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Knowing if we are marriage ready

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Omegaman 3.0


Recently a young man asked me how one knows when one is mature enough for marriage. I responded to him, with some thoughts that went beyond his specific question. I am about to include my reply here. I should add though that some of these principles are for men and women both, and can also be considered in other aspect of life in addition to marriage.

Also, I would like to add, that before getting married, I think it is wise (in terms of human wisdom, not Biblical revelation) for people to consider carefully the idea of being established as individuals before starting life in marriage. Finances, careers, education, and other skills in living, can go a long way to reducing the stresses that marriages can encounter. When considering marriage, good, Christian pre-marital counseling can be a very good thing.

Try not to start off a marriage with financial problems. Learn about another before learning about them in marriage. Be aware that people often put their best foot forward during courtship, only to become lazy in marriage, revealing their true character. Be careful people, this is a life long commitment, and you do not want to make mistakes here.

In my country (U.S.A.), it has become common practice to engage in a ritual we call dating. Unfortunately, dating often interferes with learning about one another. We have a tendency to make dating about being entertained in each other's presence. We go to a movie, or a theme park, or a restaurant, things like that. That can be enjoyable, but it typically prevents us from having meaningful communication about things we need to know about each other.

I think it would be better, to meet with other people, more often than going out on a date. I suggest that being around people who are more experienced in life, especially people who already have long term, successful marriages. It is not the most enjoyable way to spend time perhaps, but it is a better way to learn about each other and focus on important things, than watching the latest Fast and Furious movie. Group Bible studies and prayer meetings, even getting together with others for fellowship, are better ways to get to know each other.

Group situations are better, being together as only a man and a woman, is giving opportunity to temptation. Any time spent kissing, is time spent NOT getting to know one another, and you know once you start down a path, it is hard to turn around. Stay on the true path, do not get side-tracked.

Anyway, what I wrote in answer to the question of know when one is mature enough for marriage, was this:

That is an excellent question, and I am not sure that I am wise enough to provide a good answer, but I will offer some thoughts.

First, if marriage is something you seek to do, as in something you are pursuing as a priority in your life, you may have your priorities wrong. Pleasing God, pursuing His will should be your priority.

When I say pursuing His will, I do not mean things, like "where should I live", "where should I work or go to school" or questions like that. One can pursue God's will no matter where one lives or where one works. Paul, as an example, pursued God's will from a Roman jail. Jesus did the will of the Father by dying on the cross. Paul instructs us to expect troubles and persecution and learn to be content in our circumstances. Jesus tells us to take up our cross daily, and to count persecution as something to be joyful about and count as a blessing.

So, I think that much of what we are called to, as Christians, has to do with our attitude, and our willingness to serve both God and others. If we pursue worldly pleasures as a priority, it will not be long before we go off track. This can be true even in subtle and harmless, even good things.

There is nothing wrong with things like good food, or entertainment, a shiney new car, a wonderful home, the latest smart phone, or even a wife and family. However, when any of these things, distracts us from God, or cause us to split our loyalty or to seek them first over the kingdom of God, they we have allowed them to become idols. Take note that niether Jesus nor Paul ever married.

Paul pointed out that there is a danger in being married, in that pleasing our wives, can distract us from our service to the Lord. When you think about it, the world was cursed, because one man, decided to listen to his wife over listening to God.

Paul also tells us that it is good stay single, but if a person lacks self-control then they should marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with lust. Of course, it is better to have self control, and I suggest that since self control is part of the nine-fold fruit of the Spirit, that we really have little or no excuse to not have self control. That is part of Christian maturity.

I think one way we know that we are ready for marriage, is when we have come to a place where (instead of looking for the right person) we are more concerned with being the right person.

Paul gives husbands the instruction to love our wives, as Jesus loves the church, and died for her. To translate that to human action, husband to wife, we are willing to sacrifice for her, and serve her, and most of all love her.

The problem with modern, western men, is that we have come to think of love as having warm, fuzzy, pleasurable feelings about someone. This is very distorted. Love is about serving others, sacrificing for others, seeking the well being of others.

As much as it appeals to our flesh to live with a woman and enjoy the benefits of marriage, it is more loving to seek her well being, doing what is best for her instead of cooperating with her in fulfilling mutual pleasure.

I believe grounded Christian women, and grounded Christian men, recognize that men have been assigned the role of being the spiritual leader of the couple. That is not something that we hold over our spouse, as some sort of boss or authority, it about being wise, caring, and wanting the best for her, and nurturing her relationship with God. A functional couple is not spending all of their lives, gazing into each others eyes, it is looking outward (and upward), in the same direction.

