My Marriage & Divorce Testimony

[DesertSW]

I wanted to post my marriage and divorce testimony (married for 12 years) for my healing and possibly for others who may benefit from reading my story. I want to start off that I am a saved Believer and was born again back in 1993. Almost 25 years have passed and I have been through a lot and this divorce was THE GREATEST hardship in my entire life.

I was never married before and I met my future wife on a Christian dating website back in 2004. She was also never married and we hit it off pretty quickly. We had the same likes, dislikes, personality quirks, life goals, characteristics, and we both were saved and wanted to serve our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Neither of us wanted children of our own so that was ironed out fairly quickly before our marriage. She was a school teacher and I worked in the hospitality field.

Of course no relationship or person is "perfect" in our fallen nature. She suffered from an eating disorder (which was in remission at that time), she was on prescription meds for depression and later was diagnosed as mildly bi-polar (from a medical ER doctor). I didn't know what I was getting into with those conditions but I loved her and trusted in the Lord to guide me and us through.

We had some tough times during the first 1-2 years of our marriage. I had a really hard time adjusting to her personality behaviors due to her depression and psychological issues. So we had a few rough arguments (never physical) and I said a few dumb things that I regretted, repented and never repeated again in the entire remaining 10+ years of our marriage. The Holy Spirit taught me and I grew as a husband and I never did or said anything harsh or unloving to her for the remainder of the 10 years of the marriage.

I would do so much for her because I loved her as Christ loves the Church. I helped at school with cleaning her classroom, running errands for her, cleaning the house, packing her lunch, helping her with school activities, etc. She would write me hundreds of cards and letters of the course of our marriage telling me how much she loved me and how great of a husband I was. I still have those letters/cards and they can fill 3 shoe boxes full. She would tell me that she felt like a bad wife (her words) and I would always try and build her up and tell her she was a good wife and a beautiful wife who I loved dearly.

I never abused her, never drank, no drugs, never cheated on her and provided a beautiful home, garden and life for her. We attended church regularly and while she was stressed from work, I never suspected anything was drastically wrong.

THE GREAT BETRAYAL

So back in summer 2015 she decided to go on a trip to Oregon to see her parents. Not a big deal, as she and I were both close to her parents so I thought it was just a trip to visit family. Now, looking back, she was actually planning her exit to separate and divorce, all without even letting me know. She refused any and all attempts to seek Christian counseling or advice from our pastor. She left to Oregon and I was left alone.

She violated her teaching contract which she signed promising to teach that year. She gave away THOUSANDS of dollars of teaching supplies in a garage sale. She left the school high and dry without a teacher to teach the class of students coming back in just 30 days. The school had to hire a sub and struggled to find a teacher to teach the students. The students were the ones who were impacted. She didn't care. She was on to bigger and better things in Oregon.

I had to deal with paying all the bills, I had to give away our beloved cat (Gizmo), our Koi, I had to put the house up for sale, I had to move 100 miles away for a new job relocation, etc. She left me without any notice and I had to deal with everything on my own.

Now, looking back. This was all being planned out by her in early 2015. She kept things really quiet.

More in part# 2...

 

 

Edited November 27, 2017 by DesertSW
spelling & date correction

[DesertSW]

PART# 2

They say hindsight is 20/20 and looking back I could see her plan started in January 2015 and then made her big step to leave in June/July 2015. A few weeks before she left to Oregon, something very strange happened to me and I had to work backwards to figure it out.

I was standing at a Target parking lot near our home around 8pm. I was on the cell phone talking with her mom. Then a police squad pulls around and lights me up and pulls out his gun and points it at me. I am in shock at that moment as I was just standing talking on my cell phone to her mom. The officer has me place the phone down and lift up my shirt and I told him I am unarmed. He then approaches me and runs my info and I asked him why he drew his weapon on me. He said a passer-by told him I had a gun in my hand. I was in shock. Who on earth told him that but he didn't say. Well, the next day I found out. It was my ex-wife's "best" friend who did that. She saw me in the lot and decided it would be funny and vengeful to call a cop and tell him that I was waving a gun around in the parking lot.

