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I don't know how to properly say this but...

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#1
valv3h

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... I somewhat dislike my Pastor. I never knew I will say this after being ministered and became my mentor since 2007. Please be warned that this might be a long post and I hope I will not bore you out but help me and provide a proper advice,  :mgrazz: 

 

I met my pastor way back in year 2003 I think when my I was still dating my wife (to cut the explanation.. yes, he is my bro-in-law) Things are going well, we even stayed in their home when we migrated to a different country and after our marriage. He was not yet a pastor at that time but seems to have the 'calling' , there's a Saturday evening fellowship back then. Prior to migrating, I was a staunch Catholic (I was a Youth leader since 1994) before I met my wife who's most of the family are Christians. I was blessed that my wife was the one who debated with me .. pounded my head to attend a Christian service  :biggrin2: I initially was just attending because I love the opening worship band but, it eventually paved way for me becoming a Lead guitarists in a local Chinese Christian church in 2008 when I migrated since I really love music especially the guitar. After he became a pastor, I left the Chinese church and decided to help him out with music team of our local small Church with roughly 100 members. 

 

     Now, the problem is that... I don;t know how to talk to my bro-in-law anymore. It feels that after he became a part time Pastor in 2010 he became very distant, boastful and lost that big brother vibe I used to know. I will be honest that there are somethings that we are disagreeing i.e. Church logo (I'm the lead designer of the site), how my music team is being handled, some personal family matters such as how he is not giving any money to his parents every month, etc...I think this is the downside if you know the real character of your Pastor in which our other members is not aware at all. 

 

Sometimes I feel like, just going back to the local Chinese church but I was thinking, will I just be doing that for the sake of being with their 5K members or just my dislike to him? Our church now is a family type environment, it would be very awkward if some will know that I will be attending other Church. Just a month ago, me and my wife was just laughing when me and my pastor was alone in a taxi since we had to drop off our family member who's flying back... we were not talking at all. That 15 mins drive was dreadful, it's like I'm a stranger... it feels very hard now to sometimes discuss my plans to him with music team since I FEEL THAT HE THINKS THAT I WILL NOT LEAVE the church because we are a family. 

 

Our members are now dwindling... some has already left because on another side, his wife is also not very easy to get a long. You know that there's just that negative vibe going on ... that's how she is. She questions a lot of our actions  and ever since, she is very useless to me and my wife. She's the type that will not even go to my Child's party no SMS or what... very hard to get along with. 

 

Help.... I know you might ask, "why do you just man up and speak to your pastor..." I actually don't know to be honest... I think he knows that me and wife dislike him and we still respect him for who he is and even if we know his 'real' character. Even his other sister who's also Pastor's telling the same thing... it seems that there is an insecurity inside his heart that I cannot understand. 

 

enough with my rambling... this is a long post, there's still a lot to post but, words cannot express my frustrations at times. Have you felt that feeling when 'you are crying silently inside'? ... Most of the time, I feel that... whenever he is saying something in the pulpit, there's a struggle in my heart saying 'really?... " oh for pete's sake, he is just copying his preaching on the Internet! How did I know? I google some of the words in the slides...and low in behold, exact same bullets in SermonCentral!!  :biggrinflip: 

 

Thanks for reading!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



#2
other one

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start going to the other church and maybe he will ask you why.....   then he might be open to listen..



#3
the_patriot2014

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going to church with your family can be tough-its why I dont go to the same church as my parents even though we live in the same town (5 blocks from each other in fact) and if my father in law who is a preacher happened to preach in the same town, I would not attend his church. With family-especially with in laws its best to have some distance in order to get along I think.



#4
gamnot

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I would not suggest an answer to your dilemma, but I will pray that you find the path that God wants you to.take ........... The philosopher Maurice Friedman wrote a book entitled "Problematic Rebel: An Image of Modern Man."   His basic idea is that most people in our times find themselves at a fork in the road and that one road leads to "Being true to yourself" and the other to "Being true to your interpersonal and social Participations."    This is the dilemma that so many people are faced with today in our "culture of narcissism."  



#5
valv3h

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going to church with your family can be tough-its why I dont go to the same church as my parents even though we live in the same town (5 blocks from each other in fact) and if my father in law who is a preacher happened to preach in the same town, I would not attend his church. With family-especially with in laws its best to have some distance in order to get along I think.

