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Daniel 3:17 If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king.18 But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up.

Three of the greatest words of faith we can ever speak were spoken by the three Hebrew children, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, as they stood before King Nebuchadnezzar. Those words are "BUT IF NOT". It is very easy to have faith in GOD that all things will work out, but in our mind we are usually thinking...."work out the way I want it to". It is hard for us to grasp on to the idea of trusting in GOD when things don't go the way we think they should. We begin to question why, and how, and GOD are you even listening? When we grasp onto the power of FAITH we will trust GOD when HE answers our prayers, but also when He doesn't seem to.
In the Spring of 2008 we learned that our daughter Kayla was going to have a baby, and we were going to be grandparents. I was turning 40 that summer and told my wife that turning 40 was one thing, but being a grandpa in the same year was a lot for a guy to get used to, but it didn't take us long to become excited about the idea of having a grandchild around. Early into the pregnancy, Kayla had a routine ultrasound that didn't look quite right to the doctors. They said it looked like there was a problem with the legs and possibly one of the arms. Of course we became concerned and wondered what was going to take place. The doctor recommended that she go to Norton's Hospital and get a high definition ultrasound and make certain there wasn't a mistake with this ultrasound. The appointment was scheduled and we waited for the day to come. During this time we prayed and told a few close friends the situation and asked for their prayers also.
The day came for the ultra sound and all were filled with feelings of anxiety, and concern. I anointed a prayer cloth for Kayla and my wife Patty to take with them. They left for the appointment and I was waiting at home for the guy that I work with to arrive. While I was waiting I began to pray. Often when the Lord really gets to dealing with me, or I am really praying hard, I pace the floor. This morning I was pacing around the kitchen, living room, and dining room praying for the appointment to go well and all to be ok. As I was praying, the verse from Daniel 3:17-18 came to mind........... our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king.18 But if not, ................. Those words burnt into my mind that morning and I began to pray......."God, you are my God, and you can fix this, and you will take care of everything.....BUT IF NOT.....you are still my GOD and I will still trust in you. From that point on, I knew that everything would work out fine. I finally got home from work that evening and Patty met us in the driveway. She told us that the ultrasound didn't go so well, and that the hand seemed to look strange also. I had told GOD that morning that I would trust Him even if things didn't work out like I had hoped, and now it was time to show that I meant what I had said. I believed all along that everything would work out fine, and all according to GOD's plan.
The day finally came that Faith was born. We all gathered at the hospital and waited for the arrival of baby Faith. She is the first grandchild on both sides of the family, so there was plenty of excitement and anticipation all over the hospital waiting room. Myself, Patty, and Noah were in the room when Faith was born. The moment we had all been waiting for was here at last, and there she was. She was born just as we had been told she would be, with missing limbs, but cute as any baby we had ever seen. The doctors all wanted to run extra tests for various reasons, so they were busy with her most of the day. Later that day they came and told us that Faith had "Severe joint displacement" in her hips and shoulder. They told us that this was common in children born with limb loss. They said it may require surgery to correct this problem, and that when she was picked up, it caused her severe pain. Of course this was a blow that we were not anticipating. We all decided that we would not hold her except for Kayla and Noah, to try and not cause any more pain than necessary.
Faith spent several days in the Pediatric ICU, "so that she could have privacy due to her condition". Kayla was released from the Hospital on Monday, and of course was not going to leave until Faith came home. They switched off between Noah and Patty on who would stay with Kayla and Faith. Faith was born on Saturday, and we had been told that the orthopedic surgeon would be there Monday to check out the condition of her joints, and determine the course of action. We were told that she may have to stay in the hospital and have surgery before she even came home. Monday came and no doctor, but he said he would be there Tuesday. Tuesday came and no doctor, so the nurse tried to get into contact with him, but he would not return her calls or her pages. Tuesday night I went home and left Patty there with Kayla. I later talked to Patty and she said that Kayla started crying and said "He isn't coming again is he?". The nurses were so irritated with the actions of the doctor that they had him written up. I know that myself, I was about at the end of my rope and I prayed and said.."Lord you know that I cannot stand the thought of Kayla upset, and Faith being in pain, Please take care of this situation." I know there were a lot of prayers from a lot of different people reaching into heaven for Kayla and Faith, and I know that it wasn't just one person responsible for the prayers.
The next morning I went to work and finally called Patty at the Hospital to find out what was going on. The doctor finally showed up and was going to get in and out in a hurry, but Patty and Kayla wasn't going to let that happen. He examined Faith and said...."who said her joints were dislocated?" He examined her and said that it must have been a faulty MRI or some other mistake, and she was fine. The doctors can claim mistake, or misdiagnosis, but we know the truth. You see she was on pain medication, and she did cry when she was handled, and the MRI said she had joint dislocations, but we know GOD intervened. Many people would say that made no sense, why would he heal that part and not heal her limb loss. I always tell them that GOD has a plan for Faith, and we don't know what that is, and we may never know on this earth what the purpose of her condition is, but we have faith that GOD knows. I believe he healed her of her joint dislocation to tell us,....."I am here, I am in control, and I still care, just have faith".
She has been home now for over a year and a half, and brought more Joy to this house than anyone could ever imagine. Yes we at times wish she had arms and legs, but what kind of blessings would she miss that GOD has for her and others if she had arms and legs. We just got back from having her castings made for her first prosthetic legs, and everyone is excited about that. Kayla got to go buy Faith her first pair of shoes. We have watched her hop around on her little stubs to get from one place to another, and we are looking forward to walking with Faith, running with Faith, and jumping with Faith. It has been an amazing year and a half watching her progress, but all the while I can see that we are the ones learning to take the steps of Faith.

I thought I can handle things on my own. I thought I can kept on praying and do DADDY GOD's work but rely on my own strength. Little did I know that HIS strength is perfect when my strength is gone. I came to realise HIS love for me and I asked HIM why HE loves me so much.

6 Months ago my 2 sisters (Mel & Lee) had a big fight and didn't talked to each other. I asked DADDY GOD to reconcile them, but tried on my own, but it didn't work. My father in law had a stroke & my sister in law. I felt torn between my family. I had to become the strong one.

On 7 November my sister Lee lost her baby and questioned GOD about it. With tears in my eyes I asked her not to push HIM away as HE loves her a lot and that these things happen to her. Mel never called her neither spoke to her. I prayed for healing, comfort & reconciliation. My dad wanted to come to stay with me, I was torn between him being my dad & the hurt he caused me. 19 November my paji (father in law) died. My hubby (dasen) teary eyes broke my heart. I begged DADDY GOD for comfort on my family and asked HIM for strength. HE gave me the strength to be strong for everyone. Although my heart were broken I didn't asked DADDY GOD for comfort and healing for my loss. I asked HIM only for strength for myself.

My dad came to my home and asked to talk to me. I didn't want anything to do with him. Dasen cooked & gave us food. I went to my spare room and got it ready for my dad. He kept trying to talked to me, and I kept on pushing him away. That night my dad died in his sleep, at my home. I was angry. I felt like screaming. I told him I'm not going to cry, he needs to wake up. I wanted to say I'm sorry. I wanted to give him a change I wanted to tell him, that he needs to come back & I'll be a better daughter to him. He didn't wanna wake up. He is dead they kept telling me. Your father is dead. I turn away from him and decided I won't cry. I went numb. I prayed to DADDY GOD, but HE seemed so far away. I asked HIM again for strength and HE gave it to me. I asked HIM for comfort for my family & reconciliation. My sisters didn't want to reconcile not even for pappa's funeral. I had to be in the middle. Dasen & I had to do the funeral arrangement on our own. My brother was only concerned about his hurt. I had to keep strong. My prayer life went from praying every second I get to only at night and only these few sentences "DADDY GOD please bring comfort, healing and reconciliation between & in my family. THey need YOU please show them YOUR love and save their souls. Amen"

26 December 2009 my aunty passed away & 28 December 2009 my uncle passed away. I kept on praying for comfort for my family and strength for myself. Dasen & I had to run around. making sure everything went well for the funerals. On 2 January 2010 I broke my toe. I was rushed into hospital and an emergency operation was done. I booked myself out of hospital on 3 January 2010. Dasen was not happy about it, but I shut him out. I began to rely on my own strength. I prayed only when I wanted to, and only that simple sentences. I though I will push everyone away so that I won't hurt anymore.

