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What Little Kids Wish Daddies Knew

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#1
Dak

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This thread is dedicated to those of us who are wishing they have (had) better fathers.

In the hope that we ourselves would be much better parents with our own (future) families....

Everyone is invited to contribute. Kids of all ages. Boys and girls alike. Let's build up the Family, shall we?

There are two simple rules.

First, this is a serious thread.... But we can have laughter every now and then :)

And second, excepting comments on other people's post, each person is allowed only one post per day.... I'm thinking that we have so much to say on this (very personal) matter, so let's not rush this thread, okay?

I will begin:

I wish that my father had made the effort to know who I really am... and to let me know also who he really is as a person. Now that I'm an adult, we are like two strangers bonded only by blood and family responsibilities. He doesn't know this person who is posting here in Worthy, writing these very words, and except for his self-righteous pride, eternal complaining, shameful dependency on the rest of the family, and occasional show of love and support, I also don't know him.

~

#2
GoldenEagle

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From the original thread... here.

My additions in green.

 

1. for both - How you love me is how I will love myself.

2. for both - Ask how I am feeling and listen to my answer, I need to know you value me before I can understand my true value.

3. for both - I learn how I should be treated by how you treat my mom, {whe}ther you are married to her or not.

4. for both - If you are angry with me, I feel it even if I don’t understand it, so talk to me.

5. for both - Every time you show grace to me or someone else, I learn to trust God a little more.

6. for both - I need to experience your nurturing physical strength, {for girls - so I learn to trust the physicality of men; for boys - so I learn what it means to be a man}

7. for girls - Please don’t talk about sex like a teenage boy, or I'll think it’s something dirty; for boys - Please be respectful when you talk about sex and women, how you view them will shape how I view them; for both - Help me understand it's a beautiful, natural, godly act of love to be encourage within marriage.

8. for both - When your tone is gentle, I understand what you are saying much better.

9. for girls - How you talk about female bodies when you’re ‘just joking’ is what I believe about my own; for boys - How you talk about female bodies and the jokes you make will shape how I view them and treat them

10. for both - How you handle my heart, is how I will allow it to be handled by others.

11. for both - If you encourage me to find what brings joy, I will always seek it. Point me to God through Jesus Christ helping me see only in Him can I find true satisfying joy.

12. for both - If you teach me what safe feels like when I’m with you, I will know better how to guard myself from men (and women) who are not.

13. for both - Teach me a love of art, science, and nature, and I will learn that intellect matters more than for girls - dress size; for boys - how strong, tall, or big I am.

14. for both - Let me say exactly what I want even if it’s wrong or silly, because I need to know having a strong voice is acceptable to you. When I'm wrong show me love and help me see the truth in the Bible.

15. for girls - When I get older, if you seem afraid of my changing body, I will believe something is wrong with it. for boys - When I get older talk to me about my changing body, what are godly ways of treating a woman, and help me be accountable for my thought life.

16. for both - If you understand contentment for yourself, so will I.

17. for both - When I ask you to let go, please remain available, I will always come back and need you if you do. Remember I need you and love you even if I don't agree with you.

18. for both - If you demonstrate tenderness, I learn to embrace my own vulnerability rather than fear it. It is okay to cry and laugh in front of me. And please kiss my mom in front of me it helps me remember how much you love her.

19. for girls - When you let me help fix the car and paint the house, I will believe I can do anything a boy can do. for boys - When you show me how to fix the car, paint the house, work with tools, hunt, or fish it will help me see if I enjoy this. In any case we would be spending time together which I need from you.

20. for girls - When you protect my femininity, I learn everything about me is worthy of protecting. for boys - When you protect my Mom, sisters, cousins, etc. feminity I learn that everything about them is worth protecting.

21. for both - How you treat our dog when you think I’m not watching tells me more about you than does just about anything else.

22. for both - Don’t let money be everything, or I learn not to respect it or you.

23. for both - Hug, hold, and kiss me in all the ways a daddy does that are right and good and pure. I need it so much to understand healthy touch.

24. for both - Please don’t lie, because I believe what you say.

25. for both - Don’t avoid hard conversations, because it makes me believe I’m not worth fighting for.
 

BluePanda's comments...

 

26. for both - Don't let work, personal hobbies, entertainment, or interests take priority over your time with family.

27. for both - Let me see you pray, read your Bible, and lead our family in worshipping God. It will make me desire those things for myself.