 

Yeah, I know right...  :blush2:  but is your Father-in-law asking why you're not attending where he preach? Though, I know every family's norm are different but, it;s just off and totally awkward in our culture and raises lots of questions who you do not attend your family;'s church.., yada yada..

 

thanks for the others who replied. Please keep it coming. 



#6
FresnoJoe

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Praying~!



#7
Fez

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Reading between the lines (which one is forced to do on an internet site where one on one is not possible), 90% of your problems are personal and family orientated and the rest church issues.

Get the family stuff sorted first.(how is not for me to say.I personally would start with a lot of prayer and a family meeting outside of church). Without that the church stuff will never work out.



#8
1x1is1

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valv3h.....your love of worship music brought you to better understand Christianity.  Now your music capabilities and talents can be used to bring other individuals that are now in the same predicament as you were back then, to the Lord.  It would be easier to explain to your kin that you are needed elsewhere as your reason for attending another Church.   GBU



#9
kwikphilly

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Blessings valv.....

   Hmm,quite a dilemma,I am wondering what your wife hs to say about all of this....it is her brother we are discussing,right?I think her take on the whole relationship would greatly influence any advice I may want to offer.....no matter what happens I would never want to see a wedge between a brother & sister they may not have apart from your issues with him?There is alot of complications in this relationship

    I am always one to address issues straight away and first hand but that may not be the best thing for all involved............I think you and your wife must be in total agreement & then together all of you sit down for a family meeting.You also said that your sister in law is difficult to get along with,it is just so much to consider?

     Please begin in pray,you & your wife and ask the Lord to guide your footsteps before doing anything at all..............the best thing may be to go to the other church,but I would never leave on a bad note....without trying to mend the family issues first....I will pray for you

                                                                                                                                     With love-in Christ,Kwik



#10
Butero

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There is no easy solution to this problem.  It seems to me that he got lifted up in pride as a result of his position, and became power hungry.  If you choose to leave, I don't think you would be in the wrong, but having read your post, and having noticed that your brother-in-law is gradually losing his congregation, I think it is likely this problem will resolve itself over time.  He will either change his ways, or he won't have a church.  If you are strong enough to stay, as things crash down around him, it may lead to your relationship getting stronger as he sees your family loyalty.  The prideful attitude will likely go away as he sees everyone leaving one by one.  Now again, I am basing this on what you said, that people are leaving.  You mentioned that he is doing things that are not right in your eyes, so you see him as hypocritical.  Nobody is perfect, and if people saw any of us at our worst, they might not like what they see.  You have inside knowledge of all his bad characteristics. 

 

As I said, if things are unbearable for you, I don't believe you would be wrong to leave, but rather than just up and going, perhaps you could talk things over with him first.  Share your concerns about the way things are and how you are considering leaving.  Head it off rather than waiting for him to question why you left.  That is what I would suggest should you decide to go.  Before you do anything, pray and make sure you have the peace of God that you are doing his will.  Again, there are no easy answers here. 



#11
Willamina

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Since you know your pastor so well, his weaknesses and all, it may be hard for you to submit to his leadership in the church. You are submitting outwardly perhaps, but inside you are questioning him and even resenting his guidance, especially in regards to "your" area of music. It may be very hard for him under these circumstances as well. Sometimes I guage my own submission to God by my attitudes toward those He has put in authority over me, or even to civil laws such as speed limits. So part of the problem may be in your heart as well.
If you go to him, perhaps it would be best to confess your own problem you are having submitting to his leadershìp as a pastor and to ask for his forgiveness. Tell him how much you miss the fellowship you used to have with him and that you realize a lot of it is your own fault. This may go far in helping you to support your good friend and brother in law through a hard time for him, as well.

#12
LadyC

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why don't you re-word your initial post here into a letter to him, and let him know your frustration that way. you could even end it with saying that for those reasons, you feel like you would be best served in another church. in the end, you and your wife need to attend church where you can be spiritually nurtured, and this doesn't seem to be filling that need.

 

on a side note, i love my brother... who is one of the founding members and a deacon in his church. i love his church, too. the pastor is right on, every week. but i don't attend there. the family dynamics would shift if i did. i like the fact that my husband and i are good friends with my brother and his wife, and we can socialize together, help each other with things that need doing, have dinner together weekly... but every time i've attended church where he goes, i get an unsettled feeling. things start feeling strained. 