I kept drinking pain killers & sleeping tablets so I won't face anyone. I began to feel numb. On 9 January 2010, my hubby begged me to talked to him, as he was talking and telling me he loves me, I could feel pain seeping through in my heart. I pushed him away and went and lay down in our room and asked him to leave me alone. He told me he loves me and I mustn't forget how much DADDY GOD loves me. It felt like a knife was thrust into my already broken heart. My heart was bleeding and it felt like I’m watching from the outside inside how much hurt i’m going through and yet no-one really knows...I was surrounded with DADDY’s love and a wonderful man, but it seems no-one could reach me inside this abyss I found myself in. I yelled and bang the door, but no-one was listening...so I thought.
A soft voice told me that I had the key to this room that I locked myself in, HE called me HIS own, HE called me HIS beloved, as tears were streaming down my face, a light started to surface through the keyhole. I asked DADDY GOD why HE loved me so much? I kept on asking this question while my heart was breaking, I begged HIM to wrapped HIS arms around me, while sobbing. I don’t know how long this was going on, but I finally were sleeping without any pills. I am struggling with taking sleeping pills. I am talking to DADDY GOD every time I get a chance. I know I've pushed HIM away, but HE loves me so much that HE won't allow me to do so.
I still asked DADDY GOD why HE loves me so much, but this time with a heart filled with gratitude towards HIM and not with accusation. HE was with me all the time. HE gave me the strength when I needed it most. I am on my way to healing. When our heart is broken in a million pieces, all we need to do is give DADDY GOD all every single broken piece and HE will be able to mend it... if we give HIM half, how will we get to that complete healing place. I was scared to let go and let HIM take charged. I am trying to forgive myself, I know through HIS help I am not alone and HE loves me, and that’s what matter.

I am not perfect, but I know without HIM I am nothing. HE loves me....HE loves me....I don't know why, but I am surely thankful.

My name is Nathan Nolen. Here is my story of what God has done in my life.

I must admit God has blessed me in many ways. I will not say I have had an easy life. Some people say a testimony must be what happened before you become a Christian, if so then stop here. My testimony is one of faith building and depending on God. I praise and thank God that I was born with a Christian mother. She taught me a lot about depending on God.

I accepted Christ as my savior when I was still young. It was early in my life that God began teaching me about faith. When I was 7 years old, I was a very active boy. Always running jumping from high places. Then one day I started to feel pain in my right leg. So I went to several doctors but none could tell me what was wrong. Finally one doctor was able to find the problem. I had “Degenerative Hip” what had happened was somehow the blood vessel to my right hip had been torn. So the bone died. I was then put on crutches. From the age of 7 until I was 10 I used crutches most of the time. When I didn’t feel pain, I would walk without them. Do to the bone dieing my leg also grew slowly and became shorter by about half an inch, which caused me to wear a buildup on my right shoe.

Each night I would pray that God would heal my leg.

As I grew there were many things I could do, I wasn’t able to play many sports in school. In seventh grade, I joined track and field. I threw the discus and the shot putt. When I was 16, I started to take Tae Kwon Do. I obtained the seventh ranking of high blue. I also started to ride horses and played at rodeo. I even went to a weekend rodeo school where I rode 4 broncos.

You might think didn’t any of this hurt my leg. Yes, I felt great pain at times. But I always prayed and God helped me through it. Each time I tried something new, and felt pain it was by praying to God for help I could do it. One verse that I thought about a lot was Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things though Christ who strengthens me.”

It was though the pain in my leg and being able to do things that God began to develop my faith. Then in 1994, at the age of 20 God granted one of my life’s dreams. I was able to go to Hong Kong. It all started in June of 1993 I was volunteering at a youth camp I worked at as a teenager. It was there I met a friend that was planning on going to Hong Kong. I asked him for the contact information. I then prayed about it and wrote a letter to Hong Kong. As I was doing my processing for the passport and visa. In July of 1993, the dates of August 27th or 28th stuck in my mind, as the dates I would go to Hong Kong.
Finally, my papers were all done and approved. I asked my mom when she could take me to the airport. She told me next Wednesday or Thursday. So I got the tickets not paying much attention to the dates or time. After I picked up my tickets and got home, I realized the dates. Yep, August 27th. The exact date that had been stuck in my mind last July.

The night before the trip, I got very little sleep. The moment the plane landed in Hong Kong, I knew three things. First that I would find out what I was to do with my life.
Second, this trip had something to do with my future wife. Third, I felt like I was almost home.

In Hong Kong, I learned and experienced many things. For some reason during my morning devotions, I was drawn to read the book of Job. I learned about several other cultures. I met many new friends. Among these friends were several Philippinas. I started to attend a Filipina church. I stayed in Hong Kong until August or September of 1994.

In Hong Kong as God got a hold of my heart. He showed me I was to be a missionary. Through different circumstances, He led me to return to the USA and start my Bible training. I first attended Christ Unlimited Bible Institute in Kansas City Youth For Christ. This was only a 9-month course in Bible and Youth Ministry. I then transferred to Lexington Baptist College in Kentucky. I was in the Missions program.

As part of my program, I was to do an internship. In December of 1996, I attended the Urbana Conference. It was here that God gave me three signs of where I would be going on my internship. First, a Filipina missionary prayed with me. My mom had given me a book about some missionaries in the Philippines. There was a third sign but I cannot recall it now. So in January of 1997 I started to look for my internship. I was praying to go to either Japan or Philippines. As I, contacted multiple missions agencies. I kept getting the same report that I had missed that year’s application deadline or they were already filled up. I kept seeking God and praying about this. Finally, I sent an email to CARE ministries, a ministry in the Philippines. The next day I went home from my morning classes and had a message on the answering machine. The president of this ministry was in Seattle WA. This was my first contact with the location of my internship.

I left for my internship the first of June 1997. Before I left, my mom wanted me to meet with an evangelist friend of hers. During his meeting, he would give personal words from God. He gave one to me. The basic contents of it are as follows. “I was not to be afraid; I would do a lot of traveling. There were some special people I was to meet, both to learn from them as well as teach them some things. I would travel by plane, and by boat. It was after the boat that I would have an important meeting.” There was also a basic description of my future wife. Here is a summary of the description I was given.
“She would be of a different origin, speak another language, she would have almond eyes.” The next part is quite specific. “She would say, ‘I am the one God has sent for you. I am your boss’” Now if you believe this or not. All I can say is what was told to me by this man, no one else knew. I can tell you that at one of my speaking engagements a young woman named Jezreel Ponclara did basically tell me she was from God and my boss. (Yes, she is now my wife. Jezreel Ponclara Nolen)

After my internship, I returned to the USA to finish college. I went back to the Philippines, in December of 1997-1998, and July 1998. To court this young lady. In December of 1998 I went back to marry her in March of 1999. We had our first daughter on January 5th 2000. Named Rebekah Rose Ponclara Nolen. Things went pretty good for several years. I was establishing a small youth ministry named New Heart Ministries. I was ordained as a minister in September 1999.

Our first major tragedy. On Friday, February 9th 2001, around 16:00-16:30. I was returning home from distributing flyers for an upcoming camp we were doing. I was riding a small motorcycle we had just purchased. I was making a left turn into the compound we lived in.

“I heard a loud noise, and then felt something hit my side and knocked the wind out of me. I looked and saw a white wall. I thought, "what is this white wall doing here.” Then I saw a reflection on some glass and realized it was a bus windshield. I had just been run over by a CERES bus. Similar to Greyhound in the USA.”

This accident broke my left leg, and fractured my hips. I spent one week paralyzed not able to sit up, after an operation I could sit up. For 16 days, I was in the hospital, and for another 2 weeks bed ridden at home. I had a cast on my left leg and used crutches until July of that year. During all this time, I prayed and talked with God. I kept busy by reading.

This was a major set back, not only financially but we had lost transportation and reputation since several planned programs were delayed. God saw me through it.

In 2002, God blessed us with a trip to the USA. We stayed with my mother in Kansas most of this time. It was a good time for my mother to spend with her granddaughter. I was able to do some support raising, for the ministry. It was also at this time my wife became pregnant with our second child.

In 2003, the ultra sound revealed there was a problem. We began to pray and seek God. On July 6th 2003 early morning, Jezreel went into labor. By the end of this day. I had experienced the worse thing any parent can. My second daughter had been born and died. Her name is Heavenly Grace Ponclara Nolen. The depression at this time was quite sever. I even contemplated suicide. Only the thought that if I killed myself what would the affect be on my wife and first daughter, kept me alive.

Things went okay until December of 2004. My mom had a surgery for her heart. She never fully recovered and died in January of 2005. I had to go back to the USA and leave my wife and daughter in the Philippines. During this year, I tried to raise support and do odd jobs to get back home. I worked as an Over The Road truck driver for a couple of companies. I returned home to the Philippines in December of 2005. But I was unable to continue New Heart Ministries.