28. for both - Be willing to admit when you are wrong and don't be too tough to show emotion or tears.

29. for both - Don't always try to fix me or my problems. Don't just try to give quick answers. Sometimes all I need is a listening ear and a hug of understanding.

30. for both - Give me the freedom to make my own choices as I grow older. Even if you may not agree with them. Please continue to counsel me and Trust God's Holy Spirit to guide me.



#3
Dak

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I wish that my father had taught me how to interact well with people.

By nature, I'm an introvert, a deep thinker, and a deep feeler. And since childhood I had also been set apart from other kids because of my intelligence. It sure would have been nice therefore if I had a father who had seen to it that I grew up to be a balanced person, despite my gifts, then I wouldn't have had a hard time fitting in socially while I was in high school and college.

~

#4
other one

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My wife was a kindergarten teacher for over 20 years.....  from what I heard from her and her fellow teachers for the whole time she was an active teacher was that the most lacking need the kids had was to have a dad that loved them and made them know it.

 

Those kids that had parents that obviously loved them seemed to have all these other things that have been listed and they did well even with disabilities.....   but the kids without loving parents had problems no matter how their other skills were....    and a few really good kids were in situations that would just rip your heart out emotionally  There were a few that you just wanted to bring home with you to protect them......  

 

So I would say that what Kids wished their dads knew would be how to love....   and then go Nike and "just do it"



#5
WillfromTexas

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I think Dak was kind of looking for more personal stories about our own fathers?  The title might be better What you wish your Father knew?  That's the route I'm going to go with my post.

 

Dak your father sounds a lot like mine.  Despite your best efforts he never took the time to get close to you.  You have an opprotunity though if your father is still alive and not out of his mind like mine.  Of course I know where you are coming from and understand it isn't that easy.

 

Like you I wanted to attend college and was interested in science, technology, and everything my father wasn't.  He'd tell me that I could get a job digging ditches and that seemed to be his highest aspiration for me.  When he had to keep me while my mom worked he'd lock me in my room and make me stay in bed all day.  Would never let me go outside.  I dreaded him and lived in fear enduring mercilous beatings after beating after beating.  My mother and him fought like animals and my house was only filled with hate.

 

Once my mother and I had went to the garden nursery and bought all kinds of flower bulbs to plant in front of our house.  I spent every day working on my little garden and was so proud of my work.  All my flowers were about to bloom.  Then my father wanted me to go with him to an auto store or something and I didn't want to go.  I walked out to work on my garden and he'd pulled up all my flowers and layed them out on the sidewalk and destroyed my garden.  Needless to say it hurt me deeply and set the tone for the rest of our lives.  He killed my love and any feelings I had for him at that point.

 

I remember being 4 years old and my father's birthday was Dec 26th the day after Christmas.  My mom just wanted to joke around and told me to go tell my dad 'Happy Birthday Old Man!' He was laying in front of the stereo in his wife beater shirt and underwear listening to music.  So I walk in there and say 'Happy Birthday Old Man!'  He blew up 'YOU SON OF A ...' Then slapped me to the ground with all his might.

 

All this time he's claiming to be a Christian.  Later on in life around age 11-13 he started dragging me to an ultra-pentecostal church but he never changed.  He never knew the Christ I know and played to the sadistic hellfire and brimstone God that is a religion based on fear.  They never preached about a loving God only one that was only more than happy to send you to eternal damnation if you didn't follow all these imaginary rules.

 

I'm leaving out a lot but i'll try and stay on subject.  By 17 I had completely rebelled against my father, God, and everything else.  Still in High School I was spending 3-4 nights a week going to and working at clubs.  Now they'd be called Raves where the drugs and women were easy to get.  I remember working the club and it being 2-3 AM and seeing my father roaming around downtown looking for me.  I'd just step back inside the club so he'd never find me.

 

After that I'd kind of settled down with a girl and we lived like a married couple.  She was good for me though and I had stopped doing drugs and made it to college.  During this time my father and I were probably the closest and that wasn't all that close but I was too big to beat anymore.

 

After much loss- loss of my fiancee I turned to the world for comfort and put God completely out of my life.  This went on for a few years until my health gave out from staying up months at a time.  After I had lost everything I finally turned back to God and got saved for real.  I sat around waiting to die for years but the Lord kept me here.

