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I lost my Queen

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#1
mattjanes

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Ivve just lost the best relationship in my life. I thought the world of this girl.I lavished her with so many over-the-top compliments which was one problem. I only wanted to make her feel good about herself cuz I thought so highly of her. yet she thought I was mocking her.

she didn't wanna talk. I really wish I could just rewind the week.

I am incapacitated with the grief.. I cant stop thinking about her, all I could think about and dream about was her for the last half a year. she is gone I messed everything up with my poor judgement. I still don't fully understand where I went wrong.I want to cry and sleep all day. I want to drink myself to death. Im cut off from my Queen...incapacitated with grief. Lord please let me die!

I was so close to her. I rarely get close to people.
Please pray for her. Call her Matt's friend. Jesus will know who you're talking about. I hope God hears my prayers for her.

Edited by mattjanes, 10 July 2014 - 06:35 AM.
Edited for profanity.

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#2
FresnoJoe

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#3
Cletus

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There was an old recluse woman living out in the wilderness. One winter it was extra cold and she had to go out and gather extra firewood. During her gathering of wood she heard a noise in the brush. She went to investigate. It was a little bird with a broken wing that could not fly south for the winter. She took it to her cabin and mended its wing and nursed the bird back to health. Spring time came. Early one morning the woman was awoken to a tap tap taping on her window. The woman had come to love this bird very much. It was her only friend. The tapping continued and it saddened the woman. She knew the bird had to go free. She was very sad but she knew she had to open the window and let the bird go free. The woman became very sad for the rest of the year. Finally spring came again and early one morning she was awoken to a familiar tap tap tap on her window. The bird had come back to see her. And every year the bird would return, sometimes even with little baby birds.

the morale of the story is if you love something let it go, if it comes back to you, it was always yours. If not it was never yours.
this is hard to accept when the heart wants what the heart wants, but its true.
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#4
shannowil

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The mystery and beauty of a rainbow both captivates and exasperates the mind. The vision of colors melded together to create a ultimate expression of light that is inexplicably suspended in air as if it truly exists as a physical presence yet it is entirely transparent. One could walk right through it as if it did not exist. Do we need faith to believe that it exists? No, of course not, we can see it for our own eyes. It's beauty is breathtaking. This makes me think of relationships. They exist yet there it is not an object that you can sit on or see, but you can feel it. Not in a sense of physical touch, but of the heart. This invisible string that binds us together. What one does affects another. Whether we are hurtful or helpful we can tear someone down or build them up. Some people somehow have an extra thick string to our heart. We are somehow more connected to those people than others. I am most thankful for those. A relationship can be just as beautiful if not more than a rainbow. Instead of an expression of light, they are an expression of love. Somehow we seem to be able to forget that when God isn't our focus. Thinking about how God thinks of us, I can imagine how he wishes that we treat eachother. Not putting ourselves above others. Being happy for other's success. Encouraging one another. Loving one another. This world may have Lucifer, but the one who lives in me is greater! The second I take my eyes off of Jesus, I fail. Always striving to keep my focus where it needs to be, I am thankful for His faithfullness. I am thankful as well that he puts such amazing people in my path! I know it is hard to keep on keeping on, but that is what builds the kind of character that will edify and emmulate Christ. What does this world need more of if it isn't Christ?


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#5
other one

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was the relationship with her more important than your relationship with the Lord........    maybe he's just jealous....    it might not be in your best interests to be with this girl right now...

 

Work on your relationship with the Lord and if it's in your best interests, he will help.


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#6
mattjanes

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I've lost faith lately so for a time I would say yeah she was more important to me than God.

I hate being alive . I just annoy, anger, and lose the seldom good friends I have and bother people, and cost taxpayers dollars having to go to mental institutions. I'm a pitiful excuse for a man and people think I'm worthless and a big baby.I want to kill myself but I'm afraid of hell. if I knew I could kill myself and go to heaven I would kill myself tomorrow. Jesus made it clear that some people are weeds. they bring forth nothing good and are bad for everyone and the world. I am a weed!