After seeking God, my wife and I decided to become English as a Second Language Teachers. We got our certificates and then obtained jobs in China. We stayed in China for 4 months. In January of 2007, we went to Hong Kong to visit friends for the Holiday’s. It was here I was able to get a better job working in Hong Kong. In Hong Kong, I have faced challenges as well. For me the hardest here is times of loneliness. My wife is waiting for her work visa so she can spend time in the Philippines with family. Rebekah is staying with family in the Philippines and doing her school. I look at this time as an Isaac time. I see this as putting my family on the altar to God as a sacrifice.

My wife finally received her visa and quickly received a job. Finally in April of 2009 my daughter Rebekah joined us in Hong Kong to live. God has once again brought the family back together.

As you can see, I have not had an easy life. Christ never told us that to follow him would be easy. Infact he declares the opposite. In each time of trouble or hardship. I can look back and see how God held me in His arms. I have had many blessing from God.

First just feeling His presence when I am sad or lonely or in trouble.
Second, My beautiful wife (God’s first reward for following Him)
Third, my precious daughter.
Fourth. The spiritual gifts He has given me.

I am not sure what you believe about the gifts of the Spirit. I have the gift of discernment. What I mean by this is I can tell when angels or demons are around. I have smelled and heard demons. I have seen angels. Most of the time the angels I see are in a worship service. Ranging from about 7 ft tall to 60 ft. tall. I saw angels when I drove the truck. I would say these are my guardian angels. The one time I wish I hadn’t seen an angel. When my wife went into labor with our second daughter. I saw an angel in the hospital. I knew he was the angel of death. I just didn’t think he was there for my daughter.

Ok, I was going through this really low spiritual point and I was living only for selfish ambition. Sin was rampant in my life, and I was starting to question God's very existence. One night, I woke up in the early hours of the morning (I think somewhere around 3) And I was in a cold sweat and shivering. All of a sudden, I felt this sensation like something was grabbing me directly by the heart, and pulling me. Needless to say, I was VERY scared. I layed there, and resisted this force with all I had. Then, I began to recite the Lord's prayer, and I was asking God to save me from whatever it was, and after a few seconds, I felt like there was someone fighting alongside me, and then with a last push of resistance, I fought off this force, and I felt a gentle calm come over me.

For all those people who question the existence of God or the legitimacy of Jesus Christ, just remember this story. It's all the proof I need to show me he exists.

I grew up in the countryside of rural Long Island. My childhood memories are filled with catching frogs, eating wild raspberries and that kind of thing. From early on, I saw nature. Somehow in all of that, I began to see a supernatural hand behind it all. Eventually the years past, and my faith in God changed as I grew up, but I never doubted His existence. I began to study science, the life sciences in particular. As I learned about the details of Creation, I saw more clearly the Hand of God. I could not look at nature and see anything random like a godless evolution, even though it was taught to me. There was just too much order in the universe for it to be anything but God. Look in the sands at the tide mark on the beach. Sift it out, and look at the minute shells you find under a microscope. Magnificent creation of God.

Still though I did not believe in Jesus. To me, He was just a “great man” a “prophet” and nothing more. I searched the scriptures in vain for Jesus to say He was the Son of God, or God Himself. A friend in high school once told me that there was more than one way to God and I would find that in the New Testament, Acts so she said. I read that book so much and never once found that passage. Did I doubt my friend? No, I doubted my ability to find it. I read the truth, the truth that there is only one way to God, through Jesus, but I did not understand. That disbelief continued for many years.

I am in my early 20’s. I pray to God, but not in Jesus’ name or recognizing Jesus. I do not believe in sin, or in hell. I long for God though. At this time I became engaged and then the engagement fell apart. Broken hearted, on a moonlit beach in Mexico, I decided to end my life. It was easy, listening to the gentle waves of the Gulf of California. My friends had paired up for the night, leaving only me, alone. I nearly drowned as a child. It seemed fitting that I should chose to go out into the water and swim until I could not swim any longer. The water was warm, inviting. There were sharks, but it would only be a moment of pain, then oblivion.

As I rose to my feet, a drunk stumbled over the rocks around the small fire we built on the beach. He began speaking to me, quite frankly annoying me. He was a preacher’s son, staying at the cottages down the beach. He talked to me, 5 minutes, 10, 20, I don’t know. By the time he was done I was angry, my sense of loss was gone. I would not commit suicide that night or any other night. I was ready to fight my pain.

Don’t get me wrong, I did not accept Jesus as my savior that night, but I knew even then that God stopped me from killing myself. He was there that night. He sent that annoying preacher’s kid to stop me the only way possible from the sin of taking my own life.

Around 30, I am studying my chosen profession in medicine. For spring break, I decided to go to the Caribbean. While there I was assaulted. I needed to be tested for HIV among other things. This was a frightening time for me. I tried to tell my friends but could not. How do you speak of something so terrible as what I went through, and the fears that followed? I prayed to God, as I always have, seeking Him, yet never hearing His responses. I prayed so hard while I waited the necessary time limit until I could be tested. I was clear, no infection of HIV. I went to the local old mission (San Xavier del Bac) and thanked God in prayer.

A few months later, I am interning at a hospital and one of my coworkers asked me out to a bible study date. I agreed. Afterwards he told me that he doesn’t date anyone who isn’t a Christian because of the whole unequally yoked thing. So in my apartment, I got down on my knees and vaguely remember saying, crying “So this is what you want from me Lord? To believe that Jesus is really your Son?” Then crying, uncontrollable crying, recognition of all of my sins, and there are many. Things that I can never bring myself to ever tell any of you. I felt like a tornado had swept through me.

The next day, at work, even though I still felt all shaken from what had taken place, another coworker said that he had never seen such a look of peace on anyone’s face before. That is when I knew for certain that the events of the night before were real, that I was a part of God’s kingdom. How else could someone see peace in my countenance given the whirlwind of emotions I felt? I was saved by the grace of God and the sacrifice of His Son Jesus.

For the rest, look at me now, nearly 15 years later. I have a relationship with God. He has worked miraculous changes in my life. I am still sinful, but I am not the same person I was before. My prayers are heard, and I see God’s Hand working in my life, more than ever before. I have seen the Holy Spirit working in my life too, leading me to do things I could never accomplish on my own. I understand the scriptures better. The Spirit guides me in my walk with the Lord. I have the relationship with God I have always longed for, and His assurances of my eternal salvation. I thank God for His grace and gift of salvation.

I was born in 1955, the third of three. My parents divorced and I and my sister went with our father to L.A. I got beat a lot. That made me mean. I got expelled from Catholic kindergarten for spitting on a nun. (That's what I've been told.) Soon after I turned 8, I went for a "vacation" to my mother's house (she had since remarried), but my father never took us back. I grew up in a small southern California desert valley called the Imperial Valley, 200 miles east of San Diego along the Mexican border.
My new "father" Jack was an alcoholic and a strict disciplinarian. I was wild and already a liar and a thief, "beyond control" as they used to call it. As a way to handle me, he would beat me. After all, he would say, "That is what my father did to me."
My mother made sure we went to a community church, where I accepted Christ as my savior when I was about 10. I didn't really follow Him than, but I knew that He died for my sins and that if I wanted to get into heaven I needed to believe in Him.
My dad continued to physically and psychologically abuse and torment me. So I got angrier and meaner. I acted out when I was out of the house. I was in constant trouble in school, on the bus, and in town (we lived in the country). I lied about everything, stole from stores and friends, cheated at school, got into trouble with the law. I started escaping by using drugs, mostly pot. Christ was on the shelf.
By the time I was 14, I had been in juvenile hall 14 times, mostly for being "beyond control." When I got arrested at 15, I was sentenced to the California Youth Authority (CYA) for 5 years, where I took Christ off the shelf. I was paroled 18 months later to a foster home outside San Diego, with 10 other CYA parolees. They were Christians and we went church regularly, although Christ went back on the shelf. I stayed out of trouble there, although I continued to use drugs. I managed to graduate from high school in 1972 and as soon as I turned 17 I enlisted in the Army and joined the 101st Airborne Division. The Viet Nam War was coming to a close and I wanted to get off parole.
After basic, I went to KY where I continued to use drugs, mostly LSD and pot. Christ was again on the shelf. I hardly (if ever) thought about him. One day, I overdosed on LSD and got caught. Because the military was switching to all volunteer, I was given the opportunity to take an Honorable discharge if I got out on my own. I took the deal and was discharged after serving only 11 months 27 days. (I'll tie all this together later.)
So, I went back to the Valley and immediately got back with my druggy friends. I promptly got busted, this time as an adult. This time it was for cocaine. I was promptly sent to the California Rehabilitation Center, which was prison for addicts. Of course, I became "religious" while there, both because I was scared for my life and to fill the time. When I got paroled 2 years later, I was 20, Christ went right back on the shelf.
I was paroled to a half-way house in San Diego, which housed heroin addicts. That's where I learned how to shoot heroin one day and pass a drug test the next day. My life went further downhill from there, as my drug use increased. Heroin, cocaine, reds, yellows, LSD, mushroom, anything went.
I ended up in FL married to a former prostitute/heroin addict who was 7 years older than I. God was definitely on the shelf now. I was a junky. Believe it or not I went to nursing school and became a nurse ('79). A junky nurse with access to the best drugs there were. I became an oncology (cancer) nurse so that I could access powerful narcotics without getting caught. I was a horrible, horrible person, under Satan's control. I would even dilute the dose of pain killers I would give dying patients so that I could keep some for myself. Or put sterile water in place of narcotics. I am still so ashamed of what I did back then.
Eventually I got caught and went to jail for 6 months. After I got out, the Lord brought my wife, Sheryl into my life (I had divorced my first wife and she died of a heroin overdose.) We got married, I became a Respiratory Therapist, and I quite drugs. Sheryl had two young children from a previous marriage, whom I adopted. They were 2 and 1 years old. Today they are both wonderful women of whom I am very proud. I did still drink, though. Christ came off the shelf, and I began to have a relationship with him. But, the drinking got worse over the years, and I became a drunk. A going to church drunk.
I became sick and found out I had Hepatitis C, probably from sharing needles. I underwent a new (back then) treatment which caused me to get chemo-induced leukemia. I lost my job because I couldn't work, and lost my health insurance. So I ended up having to go to the VA hospital for care. I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder after I attempted suicide twice.
I'll tie this all together now. Throughout my life, God has made sure that all I had done would come to good now. He provided for my health care now from my period of service back 30 years before (I served just over the minimum time required to qualify for benefits.) He provided for my income now by having me work in a high paying field for 20 years, so that I receive enough social security disability to provide for my wife and me during this time. He brought my wife into my life at a critical time, which caused me to take him off the shelf and have a real relationship with him. Now, Christ is an every day part of my life, and He influences everything that I do. He is who I am.
My life, to me, is one of the best examples of how God will forgive anyone of anything that they have done, no matter how bad it may be. Christ can work in your life if you will just let him.
Praise God!

