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Losing a friend??


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25 replies to this topic

#1
Guest_In_pain_*

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I just got back from a Christian getaway with my girlfriend. There we both got a great time to focus on Him and weed out sin. We both decided that we need to take a long break to let old dogs die and new life come in... we've been sexually immoral together and used to argue very often over little things. But now we're both refocused and we're going to split so again we let the sin die. But I talked to my pastor the other day about the situation, and he said something that surprised me. He said that not only should my girlfriend and I not consider dating/marriage again, but he also said that we should never talk again. She's not only my girlfriend, she's my best friend. I keep thinking to myself, there has to be another way, right? I just feel so connected to this woman. Help.

#2
Trusting Jesus

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Did your pastor give any reason why you shouldn't even talk to her? It could be that he feels that talking together might lead you back to the wrong relationship you have been having. I think you need to speak further with your pastor and find out more.

<>< ><>
Nathele

#3
other one

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If you are looking for advice, it would help greatly to know your age and position in life.

If you are a young teenager things would be different than if you are an older teenager and even more different if you are an adult.

#4
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If you are looking for advice, it would help greatly to know your age and position in life.

If you are a young teenager things would be different than if you are an older teenager and even more different if you are an adult.


I'm a college adult.

My pastor said that we need split completely so we can avoid a sinful relationship. But like I said we KNOW we NEED to split up, for a good deal of time, so those old habits can die and we can glorify God wholly with our relationship. But no contact and no future relationship at all?? I connect with this woman so deeply and she with me... we know eachother in and out. Is it really the best to cast out my best friend??

#5
kat8585

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In my opinion, no.

Have you thought about marrige?

#6
Leonard

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Not enough info to go on. If you let me know what city you live in, I probably know a good Priest nearby who could give the both of you solid Biblical counsel.

#7
other one

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If you are looking for advice, it would help greatly to know your age and position in life.

If you are a young teenager things would be different than if you are an older teenager and even more different if you are an adult.


I'm a college adult.

My pastor said that we need split completely so we can avoid a sinful relationship. But like I said we KNOW we NEED to split up, for a good deal of time, so those old habits can die and we can glorify God wholly with our relationship. But no contact and no future relationship at all?? I connect with this woman so deeply and she with me... we know eachother in and out. Is it really the best to cast out my best friend??


If you mean as much to her as she does to you then you should just get married. The old testament laws tell you to marry if you have been sleeping together and if you are both of the same feelings as best of friends, that's a better reason for marriage than any other I know. Most people don't take the time to become friends before they tie the knot and are not aware of whether or not they can live together after the honeymoon is over. If both of you feel that you can't live without each other then get engaged and make a pack (a public pact known to all) to not sleep together until the marriage takes place........ stay engaged for at least a year. If you can do that, there is a good chance your marriage will last a lifetime...... if you find that you just can't stay away from each other sexually, then you should either marry quickly or do as your pastor suggests..... but whatever happens don't stay in an imoral relationship.

I am lucky in that my wife and I did not have relations until we were married, but we did virtually live together for nine or ten months before we did marry...... I figured that we could be assured of being together after the newness of the sex wore off and we've been together for 39 years as of this month.

As for the arguing about little things, I think you will find that will happen as a marriage develops and you'll have to learn to deal with it no matter who you are with if you're going to stay together.

But it is very very important that you not have sexual relations any more until you marry........ That is not difficult to do if you are not together alone.


If this lady is your soul mate so to speak, you do not want to let her go.. If she feels the same that is.

I know your pastor may not agree, however I know several people who have done what I suggest in the past and all their marriages have held together..... and yes, every single one of them did get married.


If for some reason you don't get together for life, really good friends that can be trusted with your heart (I don't mean sexually) are extremely hard to come by..... I have only found three in my 62 years other than my wife, and I can say that nothing could separate me from those friendships, or to anything that would violate the friendships other than God Almighty Himself.

If she is your best friend, you should want in your heart for nothing to ever hurt her even if you should not become one in marriage..... that is the only way true frienships happen.

#8
FresnoJoe

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I just feel so connected to this woman. Help.