Edited by mattjanes, 10 July 2014 - 04:31 PM.

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#7
shannowil

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I have been where you are. Maybe not the exact circumstances, but I can understand the hopelessness you feel. The fact is though that these are the lies that Satan wants us to believe. He wants us to think we are not good enough and that we never will be. However, Jesus says he didn't come into the world to judge. He came into the world to save it. When it says that my hope is in the Lord, it is also saying that our hope as Christians is in his promises. He says he loves us as he loved his Son Jesus. The bible says that when we are discouraged he carries us close to his heart. It also says that his thoughts of each of us are as countless as the sand on the sea shore. I could go on....there are so many promises and reassurance of his love for us. Also, it says that no one comes to Jesus unless they have been called by God. If you were a weed would God have called you? You have a choice like we all do. Do you believe in Him and his promises? Do you trust that His plans are for your good? Do you know how much He loves you? Please open your heart to Jesus. He is truly the healer!
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#8
kwikphilly

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Blessings matt

     Welcome to Worthy........it is good the Lord has lead you to this Ministry,where you can talk & share your emotions & feelings with others who truly care......Praise the Lord!He does love you so very much & you are not a weed!   But more importantly than us listening & doing our best to encourage you & comfort you .......the best thing we can do is point you to Jesus.....

    Matt,I know you are saying how much you love this lady & you think you cannot live without her and you just feel empty & incomplete without her but this is not the real problem........Unless we ourselves are whole & complete there is not a person in the world that can fill that void,that emptiness and that can only come by being one with the Lord......only Jesus can take you to that place of completeness.I see you believe in Jesus but Who is He to you?Believing in Him is just a beginning ,a good place to start but if you do not have a relationship with Him then you will always be looking to fill the void with something or someone & it just will not do..........we are not just a physical body,we are also spirit.......that spirit needs to be filled or we are just like half of a being.Jesus is the Way,the Truth & the Life.

   My son once came to me in the exact condition you are in,the same circumstance too.......my advice to Him was to put God first in His life & I told Him that perhaps the Lord allowed it to happen so that He would turn to Him.......and He could have Him to Himself?Matt,my son decided that he had nothing else to lose & he would try it(he said "my way").....to make a long story short,he sought after the Lord with all his heart & Jesus put new life in his dead existence.....He asked Jesus to be Lord of His life & His Savior,his FIRST love.......................Today,the girl that got away is his wife ,the mother of his child(another on the way) .......Glory to God!

     Now I am not telling you that God is a genie in a lamp & if you turn to Him He will bring your girl back......what I am telling you is that when you develop a relationship with the Lord He does fill the desires of your heart if it is in accordance with his Will,if not ,,,,He can even change those desires.......but putting Him first is the beginning of a life more abundant ,a life with peace,joy & happiness.........by the Grace of God through Faith in Jesus..........God Bless you,run to the only One that can comfort you,run into his embrace.................With love-in Christ,Kwik..