This EVIL friends of hers was named "Angie". A backslidden Christian who went through numerous failed relationships and was telling my wife to divorce me without just cause and to NOT seek Christian counseling. Angie was an AGENT OF SATAN and her goal was to destroy our marriage and to fill my wife's mind with evil ideas and unBiblical advice. Angie had told the officer that I had a gun in my hand so the officer pulled his weapon and was going to likely shoot me until he could determine it wasn't a gun. So Angie wanted to have me shot. What a nice friend my wife had.

My wife sought advice from unsaved friends who told her to divorce me if she was "unhappy". Instead of seeking advice from our pastor or Christian counselors, she sought an audience of unsaved and ungodly people who believe divorce is good, as life is short and our goal in life is to be as happy as possible. People want to hear what they want to hear. So my wife didn't seek Godly Christian advice since it wouldn't be what she wanted to hear. So she sought out unsaved people who would agree with what she wanted to hear.

THE WAITING PERIOD

So many months went by and any attempt I made to contact her and seek Godly healing and resolve for our marriage, was completely shot down by her. She refused any attempt to have Godly counseling and didn't even want to talk to me. Then about 10 months later after she left, now June 2016, she texted me and stated she wanted a divorce. So I got divorced by text message. What an insult and disgrace by someone who is a Christian!

I pleaded with her for counseling but she refused. There was NO REASON for a divorce. She gave NO REASON for it. Her reason for divorce was that "she was happy alone in Oregon"  and that was it.

Part# 3 will conclude...

 

 

 

 

Edited August 31, 2017 by DesertSW
added info

[DesertSW]

PART # 3 - The Conclusion

So now I stood in shock and awe. A women I loved for 12 years is seeking a divorce without any just cause. My wife, who I stood by her side during the worst of times, when she was mean and angry towards me, I still loved and cared for her. A wife that I would carry from the bed to the bathroom because she was so sick that she couldn't walk. She was sick and puked but I would clean out the bucket and clean her up. A wife that said I was the best husband around and she wrote me hundreds of cards and letters telling me how I was a loving and great husband.

Now, she claimed she didn't love me and was vague for her reason for divorce. It had something to do with "not being able to speak her mind" but she wouldn't get specific. She talked about some argument we had 10 years ago and used that as her main reason for the divorce. She dug up some decade old argument we had that had long been forgiven and forgotten as the reason for the divorce.

During the marriage I put up with her eating disorder, her mental issues, her anger issues, she could be very cold and cruel to me at times but I still loved her as Christ loved the church. Yet, she stopped loving me (according to her words), which is a VIOLATION of God's commandment to love one's spouse. God doesn't make it an option in marriage. God DEMANDS the spouses to love each other. My wife CHOSE not to love me. It was a violation of God's command.

The other sad fact was that her parents (both Christians - her dad was even an elder) never attempted to reconcile the marriage. Even though her parents told me many times I was the best husband for their daughter and that they loved me. Her parents made no effort to have their daughter come back to reconcile and seek Godly healing in the marriage. I was DEEPLY disappointed by their lack of following Godly mandates when it came to marriage.

So now I stand here a year later still deeply hurt by the divorce. A black mark on my testimony as a Christian. Most people think when a Christian divorces it's because of infidelity or physical abuse. In my case, neither happened but I am marked as a failed Christian marriage.

I've cried so much in the past 2 years, more than I have in the other 40 years of my life. Four decades of life never brought as much tears as have the past 2 years. She betrayed me, our marriage vows, her vows and promises to God, she betrayed the faith. Yet she and her parents act like nothing bad happened and "life goes on". This event has also left me very uneasy about Christians and their behaviors. Unsaved people I know have better Christian marriage principles and beliefs than my wife and her parents had.