Marry Her

Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.
Proverbs 5:18

And Chase Her The Rest Of Your Lives

Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.
Proverbs 5:19

Howbeit Ever So Slowly As You Age
I Do :)

#9
Fez

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A Pastor is a Pastor, and they give advice yes. But, are they always right? Probably not. However, you know your motives, needs and desires better than anyone. If you search your heart, using Jesus as your guide, and scripture as your only roadmap, and prayer as your direction, you will recieve the answers you are looking for from the Holy Spirit (but you have to stay VERY close to Him, in order to hear)

1Ki 19:11 And he said, "Go out and stand on the mount before the LORD." And behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind tore the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake.
1Ki 19:12 And after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire the sound of a low whisper.

The low whisper - the voice of the Holy Spirit, the voice of God. When you are in a worldy earthquake, fire or hurricane, it is imperiative to listen for the Word. You can only do this by being close (in prayer), because sometimes you have to listen hard to hear (our desires and temptations often deafen us to His voice).

I don't have the quote directly (can't remember it offhand), but Luther (I think it was) said that, sometimes the simple truth in a man's heart speaks louder than the mighty eloquence of the church.

Listen to the Spirit without your desires and temptations getting in the way. Pray and the answer will come.

#10
yesult

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On the surface, I would disagree with your pastors advice. You've both made a very, very hard call in this and done the right thing by splitting up and seeking God individually so you can break old habits. I think that's very wise and God will bless your faithfulness.

I think you should let God be the judge in the situation. You're going to give it a long break - after the break see how the situation stands. If you still think you can't see each other without slipping up, then like someone else said, you're going to have to marry or split permanently. But if you can, then it might be the very foundation that your relationship needs to be able to move into marriage.

All the best with it. (Pray and make God lord over the thing. He's God, a human being isn't, and although this might be good advice, it might also be a mistaken opinion that could cost you your future wife.) Only God is God.

#11
Wrench

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A Pastor is a Pastor, and they give advice yes. But, are they always right? Probably not. However, you know your motives, needs and desires better than anyone. If you search your heart, using Jesus as your guide, and scripture as your only roadmap, and prayer as your direction, you will recieve the answers you are looking for from the Holy Spirit (but you have to stay VERY close to Him, in order to hear)

1Ki 19:11 And he said, "Go out and stand on the mount before the LORD." And behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind tore the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake.
1Ki 19:12 And after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire the sound of a low whisper.

The low whisper - the voice of the Holy Spirit, the voice of God. When you are in a worldy earthquake, fire or hurricane, it is imperiative to listen for the Word. You can only do this by being close (in prayer), because sometimes you have to listen hard to hear (our desires and temptations often deafen us to His voice).

I don't have the quote directly (can't remember it offhand), but Luther (I think it was) said that, sometimes the simple truth in a man's heart speaks louder than the mighty eloquence of the church.

Listen to the Spirit without your desires and temptations getting in the way. Pray and the answer will come.



Amen!

I ain't gonna say what to do. I ain't gonna tell you not to listen to your pastor. But, just because he's the pastor doesn't make him right. But, often times outsiders see more than we do about our lives.

And the weight of what the pastor says should be measured against how close he is with you, your girl, and the rest of the congregation.

Pray and wait. If it's what the Lord intends it will work out, if not, it wont. Pretty simple if you give it to him.

"Blessed is he who waits on the Lord"

Another thing,,, "And the two shall become one flesh" you know what that means.

Anyway, pray, and wait. Blessings to you!

#12
TiggerSP83

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pray about this matter very much. stay apart til you have the sexual sin overcome. then come back together and fast and pray togetrher and asked the Lord what He wants you to do. Don't give up your relationship until the Lord convicts you to do so. keep asking Him til you get an answer. and if the answer is to let her go then do it. but if not then grow together in love, not sexual love until after you are married but love can grow so much more by starting out as best friends then lovers of the heart...not sexual til after marriage.... grow together inHim and then marry when He leads you too then resume your sexual relationship and praise Jesus for each phase that you go thru together...it will bind your hearts together as one...



In Him,

Tig/Sonjia

#13
paul1149

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Unless your pastor knows more than I about this situation, I would say he went too far. I can see the value of separation at this time. It may be wise for it to be complete for a season and indeed could lead to permanent separation. But OTOH it might be more valuable to continue the friendship and work out the fallout together. And I don't see what basis he has for killing all hope for future reconciliation.