A friend of min was telling me how she knew that God could move mountains. She was telling me that she knew there was nothing that God could do. BUT she honestly thought that she was a lesbian. She would tell me, people think it's a demon or a spirit but I think it's just how my body is. She honestly thought she was just as she was and that God had made this way. "There a re a lot of people that kill themselves because people call them perverted or demon possessed when it feels very natural to us", she would tell me. Of Course, I never judged her but remained always her friend and always there for her.

Then one day I challenged her, if you believe that God can do all; PROVE IT. I told her, pray for deliverance from your homosexuality. She was mad at first but then she decided if she was right and that God had made her this way the nothing was going to happen, right? LOL So she humored me.

A few weeks went by when she came barging into my house. I was like whats gotten into you, girl? She was like, "the strangest thing is happening to me," she said. And I was like, "ok??? What???" She went on to tell me how that last time we talked - the day of the challenge- she was in bed saying her prayers and told God, "ok, God, You can do ANYTHING! If this is a curse or a spirit then cure me of it. If it is then I know you will but if it isn't then that will be the end of that". And she said she went to bed giggling because she was dead set that nothing was going to happen.

She said she went on about her business as usual the next day and days into the week she noticed something very strange was happening to her that had never happened to her before. Now, first of all, she claims she has NEVER been attracted to men and only women. She said that she noticed herself suddenly being attracted to this man she works with and suddenly began completely "crushing on him" as she calls it. From what she describes him as, he seems to be a very nice-well-together guy. She went on to tell me how she thought it was just a phase until she found herself attracted to a couple other men she was introduced to after that and that she was finding herself only looking at men and not at women anymore.

She was proclaiming, "you were right, EVERYONE has been right, God didn't make me gay, the enemy did!!! I'm cured!!!" She was laughing and then started crying. She was like, "I can finally feel normal", she said, "And people wont hate me anymore."

... I coudln't help but cry with her. It's called; faith!!! She believes in Him so much that she went to sleep and woke up cured after just a quick prayer!!!

Just wanted to share that with you guys because I thought it was AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CAN I GET A PRAISE THE LORD IN THE HOUSE!!!! LOL
LORD, YOU ARE SO GOOD!!!
AMEN!!!

My Worthy name Fez is a shortened version of the name my Zulu colleagues gave me (it is custom with them to give you a name after working with you for some time – they actually have a meeting and discuss it for a while before deciding on a name). My full Zulu name is Fezela. It means scorpion, the meaning of which may become apparent to the reader during this testimony, this discourse.

I was born in South Africa during the height of the apartheid era, went to school and was conscripted into an Infantry battalion when I finished school at the age of 17. South Africa was fighting a border war in Angola against Russians, Cubans, Angolans, and South Africans who had gone to Angola and joined the African National Congress (ANC), whose military wing was Mkonto we Sizwe (the Spear of the Nation), and whose de facto leader, although imprisoned on Robben Island, was Nelson Mandela.(more about him later). Out of school and into war at 17 was a wakeup call and shaped the lives, and disregard for life of thousands of white South Africans like me. Like most of them, 17 at school, 17 and six months, trained in combat, killing and how to hate. Indoctrinated. Some South Africans on Worthy from my generation may relate to the above. Enough said about that.

Two years later and a whole lot harder, I was released from conscription (except for one month a year “camps”), just to keep certain “skills” learned, honed.
I qualified as a medical technologist, did work in hospitals, mostly haematology, and soon got bored with laboratories and the 9 to 5.
So I joined the police. Some of my military training kicked in, and I immersed myself in the work.

I loved it.

I revelled in the danger and excitement. I was shot at, stabbed, had my neck broken, was involved in two high speed auto accidents, and with my partner, made 365 first schedule arrests in 6 years (Murder, rape, robbery, drugs, firearms, auto theft, that sort of thing). I and my partner received commendations and the press dubbed us the terrible twins. I was put undercover on two separate cases, one involving drugs and the other I am not at liberty to talk about in post apartheid South Africa. Suffice to say I lived like an animal on the streets, lying in the gutter opposite buildings I was watching, dressed like a hobo and clutching a bottle of vodka (from which I liberally imbibed).

I loved it.

I left the police (can you believe I got bored!), and entered into what I still do 27 years later, nature conservation. I again used certain skills in anti poaching (still do, but use them more wisely now), slept out in the bush for days at a time, with a ration pack and a rifle, nothing else. Slept under trees, did not wash, brush teeth, or change clothes (because the smell of soap carries on a still night) and hunted... men...again. These were the rhino poachers who were paid a pittance for horns by syndicates operating out of China, Vietnam and parts of Africa. Colleagues died inches from me in gunfights, and in other areas in ambushes set up to kill them because they were getting too close to the source. And we shot back.

I loved it.

I progressed quickly through the ranks until I was one of five men just below the Deputy Director level of the organisation of 3000 men and women. Men like Nick Steele who pioneered rhino capture from horseback (and was instrumental in saving the white rhino from extinction), and Ian Player, father of the Wilderness concept, now a world renown conservationist in his late 80’s and a personal friend of Prince Charles.
I ran a huge chunk of African real estate, with a staff of over 500, and my word was law. We were para-military in set up, and my staff saluted me just as is done in the army. I did this for 20 years.

I loved it.

Umm... I think this is where Jesus decided enough, I want you. Oh, I did not want Him, believe me. I was a hard, uncompromising, prideful, (oh so prideful), self inflated pain in the neck. But I was good at what I did, (pride again) and I did it under my own power and at the expense of others feelings, needs or desires.
South Africa got democracy, the ANC came to power, and Nelson Mandela became president.
And I was retrenched in an affirmative action campaign. My world fell apart. Everything I had lived for, the excitement, going to bed smelling of cordite and sweat, stalking in the acacia thickets of Mkuze Game Reserve, all gone, overnight.
I found another job in conservation (the one I am in now), and started from the bottom (well the middle). I doubted myself and my abilities, all of a sudden I could not do it all myself anymore.

I hated it.

