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marriage trouble


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Posted (edited) · Report post

ok, so i have this friend whose husband is driving her up the wall. he is so stubborn in everything and never considers her in decision or considers her feelings. he is a very detatched, emotionless person, i have seen this for myself; and doesn't respond to her, period. needlesss to say, she feels totally alone in their relationship. not a good example for their two very young children. they've been married for three years. the guy says he's a christian, but as far as i can tell he's just outward for show to others. my friend is at the end of herself, she feels like she can't even pray about him anymore, or even love him. she says: how can you love someone who will never ever love you back?

any thoughts/advice as well as prayer is appreciated. i really know what to say to her anymore, but my heart so goes out to her.

Edited by *Zion*
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Posted · Report post

Honestly, my husband was a lot like that for the first few years of our marriage. It seemed like everything came before me...it was extremely frustrating and I felt totally unloved. We have been together for 21 years now...and he is wonderful. I couldn't ask for a better, more attentive husband. So I wouldn't give on him yet..the only grounds there really are for divorce is infidelity :) There are ways to bring out the best in people, and she is going to have to figure out how to move him.

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Posted · Report post

Why did she marry him? Surely they got to know each other first?

So often I have seen this. A woman will be attracted to a man for the very reason that DRIVES HER NUTS A FEW YEARS DOWN THE ROAD.

"He is SO good with money!" a few years down the road becomes: "He's so cheap I can't stand it!"

Or a woman marries a man hoping to change him, AND MEN DON'T CHANGE!!!!

My advice would be 'stay prayed up and pray with him as often as possible.'

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hi, sorry it's taken so long to reply: we (she & me) are both praying, and I believe God is working it out, but she's still working on how to motivate/move him. she's been trying for so long she just feels like giving up. i think maybe she actually needs to do that; take a step back and trust God to work on him. by the way, i don't think it's fair to stereotype men and women: different people have different relationships. but i do appreciate you both trying to help. will keep you posted - hopefully with a testimony. she really needs one! they both do.

bless you.

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Man, this kind of thing is so hard. My wife and I have been separated about 3 months. I sent out an email today in which I took responsibility for my part in things without even mentioning hers. I have never met anyone who likes the truth behind the recipe for healing these types of relationship problems. Self sacrifice for the purpose of trying to win the other completely to Christ is what I have found to be the biblical way. I have been diligently seeking Christ to strengthen me from within as I have poured myself out on my wife in ways that I never believed possible. I have already committed myself as all in and put her heart in the hand of the Lord.

Praying for you and your friend.

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Thanks gdemoss, your words go right to it. However, asking her to sacrifice even more of herself than she already has is like poking a stick at a beehive. I don't really want to do it! She's seen your post, and all she did was sigh and shake her head. I think she appreciates what I'm doing, but it's very hard for her to accept. All I want to do is help. She knows that if it would help for me to tell her to walk away then I would do it. (I have been tempted to suggest it once or twice, seeing everything he's been putting her through. He is very selfish/self-involved.) On the other hand, any little gesture her husband makes she can't trust to be the real thing because he's built up her hopes only to let her down so many times before, she really wonders about her committing/sacrificing herself fully yet again. I pray that she has the strength to pray the prayers you've being praying for yourself.

Having said all of that, things do seem to be going much better between them now. She's still not fully convinced, but she's willing to see where it will go. She still loves him. A lot.

Thanks for the prayers, God bless you.

Edited by *Zion*
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BFP really got down to it when she said the only biblical justification for divorce is infidelity.

Matthew 19

3 The Pharisees also came to Him, testing Him, and saying to Him, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason?”

4 And He answered and said to them, “Have you not read that He who made[a] them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’[b] 5 and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’?[c] 6 So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”

7 They said to Him, “Why then did Moses command to give a certificate of divorce, and to put her away?”

8 He said to them, “Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. 9 And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality,[d] and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.”

Also, it doesn't matter if he's a believer or not in terms of divorce unless he's the one who leaves her:

1Corinthians 7

10 Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. 11 But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife.

12 But to the rest I, not the Lord, say: If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. 13 And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy. 15 But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace.

