I am very despaired. I have been a christian for over 10 years now. All this time I have been struggling with fears and doubts.
I struggle with questions and thoughts which usually noone else understands. I emailed with ministries, phoned with pastors. Nobody could help me.
I have anxiety and ocd. Ever since I suffered from fears and thought what if i lose my faith or what if I dont even have real faith. I suffered from this stuff
for years and years.
My only hope was that if I could only get a "breakthrough" and really experience God and hear him or feel him then my struggles with doubts would be over.
But I was never able to. I dont know why. I really wanted it. I used to just talk to God every day and tried to seek him but when nothing ever happened I became
so discouraged and frustrated. I also went to ministers for prayer I thought whatever is wrong with me maybe they can help me but they couldnt.
Over the years I more and more gave up on seeking God simply because I did not know how!
I also stopped reading in the bible pretty much cause it only discouraged me. I only got afraid when I read scary passages in the bible or I also got so many questions.
I struggle with so many questions about everything and simply cannot decide what to believe, like for example healing and stuff like that. I simply cannot decide what is
right. Some say God wants to heal others say he doesn't. And I am so unsure and dont know what is right! This is terrible.
For years my health has gotten worse. I found out I have many major things wrong with me. This made me fall into a deep depression. I then tried to generate faith for
healing. I listened to hundreds of teachings from Wommack and others about faith and healing but none of this helped me!
These faith teachings only talk about how you must believe and must not doubt or you wont get healed. But this only makes it worse! Then I feel even more hopeless.
How shall I get healed when I struggle with doubts and fears already!?
I feel like this is impossible. My faith has been totally damaged by these teachings. They only put more pressure on me.
I feel so alienated from God. How can I have faith when I feel like it all depends on me and if I dont have the faith then God's not going to do anything?
This is a terrible thought.
I also dont understand why was I never able to experience God even though I wanted to? Why? I have no clue.
Was it because I dont deserve it or because I never had enough faith or because I never searched enough?
I dont know what to do anymore. I cant even talk to God anymore. I want to and I dont know what to say anymore. I cant even express my suffering anymore.
I feel so absolutely hopeless. I have all these questions and no answers. I cannot make sense of it.
And out there are so many different teachers and teachings and I also dont know who's right and who I could learn from.
I was told things like I need a revelation about God. But how shall I get it? Advice like this dont help me at all. I have not been able to reach anything in over
10 years and now my situation has become so serious and I have become so despaired that I dont even have the strength anymore to deal with this mental torment
which I have been through for years. I have listened to so many teachings which only caused more suffering and desparation. I cant even stand to listen to them anymore
now because they make me feel so hopeless. I simply have no answers left.
The faith teachings dont help me cause they make me feel more hopeless cause of my doubts.
And the orthodox christian teachings usually say that God doesnt heal anymore or at least only rarely which also offers no hope for me.
I have christian friends who also cannot offer any comfort or hope to me. When I talk to them it's as if God plays no role and probably wont do anything and I'm on my own.
What also totally hurts is that I came across a few messages from a pastor who talks about depression and doubts and I thought maybe he can help me.
I emailed the ministry 3 times asking them for help and if it's possible to call the pastor. Nobody replied. This hurts. From the mp3s it sounded like he was okay and cared
but then how can it be that they simply dont even reply to someone asking for help?
When stuff like that happens I automatically think what if God is the same way or what if the fact that the pastor didn't help means that God has also given up on me?
Edited by otto, 24 April 2014 - 06:15 PM.