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#9
enoob57

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Blessings matt
     Welcome to Worthy........it is good the Lord has lead you to this Ministry,where you can talk & share your emotions & feelings with others who truly care......Praise the Lord!He does love you so very much & you are not a weed!   But more importantly than us listening & doing our best to encourage you & comfort you .......the best thing we can do is point you to Jesus.....
    Matt,I know you are saying how much you love this lady & you think you cannot live without her and you just feel empty & incomplete without her but this is not the real problem........Unless we ourselves are whole & complete there is not a person in the world that can fill that void,that emptiness and that can only come by being one with the Lord......only Jesus can take you to that place of completeness.I see you believe in Jesus but Who is He to you?Believing in Him is just a beginning ,a good place to start but if you do not have a relationship with Him then you will always be looking to fill the void with something or someone & it just will not do..........we are not just a physical body,we are also spirit.......that spirit needs to be filled or we are just like half of a being.Jesus is the Way,the Truth & the Life.
   My son once came to me in the exact condition you are in,the same circumstance too.......my advice to Him was to put God first in His life & I told Him that perhaps the Lord allowed it to happen so that He would turn to Him.......and He could have Him to Himself?Matt,my son decided that he had nothing else to lose & he would try it(he said "my way").....to make a long story short,he sought after the Lord with all his heart & Jesus put new life in his dead existence.....He asked Jesus to be Lord of His life & His Savior,his FIRST love.......................Today,the girl that got away is his wife ,the mother of his child(another on the way) .......Glory to God!
     Now I am not telling you that God is a genie in a lamp & if you turn to Him He will bring your girl back......what I am telling you is that when you develop a relationship with the Lord He does fill the desires of your heart if it is in accordance with his Will,if not ,,,,He can even change those desires.......but putting Him first is the beginning of a life more abundant ,a life with peace,joy & happiness.........by the Grace of God through Faith in Jesus..........God Bless you,run to the only One that can comfort you,run into his embrace.................With love-in Christ,Kwik..

What a wonderful eternal reality of true riches God has given you! :amen: and again :amen: Love, ya Sis!
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#10
Kevin1971

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Ivve just lost the best relationship in my life. I thought the world of this girl.I lavished her with so many over-the-top compliments which was one problem. I only wanted to make her feel good about herself cuz I thought so highly of her. yet she thought I was mocking her.

she didn't wanna talk. I really wish I could just rewind the week.

I am incapacitated with the grief.. I cant stop thinking about her, all I could think about and dream about was her for the last half a year. she is gone I messed everything up with my poor judgement. I still don't fully understand where I went wrong.I want to cry and sleep all day. I want to drink myself to death. Im cut off from my Queen...incapacitated with grief. Lord please let me die!

I was so close to her. I rarely get close to people.
Please pray for her. Call her Matt's friend. Jesus will know who you're talking about. I hope God hears my prayers for her.

 

You're grieving my friend.  Many a young man has expereinced this, and there is nothing to be ashamed of.  It means you have a heart and soul and have love to give.

 

You sound like a young man, however, who is still very much in that vulnerable age of unrequited love.  It hurts--something awlful.  But you not only survive it, you will learn that it often--if not always--was an illusion of a fantasy you imposed upon the object of your affection.  You don't realize it at the time, but it is more the idea of the narrative of a fantasy relationship than the actually girl you thought you were "in love" with at the time.  At the end, you learn what that "love" was, was really a lust and even obsession of the feeling of being in love more than it had anything to do with the girl.  This realization adds considerable insight later on with having substanitive relationships and real love.  You deserve to know and understand the difference--as does the real future love that God has for all of us.  Give it time.  Like the old song says, "You can't hurry love."

 

You will find you are grieving--not for what you thought you had and lost, but what you still are searching for and only think you'll never find.  But that is a lie.  Know that and that however terrible and indescribable low that heart-wrenching feeling of lonliness is right now for you, it is temporary and will pass, and I promise you will lend itself to you having a more matured and fuller emotional understanding.  However cliche, time heals all wounds, but it also is a great teacher. 

 

You'll find her.  And you'll know when you really do.  Just know your life is a worthy one, and God has many pages of your life still ahead of you.  No person is defined or their story confined by any one chapter let alone a few pages of that book!

 

Peace!


Edited by Kevin1971, 12 July 2014 - 01:51 PM.

