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Depression and suicide


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#1
Mark2005

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Describing depression to someone who has never experienced it is sort of akin to describing a sunset to a blind man.

This was published within the past week -- in the wake of former football star Junior Seau's death --- in a major US newspaper by someone far more famous than I, but it accurately describes the mood of someone suffering with major depression.

With depression, there are no bright colors. A good day is a light gray or a muted blue. Most days are just gray. A bad day is pitch black.

People with depression can't always just "turn that frown upside down." They can't always just suck it up. It's a dark, overwhelming place sometimes. And a lot of us suffer alone because we are ashamed. We feel stupid. How can a person be incapable of having fun? Any moron knows how to have a good time.

It's almost impossible to talk about it to regular people (bosses, spouses, friends). They can't fathom how somebody in good physical health, with a good job, with kids who love them, who seems relatively normal on the outside, can be terminally unhappy.

And when you try to explain it, you come off sounding so pathetic, so weak and whiney, even to yourself — it's just easier, though infinitely more harmful, to suffer in silence.


I've suffered from major depression for the majority of my adult life and part of my adolescene as well. Some days I wonder how I even made it this far or if the struggle was worth it. My first suicidal thought --- although not an actual attempt -- came during high school. In the subsequent years, there have been other times when the will to live left me and the urge to end it all was overwhelming. As life continued, my reasons to keep living and fighting grew fewer and fewer. Each subsequent setback seem to hurt more than the previous one; each pit of dispair seemed a little deeper and took longer to recover from.

I've come to accept the fact that perhaps there are no answers; perhaps people who struggle with this illness do so for their entire lifetimes -- however long or short they may be.

If you or someone you know has struggled with this illness and/or attempted suicide, feel free to share your stories here. And please know you are not alone.

#2
FresnoJoe

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Praying~!

#3
hippo's hope is HIM

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Mark I've struggled with depression for a long time.

It is like seeing the world in grey. I didn't know how to 'have fun' as the article said.

Personally I think a lot of my depression started with losing my career that I loved and starting school. And losing god. And then starting on that long journey with my ex-fiance. And I think a large part of it was because I got so sick. The lyme's disease took away my ability to function.

The one thing I can say though is it doesn't last forever Mark. There are days that are black days. But some days you will have more color than others. And those days are worth waiting around for. I finally found the right combination of medication to help me with my moods. With the depression. Two years of Russian roulette with drugs was no picnic, but my life has improved so much by finding the right set.

There were days though (not so long ago in fact) where I wanted to hurt myself. Where I had to call a friend before I did something harmful. I used to envision driving my car into trees a lot. Or driving into ditches. I never wanted to harm anyone else. I only wanted the darkness to stop. I am so afraid of the dark, and it was surrounding me and choking off everything that I was trying to live for. I thought about dying a lot. But I was also very afraid to die. I wanted no pain. But I was so afraid about what I would find if I did die. AND I realized how selfish suicide was. And every time I wanted to end it I thought about all those people who loved me who I would leave behind and that stopped me. I was very lucky that I didn't attempt it as much as I thought about it. and planned for it.

I shared all that to make a point. My point being depression won't go away on its own, most likely. Medication may be needed. Therapy may be needed. A support system. Something. Something external might be needed to help you through it, and there's nothing wrong with seeking help for it.

If the depression is caused from a chemical imbalance then it is a treatable medical condition, just like diabetes or high blood pressure, and as long as you take the medication you shouldn't have too much problem with it.

If it is situational, then once the situation has resolved itself it will probably go away.

Mine happens to be chemical. :( and now that I am more balanced, I am so thankful that I am feeling loads better. I feel like I can live again. I am laughing again. Some days I find myself whistling. (not that I am good at it though lol) My head is just a little bit higher when I walk.

My advice to people suffering from depression, would simply be don't give up! Fight it. It doesn't have to rule your life.

:bighug2: Thanks for starting this thread mark. I hope you are feeling better soon. You will be on my mind.

