I was saved at the age of 18 and filled with the Holy Spirit. I felt free and clean in my heart and mind. I had trouble during my teen years from being verbally and emotionally and mentally abused by a parent. As well meaning as that parent was, i was left feeling tormented and messed up in my mind with very little low self esteem. I left home at 19 to get away from that parent bullying me. I tried to go to college, I attempted to work, but had no success at anything. I did live and work in a motel for a year in a bad part of town. then moved into one of my relatives apartments in another city. I just did not do well when i got out on my own by myself at 24-25 years of age. I didnt not know how to pay bills, or balance a checkbook or make money for that matter, I had no skill and no college degree, and sit in the house all the time. I did not go to church, I isolated myself and started hearing voices. Voices inside and outside of my mind. I wound up having a mental breakdown. I know I was hearing voices of angels and demons, and feeling weird things and even seeing what I thought was ghosts. I remember voices yelling and screaming at me, inside and outside my mind, it was almost like i unknowing opened some kind of door into the spirit realm. Im 48 years old now and dont really remember exactly what the voices were saying or why they were so loud. All I know is I felt tormented and oppressed mentally by the devil and his demons. I should have seen a psychiatrist back then.
I went to a Christian family that helped me find someone to pray for me. I got delivered and stopped hearing the voices, and feeling and seeing things. It worked for the most part, I went on from there, got back into church, and went to a 2 year Bible college where I met my first wife. We got married in 1989, and adopted 2 babies, and I even kept a job as convenient store manager for 8 years. Even though I would get very stressed and was very moody and angry alot, we stayed married up until 2001 when I had another breakdown. I was about 38 years old.
I got offended and hurt feelings over something that happened in the church. For some reason getting my offended or my feelings hurt was a big trigger for me. I left the church I was in at that time and things went downhill again. This time the voices came back, I was working at a factory and attempting going to another church. The devil and his demon voices had me convinced that people i worked with and in the church were satanists. and that someone in their coven stood in proxy for me, and I could hear and feel and know things that were going on in their services. I thought God had given me discernment who these people were in my workplace and church we were attending and they were speaking to me by telepathy in my home and workplace. Even had me believing that these pastors were actually satanists. It was a very scarey time in my life. I feared for my life and the life of my family. My exwife called my mom because she didnt know what to do. My mom took me to the ER in another town, where they had a mental health facility, and from there I went into the hospital for 3 weeks.
I had more peace in that hospital, there was so much strife in my homelife and it was taking the toil on my marriage. I was on medicine and still very paranoid, but the doctor thought i was well enough to go back home and work. But, I struggled with working and taking my meds and went downhill again. I wound up leaving my wife and kids and coming back home where my parents lived. I didnt know anyone to go this time, so I went to the local mental health center there in that town. In 2002, I was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia and got on disability and the divorce was finalized. My exwife had had enough of me and couldnt handle my illness and me not taking my meds right.
I had another breakdown in 2005. I got off my meds again, and attempted to get involved in church and got my feelings hurt again, actually I was asked to leave the church. Heart broken, I withdrew and isolated myself and started hearing voices again. I was told by the voices that they hated me and wanted to break my will, then on the other hand I was told that they loved me and told me to stand firm and give the victory to Jesus and that He would fight for me. I can remember driving in the car and hearing the voices in the air outside my window as i drove.
The voices always tried to disquise as people i knew, but deep down i knew I was hearing the voices of angels and demons. I would fall into the delusion everytime that they were real people, This time, I thought these people were in the empty apartment next to me and I thought i could hear them whispering in the walls. I was weepy and crying out all the time and deeply depressed and oppressed during these traumatized breakdowns. Completely broken by the world and especially the church, I was a easy target for satan to try to convert me into being a satanist, but ultimately he never succeeded to break my will. I would get to a certain point i couldnt handle the mental and inner pain. I reached out for help again, this time again I went back to my psychiatrist and got back on my meds, but still lived as a outcast from society. I stayed at home and lived on the internet. That's not a way to live. I did have good friends on the net that kept me company through those lonely years, but had no friendships or relationships outside of the home. I would wait til late in the night to go buy groceries, and would rarely get out. Even though i was steady on my meds and not hearing voices since my breakdown in 2005.
Then one day in 2010 I took a big leap of faith that changed my life for the better. During a very lonely depression and desperation time, I started reaching out to people on the internet. I typed in a exgirlfriends name that I went to church camp when we were teenagers. We started facebooking, then dating and eventually got married in Oct 2010. It was a big leap of faith for me and to move to another state out of my fearful and lonely life.
In 2012 we started going to a Assembly of God church. I still see a psychiatrist and in a outpatient mental health support group now for over a year. I havent felt this good in a very long time. I feel like God has really healed my mind and my heart since i came out of isolation. I feel compelled by God to share this testimony of healing in the church where I am attending. I am even thinking of going back to school and getting into the mental health field or Christian counseling. I will be 49 years old in a matter of weeks so this is another big transition and a chance to take a leap of faith. I have a great desire in my heart to help other people as i have been helped, and to be a part in their recovery and healing.
The Lord has given me a vision of me sharing my testimony in church and afterwards praying for people. I feel strongly compelled by God that this is the right place and time. Thanks for taking the time to read this testimony. If you want to comment on this, feel free to do that. I welcome all encouragement that I can get. This is a huge step of faith for me to even share this, and even bigger step talking to my pastor, and sharing this testimony.
I am constantly re-editing this and correcting grammar and adding stuff If you want to read the currrently, here is a link where the edited version is
Please see my profile for the URL to my site.
Edited by OneLight, 17 December 2012 - 07:49 PM.
... placed URL in profile