i was a Christian my entire life, i loved god with all my heart. I loved him like he was the only being that loves me very much. I also loved Jesus, my savior, my father, and the one who saved m from hell and will always be there for me. But one day when i was reading about god over the internet i read about the unpardonable sin, blasphemy against the holy spirit. It says if i commit this sin, denying the holy spirit for a second, even for a second, i will never be forgiven. I then thought about that sin 24/7.Then once while i was in bed, i was fighting with my head and a demon was telling me deny the holy spirit for a second, it won't hurt. Then i denied the holy spirit for a second. When i came back to faith i felt my soul being sent straight to hell! I felt Jesus abandoning me like i just crossed the line. While worrying about this sin, i looked up this sin again, and read one page from the internet that says this
"Those who blaspheme the Holy Spirit are those who consciously and perhaps repeatedly reject Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior and are not even be concerned about it." Source: https://www.rapturer...faq/faq307.html
I even read Jeremy Myer's book about why you have not committed the unpardonable sin, and my hope grew, but still wasn't 100% sure i was saved by Jesus Christ. I read his book, read his book, over and over again, but still was not convinced i did not commit this sin. This one pastor said blasphemy against the holy spirit is a lifetime commitment, and die remaining committed to this position, but a bunch of people said this is not true, that they say if you deny the holy spirit until you cannot hear his voice, then you have committed this sin, that that scared me so much.
Then I came up with the conclusion with my mind. I thought that if i still felt the holy spirit was inside of me, i can still be forgiven by the grace of the lord. But one day i wanted to sin, i wanted to commit this crime, i don't wanna go into further detail of this crime i wanted to commit, that if i actually commit this crime, i would feel better about myself, somehow. I turned into an evil spirit, the holy spirit told me not to do this but i wouldn't listen. Then one day i rejected the holy spirit and hold him to stop convincing me not to do this crime, and kicked him out of my heart. I felt so angry with him (I don't know why), but soon after i felt him leaving my heart. I felt my soul was black and empty, i went to Jesus and the holy spirit and tried to repent, and that i wanted the holy spirit back into my heart, but i just couldn't. I then went to this website, "http://www.benotconf...ardonable.htm",
It told me this,
"If you say to yourself, "There is nothing I can do to change what I have done, so I am going to live in sin and have all the fun I can in this life," you will make things much worse for yourself. Please, please do not do that. Don't turn against God. Instead, say to yourself, as Job did, "Though he slay me, yet will I trust in Him." (Job 13:15a)
If you incapacitate yourself with worry or bitterness towards God, you will miss your chance to make things better in the afterlife. My counsel to you is to stop worrying about something you can't undo, and start living for God and your fellow man. Make your life count for good! Say to yourself, "If I have committed the unpardonable sin, there is nothing I can do to change that so I am going to quit worrying about it, and try my best to love God and serve Him anyway."
God will take notice of this. Perhaps one day, as you are trying to so good works for God, He will grant you the ability to repent again, and reveal to you that although you came very close, you did not actually commit this sin, so that you can find forgiveness. And even if it turns out that He cannot forgive you because you have actually committed the unpardonable sin, He will have much more mercy on you on Judgment Day than someone who did not serve Him at all, because all who stand before the God at the Great White Throne will judged by their works"
I Don"t know if Jesus still loves me anymore. I think i have gone way into sin that i cannot ever be forgiven. I maybe will never know if i have commited this sin or not. Also, it turned out, I NEVER COMMITTED THE CRIME IN THE FIRST PLACE! But I want to make things right with the lord and my family and restore all of this. I want to be forgiven by the lord and Jesus Christ, and I want the holy spirit back again, even though i sinned a bunch. What do you guys think? If I still turn to Jesus is there hope for me?