#4
mizzdy

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Depression is hard to deal with there seems sometimes that there is nothing behind it, no reasons but the feelings of emptiness, darkness and all those nasty things that keep drawing us down into a deep bottomless pit. Even having children a husband who loves me beyond belief, having a 'good' life couldnt keep me from feeling alone, lost, lonely, and suidical. Some days I could plan on oh so many ways to get myself out of all that darkness. Theres a lot of fear and anger also in depression, for me it was because I couldnt figure out why in the world with everything He has given me why did I feel all that spiraling out of control. Part, a frankly a small part, was my diseases which had myself out of whack but even after I got those under control it wouldnt go away. Spending days with all the blinds closed, my face stuck staring at a tv then attempting to pull myself up and get in the game, rationalizing things just didnt work. What I found was, for me, getting on my knees face planted crying and screaming to Him to help me. Unlike most who make that claim I didnt get instant results nor that whole feel good thing I had heard most say. It took more than once on my knees before Him until He started to show me what was wrong in my life. Here I am years later, I still get down, not depressed though, I have not had one dark period since that time. He showed me what was wrong and then gave me the avenues to put myself on the right path. Its a process although I really wanted to have that instant healing, that immediate feeling of wellness, wholeness, now I am so glad that Yah didnt do that for me I am glad He showed me slowly how to grow in His ways which is what set me off that path of suicidal depression.


Sometimes, most of the time, we need to let go of things and realize that He is in control. Sometimes we need to understand we live in a fallen world and our bodies are broken down and even in need of medication to help right the unbalanced portions of our bodies. Whatever it is I pray for all those here and everywhere that He give relief, guideance and strength to overcome.


shalom,
Mizz

#5
gdemoss

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My early years dealing with depression were all about unrealized expectations and the troubled feelings associated with them.

My most recent depression, which was worse than all depressions I have ever experienced was caused by my lack of obedience to the word of God and his subsequent chastening to correct my disobedience, Praise God!

That was one year ago.

I repented and turned back to the Lord with all my heart.

I have been fine since and filled with love, joy and peace.

In Jesus Name,

Gary

#6
LCE635

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Mark

When I look back to my childhood , teenager, young adult years I see a very sad person. Really struggling to survive. From my past the only "happy times" that I remember is when my children where babies.
My marriage was a bad one. Yes I was happy when I accomplished my goals. It did not last much. Maybe because I was always striving to be perfect. About 5 years ago my daughter was very depressed. I looked for the best psychiatrist that I could find. I was in nursing school, making $ 800 every 2 wks. I don't know how but God provided a way for me to pay him $ 200 per session/wk. During her sessions she disclosed my deep depression. He started to watch me whenever I would take my daughter. I told him that I was a lost cause and that I had no hopes to ever get better. He asked me for a chance. When I graduated and had a good insurance I started to see him. We tried many different meds, therapies, etc. As soon as a was feeling better I would stop the meds. clonopin was my best friend. He is very careful with meds and would not prescribe more than what he wanted. At that time I was working in the ER as an RN. All of a sudden I started to bring the left over ativan home. The protocol is to discard in front of an other nurse. ER is very busy. It is a place where we just trust each other. I was putting them in my pocket instead of the garbage. I could not tell him that. By law, and he is a law obeying professional , he had to report me to the authorities. I told my daughter.
She told him and we made an agreement that I would check myself in. 10 days in a psych floor. Horrible experience. 90% of the patients were also drug addicts. Whe I left I promised myself that I would never go back to a place like that. I left the ER, it was not a safe place for me. Life continued to be gray for about 3 years. On and off meds. Increasing and decreasing meds. Finally about 4 months ago I went back to him and he put me on a new cocktail. It is working. I lost my job right after that but I still able to look for a job, get up and take care of my son and garden. Sometimes I skip the shower but when I go to an interview nobody would tell. Don't give up. If your doctor is not helping. If he his keeping you on the zolof, prozac and alike with out something stronger, look for someone else.
By the way, my daughter is graduating from one of the best universities this month. At times she struggles but she has a bunch of friends and don't see herself as depressed.