 

Maybe it was to reconcile with my father.  He had colon cancer and almost died himself, 15 years ago, and that was a real turning point.  We prayed for him and God truly healed him and he's still alive today at 87 soon to be 88 on Dec 26th.  During this time I did my best to try and forgive and I did.  As Christians we MUST forgive even if it is the hardest thing we ever do.  But he still never had it in himself to try and really get to know me.  I guess there are some people that just don't have it in them.

 

4 years ago my father lost his mind- literally.  He almost killed us all having hallucinations and owning well over 100 guns.  It was a very scary time and my entire family was at their wits end.  We found out that he had lesions on his brain and spinalcord and finally got him settled down after a year.  Looking back I now can see how he probably had a mental illness for his entire life and it all came out in his old age.

 

Now he is an invalid and guess who is his caretaker?  Yep me.  Out of his 6 children I'm the only one that made the sacrifice and I am in bad health myself.  Between my 82 year old mother and me we manage to keep him out of a nursing home.

 

I'm not sure why I got into all this but I did.  Maybe there is somebody out there that will treat their son with more dignity.  Remember the child you abuse today may end up being your caretaker- just hope he became a Christian.  If you are a Christian never use God as your scapegoat and expect the Church to reform them.  Nothing can replace a real father.  If you claim to be a Christian then live like one and show your family the love Jesus shown us all.

 

Try and find a common interest with your son even if you aren't really interested.



#6
Dak

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Hi Will. Thank you for your story. It made me remember that many people are in situations much worse than I am in, and it made me thankful of my blessings. Actually, I've already known this for a long time, that compared to many, I have better parents. However, I can't just help wishing for better things, you know, especially as a Christian, now that I understand what the ideal family should be....

And yes, my hope is that my parents would get saved someday, and become real Christians (and not just in papers)....

About your question, I'm not exactly looking for personal stories about our own fathers -- you and I are both going this way because we have personal stories about this matter that we want to share; but others don't.

I have invited everyone to contribute, and they can write their contributions, either personal or not, in whatever way they like.... :)

I am especially inviting those who have (had) good fathers in their lives. Please, will you tell us what's it really like? That is, to have a good father?

And never mind the title; I just patterned it from the original thread. As long as it's something that we can all learn from as to the dos and don'ts of being a father, then it's welcome here :)

~

#7
GoldenEagle

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I am especially inviting those who have (had) good fathers in their lives. Please, will you tell us what's it really like? That is, to have a good father?


Question: what is the measurement of a "good" father?

I learned how to treat women from how my Father treated my Mom. He would bring her flowers, plan special outings for them, kiss her in front of the rest of us kids, respect her opinion even if he didn't agree with it, consider her feelings, make decisions together with her as a team {as opposed to a dictator}.

My father never disciplined us kids out of anger. He would always also explain why we were getting a spanking, time out, or removal of a privilege. Every time he spanked us he'd first tell us he loved us. He'd tell us the same thing again after he spanked us. Sometimes I think it hurt him more to spank than it did us.

When we talked about sexual relations my father presented the whole concept as something that was good, positive, and wonderful within the context of marriage.

My father loved spending time with us kids. Even when he worked two or three jobs and was a full-time student he still spent time with us. He showed me how to throw a ball, taught me how to ride a bike, lead our family in weekly family worship (sometimes 2-3 times a week), prayed with my mom every night, and had his quiet times at night (which often got interrupted as we kids wanted to talk).

Those are my initial thoughts of my father. :thumbsup:



#8
alphaparticle

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My mom and dad didn't really take on traditional roles. I couldn't say one is the leader. They are both highly regarded professionals. I never got the sense growing up that women ought to do this, or men ought to do that. Maybe that's good, maybe that's bad, but it's how it was and still is.Their relationship seems to thrive on mutual respect and an understanding between them that has been built up over their decades together.



#9
Dak

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Question: what is the measurement of a "good" father?


For the purposes of this thread, the measurement of a "good" father is a subjective one :)

We can all decide later for ourselves, and in private, which points are to follow or to disregard.

Thanks GE. Wonderful story. It makes me glad to know that there are still good and godly fathers out there. In the midst of all these attacks on and destruction of the Family all around us, it gives me hope.

~

#10
Dak

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I think if my dad resembled anything on that list, I wouldn't be who I am today.


Yes man, this is the other side of the coin. And remembering this has always soothed my anger toward my situation.