Well that's the summary of my marriage/divorce testimony... For now, I am taking it a day at a time. Heartbroken and disillusioned. I will never be able to trust any Christian going forward. If my wife did this to me, who can I trust? I only trust God and His Word. Everything else is just dust in the wind. Words that have no meaning and are fleeting like the winds...

 

Edited August 31, 2017 by DesertSW

[kwikphilly]

Blessings DesertSW

 Welcome to Worthy,it doesn't sound like you really want any advice,as you said"I will never trust any christian going forward" So do you think that is pleasing  & acceptable to God,that you hold bitterness & resentment to all Christians because of one woman?I had a very similar situation only I was the one w4ho never loved the man,ah yes,he too was a man scorned & had the same attitude but that was to be expected,he was not a Believer.......

   I will keep you in prayer but I must ask,do you really want advice or do you just desire a place to vent? Theres a lot gong on here but I will refrain unless you ask                                                                                                               With love-in Christ,Kwik

   

[missmuffet]

2 hours ago, DesertSW said:

I wanted to post my marriage and divorce testimony (married for 12 years) for my healing and possibly for others who may benefit from reading my story. I want to start off that I am a saved Believer and was born again back in 1993. Almost 25 years have passed and I have been through a lot and this divorce was THE GREATEST hardship in my entire life.

I was never married before and I met my future wife on a Christian dating website back in 2004. She was also never married and we hit it off pretty quickly. We had the same likes, dislikes, personality quirks, life goals, characteristics, and we both were saved and wanted to serve our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Neither of us wanted children of our own so that was ironed out fairly quickly before our marriage. She was a school teacher and I worked in the hospitality field.

Of course no relationship or person is "perfect" in our fallen nature. She suffered from an eating disorder (which was in remission at that time), she was on prescription meds for depression and later was diagnosed as mildly bi-polar (from a medical ER doctor). I didn't know what I was getting into with those conditions but I loved her and trusted in the Lord to guide me and us through.

We had some tough times during the first 1-2 years of our marriage. I had a really hard time adjusting to her personality behaviors due to her depression and psychological issues. So we had a few rough arguments (never physical) and I said a few dumb things that I regretted, repented and never repeated again in the entire remaining 10+ years of our marriage. The Holy Spirit taught me and I grew as a husband and I never did or said anything harsh or unloving to her for the remainder of the 10 years of the marriage.

I would do so much for her because I loved her as Christ loves the Church. I helped at school with cleaning her classroom, running errands for her, cleaning the house, packing her lunch, helping her with school activities, etc. She would write me hundreds of cards and letters of the course of our marriage telling me how much she loved me and how great of a husband I was. I still have those letters/cards and they can fill 3 shoe boxes full. She would tell me that she felt like a bad wife (her words) and I would always try and build her up and tell her she was a good wife and a beautiful wife who I loved dearly.

I never abused her, never drank, no drugs, never cheated on her and provided a beautiful home, garden and life for her. We attended church regularly and while she was stressed from work, I never suspected anything was drastically wrong.

THE GREAT BETRAYAL

So back in summer 2015 she decided to go on a trip to Oregon to see her parents. Not a big deal, as she and I were both close to her parents so I thought it was just a trip to visit family. Now, looking back, she was actually planning her exit to separate and divorce, all without even letting me know. She left and came back and after picking her up at the airport she came home and dropped the mother of all bombs on me in the kitchen. She said that she will leave me the next day and live in Oregon with her parents for 1 year and then decide if she will come back or not. She refused any and all attempts to seek Christian counseling or advice from our pastor. She left to Oregon and I was left alone.

She violated her teaching contract which she signed promising to teach that year. She gave away THOUSANDS of dollars of teaching supplies in a garage sale. She left the school high and dry without a teacher to teach the class of students coming back in just 30 days. The school had to hire a sub and struggled to find a teacher to teach the students. The students were the ones who were impacted. She didn't care. She was on to bigger and better things in Oregon.