How bad was it, how far did I fall? In August 2002, I woke up, lying on my stomach, and I could not move, literally could not move. I was sobbing; my future, my past and my present were a black hole. I lay like that for 16 hours, my entire universe was me, and it was a black hole. This went on for a week, I fought it, I barely ate, and I did not change clothes. I truly believe that in that time I was part human, part animal.
Eventually I got to a physiatrist. She did the usual, hows your father sort of thing and gave me a heap of tablets. The sleeping tables were the best, the date rape drug ones, blissful blackness for 12 hours. Only problem is that I had to wake up sometime. Many’s the time........ Let’s not go there.
So I booked myself in as a day patient in a psyche ward at a nearby hospital. That was interesting. I met a guy who when he had his sunglasses on was invisible and if you spoke to him he freaked. I met a guy who only wore Diesel branded clothing, because any other clothes burned his skin. I met young girls who offered themselves to me if I would bring drugs to them when I came back the next morning.
I was doing anger management courses, boundary courses, courses, and courses while there.

I hated it.

And then I got my first glimpse of Jesus.

I was sitting in a room, another course, by myself, and a blond goddess of a woman walked through the door. She sat down opposite me and put a writing pad in front of me. I felt an aura of grace that I still feel around her when we meet (she is a good friend today). I did not know, and she could not tell me, being a councillor in a secular hospital, that it was the joy of knowing Jesus that I felt through her. Her name is Helen Roome.
She gave me the pad and said start writing (insert Fez for my name here). I said “what”; she said “anything that comes to mind”. I said “that’s a #$%^&* stupid idea”. She said “write” and walked out! The goddess was gone, just a faint hint of perfume left behind.
Prideful me, I said Ok and started writing something like Mary had a little lamb, this is stupid, etc. Ummm...two hours later when she returned I was still writing. She said give me the pad, and I said no, I am still writing. She yanked it from me and said wait here I will be back later.
Two hours later she was back and I thought oh, good she has read my sad story and I could do with some TLC from a blond goddess. She looked me straight in the eyes, oh she has these huge, soft blue eyes, and I melted.

And she said in her wonderful lilting voice, “The person you hate most in the world....is yourself”. I was devastated, how could this vision, this ethereal blond epitome of grace say such a thing!

I hated it.

I went home to my brother’s house, I was staying there, and it was a Saturday afternoon. We sat in the front garden, him, my sis in law, my niece 12 then, and my nephew, 15 or so, all of them Christians, and they cried with me. Two rolls of toilet paper and one roll of kitchen towel.
And a voice came into my head. Not sub conscious like you are thinking right now, but a voice, like there is a person standing in your head! And the voice said three words “Go to Church”. Nothing will convince me otherwise that this was the voice of God. I heard Him, never heard Him again like that, but it was God.

I was very confused

Come Sunday off to church with the family, last time I had been was to bury a friend. And they had to go and sit in the front row!!! I felt so out of place, so uncomfortable, so conspicuous! Worship! People singing, lifting their hands up, praising Jesus! What had I got myself into! I really thought about running, but it was like I was rooted in place. I truly felt nothing except panic.

Ok better, we sit down, I am less conspicuous and maybe I can endure 40 minutes or so of some dude (Mark Mack, I fish with him now!), droning on about Jesus.
But oh no, what does Jesus do? He makes Mark make an altar call. Anyone here want to know Jesus?
Oh boy! I feel myself standing. 1200 eyes staring at my back. Well there were only 600 people but X 2 you know. Oh wait, Syd only has one eye, so 1999 eyes boring into my back. Sorry Syd.

I feel myself walking forward into the unknown.

Mark gets me to repeat the prayer after him. I turn around and 600 people are on their seats clapping, shouting, and praising Jesus, Helen Roome, who I did not know attended the same church, was amongst them. Angels are singing in heaven.
And my lungs feel like they are filled with helium.

He loves Me!!!!!!

(Life is such fun now, I love everything I do because I do it in His name and under His grace – and about Nelson Mandela, I had the privilege of having lunch with him in the park where I now work in 2005 while he was on holiday. He is an awesome presence to be near. From fighting against his organisation to having lunch with him many years later in a free South Africa, isn’t Gods plan wonderful?)

*This was only supposed to be a 2-3min testimony, but I have a feeling it is closer to 5min. *

Not having grown up in a Christian home, I never believed in God let alone knew He even existed. But when I was seven years old, an event occurred that changed my whole life. During the event, I began to pray; I just felt the need to pray even though I had never done so before. I guess it was at this time that I began to wonder about the existence of God.

For some five years after this dark period in my life, I silently struggled yet I found myself praying on a frequent basis. After those years of praying I believe God gave me the courage to seek help. That didn’t make the process easy, for I was completely alone and yet I always felt like Someone had Their strong Hand on my shoulder, gently urging me forward.

In August of 2006, 9 years since that event, the Lord blessed me with the Pyl family, whom I had known for a few years, although not well. I had been helping Stephanie that summer with her youngest son, and one day the subject of church came up. During this discussion, Stephanie invited me to her church, and I was nervous and excited all at the same time because I had never been to church before.

As I was sitting in the pew listening to Pastor Lisa preaching, I had an overwhelming feeling that this was exactly where I was supposed to be. Slowly, as I became more involved in the church, joining youth group, and attending SNL, I began to see that God had always been with me, during the dark times, even before I knew Him. I was a broken person and it was God who saw me through the days and years after; God and the people He brought into my life. I started to understand that all those times I was physically alone, I wasn’t really alone because God was with me.

During this past Christmas season, I had entered a really low point in my life. I found that I had just gotten so tired of so many things; things like praying unanswered prayers, tired of the things I was and am presently dealing with. To be honest, I felt like I was in a rut. But once again, God came to me and lifted me out of it. I was flipping through my daily devotional book and the Lord led me to the day of my birth and I read the passage for that day. The meaning of the passage didn‘t really sink in until later that night while I was at my friend‘s youth group. During prayer the significance of the passage hit me. As I stood with my hands raised and tears streaming down my face—it was a totally exhausting and uplifting feeling—it was as if God Himself had read that passage to me, for that passage was the answer to my hundreds of unanswered prayers. The answer was not simple nor easy, but it was God’s answer. This is the passage the Lord had shown me: Forgive as the LORD forgave you. - Colossians 3:13. With the help of the Lord and those He has placed in my life I know I will succeed.

Since then, even though my situation hasn’t changed all that much, I continue to pray and trust God; I have a faith I never had before. I have not lived a perfect life, yet I know I love Jesus with all my heart and soul, and I know without a doubt that He is the only way.

God is my saving grace.

Hey everyone. I have a short history from 2007 on this forum, mostly arguing with people - I don't want to do that any more and I won't get into amy more vain discussions. But here is my testimony - I hope it is encouraging to you. (I LOVE to read people's testimonies.)

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

It's voodoo that you possess
Deny your dark side,
I know all about your secret life

It's voodoo that you possess
Behind those lucid eyes
The shadow of the serpent lies
Oh Eve

“It hit me. My life suddenly changed.”
I sometimes wish I could say that. Such words would make the story very simple. I sometimes wish that my will and my affections would quickly and easily turn to Jesus Christ and hold on to him. But it’s not easy and it takes years. It takes self-denial, self-control and it requires the death of all I that I was before I met Christ.

I’ll tell you a bit about myself and I pray that God will make it useful in your own war on sin – whether you’ve started it long ago or are just about to declare it. I was 20 when I first believed in Christ, in his sacrifice for me and in the eternal life he offered me. As soon as I believed, I found that my passion for rock music was deadly in its consequences and offensive to God. It was wrong, from the vain and blasphemous lyrics to the lust the sound of heavy guitars triggered in me. It was the art of demons and no one needed to convince me of that. All the stories behind the songs, the lyrics, the videos, the biographies suddenly began to matter to me. And they were all about witchcraft, violence, wrong uses of sexuality and about Satan. I had a new relationship with God, learning about him and his love and care for me, I had begun to pray to him and rely on him. The two passions – the old one for sin and the new one for God – were now at war in me.

The first battle of that war was a few months after I began reading the New Testament. I was abroad, working as an au-pair. The house was empty that night, I was sitting on the terrace, looking at a clear starry sky. I thought of the new things I had learned – Jesus Christ born of a virgin, resurrected, his omnipotence, his wrath, his mercy. Those things felt overwhelmingly difficult to understand. I began to pray, but my mind got distracted by the thought of how adorable my favourite rock vocalist was. I thought, “Why did that thought prevent me from praying? Why does it oppose my faith? This man is so sweet. Although most of it is in my imagination, what I have with him is so good. On the other side, there is God. I’m called to believe that he is in control of everything and that he knows and loves me.”

Have you ever had thoughts that are not yours? You know when your own mind and feelings produce a thought. When that is not the case, you know that someone else has started a conversation inside your mind. At that very moment I heard the words: “Really? Test him then. Why don’t you jump off this terrace? See if he’ll catch you.” Amazed at the idea, I thought of the three metres from the terrace to the pavement. I had never desired to mutilate myself before. “No, this is absurd.” I stayed outside a little more, under the starry sky.

