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'red flags' in conversation with uncle

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19 replies to this topic

#1
kjn

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Hello,
It would be nice to get responses from guys as well, because I have already asked a few ladies.
My married uncle said to me something like, "How do you think the last few years would have been different if you'd had a boyfriend like me?"
What are your reactions/opinions about that statement?
Thanks to all.

#2
BFP

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I think sometimes people say things in the moment that really aren't intended to be taken the way they are. I also think that men at times have weak moments and perhaps something was meant by it...but I also think that as a woman we have to learn to just pass it off and not be offended by it, nor should we give them any reason to believe that we would ever allow anything to happen that goes over certain boundries.
I would be cautious, if I were you, that you keep your boundries clear with him, but at the same time just let what he said "go over your head" so to speak

#3
Sevenseas

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Best ignored. Some rejoinders, if silence is not golden, might be...... "A complete disaster" or "Let's ask your wife" or "Yuh know, I never gave thought to that"

As BFP said, women just have to learn to pass off some things .... there is absolutely no room for serious thought to that question

#4
other one

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I would ignore it and if he should ask again I'd tell him that I'd have gone out in the back yard and cut my wrists years ago if that had been the case, then as if you'd thought about it a bit and add....... or yours.

#5
kjn

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Thanks for your replies. I appreciate people's "gut reactions," (or wherever the reactions came from), because I wasn't completely sure what to think about my own reactions.
Additional question: what do you see that the Bible has to say about what my response should be? And anyone who's dealt with this type of thing have any wisdom in how to best honor Jesus, my Gentle Caregiver (Shepherd) in this circumstance?

#6
He giveth more grace

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Benefit of the doubt, maybe he meant pardner, chum, buddy.

#7
SavedByGrace1981

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Hello,
It would be nice to get responses from guys as well, because I have already asked a few ladies.
My married uncle said to me something like, "How do you think the last few years would have been different if you'd had a boyfriend like me?"
What are your reactions/opinions about that statement?
Thanks to all.

Hmmm . . . this is the kind of question that begs for more background information. At first glance, it COULD be innocent (I'll work on that presumtion and present my thoughts on that basis). I'll also assume you are an adult, not a minor.

Note that your uncle said "a boyfriend LIKE me." So that begs the question - would you consider your uncle a nice person? Caring? Giving? Most imporantly - does he claim to be a Christian?

Then - (putting aside for a moment the self-promoting tone) he could have just been implying that you would have benefitted by having a boyfriend who shared those qualities.

This isn't the same thing of course, but a couple of years ago my (now) twenty-something daughter said something to me to the effect "I wish I could meet someone like you, Dad." Now - at the time she had gone through a bad seperation and eventual divorce.

Because she had grown up in a Christian home - witnessing her mom and I living out a Christian marriage - I took what she said as a compliment. Now - turn the tables: what if I had said to her something like " you need to find a guy something like . . . me"

Would that have been inappropriate? I don't think so - given the context and the nature of our relationship.

So, to answer your question - it, too depends on the nature of your relationship with your uncle. If your relationship is on the "up and up" in all other areas, I would just brush it aside as a perhaps cumbersome comment and leave it at that.

Blessings!
-Ed

#8
Leonard

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Just say: "You mean old, grey, wrinkled, bald, and toothless?' Or, if appropriate you could add, 'lazy, shiftless, smelly and drunk' to the mix.

He sounds creepy!

#9
He giveth more grace

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Ask him what did he mean by that.

#10
sheya joie

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I guess I must be off the wall. On first reading, I took the 'like me' to mean 'like I do.' So I was really creeped out!

After reading through the responses so far, I can see where the remark might have been innocent. On the other hand, if your instincts or whatever are telling you there's something definitely not right there, my concern is whether there are any youngsters who need to be protected from him?

#11
joi

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I suggest you not being alone with him, until you are sure what he meant.
Better safe than sorry.

#12
Fez

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Hello,
It would be nice to get responses from guys as well, because I have already asked a few ladies.
My married uncle said to me something like, "How do you think the last few years would have been different if you'd had a boyfriend like me?"
What are your reactions/opinions about that statement?
Thanks to all.

How do you think the last few years would have been different


What happened in the last few years that prompted him to ask. And what was the context of the conversation.

Much like quoting scripture, it helps to know the full chapter's intent, if not the entire book.

#13
MorningGlory

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My response would be determined by knowing your age and sex.

If your a minor, then I would tell another adult. There is no reason a right thinking Uncle would say that to a minor. (Boy or Girl)

Not a minor:
If your a guy, I would have busted him in his head. Repented later.

If a girl, then best to ignore him and keep your distance. Those words came out of his heart for a reason, and does not sound like any of them very good reasons.

Jesus Is Lord.


I'm going to agree with you on this, B.M. We don't know if the poster is male or female, minor or adult. I would avoid this uncle regardless.

#14
the_patriot2014

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maybe it was a ill thought out joke. Men especially, have a habit of putting their own feet in their mouth. Has he ever said anything like this before, or acted in a way that raised red flags? If so, then keep your distance from him. If not, then just ignore the comment, but if he makes another, then start distancing oneself.

