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heart broken

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9 replies to this topic

#1
gordonie

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It wont let me post anywhere but here so ill just say it here I guess....At age 13 I developed a crush on this girl, first one ever, and I persued her. we both played in the same homeschool CHRISTIAN sports program so we saw eachother all the time. Both our families are good very strong Christian families. she was good friends with my sister to. we did EVERYTHING together, we had the same interests, we got along great in social environments, it was a match made in heaven. We were both sports jocks, I played football basketball baseball and she played basketball. She never had a bf either, and she made it quite obvious she never would have one haha she was suuuper hard to get, she wasn't interested in boys. well I kept on it anyway, I flirted and did everything I could to get her to like me for TWO YEARS... finally at age 15 she agreed to be my girlfriend. We got along great, played sports together, went hunting fishing, (we were really outdoorsies) and it was a dream. she even lives down the street from me. We never fought, and after two years we were already convinced we were gonna get married eventually and nothing could change that. We shared our first holding of hands, first kiss etc, we never had sex though we wanted to save it for marriage like the bible says. first 4 years of our relationship were awesome, we were both so committed, we would brag to eachother all the time about how strong we were and that we would never leave, it was gonna be a fairytale. Our saying was, "Always and forever". I knew in my heart in mind she was the one and I never gave it second thought, we grew up together and it was always her simple as that. well, last year we both went to college, stress set in and we began arguing about things. I got complacent in our relationship and I became selfish, lazy and controlling. we had little spats, nothing serious, nothing that made me think we were having problems that would tear us apart. She never impressed upon me that she was becoming very unhappy with me. until last week of 2013 was the first time she told me, "I am having doubts and I have been having them all year" I was shocked at this and it scared me. I instantly made adjustments in myself, I started getting in shape again, I started buying her flowers and I took her to a play. even then she still seemed excited about us getting married. However I still hadn't let go of being clingy, possive and controlling. well a week later she canceled our date to hang out with a new girlfriend of hers. needless to say I became VERY jealous and when she got back we had our first two, what I would say, BAD arguments. We both said some very regrettable things that I wont mention. well the next day she comes to me saying, "Im sorry for this, this is my mistake but I need to move on. I love you but we have nothing in common and your not the strong spiritual leader I need". Well I was crushed, I cried so long in front of her and she never showed an ounce of emotion, although I could tell she was holding back. She is a very strong willed person, I still thinks she loves me but I think she got scared that I would never get out of my slump and that I wouldn't make her happy ever again. So she left and hasn't talked to me in 3 weeks. all I have done is send her a simple letter of apology... I full well intend to wait for her, she is the love of my life and I will gladly wait with love for her for years to come. I hope she comes around. I simply don't understand, a 7 year friendship, 5 year relationship 4 of which were a DREAM...on a scale of 1, being perfect, and 10, being an abuser. I feel like what I did was a 3-4... I was just lazy and I got a little controlling. I always let her voice her opinion, I NEVER even raised my voice at her once or hit her, never cheated I am sooo faithful... I was just clingy and possessive and she said she felt TRAPPED... I mean I am nice and cordial, I am very successful in school (studying physics) ...how does this merit leaving so abruptly and blindsiding me like this when 4 days earlier we were talking about marriage??? She is not the type to be looking at other guys at all, I honestly think she is a fearful person, she doesn't open up about her feelings to her parents even, and she feels I will never make her happy like I once did. I don't understand and Im depressed. She was everything to me and I thought I was everything to her, we were perfect together and we did have LITERALLY EVERYTHING in common, but I got lazy and made some mistakes like all young 20 year old immature guys do sometimes, I was just stressing her out. Now I may never speak to her again. Why wont she give me the respect and at least talk to me about it or see counseling? Her name is Elise

#2
Rustyangel

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I"m speaking from 25 years of a wonderful marriage.  My Steve  went home to be with the Lord in March of 08.  It has been a rough 6 years but I am so grateful that I had him for as long as I did.

 

Marriage takes work.  It takes 100% from each person.  To me this sounds like maybe God has something else for both of you.  Being possessive and jealous and controlling are some of the worst things for a marriage.  It sounds to me as if she knows that.

 

You need to let go and let God lead you in this.  It sounds as if this relationship is already in trouble.  Don't push her, that once again controlling and as from someone who had a good 25 years with a man this sounds like a train wreck waiting to happen.  You sound desperate and that is not good, that is a sign of controlling.  It sounds to me like you need to get the counseling before even trying to attempt another relationship.  