#7
gdemoss

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The answer is always found in scripture.

Pro 16:3 Commit thy works unto the LORD, and thy thoughts shall be established.

#8
Fez

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The answer is always found in scripture.

Pro 16:3 Commit thy works unto the LORD, and thy thoughts shall be established.

It's not always as easy as that.

And it is difficult for someone who has not suffered true depression (not just the blues), to understand the black pit, the edge of which one stands at every second of the day.

Of course prayer is important, but you need others to pray for you, because when you are truly depressed your universe is yourself, and you can't. You simply can't.

#9
Cobalt1959

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Describing depression to someone who has never experienced it is sort of akin to describing a sunset to a blind man.

This was published within the past week -- in the wake of former football star Junior Seau's death --- in a major US newspaper by someone far more famous than I, but it accurately describes the mood of someone suffering with major depression.

With depression, there are no bright colors. A good day is a light gray or a muted blue. Most days are just gray. A bad day is pitch black.

People with depression can't always just "turn that frown upside down." They can't always just suck it up. It's a dark, overwhelming place sometimes. And a lot of us suffer alone because we are ashamed. We feel stupid. How can a person be incapable of having fun? Any moron knows how to have a good time.

It's almost impossible to talk about it to regular people (bosses, spouses, friends). They can't fathom how somebody in good physical health, with a good job, with kids who love them, who seems relatively normal on the outside, can be terminally unhappy.

And when you try to explain it, you come off sounding so pathetic, so weak and whiney, even to yourself — it's just easier, though infinitely more harmful, to suffer in silence.


I've suffered from major depression for the majority of my adult life and part of my adolescene as well. Some days I wonder how I even made it this far or if the struggle was worth it. My first suicidal thought --- although not an actual attempt -- came during high school. In the subsequent years, there have been other times when the will to live left me and the urge to end it all was overwhelming. As life continued, my reasons to keep living and fighting grew fewer and fewer. Each subsequent setback seem to hurt more than the previous one; each pit of dispair seemed a little deeper and took longer to recover from.

I've come to accept the fact that perhaps there are no answers; perhaps people who struggle with this illness do so for their entire lifetimes -- however long or short they may be.

If you or someone you know has struggled with this illness and/or attempted suicide, feel free to share your stories here. And please know you are not alone.


I've struggled with this at times. It is a family malady that almost everyone on my Father's side of the family suffers from at one time or another. Like you are trapped in a deep, dark pit and you can't get out. You don't want to talk to anyone, interact with anyone, do anything. You just stop caring about just about everything. There is no quick fix.

I have been on the verge of suicide. In 2000, my wife and I were seperated and going through a divorce. I was losing the house because I'd been to worried about spending money on whatever I wanted instead of the house. I had the kids that day and after I took them home that evening, I was going to take something guaranteed to send me to the other side and that would end my problems. I got a phone call a couple of hours before I planned to do this from someone I would have a relationship with that I never should have had, but it kept me from seeing my plans through. It was the light at the end of a tunnel. And even though our relationship did not work out, that eventually led me to someone else with which it did work out and has since 2001. Since then, and her insistance that we get back into church and get our hearts right with the Lord, I have not had a major bout of depression since.

#10
gdemoss

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The answer is always found in scripture.

Pro 16:3 Commit thy works unto the LORD, and thy thoughts shall be established.

It's not always as easy as that.

And it is difficult for someone who has not suffered true depression (not just the blues), to understand the black pit, the edge of which one stands at every second of the day.

Of course prayer is important, but you need others to pray for you, because when you are truly depressed your universe is yourself, and you can't. You simply can't.


Nobody mentioned prayer though prayer is good for sure and intercessory prayer is best. I mentioned committing our works unto the Lord. It is how I climbed out of the black abyss myself.