Months later, back in Bulgaria, after I read more Bible and two books by Derek Prince, I realised that I had chosen sin as a way of life and thus made God angry. He has cursed me and left me in constant insecurity, depression and fear. Evil spirits had gained access to me through the habit of overeating, other sinful habits and through the music I enjoyed. For the first time I saw a way to begin to break my vicious circle: I had to stop listening to that music. I had to get rid of the idols in my library and in my heart.

I was back home, sitting on my bed, my mother next to me. I placed all of my CD’s, magazines and cassettes on the bed. A part of me said ‘no’ and I paused, thinking that it would be a pity. Then I proceeded to tear the tapes and the paper and scratch or break the CDs. Late that night, I told the devil to leave me. But I was still afraid of him. You can’t have complete freedom from your slave master if you continue to fear him. Today I understand better that I am dead to my former slave master, Satan (Galatians 4:16: “the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world”), but back then, fear grabbed me. I began to shake. I prayed, then I stood on my shivering legs and went to wake my mother. We began to pray and read from the Bible:

“The seventy-two returned with joy, saying, “Lord, even the demons are subject to us in your name!” And he said to them, “I saw Satan fall like lightning from heaven. Behold, I have given you authority to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall hurt you. Nevertheless, do not rejoice in this, that the spirits are subject to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven.”

I remember trying to control my jaws as I read this passage aloud. An hour later, I wasn’t afraid any more, but my body continued to shake. It stopped around three in the morning and I fell asleep.

A part of my life was new. I read and understood more of the Bible, I listened to some useful sermons, destroyed some more of my old treasures at home: my favourite science fiction books, my T-shirts and occult jewellery. I made a conscious effort to shut down the memories of the music and my desire to fantasize about my old heroes disappeared. Instead, I filled my mind with the teaching I heard at church and I spoke to God in prayer.

When God does something great in your life, you spend the following years realising the depths and dangers of your former sin and discovering the reasons and the ways in which God delivered you. A few months after that shaky night in 2004, I remembered something that happened when I was 17. I had just discovered the pleasure of heavy guitars. A friend gave me Dio's album “Magica”. I was halfway through the album when I heard someone else's thoughts in my mind: “My name is Fear. I am your personal demon.” I started to write. I thought it was inspiration; I'd had it before and I had already written a number of short texts in my school years. I though I was a poet. Fear continued: “You need me. People need to be afraid for their lives in order to protect them. So now you have me. Can you hear the music? It's a new groove, it's here to please you. I will stay with you; I'll take you to the darkest corners of your soul and together we'll tear you and make you bleed.” Indeed, even after I was converted, Fear manifested himself on many occasions.

After such experiences, I would not doubt some of the accounts that I’ve heard. A young man once said that the first time he played his new Black Sabbath tape, something invisible hit him in the head and an evil spirit entered him. If he said so, I believe him. Something will inevitably hit you if you expose yourself to this music, whether you feel it or not. One evil spirit guides the musicians through making the music and then there’s one that follows every copy of the album, interfering with the life of the listener.

Many people think that secular rock and Christianity are compatible. I’ll give you an example. He was a teacher in Bible courses at our Pentecostal church, He was respected and had a decent haircut. He came home as a guest to the house group. He said something that made me oppose him and tell the group about my recent discoveries about rock music. He did not agree with everything I said and told me the story of some guitar player who was converted but continued doing his old thing. As he was leaving, he turned around, smiled at me and said, “Steve Vai, For the Love of God.” I replied, “Steve Vai, Sex and Religion.”

That man was not the only leader in church who claimed that all music could glorify God. I really didn’t want to have teachers that would try to pull me back into the slavery Christ had recently freed me from. Do you? Or are you one of those teachers?

However, my ears remained sensitive to the sound I loved before. I bought into some of the “Christian” rock music that churchgoers listen to: Third Day, the Hyper Static Union, Building 249, the Newsboys. I don’t blame anybody for that. I got rid of those albums too, eventually. If I had not, I would have slipped back into openly secular rock. I remember listening to that hypocritical music and thinking, “If I really want a thrill, why not go back to the real thing?” Stryper is nothing like Kiss, Skillet is nothing like Metallica. When you worship people's talent, you seek pure talent. When you want sin, you prefer pure sin.

It probably shouldn't be so, but these lyrics come to my mind when I am tempted to find some pure rock and immerse myself back into it. I still can hear them. They are about me. They are about you. “It's voodoo that you possess. Deny your dark side, I know all about your secret life. Behind those lucid eyes the shadow of the serpent lies.” When he wrote this song, Steve Vai must have imagined a helpless Adam. Eve was all he had and she was a traitor in his own bed. So he begged her to deny her dark side.

These lyrics are sobering, just like Paul's words in Ephesians 2:

“Once you were dead because of your disobedience and your many sins. You used to live in sin, just like the rest of the world, obeying the devil—the commander of the powers in the unseen world. He is the spirit at work in the hearts of those who refuse to obey God. All of us used to live that way, following the passionate desires and inclinations of our sinful nature. By our very nature we were subject to God’s anger, just like everyone else.”

There is an unseen world that produces idols for us to worship in the seen world. When we shut our eyes to the truth and disobey God, the devil's own spirit and character are in us. We become his relatives. The Greek translated “those who refuse to obey God” is literally “the sons of disobedience”. The shadow of the Serpent can be seen beneath everything we do and say. Please pray for me, that I will treat the snake inside of me mercilessly, nailing it to Christ’s cross daily. I pray the same for you, dear reader.

Lora
June 2009

When I was 16 my life came to a complete stand still. My world had just fell apart my cancer took a turn for the worst my kidneys began to act up, my mother began cheating on my father my attendence at school was way less then satifactory. I came home from school one day and was teased at school and feeling very suicidal I wrote a note to my parents it was 3 pages long and in it I said:
"Mom, Dad, I don't know what to do I feel like I am a berden to you and the family I hate being picked on because I'm sick and different then everyone else. I hate my life and you all would be better off without me"

I then took 3 bottles of Prozac and cut myself multiple times started the shower and laid down. What I didn't know was that my father would be home soon and as I was on the brink of unconciousness he came in and took me to the E.R. The doctors cleaned my system and held me until my cuts healed and sent me with my medication to a 30 day treatment center. The first night staying in that cold room alone with the camera staring in on me I threw myself to my knees and began talking to someone-- I wasnt sure then why, but I begged this figure who noone around me believed in-- to forgive me and carry me thru the problems and help me regain my strength. A year later now, I am still learning and dealing with my depression and cancer and yes it is hard but I know that with my saviour anything is possible with god!!!!

You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day. Psalms 91:5

I became a Christian (so I thought) at a young age and really had no clue what it meant to live for Jesus. I basically got my ‘fire insurance’. After High School, I married and had children. When my son, died as an infant, I was very angry with God. I blamed God, so in my anger, I walked away from God, church and anything to do with Christianity. I wasted a lot of years, over 15 years to be exact. A divorce and many failed relationships later, I met my husband. He is a very Godly man and kept “preaching’ Jesus and returning to the church. We would get into huge arguments. “DON’T talk to me about God!” Every time my husband mentioned God it seemed I ran as fast as I could in the opposite direction. Little did I know that he was praying….very fervent prayers about me.

At that time, my husband worked off shore, ten days on ten days off. We live in a very rural setting, 500 feet off the main road surrounded by trees. I am not a ‘scared’ person. Living that remote suited me just fine…It’s quiet and people don’t just ‘drop in’ due to the location. We had this wonderful orange tabby cat who kept me company while he was gone, and a lot of times she slept on the bed. Lately, she had decided to wrap herself around my head, which is really annoying. So I had put her out before going to bed. My husband was off shore and I wanted to sleep with out interruptions from the cat.

During the early morning hours, around 2:00 am, I awoke, when I felt the foot of my bed give, like it does when someone sets down on it. I lay there for a moment, trying to collect my thoughts, having been soundly asleep I was sort of ‘confused’. It only took a moment to remember that I had put the cat out, so the feeling of ‘someone’ sitting at the end of the bed, struck pure terror in my heart. I was so terrified, I could not move. I lay there helpless, my heart racing from fear. I was laying on my side, facing the wall and could feel whatever it was, starting to move slowly up the back of me…the bed giving way with the movement. Frozen, unable to move, I just lay there. My mind was racing as fast as my heart. When, whatever was there, moved up as far as my waist, I began to hear very low, guttural growls. The movement up my back continued, me still unable to move, fearing the worst, but expecting to die from fright first. As the movement, got near my shoulders and face, the growling sounds were low and not like anything I had ever heard. When the movement got right near my ear, the growls were so loud, it was then that I felt a breath on my face. At this point, sheer terror took over and somehow, I managed to scream “GOD”. At the exact moment I said, GOD, I was released from being paralyzed, jumped out of bed, turned on the light and looked around the room, only to find my self alone. I was shaking with fear, sweating and wondering if I had really been asleep. I KNEW I had not! I just about hit the floor on my knees, thanking God for saving me from whatever was in that room. I knew it was not a person!