The Lord is the ultimate counselor. Be careful - which it sounds like you're already doing - and feel your way forward maybe with little steps. I will pray that the Lord gives you the wisdom you need (see Jm. 1)

p.

#14
40bill

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Sounds like you really have a dilemma. I wish I could give you an easy answer. I would guess your pastor knows your situation better than I, but just from what you have posted, this is what I would chime in with:

It seems you have both made a conscious decision to focus on Jesus and your faith. Excellent. Shows good
judgement in my opinion.

It is often difficult for even the strongest person of faith to return to a situation where there was originally a sinful situation and NOT slide back into the same habit. This is not blaming you or your partner, but is
just the fact.

Also please realize that even if BOTH of you have made a sincere committment to Jesus, every human being grows in faith as the Spirit wills. Sounds strange, but true. A month from now, you both may see things differently...or be at a different stage.

I would disagree with your pastor's direction based on the info I have....but it really isn't much.

If you are truly both wanting to separate for the purpose of faith in Christ, you may find it difficult
to reconcile. No human can say who will come into their lives tomorrow.

Good luck to you both. My bottom line advice is to pray and believe. I would also ask your pastor
his reasoning behind his advice. You may find that he has good, sound reasoning for it.

God's blessings...

#15
crazzycat

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I am also Chrstian but i can't understand how pastor can forbid relationships between two persons that love each other, of cause sin is bad thing and we must avoid it, but friendship is surely possible the problem is can you and your girlfriend can be friends?

#16
JCISGD

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The short answer is get a new pastor or do what he says, if you dont think he is giving counsel from God then dont sit under him. The bible says that those over us are their for our protection, and proverbs says "a man seperates himself so he can go his own way.

God knows the woman you need for the life He has for you, and Satan has one to offer you also.

I know this will sound harsh but i have learnt the hard way. The fact that it became sexual is proof that you neither love each other or are true friends and are living out of your selfish desires. I speak as one who has done the same, so this is not to condemn you but to spare you.

Jesus says if something causes you to sin cut it off, its better to gain heaven than to lose your soul.

My advice is that you ask God for a wife and when she comes along marry her, but do not go to her house alone and do not put yourself in danger of sinning again. Your soul depends on it.

Do not have any form of physical contact before marriage not even holding hands as you have already shown yourself without restraint. Satan is crouching at your door my friend, which way will you choose?

#17
Godfearer

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repentance means that you drop whatever it is turn 180 degrees around AND NEVER GO BACK TO IT!!!
if you where practicing sin and you go back you will "kindel the anger of the Lord" and you dont want that.
something that stuck out in your post was she is your best friend. no. The Living God is your best friend. and if you put something before Him you have broken the first of the ten commandments.
i type this in love.
Jesus said you got to forsake stuff/people on his behalf if you want to do his will. if you ask for his will and do it not, well the 7th chapter in mathew says not all who say Lord Lord will make it. that they will say we have cast out devils and done many wonderful works in your name but he will reply he never knew you depart ye who work iniquity.
its always hard to give up things for the Lord.
all i can comfort you with is if you do his will he will reward you.

#18
Gold David

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Its your life. The decision should be taken by you but I would like to say one thing that sometimes "God is greater than our heart."

I don't know why the pastor told such harsh words to you but it doesn't matter as it is your life.
Yes, its up to you.

#19
ISOT

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I just got back from a Christian getaway with my girlfriend. There we both got a great time to focus on Him and weed out sin. We both decided that we need to take a long break to let old dogs die and new life come in... we've been sexually immoral together and used to argue very often over little things. But now we're both refocused and we're going to split so again we let the sin die. But I talked to my pastor the other day about the situation, and he said something that surprised me. He said that not only should my girlfriend and I not consider dating/marriage again, but he also said that we should never talk again. She's not only my girlfriend, she's my best friend. I keep thinking to myself, there has to be another way, right? I just feel so connected to this woman. Help.


Have you discussed the possibility of marriage?
You're both Christian and seemingly very compatible.
Why not consider seeing a Christian marriage couselor?

#20
ISOT

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I would suggest you discuss the possibility of marriage with her.
You're both Christian and seemingly very compatible.
If either one of you is not willing to take that step then I would say it's best to follow your pastor's advice.
If you think it's worth considering I would strongly suggest seeing a Christian premarital counselor.




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