Worthy Christian Forums -> Humor! Need a good laugh?

"Hold to a pattern of the healthy words that you have heard from me, in the faith and love which are in Christ Jesus." (2 Tim. 1:13)

"The younger men likewise exhort to be of sober mind, concerning all things presenting yourself as a pattern of good works: in your teaching showing incorruption, gravity, healthy speech that cannot be condemned, that he who opposes may be put to shame, having nothing evil to say about us." (Titus 2:6-8)

An "off-color joke" is defined as a joke that exhibits poor taste. It is one that is not told in good health or good spirits. An off-color joke is sometimes one that intentionally points out a specific likeness or quality of a certain kind of person or group of people and pushes them to the extreme. Most of us have heard jokes about blondes, the Irish, or the Polish. These types of jokes usually push a quality or characteristic to the abnormal extreme. For example, "blonde jokes" are hinged on the supposed extreme stupidity of people with blonde hair.

But while we might believe that the "blonde joke" is just a poke at blonde people, and is really not intended to harm anyone, some believers might take offense. So we really need to be careful when telling these "off-color" jokes.

Now, I understand perfectly well that to make fun of ourselves is sometimes fun. And I believe that sometimes we take ourselves WAY to seriously. But as believers we really should take extra care of the how our words might be perceived by others. We are ambassadors of Christ! We should conduct ourselves as such.

This is not intended as a word of condemnation for the saints here. Rather, it is intended to encourage us all to uplift our speech, and to remember that we ought to always display Christ in our mannerisms and behavior. Let us all be mindful of our Lord's words in Matthew 5:16, to let our light shine before men, and conduct ourselves accordingly.

Grace to you,

~G

http://bibchr.blogspot.com/2010/03/trololo...r-you-will.html



have I died and gone the wrong way?????






Be sure to watch all 3 in order for full effect

> A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
>
> Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
>
> The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
>
> The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $ 5.00."
>
> The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
>
> "OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
>
> Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
>
> Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.
>
> "Your brother won't let me in the restaurant without a tie!"

A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him.

"I've figured out your problem," he told the southpaw. "You always lose control at the same point in every game."

"When is that?" asked the young athlete.

"Right after the National Anthem."

Redneck Driver's Application
Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.

Last name: ________________

First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your
major?
[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you
are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse
____ shed ____ pawnshop

Model and year of your pickup: _________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know

Dumb Criminals.....





Never Represent Yourself
A man was on trial for robbing a convenience store. He didn't like the job his attorney was doing, so he fired him and represented himself. He was doing a fine job until the manager of the store got to the stand. When she identified him as the robber, he jumped up and yelled, "You're lying! I should have blown your head off!!" He paused, then added, "If I had been the one that was there."

It took the jury only twenty minutes to find him guilty. He was sentenced to thirty years.






Organised Crime


Two men escaped a prison in Vermont. When they were caught in New York City, they were found with this To Do list:

• Drive to Maine
• Get safer place to stay
• Buy guns
• Get Marie
• Get car in Dartmouth
• Do robbery
• Go to New York

You know you're not a kid anymore when:


You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

Your back goes out more than you do

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room

Your best friend is dating someone half his age..... and isn't breaking any laws.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"

You answer a question with, "Because I said so!"

The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You know what the word "equity" means.

You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You talk about "good grass," and you're referring to the lawn.

My dog, Ranger, is a fairly large dog (right at 62 lbs.) and for some reason thinks he's a puppy. Yesterday, things were quiet around the house (he usually follows me around). I didn't think anything of it. I did some laundry, dishes, other housework, etc.

As I was sitting down to eat lunch, I heard this muffled whine from the laundry room. I turned the TV down and listed again. I heard another little whine. I went to check it out, and Ranger had pulled down his old crate (the one we brought him home in from the shelter when he was about 8 pounds), climbed in it, and had gotten stuck! I didn't really see him, and threw some clothes that needed washing on top of it.

So, here's this dog- with one leg stuck out the door of this crate, wriggling around like a monkey. I wish I had a picture of it, I would have posted it here.

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

Bella, my 1 year old labrador walks over to the tall standing lamp in our living room. It's a lamp that you touch to turn on the 3 different light settings. Well, this little girl presses her nose on it so we have a party with strobe lights going on all day and night over here

Alas, where has all our innocence gone?





While I sat in the reception area
of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man
in a wheelchair into the room. As she went
to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone
and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make
small talk with him, a little boy slipped off
his mother's lap and walked over to
the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the
man's, he said, 'I know how you feel. My
mom makes me ride in the stroller too.'

*****

As I was nursing
my baby, my cousin's six-year-old
daughter, Krissy, came into the room.
Never having seen anyone breast feed
before, she was intrigued and full of all
kinds of questions about what I was doing.
After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom
has some of those, but I don't think she knows
how to use them.'

*****

Out bicycling
one day with my eight-year-old
granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little
wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want
to be with your friends and you won't go
walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do
now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be
too old to do all those things anyway.'

******

Working as a pediatric
nurse, I had the difficult assignment
of giving immunization shots to children.
One day, I entered the examining room to give
four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she
screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's
not polite behavior.' With that, the girl
yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank
you!

******

On the way back from a Cub
Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son,
'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but
how do they get there in the first place?' After my
son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally
spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make
up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't
know the answer.'

*****
Just before I
was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old
son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm
going to be away for a long time,' I told
him. 'I'm going to Iraq .' 'Why?' he
asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going
on over there?'

*****


Paul Newman
founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for
children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood
diseases. One afternoon, he and is wife,
Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with
the kids. A counselor at a nearby
table, suspecting the young patients
wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star,
explained, 'That's the man who made this camp
possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on
his salad dressing bottle?' Blank
stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on
his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl
perked up. 'How long was he missing?'

*****



God's Problem Now.

His wife's graveside
service was just barely finished, when there was
a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous
bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder
rumbling in the distance. The little, old man
looked at the pastor and calmly said,
'Well, she's there.

*****



May happiness smile on your world and in your heart.

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment. Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading "WHERE AM I?" and hold it up for the building's occupants to see.

People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determine the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Vatican Debate


About a century ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally, there was a big uproar from the Jewish community, so the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, they would have to leave.

The Jews realized they had no choice, so they selected a middle-aged man named "Moishe" to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk, and the Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. They sat opposite one another for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed 3 fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised 1 finger.

The Pope then waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine.

Moishe pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up 3 fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up 1 finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was right here with us. I pulled out the wafer and wine to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. "What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish Community had crowded around Moishe.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe. "First he said to me that the jews had 3 days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I told him that we were staying right here.

"And then?" asked a woman.

"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

Two fishes are in a tank, one says to the other "do you know how to drive this thing?"


A man goes to see a personal trainer who specializes in stretching the personal trainer asks the man "how flexible are you?" and the man says "can't do Wednesdays!"