Wouldn't be here today seeking to be the best father I can be (when God finally gives me the chance) if not for the lousy fathering I've received.


ESV > Romans:

8:28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

~

#11
Dak

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My mom and dad didn't really take on traditional roles. I couldn't say one is the leader. They are both highly regarded professionals. I never got the sense growing up that women ought to do this, or men ought to do that. Maybe that's good, maybe that's bad, but it's how it was and still is.Their relationship seems to thrive on mutual respect and an understanding between them that has been built up over their decades together.


Many people, I think, would prefer this over the family situation they have with their "Christian" parents.
~

#12
bopeep1909

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I think if my dad resembled anything on that list, I wouldn't be who I am today.


Yes man, this is the other side of the coin. And remembering this has always soothed my anger toward my situation.

Wouldn't be here today seeking to be the best father I can be (when God finally gives me the chance) if not for the lousy fathering I've received.

 

 

 

Don't judge your dad too harshly. He taught you many things, you just don't recognize it yet. 

 

Some people aren't parent material. That doesn't make them bad. 

 

I had the privilege of listening to my dads confession in the days before his death. It was just me and him. He told me of all the regrets he had concerning us kids. (I'm the oldest of 5) He knew he was a lousy dad and that weighed heavily on him for decades. He blamed himself for many of the things that didn't work out in the lives of his children. He also expressed pride and admiration for the things we did accomplish. He couldn't stop telling me how sorry he was....

 

 

Parents are people too. If I could go back and do it all over again...............I would. 

 

That is really nice that a child can hear that and that a parent can pour out his heart like that before they die.



#13
alphaparticle

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My mom and dad didn't really take on traditional roles. I couldn't say one is the leader. They are both highly regarded professionals. I never got the sense growing up that women ought to do this, or men ought to do that. Maybe that's good, maybe that's bad, but it's how it was and still is.Their relationship seems to thrive on mutual respect and an understanding between them that has been built up over their decades together.


Many people, I think, would prefer this over the family situation they have with their "Christian" parents.
~

 

I've judged my parents harshly at times but one thing I've come to realize the past couple of years in particular is how fortunate I have been. They have their weaknesses and issues, but how can I really fault them for caring about us? For example, my parents are secular types, and when I converted to Christianity I was worried I'd get flak for it. I never did from them. They decided if it made me happy and helped me then from their point of view they couldn't fault that. And really, how many people can say that they've been married for over 30 years and have a good relationship with their children? They've managed that so they must be doing something right.



#14
Willamina

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My dad had some Christian training but when he hit college he renouced it in favor of philosophy. But he retained Christian values and was a giving caring man all his life. He testafied to seeing God in nature. He believed Jesus was a good man and that all roads lead to heaven.
Dad loved to debate for the sake of debating. He would also pick my brain for my opinions. He demonstrated Godly love for me even though he was not a Christian. I trusted him and looked up to him and my mom. It was supposed to be a modern democratic family and we voted on things like vactions. However, dad always had the last word.

Then he was taken seriously ill and was in the hospital for months. It was devastating to see him so frail. I never heard him sing or whistle around the house again. He was in constant pain, but he eventually was able to walk with a cane and return to work part time. The hardest thing was how much his personality changed. He became stern and overly restrictive when I should have been allowed more autonomy, and he did not allow me to participate in normal activities for a high school senior. I now realize how hard it is to let go of teen agers that we truly enjoy.
My mom worked late hours to try to make up for lost income, so our relationship suffered as a result--not bad, just more distant. She and my grandma were Christians but in those days it was a private matter. Grandma had mentioned how much she loved the psalms and I had to be quiet while she read. My mom taught Sunday School and they were active in church, but she rarely mentioned Jesus and never said what being a Christian meant to her. Occasionally she mentioned having had a "mountain top experience" once when she went to church camp, but I had no idea what that meant. So I never felt free to share with them either. The only religious guidance she gave me when I told her I had learned that salvation was by faith alone in Lutheran confirmation was that "you still have to be good". To me that meant that I still had to be good enough to go to heaven. So I was back in bondage again.

I wish that she had felt freer to share her faith with me. I wish that she had time to study the Bible with me. All I had learned in Sunday school were simple Bible stories. When I was older the Bible was never studied in Sunday School or church. I could not understand the sermons which my mom said were very logical. It was not edifying till I was a senior when I heard the youth pastor preach the way of salvation for the first time. I had received Christ 4 years earlier so it was too little too late. When I was 18 she allowed me to leave that church and join the Lutheran church.