#15
kjn

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Thanks again for everyone's responses. The context is important, and it's a good reminder to me to be turning first and most often to God who truly knows each of our hearts, and Who knows and sees all. It's interesting to me that most responses contained some kind of caution.

Here is more info:
I am a female & not a minor.
For about 10 years I was keeping my distance from God, after previously having been in a relationship with God, relating to Him as my Savior & Father.
In July 2010 - reconnection with God.
In Aug 2010 I saw my uncle who lives out of state. I later mentioned that I had been looking for a counselor and shared some of my concerns about finding biblically based counseling. He offered to counsel me over the phone and by recording cassette tapes. There were several exchanges. He has leadership positions in his church. People in my family, including his wife, knew about the counseling.
So the "boyfriend" comment was made during one of those phone conversations about those past 10 years. And I had not in any of those conversations talked about my own romantic relationships.
I had other red flag moments about his words, but that comment was the only one that seems most "factual" in just the comment itself. Other comments were more "fuzzy."
In Jan 2011, there was one of those "fuzzy" statements, but a red flag gut feeling. I asked 2 different women for advice. And followed the advice to not have any more one-to-one male with female counseling. And followed the advice to be respectful and to say that any further interaction needed to include another person.

There is more, but I will write it when I am not struggling to stay awake.
I appreciate any and all prayers to God for wisdom for my next step in this situation.

#16
chloe_fantastic

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My red flag would've went up when he offered to counsel me. He should've steered you toward another female, but being related to him, I can understand assuming it was innocent.

I wouldn't be alone with him again, either on the phone, or definately not in person. I'd love to say that it's possible it could've been innocent, but having been in almost the exact same situation before, my red flags are going off just reading the above.

#17
Sevenseas

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kjn? I took the context to be your comment regarding red flags right from the start

Do you have any idea how many people in leadership positions abuse that privlege?

BTW, alot of people counsel with no training whatsoever. You should seek out someone with Biblically based training and either a female
or, Pastor, with female present.

Then, it is above board.

I think you actually get that so now I am wondering why you keep sifting through this? But you prob have that answer...don't play with this

#18
Mcgyver

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Thanks again for everyone's responses. The context is important, and it's a good reminder to me to be turning first and most often to God who truly knows each of our hearts, and Who knows and sees all. It's interesting to me that most responses contained some kind of caution.

Here is more info:
I am a female & not a minor.
For about 10 years I was keeping my distance from God, after previously having been in a relationship with God, relating to Him as my Savior & Father.
In July 2010 - reconnection with God.
In Aug 2010 I saw my uncle who lives out of state. I later mentioned that I had been looking for a counselor and shared some of my concerns about finding biblically based counseling. He offered to counsel me over the phone and by recording cassette tapes. There were several exchanges. He has leadership positions in his church. People in my family, including his wife, knew about the counseling.
So the "boyfriend" comment was made during one of those phone conversations about those past 10 years. And I had not in any of those conversations talked about my own romantic relationships.
I had other red flag moments about his words, but that comment was the only one that seems most "factual" in just the comment itself. Other comments were more "fuzzy."
In Jan 2011, there was one of those "fuzzy" statements, but a red flag gut feeling. I asked 2 different women for advice. And followed the advice to not have any more one-to-one male with female counseling. And followed the advice to be respectful and to say that any further interaction needed to include another person.

There is more, but I will write it when I am not struggling to stay awake.
I appreciate any and all prayers to God for wisdom for my next step in this situation.


Something that I have found out over the course of many years of ministry is (as a rule of thumb) that IMO males should counsel males, and females should counsel females. Even prayer partners should I think be of the same sex.

Part of counseling involves a certain intimacy...a certain amount of "opening up"...a certain amount of vulnerability...a certain amount of trust...and it is very easy for a member of the opposite sex to develop feelings and attitudes that are not appropriate.

Even among trained professionals this is recognized as a hazard of the job.

The fact that you have red flags going up tells me that something isn't quite right...and I agree with the others that you need to distance yourself a bit.

#19
kjn

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I have not had any contact with him since Jan 2011. At that time, I was told the exact same thing that there should not be male with female one-to-one counseling. I followed the advice to be respectful according to 1 Tim. 5, but at the time I also came across Eph 5:3-11, and was struck by "take no part in the unfruiful works of darkness, but instead expose them." I did not do that and I did not follow Matt. 18:15-17. God knows what I was responsible for at the time and I accept that judgment. And it was a lesson in relying first and foremost on God's Word and His Spirit. But now I believe that it is time to communicate to him following those biblical ways.
Again, thanks for the biblical counsel from those who posted.

#20
kjn

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My red flag would've went up when he offered to counsel me. He should've steered you toward another female, but being related to him, I can understand assuming it was innocent.

I wouldn't be alone with him again, either on the phone, or definately not in person. I'd love to say that it's possible it could've been innocent, but having been in almost the exact same situation before, my red flags are going off just reading the above.


Thanks for posting. Any biblical advice from your experience, for me in next steps according to biblical guidelines? If you have a response, could you send me an e-mail through this website?




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