 

I'm not trying to sound like this is all your fault, it takes two to make this work.  But don't give up on the fact that God may have something so much better for both of you.  Let God and let Him work.



#3
Littlelambseativy

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Welcome to Worthy!

The old expression "Let go and let God" fits in here. Perhaps you need to do as Rusty says, back away move on with your life. Young ladies mature faster than young men and it seems as though she has seen that in you and needs time away even if it is finding someone else - for life. You want - but is it what God has planned for your future and hers? You are going to a Christian school and should be aware that God has a plan for each of us if we are His and He knows the future you do not. Leave her alone. If she is meant to be yours nothing and no one can change that - if not - nothing you can do will change that either. Let go of her and let God guide your life and hers. If you love her do what she wants, put her first and follow her wishes stop thinking of yourself and your wants. Surrender your wants and wishes to God and see how He works things out without your help. 



#4
Willamina

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Like Rusty, I have been married a long time. 50 years. She told you why she broke off. You are not the man of God, the spiritual leader she wants. Perhaps you have made her your god and have saught her with all your heart instead of seeking God with all your heart, soul, your strength and your mind. If God is not the center of a relationship it will fail. That means your life must revolve around God, and not her.

Release her to God. Maybe, if is His will that you be married, He will give you the desire of of your heart. But You must seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness. You must be willing to let her go and trust God to bring the right person for you. But most importantly you must completely surrender to God and allow Him to make you into the Christ like person He intends you to be.

I am thinking of Abraham whom God promised a son through whom a descendant would come and bless all the nations of the world. Yet when that son, Isaac, was about your age God told Abe to go to a mountain and take his son, and offer him as a human sacrifice! Abe loved and trusted God so much that he set out to obey God. He trusted that even if his son were to die that God could bring him back to life and fulfill His promise. He trusted that perhaps God might at the last minute provide another sacrifice. Not knowing just how God might solve the problem, he and his son Isaac, carrying a load of wood for the fire, climbed the hill and made ready the fire. That hill is now known as Golgotha, the very place where his decendant Jesus was to be sacrifced on the cross as a substitue for us. But at the last minute God did make Abraham aware of another sacrifice for his son Isaac. There was a ram caught in a thicket that Abe killed for the sacrifice. God required that Abe trust Him so much that he was willing to give up his son.
That is why I say that you must release her to God. If He takes her away He will have someone even better for you who can be more transparent about her feelings. Meanwhile, you will mature and grow to be the person God wants you to be. A well balanced marriage does not have one person dominant and the other person needing to repress her thoughts and feelings. To be a good helpmeet she will need to be enabled to feel free to express her input as well. Elise was very courageous to break it off. It means she is moving in the right direction of being able to stand up for herself. Now you need to mature as well and learn to submit to her in the Lord, too, as we are to submit to one another. You will have to learn to die to self, and that begins with your giving her to God to work it out for the best interests of both of you. Abraham's faith was accounted to him as righteousness. You also need to be a man of faith. Trust God in this. Give her to God and completely let go of her.
Blessings,
Willa
Let go of her.

#5
OneLight

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Welcome, my friend.  I moved this here for you.  You can still post here, but you cannot start a thread outside the Welcome area until you have 5 posts or more.

 

God Bless,

Alan



#6
gordonie

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All That has been said is true. I was lazy, not seeking God as passionately as I was seeking her and I was controlling/possessive... but this only started happening last year, first 4 years were awesome. What I dont understand is why she had to leave. There are many things she could have done to knock some sense into me like counseling, talking to our parents or our pastor, or even TELLING me it was making her pull away and have doubts.. I would have made adjustments... she didnt have to blindside me and completely break allllll these promises we made to eachother through the years as well as tear me heart out. I wouldnt call that brave I would call that fear...after everything I did right which far outweighed the bad why didnt she have faith in me?

Edited by gordonie, 29 January 2014 - 08:52 PM.


#7
other one

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from my personal experiences I would wager that she was sending messages that just went over your head, or she wasn't into the relationship nearly at the level as your were.....   either way isn't particularly good.

 

There have been some really good suggestions in the posts above, and you should give them a lot of thought.



#8
FresnoJoe

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Welcome~!



#9
desi2007

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it doesnt sound like your having any peace with this... I would let go of it. Just pray and give it to God. Otherwise, it will consume you and you will lose focus on the things that really matter. Keep your eyes on Jesus.



#10
Guest_HisG_*

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I agree with the advice you have been given here already.


You want to be in a relationship that God's in the centre of - if He's not in this, it won't work.


You must trust God, and hand your hurt over to Him.




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