Gary

#11
nebula

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Mine began pre-adolescence, maybe as early as 10 years old - at least as I can trace noticing the symptoms.

It's like living in a pea-soup fog, never knowing what the sunshine actually looks like. A good day is when the fog is less thick.

I still have layers to get through, but deliverance from the strongman came when the Lord led me to see and truly understand and accept the good that came out of all the pain I had lived through and experienced since I was young. For the first time, I thanked Him, verbally, for all the pain that was in my life. Note, it was very difficult to vocalize this, yet I knew I had to. But I truly did mean it (which is why it was hard to speak). But having confessed it, I could feel something change. I saw sunshine for the first time in my life! The fog was gone!


Still working out other chains . . . self-hatred, hopelessness, . . . but that was the big hurdle to begin my journey of freedom.

#12
Mark2005

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It's like living in a pea-soup fog, never knowing what the sunshine actually looks like. A good day is when the fog is less thick.



Yep, very true. :b:

#13
Hall7

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A good cure I found, was to find a church where you can feel the Holy spirit. It may take a while to find the right church but when you do you'll know the difference. When there are praises and singing to the Lord, and you can start to feel a chill of overwhelming emotions in your spirit, that is the time when you have to completely surrender yourself to the spirit of God. By doing so you will be overwhelmed by the Holy spirit and completely cleansed of worldly mental issues. You will probably start weeping in tears, but it's ok because they are tears of healing, tears of renewing the spirit and body.
Once you have accomplished that, don't give up thinking that it was a quick fix and that everything will be ok from now on and to not feel the need to stay in God' spirit. It has to become a daily thing, we have to clean our spirits everyday. I do so by saying these words: I thank you Lord Jesus for filling my body, soul, spirit and mind by the Holy blood of Jesus Christ. Thank you Lord Jesus for sanctifying my spirit, soul, body and mind. I rebuke any negative spirits that might try to oppress my spirit, mind, body and soul in the name of Jesus! The enemy has no power over me for I am sanctified by the Holy blood of Jesus Christ! Say these words with faith and authority and I promise that you will be fine as long as you keep it up. I was in that place for a very long time Mark. Be strong and you will be happy in life. God wants you to prosper and to be happy in life, and It's up to you to seek His help.
I hope this helped, God bless you...

Edited by Hall7, 18 May 2012 - 05:26 PM.


#14
angels4u

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Hi Nebula,

It's so nice to see you're still posting on WB ,you're a wonderful person who helped and cared for a lot of Worthy people on this Worthyboard!





:)

#15
angels4u

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Describing depression to someone who has never experienced it is sort of akin to describing a sunset to a blind man.

This was published within the past week -- in the wake of former football star Junior Seau's death --- in a major US newspaper by someone far more famous than I, but it accurately describes the mood of someone suffering with major depression.

With depression, there are no bright colors. A good day is a light gray or a muted blue. Most days are just gray. A bad day is pitch black.

People with depression can't always just "turn that frown upside down." They can't always just suck it up. It's a dark, overwhelming place sometimes. And a lot of us suffer alone because we are ashamed. We feel stupid. How can a person be incapable of having fun? Any moron knows how to have a good time.

It's almost impossible to talk about it to regular people (bosses, spouses, friends). They can't fathom how somebody in good physical health, with a good job, with kids who love them, who seems relatively normal on the outside, can be terminally unhappy.

And when you try to explain it, you come off sounding so pathetic, so weak and whiney, even to yourself — it's just easier, though infinitely more harmful, to suffer in silence.


I've suffered from major depression for the majority of my adult life and part of my adolescene as well. Some days I wonder how I even made it this far or if the struggle was worth it. My first suicidal thought --- although not an actual attempt -- came during high school. In the subsequent years, there have been other times when the will to live left me and the urge to end it all was overwhelming. As life continued, my reasons to keep living and fighting grew fewer and fewer. Each subsequent setback seem to hurt more than the previous one; each pit of dispair seemed a little deeper and took longer to recover from.