I had to deal with paying all the bills, I had to give away our beloved cat (Gizmo), our Koi, I had to put the house up for sale, I had to move 100 miles away for a new job relocation, etc. She left me without any notice and I had to deal with everything on my own.

Now, looking back. This was all being planned out by her in early 2015. She kept things really quiet.

More in part# 2...

 

 

First of all how long did you guys date and get to know each other before you got married? I always like to hear two sides of a story so I can see the whole picture. I am just going on what you are telling me.

God will get you through this heartbreak if you ask Him.

[DesertSW]

4 hours ago, kwikphilly said:

Blessings DesertSW

 Welcome to Worthy,it doesn't sound like you really want any advice,as you said"I will never trust any christian going forward" So do you think that is pleasing  & acceptable to God,that you hold bitterness & resentment to all Christians because of one woman?I had a very similar situation only I was the one w4ho never loved the man,ah yes,he too was a man scorned & had the same attitude but that was to be expected,he was not a Believer.......

   I will keep you in prayer but I must ask,do you really want advice or do you just desire a place to vent? Theres a lot gong on here but I will refrain unless you ask                                                                                                               With love-in Christ,Kwik

   

I want to give my testimony/experience but I am also open to advice and Biblical wisdom.

Space didn't allow as I was focusing on my wife/divorce but I have burned by numerous Christian friends throughout my life. Five of my closest friends throughout the past 25 years were Christians and they ALL betrayed the faith and they are no longer practicing Christians. That's another story for another time but my wife's divorce was kind of the final straw. I believe and trust in God but like the Apostle Paul was betrayed by brothers and sisters in the faith.

[DesertSW]

3 hours ago, missmuffet said:

First of all how long did you guys date and get to know each other before you got married? I always like to hear two sides of a story so I can see the whole picture. I am just going on what you are telling me.

God will get you through this heartbreak if you ask Him.

I agree, there are 2 sides to each story but I will represent all that happened as honestly as possible. I have nothing to hide or no need to misrepresent.

I wish my wife would have allowed the time and place to explain WHY she wanted a divorce, instead of some generalities and drudge up an argument we had 10 years prior, as grounds for the divorce.

We communicated via email and phone for a few months after we met on the Christian dating website. We then met in person and dated for around 4-5 months before we married. We both believed God brought us together. She stated that and wrote it in numerous cards/letters. Too many circumstances happened that made our meeting more than a mere coincidence. We believed God brought us together.

My wife would stated the same for our entire marriage. Then as if someone flipped a switch in January 2015, she changed her beliefs and was trying to find reasons to leave the marriage. Then in June/July 2015 she left and we divorced in July 2016.

Edited August 31, 2017 by DesertSW

[DesertSW]

I also want to emphasize that I don't have any ill will towards my ex-wife. I still love her and always will.

What I do have is sorrow for the loss of a marriage and a wife I love.

 

Edited September 2, 2017 by DesertSW

[kwikphilly]

Blessings DesertSW

i     You can share your story in "Testimonies" Forum which is in our Upper Room Section,same Section as this Forum,there is no space limit,it can be as long or as short as you like

      I can't give you any advice in regards to your friendships & betrayals,as MsMuffet said"We only have one side of the story"....We do not doubt your sincerity but we only have your perspective.....in all honestly it is still "your take" only,it is very difficult to get the entire picture if you know what I mean.Whatever the case may be you will do well to chalk it up to experience ,not having reservations for future friendships but in choosing friends wisely and using good judgement......I try to keep in mind that I must first BE a good friend in order that I may find one.....and "a good friend" it a treasure  

     I must wonder about this "Christian Dating Site" thing....so,people are looking for a mate and that is their hearts desire-imo thats the first mistake   Seeking one's own will and not seeking Gods Will for your life,what can be expected?Sure ,many people would like to share their lives with someone else,a partner,a spouse bt as Christians we should be whole & complete walking in Spirit & in Truth,then we ask God what He has for us,what would He have us to do,where to go,what is the Purpose of my Calling?Your hearts desire was for a woman,hers was for a man.....you found each other & then "asked God"...I don't Believe that is how it is supposed to work m y friend....Now understand I am not saying that it NEVER works out that way but it certainly does not seem it was Gods Will for you both,I could be wrong but what God puts together does not come apart