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#11
Kevin1971

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The mystery and beauty of a rainbow both captivates and exasperates the mind. The vision of colors melded together to create a ultimate expression of light that is inexplicably suspended in air as if it truly exists as a physical presence yet it is entirely transparent. One could walk right through it as if it did not exist. Do we need faith to believe that it exists? No, of course not, we can see it for our own eyes. It's beauty is breathtaking. This makes me think of relationships. They exist yet there it is not an object that you can sit on or see, but you can feel it. Not in a sense of physical touch, but of the heart. This invisible string that binds us together. What one does affects another. Whether we are hurtful or helpful we can tear someone down or build them up. Some people somehow have an extra thick string to our heart. We are somehow more connected to those people than others. I am most thankful for those. A relationship can be just as beautiful if not more than a rainbow. Instead of an expression of light, they are an expression of love. Somehow we seem to be able to forget that when God isn't our focus. Thinking about how God thinks of us, I can imagine how he wishes that we treat eachother. Not putting ourselves above others. Being happy for other's success. Encouraging one another. Loving one another. This world may have Lucifer, but the one who lives in me is greater! The second I take my eyes off of Jesus, I fail. Always striving to keep my focus where it needs to be, I am thankful for His faithfullness. I am thankful as well that he puts such amazing people in my path! I know it is hard to keep on keeping on, but that is what builds the kind of character that will edify and emmulate Christ. What does this world need more of if it isn't Christ?

Love your analogy! 


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#12
mattjanes

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Thank you for the brilliant replies.

what hurts me most is she already had trust issues and I made those issues much worse. but not intentionally. I reminded her of some other guys she dated and she thought I was very manipulative and playing her and she called me a misogynist. it hurts that someone I care about so much and yes who was on my mind all the time, now thinnks I was being dishonest and manipulative all this time. even my immature attempt at making her feel good about herself with over the top compliments, she thinks it was mockery and manipulation.
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#13
mattjanes

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I think I was just too annoying. and overboard with the flattery and perhaps some boundry issues.
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#14
Kevin1971

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I think I was just too annoying. and overboard with the flattery and perhaps some boundry issues.

I think your self-reflection is the mark of maturity.  You'll learn from this and grow positively from it as well.  If I can offer this last bit of advice though: You alreay are aware of the unhealthy dynamic between you and how it was forced in your realizing you had some boundry issues.  That with her trust issues just makes for a bad combination.  I think with time, you might be surpirsed to see with greater clairty you were never compatible in the long run and that this again was but an obsession of sorts.  Sometimes we need to feel validated in having someone let us validate them.  I don't doubt for one moment your intentions were honest nor trying to invalidate your hurt.  But as human beings, we have a remarkable way of doing things that is motivated by hidden eddies of emotional wants that we are not even aware of often times.  That you acknowledged your feelings and pain, for this man, says volumes about what kind of man you are: a good one with value.  Again, you'll find that proverbial one--and when you really do, you'll know it.  I believe genuinely God has that someone special out there for us all.  They might be living in a hut in Timbuktu, but that only means God has a sense of humor in recognizing your more adventurous nature and has given you a journey to remember.  :)  Peace friend.


Edited by Kevin1971, 12 July 2014 - 07:42 PM.

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#15
countingsheep

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Hi mattjanes "for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh"  You Will smile again

Praise Jesus


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#16
alien224

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Welcome Matt! Praying.....
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#17
mattjanes

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I gave her over the top compliments like:  Hows the most wonderfull lady in the world doing? every word you speak is full of grace, your angelic countenance brightens the whole room, you are the Ark of The Covenant, Temple of Solomon, you are magnificent....and then some.   That is not wise to constantly flatter like that.    I'm delusional and not always sober.


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#18
enoob57

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I put the female up there by God... couldn't tell which was which till God
spanked me enough to wake up! There is only God now in His proper place as
The Only Place of worship...and He removed the female worship from my being...
Love, Steven
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#19
Littlelambseativy

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As much as we love another, we can smother them and drive them away. But as a Christian,we must always remember that God will not share first place in our hearts with anyone. He comes first, and if we give Him that place, and not just on Sundays, but in all things- remember He is a jealous God and wants our love above all things and if we give Him first place He will grant us the desires of our hearts, because He loves us.
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#20
mattjanes

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I put the female up there by God... couldn't tell which was which till God
spanked me enough to wake up! There is only God now in His proper place as
The Only Place of worship...and He removed the female worship from my being...
Love, Steven

So far women have rejected me and God rejected me when I simply prayed for the grace to do his will and he left me in darkness and confusion.


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