Perhaps it's time to seek some Christian counseling, either professional or through their church. I did and it saved my marriage. A couple in our church was able to disciple us, and it was great. Even if she's the only one willing to go, it will still help her. There's no shame in getting help, especially from a fellow brother or sister in Christ.

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Ok, let me clarify: by walking away, I didn't mean divorce or separation, I know it's not biblical; I simply meant just walking away from the fights and not paying him much attention. It's what I would be tempted to do, but I think she needs to keep loving/sacrificing in the face of his selfishness, as gdemoss has also said. As for the counseling, she is quite private about her life and it's not something she would consider. It's been suggested before. That may be a failing on her part, but we all handle our lives differently. I will just continue to pray. After all, things do seem to be on the mend.

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ok, so i have this friend whose husband is driving her up the wall. he is so stubborn in everything and never considers her in decision or considers her feelings. he is a very detatched, emotionless person, i have seen this for myself; and doesn't respond to her, period. needlesss to say, she feels totally alone in their relationship. not a good example for their two very young children (2 yrs old & 4 months or so). they've been married for three years. the guy says he's a christian, but as far as i can tell he's just outward for show to others. my friend is at the end of herself, she feels like she can't even pray about him anymore, or even love him. she says: how can you love someone who will never ever love you back?

any thoughts/advice as well as prayer is appreciated. i really know what to say to her anymore, but my heart so goes out to her.

if she allows God to love him through her, she can do it. is it easy? no.

my husband and i just celebrated our 14th anniversary, but i gotta tell ya.... only four of those have been worth celebrating. the first two and the last two. the ten years in the middle were heartbreaking years for me. so many times i wanted to leave, sometimes i even wanted to just die. i tried getting myself committed twice, but since i hadn't actually tried to kill myself, no mental health facility would take me. i even asked my husband once if he still loved me. he told me no. but no matter how awful things were, God wouldn't release me from my marriage. i can't count the times i cried out to him, praying, begging, whatever. God kept gently telling me that i needed to get out of His way, quit interfering with His work, and let Him restore my husband and my marriage to me.

it took a very, very long time for me to get out of God's way. but it was worth it, and the last four years have been the best years i can remember. i hope your friend can get some encouragement from this.

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Posted · Report post

Wow, that's amazing. I pray God gives her the same strength He's given you.

God bless you!

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Posted (edited) · Report post

Is that boy really loves your friend when they got married? Or maybe he had motivation to your friend that he didn't got from her. Your friend really needs a strong prayers. And I have pray for them already, God is in control and let's trust in his ways.

Edited by mynameiskim31
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hi kim, I agree! As for the current situation, things are on the improve, but it will take time to see if it's love or just admission of guilt that he's showing her. She seems hopeful though. Will keep praying.

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I know I'm a little bit late on this... and I'm probably not going to be much help.. I just wanted to throw in something that crossed my mind when I read your post *Zion*... When you said "she says: how can you love someone who will never ever love you back?" .. The first thing that rushed into my thoughts was .. Jesus... He loves many many people who will never ever love Him back... How does He do it?

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This will be a matter of prayer.

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Posted (edited) · Report post

I know I'm a little bit late on this... and I'm probably not going to be much help.. I just wanted to throw in something that crossed my mind when I read your post *Zion*... When you said "she says: how can you love someone who will never ever love you back?" .. The first thing that rushed into my thoughts was .. Jesus... He loves many many people who will never ever love Him back... How does He do it?

Yep, she needs a lot of strength and a lot of grace from God. It's easier said than done. everything still seems to be improving, but I don't think they're out of the woods yet with this. Still praying.

Edited by *Zion*
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Bad news. Things were improving, and my friend really was opening herself up, but her husband let her down big time. He says that he's given her all that he has to her and has nothing else for her: no passion, desire or marital love. devastation like you wouldn't believe.

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May God have mercy on this family.

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Why did she marry him? Surely they got to know each other first?

Many people hide their "real" selves until after the marriage.

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lol, c'mon now Zion, it can't all be the hubbies fault. It takes two to tango in a relationship. Does she bicker with him, become excessively needy or overbearing. This is a reason why many men become "detached." The bible says a nagging wife is like a leaky faucet. It's better to dwell in the corner of a rooftop, than with a quarrelsome and vexatious wife. I just believe it's always best to hear both sides of the story to make it work. They'll be in my prayers.