    You dated "on-line" for only 4 or 5 months & got married,I cannot say I think that was a good decision,for whatever your reason I am unclear...it seems your ex-wife's reason was for someone to complete her and she will not fill that void until(if & when)she is complete in Christ Jesus.....you already said she suffered depression and had quite a few is2 sues prior to marriage,marriage doesn't "fix" or change people,Jesus Christ does .....You talk about "practicing Christians"-what is a "practicing Christian?" If it is someone that goes to church on Sunday,,pays their tithes,reads the Bible ,goes to Wednesday night Bible Study & hands out food to the poor working in the soup kitchen  then that may very well be "going through the motions".....a Born Again Christian has an active Relationship with God in Christ, communing with Him all the time.....a Born Again Spirit Filled Christian is FREE in Christ walking in Spirit & in Truth and it is a "process",until that process has produced a New Creature in Christ Jesus where the Believer is COMPLETE I do not suggest rushing into marriage,the 2 can certainly grow together as boyfriend & girlfriend -whats the rush?

Quote

King James Bible
But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.                   Matthew 6:33

   I'm so sorry you are hurting,it sounds like you have a broken heart but the Good News is that your FIRST Love is God and He Will never leave you nor Will He forsake you and He can work all things together for the good of those that love Him,according to His Purpose,,,,,who knows?Perhaps your Purpose is to MInister to others what "not to do" and spare then grief & heart ache.....too many people rush into marriage ,Christians as well and the result is not good because we trust our own hearts & minds,looking for self gratification"This is what I want & I want it now!"   Patience is a Fruit of the Spirit & so is Self Control,it takes time to know one another and it takes time to LISTEN to the Still Small Voice of God to Understand what the desires of our heart ought to be and what they shouldn't be.....when God puts the 2 together that they may be One Flesh it is also according to the Purpose of His Calling,to give Him Glory,Honor,Praise,Worship-together   

   I know its probably not what you had hoped to hear but let me encourage you that you are here now & talking to people who genuinely care about you & want to help you through this with support ,kindness & love....we all make plenty of mistakes & we suffer the reprocussions of our actions but even still-God pours out His Love Mercy & Compassion -He is our Provider ,in Him we can hold on to His Peace,His Joy & His Comfort in the worst of times through one another    I'm glad you are here,Jesus Loves you and don't give up on people or on relationships,this time just trust Him and seek His Face,He Will supply all of your needs

                                                                                                          With love-in Christ,Kwik

 

[DesertSW]

On 9/4/2017 at 10:56 AM, kwikphilly said:

Blessings DesertSW

   Now understand I am not saying that it NEVER works out that way but it certainly does not seem it was Gods Will for you both,I could be wrong but what God puts together does not come apart "

 

Just wanted to comment on some things you stated.

Jesus in Mark 10 was talking about divorce and in Mark 10:9 Jesus said, "What therefore God has joined, let no man separate."

Jesus stated that God can and does bring couples together in holy marriage but then man separates them. That is what happens thousands of times a day in the Christian world, including my marriage. Jesus made the factual statement that God puts people together in marriage but MAN takes them apart. It was not God's Will for divorce but my wife's choice to divorce. God did not separate the marriage, but my spouse did. So what God puts together does come apart because of mankind.

My other comment is on the dating time length & Christian dating site.

As far as time goes. I've known Christian couples who dated for years before marriage and ended up divorcing. I've known couples who dated for 2 months and are happily married after 40+ years. In Jesus' time, people got married through arrangements and never really courted. There is no formula that works for all cases for all people. We no longer participate in arranged marriages in this country and Christian dating sites are just a modern form of trying to find Godly spouses.