When my husband returned from off shore a few days later, I told him what had happened. I watched as the color drained from his face. He said, “Oh Lord, I never meant for anything like that to happen.” I asked him just what did that mean. He said, “I had been praying so hard about you. All the talking to you seemed to be going nowhere, so I started praying that God would do whatever it took to get your attention, I had no idea it would be anything like that.” It worked! That was over 17 years ago. I have not gone back to the old lifestyle. Scripture tells us.”The effectual, fervent prayers of a righteous man, availeth much.”

Prayer works! Sometimes in ways we cannot imagine, but it does work. God will use whatever means to get a persons attention to draw them to HIM. God is not willing that anyone should perish, but have eternal life! He will let the ‘demon’s’ of the night come calling if that is what it takes. Don’t wait for that to happen.

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "HE is my refuge and my fortress, My God, in whom I trust." Psalms 91:1-2

Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the ONE who can destroy both soul and body in hell. Matthew 10:28

Howdy!

Want to share with you what has occurred over the last year. Since May of last year my life has been a true test of faith in the Lord! For those of you who have seen and wondered what was going on and why I have appeared and disappeared with no explanation, there have been solid reasons. Many feel thy have seen a change in my attitude and actions and it has in some respects been a real blessing. Some have noticed and spoken to me and many have said nothing just noting there were changes going on. For all of you, I thank God for you and your concern and the love you have expressed over this time of trial (that has a double meaning, as you will see).

For some of you even as well as you know me, the information will call into question my ability to moderate. I will not be offended if it does, however, read the entire story before you pass judgement and see how God works even in the darkest moments and times of our lives.

I really only shared the full story with one other moderator who kept the information in confidence at my request because I firmly believed and still see God’s Hand in every step of the last year.

Enough of the preface…lol

Approximately one year ago my granddaughter who was living with my wife and I visited a friend overnight. They were late returning the next day and I thought that at the time something was strange with the mother of the child my granddaughter visited. Another friend who on a regular basis gave me relief with my granddaughter called and asked if she could pick her up early for the weekend. I trusted all of these folks and said sure.

For those who don’t know my wife has been unable in anyway to take care of herself for years and so I was taking care of the medical issues and basic care for her with a bevy of nurses, nurses aides, and the Doctors. She has advanced MS.

Two days later I was visited by the Police Department and asked to come downtown. I went with no clue as to what was going on. Upon arrival they informed me there had been a cry of sexual abuse from my granddaughter against me. Child Protective services showed up later and both the PD and CPS both said I was guilty and needed to fess up! I sat there with my mouth open and denied the allegations. CPS already had taken Marie (my granddaughter), which is legal in Texas if there is fear of the allegations being true.

CPS and the chief investigator for the Police department accompanied me home and I freely gave them all of my computer equipment so they could find out if there was anything that would provide further evidence. All they found were Bible Studies!

However, they also confronted my wife causing much undo stress and eventually resulted in her health deteriorating to the point we put her in a nursing home..more on that later! She and the aide who worked for us denied the charges but I was given a form to fill out related to whom should “foster” my granddaughter as we were dealing with all of the issues. Eventually, not immediately, she was placed with my oldest daughter Amy (Marie’s aunt). My youngest daughter (Tessa) was the child’s mother who had been in the Bexar county jail for 3 weeks awaiting transfer here over a bad check warrant.

This began a 6 week absence from chat while PD and the FBI checked my computer and all my hard disks, etc. It also began one of the deepest depressions I had ever had even knowing the charges were bogus. This all occurred when the judges here in the area had slapped CPS for inappropriate investigations related to the compound in West Texas. They did not learn a thing, as will be evidenced later.

Marie was placed with Amy a couple of weeks after the initial allegations. In the meantime, PD and CPS were very secretive as they continued to be for months about the charges and the basis for the charges. Both Lisa (my wife) and I were denied contact with Marie. When Lisa went to the nursing home in Carrolton the restrictions on her were released but not my restrictions. This is again normal if there is reason to believe abuse has occurred.

Several months went by with minimal information coming from any direction. My wife’s condition had become life threatening at this point and we were faced with placing her in a nursing home. There were 2 legal actions pending (one criminal and one to strip my youngest daughter of her rights as well as my guardianship of Marie). It was decided to move Lisa to a nursing home in Carrollton, Texas so that my oldest daughter could take care of both Lisa’s medical and Marie’s overall welfare. Lisa moved to the nursing home in late September of 2008.

In the meantime, I had been waiting on answers related to the case and packing to move our possessions to Dallas so the family could be reunited when the legal issues were resolved. I cooperated with CPS and PD (except for my reaction on the day this all began). Attended all the conferences, psychiatric evaluations, and family counseling, etc. The family counselor and the Casa worker and CPS worker that had been assigned to the case all agreed that the event had never occurred. The criminal charges were assumed dropped by everyone involved directly with the civil case. The only reason for my involvement was the guardianship of Marie.

I went to work in October for a local convenience store and 10 days later (the 23rrd of October) I was arrested and charged with Aggravated Sexual Assault on the basis of an indictment by a grand jury that I was never notified about. Needless to say I lost that job. I was brought before a magistrate who set the bond at $100,000 and promptly taken to jail. I spent the next 21 days in jail waiting on both God and the wheels of justice to work.

Let me drop back to the beginning of the story to fill in some blanks I have been leaving out and some of this will begin to make sense. I will use outline form because it will help put things in order.

1. In October of 2007 Marie was treated for a condition where the labial lips of her vagina had closed. This involved me continuing from that point to separate the lips and apply the medication. This is a mildly painful process that was continued until January or February of 2008. The problem was no longer an issue as the doctor had predicted (so I thought). Marie had been doing the separation without my knowledge beginning then until the action by CPS.
2. In December of 2008 the folks who had been involved during the week of the CPS action had given Marie a remodel of her bedroom. One of them saw only a few lines of a conversation I was having here in worthy. I was dealing with a new chatter and asked how old she was. When I realized it was a minor I asked where her mother was to verify it was ok for her to be in chat. I was doing what we normally do with a young chatter. The folks involved did not see the rest of the conversation and assumed I was a stalker! They did not report any of this to authorities until the complaint to CPS was made in May.
3. The report also indicated Marie slept on my chest at naptime and bedtime. What was not reported was that this was the only way at the time I could get her to slow down and take a nap. When she went to sleep I would take her to her bed and then lay down to take a nap myself because I was getting so little sleep between Lisa and Marie.
4. The so-called outcry and video was bogus because CPS and PD did not investigate…and continued not to investigate. Marie began the video by stating she lived at that time with the lady who was only to take care of her for the weekend. She properly identified the dolls and the parts. She was very specific in using names for the parts, which she had not been taught up to that point at home. Being 3 years old at the time she showed what she did related to the vagina problem which involved insertion of a finger into the vagina. She was asked if this is what I did. She answered yes not realizing she added more to the story or was coached. She accurately though did describe her reaction to my following the doctors orders with a scream each time to stop.

PD and CPS felt they had open and shut case at this point. I gave the details of all of this to PD the first day; however, they failed to check with the doctor related to anything until Amy became involved after my arrest. She provided the Police Department and CPS with all the evidence from the doctor I was taking Marie to and after the new Doctor in Dallas verified the problem when it redeveloped and had to be treated in the same manner. Marie had given Amy the rest of the information, which eventually led to the Police Department requesting the dropping of charges and the DA agreeing and though delayed submitted the request for a dismissal of charges.

I returned to chat and with disagreements with other mods related to other issues I resigned as a mod. I hurt many mods and chatters with that action. I would not explain what was going on both personally and with the issues there was disagreement over. The problem was with me not anyone else!

I went to work for Wal-Mart in the meantime and worked for 2 days. Had the heart attack, which everyone knows about and was hospitalized for 4 days to recover from surgery. Went back to work 2 weeks later. I was suspended after the 2nd week back because the charges had not been dropped at this point waiting on the DA and judge to sign off on the dismissal. 3 weeks later in January of 2009 I received the court documents that had been signed off on before my suspension from Wal-Mart. I went back to work and between the heart attack and the medications I am now, and my work schedule my time in chat is extremely limited.