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lol, c'mon now Zion, it can't all be the hubbies fault. It takes two to tango in a relationship. Does she bicker with him, become excessively needy or overbearing. This is a reason why many men become "detached." The bible says a nagging wife is like a leaky faucet. It's better to dwell in the corner of a rooftop, than with a quarrelsome and vexatious wife. I just believe it's always best to hear both sides of the story to make it work. They'll be in my prayers.

The bible also says to Love your wife like Jesus loves you. Attaching blame to one or the other partner from a distance is probably not the best thing I would advise.

I would probably just advise prayer for the marriage.

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lol, c'mon now Zion, it can't all be the hubbies fault. It takes two to tango in a relationship. Does she bicker with him, become excessively needy or overbearing. This is a reason why many men become "detached." The bible says a nagging wife is like a leaky faucet. It's better to dwell in the corner of a rooftop, than with a quarrelsome and vexatious wife. I just believe it's always best to hear both sides of the story to make it work. They'll be in my prayers.

The bible also says to Love your wife like Jesus loves you. Attaching blame to one or the other partner from a distance is probably not the best thing I would advise.

I would probably just advise prayer for the marriage.

And it also says in the marriage vows, For better or for WORSE..It's not attaching blame, it's trying to get to the root of the problem. Everything is not just one sided, "he is so STUBBORN in EVERYTHING(is this always the case?) and NEVER considers her in decision or considers her feelings. he is a very detatched, emotionless person." how does that sound to you? not trying to condemn either party or take sides, just saying it's a bit of an overgeneralization. How did he get this way?

We can't always change or control other people, but we can change our reactions and ourselves. Sometimes God does not want to change the other person, he's more interested in changing you. We must examine ourselves, look at the person in the mirror. He is the potter we are the clay, this marriage may be a trial or test, to see if she will be pliable to how God is working it out in her life. Sometimes Fez, God will put people across our paths that rub against us like sandpaper, but that is to get out our rough edges. The key is to work within ourselves and with God through prayer being pliable, then u see how things start to change for the better. =)

Edited by deedandtruth
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I am lost really lost my marriage is falling apart day by day I don't know what else I can do I'm mostly to be blamed for what has happened but how do I change that.My husband doesn't trust me and I keep making the same mistake over and over.I'm pulling away from god each day even though I read the bible and pray each day trying to change thing it just keeps getting worse.

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I am lost really lost my marriage is falling apart day by day I don't know what else I can do I'm mostly to be blamed for what has happened but how do I change that.My husband doesn't trust me and I keep making the same mistake over and over.I'm pulling away from god each day even though I read the bible and pray each day trying to change thing it just keeps getting worse.

Why do you keep making the" same mistake over and over"? What is stopping you from changing that?

Is it something we can pray for you about?

God Bless.

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Sorry I'm so late to the party I was the guy in the relationship that is often described here. For 11 years I treated my wife as my property, as someone who should be doting on me. After she told me that she was a pagan (we were married in a Christian church) and didn't believe my "god" existed, it threw me. I resolved to "show her she was wrong" and I began to really study the Bible so I could show her where she was wrong. In the process, I actually became a Christian, as opposed to a charlatan. Ephesians 4:30 was the verse that changed me. After realizing that I could grieve the Holy Spirit, and then I read that I would have to answer to God for the way I treated His daughter, That was the beginning. After that, staying in the Word, learning what God expected from a husband, and learning what it means to honor your wife was the next step. Finally we went to "A Weekend To Remember" and that was the difference. We spent the weekend learning what spouses are supposed to look like/act/feel and not the twisted ways we were taught by the world. We now are going on 19 years, and have had 8 years of good years. Let the LORD do His work, pray unceasingly for your friends/self in regards to the relationship, and submit to the LORD. That's the only way to have Him heal the marriage. I hope this helped, and feel free to contact me if there are any questions I can answer for you.

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I can relate to your friend and how she must be feeling.I've gone through all of that but what makes it harder is that we a a racial married couple and his cultral background is way different from mine,even though we have gotten through a lot together the passed abuse still seems to affect me emotionally.I turned to doing the wrong thing due to the fact that I felt so alone and unloved I'm ashamed of myself ontop of it all.guess I'm still hurting and pushing it towards it all

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