I've come to accept the fact that perhaps there are no answers; perhaps people who struggle with this illness do so for their entire lifetimes -- however long or short they may be.

If you or someone you know has struggled with this illness and/or attempted suicide, feel free to share your stories here. And please know you are not alone.


Hi Mark,
I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so down, I wish I could give you good advice,but I know from family member how difficult depression is ,is there anything you can do to help yourself?
Do you enjoy gardening? Also pets are very good to have around and above all there's God in heaven who cares about you,Jesus knows what you're going through and if you stay close to Him , He will hold you tight ,His arms are around you and he's whispering in your ear---can you hear His voice?

Did you see a doctor?

#16
AnyythingButOrdinary

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I know that some believe that depression can be treated with medication. And I respect those beliefs but mine differs. I believe that Doctors created this medicine because this is the only thing that makes sense to them. They don't believe in God. They don't believe in the war that rages around us. They're scientists.

I believe that satan will attempt to bring God's people down by any means. I believe he waits and watches, learning our weaknesses. I believe he uses the mind to plant lies in hopes that we believe them.

Everyone who has been or is depressed thinks bad thoughts. They focus on things. This leads to depression. There is always some kind of lie satan is feeding into that person: You're worthless. You are ugly. You are stupid. No one loves you. You will amount to nothing.

Or

What's the point of being around people? I would rather be alone. I don't want to live. I hate who I am.

There are so many different thoughts that course through the mind.

Taking medication never deals with the problem. If you accepted Christ as you Lord and Savior, you need to turn to Him. Let Him deal with this issue. Give it all to Him. Lay it at His feet. No, it's not that easy, but if you continue to focus on Him...He will walk you through and set you free. Depression is a bondage. You feel like there is no escape but there is. When bad thoughts enter your mind, quote scripture that proves otherwise. Read the Bible. Pray.

This is a battle. Satan seeks to destroy you and his greatest weapon is the lies he plants in your mind. Don't give into them. Don't listen to them but instead, listen to Gods word.

You may think I don't understand but I do. Just recently I stepped out of depression. I had struggled with this my whole life. But this was the worse I have ever experienced. I started cutting myself. I tried committing suicide many times but always failed. I would get so frustrated. I didn't want to live. I felt worthless. Stupid. Ugly, fat. I felt like no one loved me or cared...and no one would miss me if I went. I gave into every lie. It was painful, beyond what mere words can describe. I never smiled. I cried constantly. And in my mind I would think of many ways to end my life.

Satan was seeking to destroy me. And this didn't happen when I wasn't saved (even though I was depressed when I wasn't) but when I had served God for 7 years and this happened just 1 month ago.

The thing was, I knew I needed to adapt a better mindset. I knew that Satan was just trying to bring me down. But my emotions overpowered my logic.

I also realized that I was dealing with the root of rejection. And it's no mild case. It explains why I feel the way I feel. Act the way I act. See things the way I see things. But I refused to deal with it. And the depression grew. But now I am trying to deal with it. Trying to face it but not alone. God is here. He is by my side, lending me strength.

My advise is to go to God. It will be a battle but keep praying. God will set you free from the bandage of depression. Don't look at it through the eyes if the world but through Gods eyes alone. There is a battle raging around us. Put the armor of God on and fight. Don't give up. God has a plan for your life and Satan knows this. He wants you dead! He wants you incompassited. Why? BECAUSE THERE IS POWER IN YOU! And that is God! He knows if you stopped believing his lies, he are capable of anything. And the last thing he wants you to do is bring glory to God in anyway. The last thing he wants you to do is be used by God.

And if you don't know God, he loves you. Repent. Accept him as your personal savior and be set free! It is possible! You don't needs drugs.

And find someone who is used by God to lead you. We all need leaders in our lives. Someone who loves you and cares. Someone who may have gone through this and is now set free. Someone who is spiritually strong.

Also, seek counciling. I have. It feels good to just talk things out.