 

maybe it's better for you to leave your church so that God can heal and restore your family bonds.



#13
valv3h

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Lots of wisdom in all your post... thank you very much, I really appreciate it. It was his birthday yesterday, I feel terrible for not even dropping an SMS to greet him but.. for 5 years, he hasn't even visited my home nor greeted me as well. He was like "oh is it your birthday today?" lol. We have a small celebration on Friday with the rest of the church members, I'll probably greet him in person.  :biggrin2: 
 
@Kwik - funny that you ask about my wife. It was actually her who ever since 'disliked' his brother. I think it got rooted after he got married and their very deep brother-sister relationship was tainted when sister-in-law (as she claims) took over the life of his bigBro who took care of her ever since she was a baby. My wife used to tell me that before her bro got married, they always have time together but, now that sis-in-law is taking over of everything, decision making... money matters, etc... it was crazy. I cannot believe it at first when I was hearing her stories when we were still dating. Now, their relationship is only casual... she banned her sis-in-law to even be invited in any of our house gatherings. crazy... i know.

    I think my wife will totally accept my decision to leave but... I LOVE this church because of the very small numbers and family-like ambiance from our members. And of course, as mentioned, I still respect my bro-in-law for all the things he has done before when we were still starting out in our married life.

 

 @Butero - yes, totally agree with your statement below. It would be terrible for him if knew it from our other members instead of the news coming from me. I just need to find courage to say this upfront knowing that I will be leaving my Music Team and being the Leader of our Bible Study group. 

 

 

if things are unbearable for you, I don't believe you would be wrong to leave, but rather than just up and going, perhaps you could talk things over with him first.  Share your concerns about the way things are and how you are considering leaving.  Head it off rather than waiting for him to question why you left.

 

@Willimina - your statement really struck me a lot...  I admit that perhaps with all those negative family perception I have to him, I am indeed finding it very hard to submit myself to authority... how can I erase this in my memory about the fact that he fails too much in dealing with his family . Though, who am I to judge... I myself does not have a perfect family but it's just getting quite difficult at times to focus on his preaching knowing that there's a 'battle' inside ... I need to re-check my heart indeed and be humble...

 

but, should I initiate the forgiveness? I guess at this time, he is totally clueless... so I don't expect anything from his end. I dunno... I've been always the quite guy, unspoken but.. not that I cannot explain myself, I just dont want to hurt him at all. 

 

@LadyC - wow.. quite interesting that your arrangement works for you. I always thought that you need to attend the church where your family usually visits to be 'united'... 

 

I will meditated and PRAY more on this.... I need a reality check with the humbleness of my heart. I mean, yes I do dislike him but he is still given the anointing and authority by The Lord..... right?



#14
*Zion*

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People will make mistakes.  Nobody has got it all together the moment they step into their calling.  Yes God calls us, yes God prepares us, but also yes: God alone is perfect and we are being transformed by the renewing of our mind into that perfection.  Maybe your brother in law thinks he has to act a certain way as a pastor?  Maybe he's seen others do it a certain way, but it's coming off wrong?

 

Sometimes our zeal for the Lord can also consume us, and people can think that we are just too much.  Pray for your brother in law - not just about him, but for him.  Bless him.  Ask the Lord what you should pray for for him: it may not be what you would expect.  What if you are to pray for encouragement?  It may mean that he is overcompensating because he's not getting encouragement from somewhere else.  What if it's misunderstanding?  It might be that he's coming off one way but people really are misunderstanding him and it's not his fault. 

 

Pray for yourself.  Do you have issues with submission?  Do you hold on to stuff in the flesh?  I'm not saying you do, but the one who can tell you for sure is the Lord.

 

 

 

 

 

 

May the Lord bring His Word and Truth and Love into this situation to bring about His powerful purpose and solution to it in fullness without delay or failure.  In Jesus' mighty Name.  Amen.



#15
bopeep1909

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going to church with your family can be tough-its why I dont go to the same church as my parents even though we live in the same town (5 blocks from each other in fact) and if my father in law who is a preacher happened to preach in the same town, I would not attend his church. With family-especially with in laws its best to have some distance in order to get along I think.

That just depends on how you get along with family.






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