10 years later my mom died of an unexpected heart attack and his life became even more difficult. Our life consisted of traveling several hours each week end to help care for him so that he could live at home, and that with our very active 3 year old and a new born. We later took him on vacations with us but we would leave him at a motel while we camped. My husband received Christ in 1974 Dad received Christ 3 years later after I gave him a book by Frances Schaefer. He died a year after that.

#15
Dak

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Don't judge your dad too harshly. He taught you many things, you just don't recognize it yet.


I'm not judging my father harshly, man. If I am, then I'll be using a much stronger word than "lousy." I'm just stating the facts. And yes, he has indeed taught me a lot, and that's mostly on how not to be like him.

It's really a big regret in my life, that I have a weak man for a father.

~

#16
Dak

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My mom and dad didn't really take on traditional roles. I couldn't say one is the leader. They are both highly regarded professionals. I never got the sense growing up that women ought to do this, or men ought to do that. Maybe that's good, maybe that's bad, but it's how it was and still is.Their relationship seems to thrive on mutual respect and an understanding between them that has been built up over their decades together.

Many people, I think, would prefer this over the family situation they have with their "Christian" parents.
~
I've judged my parents harshly at times but one thing I've come to realize the past couple of years in particular is how fortunate I have been. They have their weaknesses and issues, but how can I really fault them for caring about us? For example, my parents are secular types, and when I converted to Christianity I was worried I'd get flak for it. I never did from them. They decided if it made me happy and helped me then from their point of view they couldn't fault that. And really, how many people can say that they've been married for over 30 years and have a good relationship with their children? They've managed that so they must be doing something right.

They have been doing the best they can, and that's worthy of any commendation :)
~

#17
Dak

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Don't judge your dad too harshly. He taught you many things, you just don't recognize it yet.

I'm not judging my father harshly, man. If I am, then I'll be using a much stronger word than "lousy." I'm just stating the facts. And yes, he has indeed taught me a lot, and that's mostly on how not to be like him.

It's really a big regret in my life, that I have a weak man for a father.

~

I just want to clarify something. I recognize that my father has done some good things in my life; there's no question about this. And I do love him, despite his faults, and I'm trying my best to control my anger whenever I come face to face with his failings.

However, this is a "wish thread", where we are talking about the things that could have been or should have been, and things that should be, and so, inevitably, I'll be talking about the negative aspects of his fathering....

Actually, I'm finding this very helpful, to finally talk about these things. As some of you may know, I have some anger issues, and a big part of my anger has its roots in this -- the kind of fathering I received. So please bear with me, brothers and sisters, if I seem to be unloading a lot of "bad stuffs." I need to unload them first, right, before I can fill their occupied places with the love of Christ?

~

#18
Dak

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To Willamina:

Thank you for your story.

It's really hard to talk about the regrets we have about our parents, isn't it? The only consolation that we have is that we learn from their mistakes, and then do things better.

But I thank God because, no matter how big the holes in our lives are, he is able to fill them with himself and his blessings, and so we are nevertheless satisfied.

~

#19
Dak

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I wish that my father had been understanding and supportive of me when I had given my life to Jesus and started seeking his will, and understanding and supportive also during the long and difficult years that followed -- years of discovery and preparation for service.

His continual accussations of the "crimes" I committed, and his insistence that my life is worthless -- more than anything else -- were what had driven us so far apart and had erected this thick wall between us.

~

#20
other one

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I wish that my father had been understanding and supportive of me when I had given my life to Jesus and started seeking his will, and understanding and supportive also during the long and difficult years that followed -- years of discovery and preparation for service.

His continual accussations of the "crimes" I committed, and his insistence that my life is worthless -- more than anything else -- were what had driven us so far apart and had erected this thick wall between us.

~

My biological father died about half way through my mothers pregnancy so I didn't have a living father until I was just over 5 years old....   If mom had taken me all over the world and let me pick out a dad, it would have been the man she married....   Dak I'm really sorry for you for I had everything you missed out of a dad...   maybe it will give you a bit more appreciation of God knowing he's your dad spiritually.    Not having a dad at all probably made mom's choice of a partner more important to me growing up....   it's hard to know.

I do wish you and everyone could experience having two people following Jesus as parents.






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