I think also, that we not only need to seek being the right person for our spouse, we should seek a spouse that is right for us. They do not need to be perfect, and certainly things like appearance are extremely low on the priority list. People who are of good character, who both love the Lord first over all, are great candidates for each other. That can take a lot of patience, but to settle for too little, will lead to the people in a relationship, dragging each other down when they should be pulling in the same direction.

A couple like that can accomplish a lot for the kingdom of God, and will have a very fulfilling relationship if they can manage to maintain that focus.

Take some time to familiarize yourself with 1 Cor, chapter 7, and 1 Cor, chapter 13. Meanwhile, I shall pray for you, and suggest that you not be to shy, to ask others to do so as well.

  • This is Worthy 1
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Guest Myrtle&Palm


Amen! Thank you for this. As a single woman who is waiting for the person The L-rd wants, this has affirmed my beliefs.

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As a single Christian man who comes from an under privlidged back ground I see a wife as something to be earned. Like a reward for treating women good and working hard. However I don't even have a girlfriend nor could I afford her fathers expectations, so I have been trying to cook up some brownie points by increasing my education and becoming a better artist.. and that's what I am an artist.. Jesus I pray a Goood women is earned by me soon, I need the affection of tender arms and a special careing spirit.. other than my mom... amen...


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Yeshua's bride is the church. As believers (Jew or Gentile), 2Thess 5:22 says to Keep back from every form of wickedness. This especially includes allowing oneself to be set up to possibly fornicate. There is a sure-fire way to avoid fornication. Do not allow yourself to be alone with any unrelated adult of the opposite sex. It really is that simple, laughably so. While you cannot go back in time, you can from "this day" forward save your body for your future legal (marriage licensed) husband or wife.  :)

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Hi Omegaman, Blessings. Though I am married, I was still interested in seeing what you had to share. I like the encouragement you give, that marriage is a lifetime commitment. I like what you said about taking the time to get to know one another before getting married, and not just spend time being entertained. Finding out later may just be too late; especially if a person enters into marriage knowing that the decision that has been made, is a lifetime commitment. 

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I have been with my husband for 8 years but married 2 years and we have a lot of problems. I am christian and he says he believes in God but not in hell. He won't go to church with me and he refuses to listen to any music in the car with me that is christian. I think that I wanted to be married to him because I love him but I wasn't trying to find a like minded person as far as values go. This is a mistake that many people make. I am married and I pray about our marriage and I don't know what to do. I think that if I would have been patient like we are suppose to then I would have done things different. Sometimes we chose someone even though they are not what is good for us then we fall in love ant put up with way more than we should. Now I feel as though I can't divorce and that I need to have faith. It is a mess. Take time and listen to the lord.


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In the beginning the Lord saw that it was NOT good for man to be alone and made the woman from the other half of him. This is the first instance in the Bible where it says something God made was NOT good. REPEAT it is NOT GOOD for man to be alone! Listen to God, what did he say. It is NOT good for man to be alone. This was before the fall. God designed marriage into the original man and woman as equal partners ..the woman was NOT originally designed to desire her husband that was the curse. She is to desire God. Who are we to tell God he had it wrong. Many people do not understand Gods purpose of marriage not even Paul. Marriage is divinely made. Sex was made to pleasure our partner with ones spouse, it makes us desire and fall in love with our spouse, it is inner healing and bonding, it stops people that have very high sex drive, it leads us together down a path to self-sacrifice. The two are bound into one. It forces us to put another before ourselves. Many people in church have NOT been born again and they do not know it. The born again experience lets the Holy Spirit into us and He works all those inner demons out. It can take many years in desert experiences to release these demons. Trust me marriage will push you so you grow, and whatever is in the heart will come out. Many in church have NOT had the continual inner cleansing one needs to be in a strong christian marriage. That is why our lives seem so hard both partners need to work out their own soul. Sometimes the Lord will take a marriage and separate them because He desires them to KNOW his love. Personal relationship with Jesus and salvation is first, which looks really bad on the outside sometimes. If God allows, they return to the marriage, but now it is a marriage made from God. Each spouse needs their relationship with God to unconditionally love our spouse; otherwise we demand from our spouse what they do not have. Man +woman+without God= burns to ash. Man +woman+God=burns to gold(sanctification). Mark 9:48-49, "In hell the worm does not die; the fire is never put out. Every person will be salted with fire." Jesus promises all will go through the fire whether single or married. Be grateful and give thanks in all situations. Abide with Christ.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 New International Version (NIV)

Two are better than one,
    because they have a good return for their labor:
10 If either of them falls down,
    one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
    and has no one to help them up.
11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
    But how can one keep warm alone?
12 Though one may be overpowered,
    two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

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