The case with Amy being given Primary Managing Custody was over on May 7, 2009 with Marie being awarded to Amy. The reasons for this is because I can physically no longer take care of Marie and frankly Tessa did only what was minimally required as far as counseling, psychiatric, etc required by CPS for her to maintain custody. Beyond that Tessa has never cooperated with anything requested or demanded by CPS or the court. She maintained at best minimal contact with Marie and in the eyes of nearly everyone involved showed no real concern for the child. My managing custody was signed over willingly to Amy and the court signed off on all of the issues related to Tessa and the care of Marie.

Ok, you are wondering at this point how God was working no doubt. My arrest was a blessing though I did not know it. One of the Casa Workers is also a pastor here in town. She was the one handling the civil case for Casa. She did not believe I had done anything wrong from almost the beginning. She came to the jail as a chaplain and prayed with me and brought me a Bible that I cherish now. God used her to slap me around and bring me back to a right relationship with Him! I was allowing circumstance and feeling to dictate everything I doing and not depending on Him. I began really praying and getting right with God. From that point God began to work. I was isolated from all other prisoners and the jailers treated me as anything but a sex offender. I was given privileges accorded no one else because they saw through the attempt at influencing an election. The point though is I got my heart right with God. 24/7 in jail gives Him plenty of time to work! Praise the Lord.

An interesting note…nothing ever appeared in the news media from beginning to end which in itself is God’s Hand. No one else could have kept it out of the media. The election was not influenced and justice was done there as well.

God’s hand was in the “snatch” of Marie by CPS. Though I did not realize it God was dealing with a problem before I even knew it was a problem! Lisa’s condition had become so time consuming I did not have time to properly take care of Marie any longer. God took care of Marie and me even though the circumstances were horrible.

God took care of Lisa and I as well…huh? Yep, it was His hand that was on our circumstance from the beginning. Her condition had been deteriorating for months before all of the problems began. The nurses, aides and I could not keep up with the growing issues. God knew it and allowed the circumstances that would resolve many of her health conditions. Since she has been in the nursing home all of the initial problems have been resolved as of 2 weeks ago! According to her Doctor and the nurses she would have been dead within the time frame she has been in the nursing home if we had not taken action. This is 100 per cent God taking care of His Children.

The heart attack was both a warning and a different type of renewal with God. For years I had ignored my own health for obvious reasons and from poor diet and no exercise among many other things. The warning the heart attack gave was God telling me it was time to take care of myself. God is so good! 2 stents and better living mostly have me back to pretty normal life. The renewal came in an evaluation of my work here in Worthy. My attitude had suffered and I lashed out at many who were attempting to do as God led them. God straightened out many of my attitudes, which was an answer to prayer for many in Chat.

My silence about all of this is best explained as a matter of waiting for the right time to share. I did not think I had God’s permission to discuss this other than to the one person until all of the legal matters were over with. They are and I am now free to talk, see or do whatever I want with Marie. God has renewed me and He deserves the Glory for showing me everything above as well as leading me to take the actions I took with both legal issues. My nature would have been to scream about injustice and to fight. Sometimes God leads us to use Honey rather than venom to accomplish His Will.

Thank you Lord!

Hello, my name is Michael and I wanted to share my testimonial with you. Please forgive me if this is a bit long actually it will more then likely be quite long. However I wanted to share to every one what God has done for me, and how he has changed my life in ways I never thought possible.

To under all this I have to take you back to my childhood. Growing up for me was not easy and I don’t have fond memories of my childhood. I had a lot of behavior problems growing up, and I didn’t make things easy on my Mom or my Step-dad, my real Dad wasn’t in the picture but will come back to him later.

When I was ten I lived in a group home for a year and then when the staff and my parents felt I was ready I went back home. Things were fine for a good while, my brother and I were adopted by my step-dad. I very rarely heard from my real dad but again will come back to him later.

Now eventually things went south, I started having behavior problems and I started being abused. I honestly say what came first my behavior problems or the abuse, all I do know is I can only take responsibility for my own actions. However eventually things got so bad that I was afraid of what might happen. So I took it upon myself to do something about it, I knew I need help and so did my parents. So I went to my school councilor and told them everything that had been going on. They contacted child protective service.

Now eventually this lead to me being put back in to a group home for boys. The group home I was at I had been to before when I was ten years old, I knew the lady who ran it her name was Rose. Soon after I got to the group home Rose told me that my parents had accused me of sexually abusing my Sister, I informed her that this was untrue and the matter was dropped.

Now later I tried to call my parents to talk to them, not about the sexual abuse but just because their my parents. I didn’t want them out of my life. Yet my parents didn’t want anything to do with me, and I was informed by the staff of this.

Some time later I had a melt down…ok I threw a fit and I was restrained by one of the staff members who will call Mark (I forget his name it was so long ago). When I finally calmed down he questioned me about sexually abusing my sister. I tried to tell him that it wasn’t true but he wouldn’t listen and for hours he questioned me, I got so tired and all I wanted to do was sleep so just so I could go to bed I admitted to doing it. I may have done a lot of things I am ashamed of but I have never abused my little sister or any child for that matter.

It was soon after that I stopped trusting people. I connected family and love with pain and suffering because that was all it ever brought me. I eventually moved from that group home to a more of a foster home type place. Just before I left I told Rose that I never sexually abused my sister and she told me that she believed me, that she knew that it wasn’t true.

The foster home were ran buy the nice people you could ever meet. It took them a long time to get close to me, and even longer for me to get to point were I would allow them to hug me. I still connected love and family with pain and suffering.

It wasn’t till I got out on my own that I begin to see that family and love were not always about pain and suffering. It became very clear to me that family and love were a blessing. However these were things I didn’t have, I was alone.

I soon became angry, I begin to blame God for my problems. I turned on him and lashed out at him, I even threaten him, told him that when I died I would kill him (which is pure non-sense). As time went on I became more and more angry and the pain and anger and hate started to consume me, and it was all directed at God.

I demanded God answers me, to tell me what I had done to deserve a life were I was unloved by any one. I demanded him to answer me and tell me why he created me. I never got my answer, or so I thought. I saw everything in my life in a negative way and of course that just made me even more angrier towards God.

I became so lost it wasn’t even funny. Then something happen and it actually started with Passion of the Christ, I soon stopped blaming God for all my problems. I realized that my problems were of my own creation or were because of other factors, not because of god.

Now understand it wasn’t like suddenly become a Christian, because that is far from the case. I begin to struggle with sin, I could believe that God could ever forgive me for the things I had said to him. I felt doomed and lost for all time because of what I had said to him and for things I had done.

It took me a long time to realize that there was nothing I could say or do that God wouldn’t forgive. Yet even as I worked through that issue and I tried so hard to live up to what I thought a Christian should be and yet ever time I did something I knew I shouldn’t I moved away from God.

I also still hated my life and was very depressed and saw my life in negative way. Then something happen I begin to realize that my life wasn’t that bad. I mean I don’t have lots of money or fancy cars and whatnot. What I did have was a roof over my head, food on my table, cloths on my back and money to spend. I soon begin to see things in different light, I realized that God was watching over me. I also looked back in my life and saw that God had always been they’re watching over me, protecting me even from my self. I saw so many moments were I should have been left in ruins but some how I didn’t and so the only conclusion I could come up with was that the lord was watching over me.

Then a few months ago my roommate and best friend tried to kill him self, and somehow he survived. When he got out of the mental hospital he was change person. After two years of being angry at his wife and hating life and wanting to kill him self he was now happy and wanted to live. He let go of all his anger, and again as I looked at this I saw Gods handy work. I can’t explain why I know it I just do in my heart that God stepped in to my friends life and helped him.

Then a week or so ago I signed up for facebook and out of the blue this lady ask me if I was Michael Runk born in 1975 and I told her yea. I quickly put something’s together and realized that she was married to my real dad. My Dad quickly contacted me and he told me that he was married and that his wife had two children one was a year older then me and the other was three years younger me. I mailed him back and told him a bit about the things I had been through and were I was in my life.

The one thing that surprised me was how quickly his wife and her two girls were willing to accept me into the family. I suddenly found a family that I had always sought and I knew that God was behind this, there is no doubt in my mind. I can’t explain it to anyone and I know a lot of people would dismiss it and say that was just dumb luck but in my heart I know it was God hand at work.

I won’t lie and say that I don’t struggle with certain things in my life, because I do. I don’t go to church and I know some Christians would frown on that. However when I look at were I was five years ago and were I am now and I have come a long, long way. I don’t see myself at the end of the journey but at the beginning of one. If God could reach in to my life and bring me this far away from the abyss that I was in then I know he will be there to help me through out my life and that I will continue to develop a relationship with him