Fight! For you're worth saving. Jesus thought so...he died on the cross for you.

I know this was long. I am a bit passionate about this. :wub:

Edited by AnyythingButOrdinary, 27 May 2012 - 09:52 AM.


#17
Mark2005

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Thank you for sharing.

It is a complicated issue with many factors: hereditary, physical, spiritual, life experiences, etc.

No two people are the same and what works for one person may or may not work for someone else. Over the years, I have tried a number of things. Some worked to a certain degree, others not so much.

Likewise, each of perceives God through the prism of our own life experiences. Often it can be difficult to find the truth even in the best of times, much less when one is not thinking clearly. I do know, however, that depression knows no religion, no age, no gender, etc.

#18
Butero

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When I was younger, I used to struggle with depression. It started as a result of circumstances, but it became part of me. Someone told me that I was depressed because I choose to be depressed, and that it was me deciding to remain in that condition. In my case, that was all it took. I simply chose to stop being depressed, and have been relatively content ever since. That is me. I have two other people that are close to me who struggle with serious depression. They have not been able to overcome it. They both require counseling and medication. I don't know that there is a one size fits all solution to everyone? Sometimes it is demonic as Anythingbutordinary said. Sometimes it is a choice you get comfortable with, as was the case with me. Sometimes it is a chemical imbalance. I used to write depression off, and look at psycholgists as quacks. That is pretty much the mindset of most Pentecostals, but now I am not so sure? I do not discount the amount of influence demons play in keeping people down. I know they are real, but there are people with chemical imbalances, and that can cause depression as well?

Mark, I wish it would be as easy for you to overcome as it was for me. I wish that you could just realize you were choosing to be depressed because it had become comfortable for you. I wish you could look at how blessed you are, rather than focusing on only the bad. I could easily give you the kind of tough love and rebuke I got, and I would if I knew it would help, but I don't know you that well. You may need someone to pray for you, because you may be experiencing demonic oppression? You may need counseling to overcome past events? You may need medication for a chemical imbalance? The only thing I can do is pray that God gives you the wisdom to know what is the root cause of your depression, so you can get free from it? I have no doubt there is a solution, and that you won't have to be depressed the rest of your life. The only question is where the solution lies, and that means finding the root cause. I wish you well, because I know depression is an awful thing to live with.

#19
nebula

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Everyone who has been or is depressed thinks bad thoughts. They focus on things. This leads to depression. There is always some kind of lie satan is feeding into that person: You're worthless. You are ugly. You are stupid. No one loves you. You will amount to nothing.

Or

What's the point of being around people? I would rather be alone. I don't want to live. I hate who I am.

There are so many different thoughts that course through the mind.

Taking medication never deals with the problem.

You make a good point here. I struggle with these negative thoughts no matter what mood I am in. thus when my chemicals go out of balance, these thoughts have louder voices, so to speak.

And you're right; medication won't fix, cure, subdue, or change that.

#20
hippo's hope is HIM

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Everyone who has been or is depressed thinks bad thoughts. They focus on things. This leads to depression. There is always some kind of lie satan is feeding into that person: You're worthless. You are ugly. You are stupid. No one loves you. You will amount to nothing.

Or

What's the point of being around people? I would rather be alone. I don't want to live. I hate who I am.

There are so many different thoughts that course through the mind.

Taking medication never deals with the problem.

You make a good point here. I struggle with these negative thoughts no matter what mood I am in. thus when my chemicals go out of balance, these thoughts have louder voices, so to speak.

And you're right; medication won't fix, cure, subdue, or change that.


No medication won't change thoughts all together. But they will decrease suicidal thoughts. They will shut the voices up long enough so you can do something about it yourself. Cognitive behavioral therapy will change the "thoughts" the negative 'voices' as you say.

But doing nothing at all- won't make anything go away.

And, "just praying" and Just "repenting" probably won't make it go away either. especially if it's a chemical problem. Which these other posters apparently didn't have to deal with if their's just went away after 'turning to god'




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