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Knowing if we are marriage ready

Recently a young man asked me how one knows when one is mature enough for marriage. I responded to him, with some thoughts that went beyond his specific question. I am about to include my reply here. I should add though that some of these principles are for men and women both, and can also be considered in other aspect of life in addition to marriage.

Also, I would like to add, that before getting married, I think it is wise (in terms of human wisdom, not Biblical revelation) for people to consider carefully the idea of being established as individuals before starting life in marriage. Finances, careers, education, and other skill in living, can go a long way to reducing the stresses that marriages can encounter. When considering marriage, good, Christian, pre-marital counseling can be a very good thing.

Try not to start off a marriage with financial problems. Learn about another before learning about them in marriage. Be aware that people often put their best foot forward during courtship, and then become lazy in marriage, revealing their true character. Be careful people, this is a life long commitment,and you do not want to make mistakes here.

In my country (U.S.A.), it has become common practice to engage in a ritual we call dating. Unfortuneatly, dating often interferes with learning about one another. We have a tendency to make dating about being entertained in each other's presense. We go to a movie, or a theme park, or a restaurant, things like that. That can be enjoyable, but it typically prevents us from having meaningful communication about things we need to know about each other.

I think it would be better, to meet with other people, more often than going out on a date. I suggest that being around people who are more experienced in life, especially people who already have long term, sucessful marriages. It is not the most enjoyable way to spend time perhaps, but it is a better way to learn about each other, and focus on important things, than watching the latest Fast and Furious movie. Group Bible studies and prayer meetings, even getting together with others for fellowship, are better ways to get to know each other.

Group situations are better, being together as only a man and a woman, is giving opportunity to temptation. Any time spent kissing, is time spent NOT getting to know one another, and you know, once you start down a path, it is hard to turn around. Stay on the true path, do not get side-tracked.

Anyway, what I wrote in answer to the question of know when one is mature enough for marriage, was this:

That is an excellent question, and I am not sure that I am wise enough to provide a good answer, but I will offer some thoughts.

First, if marriage is something you seek to do, as in something you are persuing as a priotiry in your life, you may have your priotites wrong. Pleasing God, pursuing His will should be your priority.

When I say pursuing His will, I do not mean things, like "where should I live", "where should I work or go to school" or questions like that. One can pursue God's will no matter where one lives or where one works. Paul, as an example, pursued God's will from a Roman jail. Jesus did the will of the Father by dieing on the cross. Paul instructs us to expect troubles and persecution and learn to be content in our circumstances. Jesus tells us to take up our cross daily, and to count persecution as something to be joyful about and count as a blessing.

So, I think that much of what we are called to, as Christians, has to do with our attitude, and our willingness to serve, both God and others. If we pursue worldly pleasures as a priority, it will not be long before we go off track. This can be true even in subtle and harmless, even good things.

There is nothing from with things like good food, or entertainment, a shiney new car, a wonderful home, the latest smart phone, or even a wife and family. However, when any of these things, distracts us from God, or cause us to split our loyalty or to seek them first over the kingdom of God, they we have allowed them to become idols. Take note that niether Jesus nor Paul ever married.

Paul pointed out that there is a danger in being married, in that pleasing our wives, can distract us from our service to the Lord. When you think about it, the world was cursed, because one man, decided to listen you his wife over listening to God.

Paul also tells us that it is good stay single, but if a person lacks self-control then the should marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with lust. Of course, it is better to have self control, and I suggest that since self control is part of the nine-fold fruit of the Spirit, that we really have little or no excuse to not have self control. That is part of Christian maturity.

I think one way we know that we are ready for marriage, is when we have come to a place where (instead of looking for the right person) we are concerned with being the right person.

Paul gives husbands the intruction to love our wives, as Jesus loves the church, and died for her. To translate that to human action, husband to wife, we are willing to sacrifice for her, and serve her, and most of all love her.

The problem with modern, western men, is that we have come to think of love as having warm, fuzzy, pleasurable feelings about someone. This is very distorted. Love is about serving others, sacrificing for others, seeking the well being of others.

As much as it appeals to our flesh to live with a woman and enjoy the benefits of marriage, it is more loving to seek her well being, doing what is best for her instead of cooperating with her in fulfilling mutual pleasure.

I believe grounded Christian women, and grounded Christian men, recognize that men have been assigned the role of being the spiritual leader of the couple. That is not something that we hold over our spouse, as some sort of boss or authority, it about being wise, caring, and wanting the best for her, and nurturing her realtionship with God. A functional couple is not spending all of their lives, gazing into each others eyes, it is looking outward (and upward), in the same direction.

I think also, that we not only need to seek being the right person for our spouse, we should seek a spouse that is right for us. They do not need to be perfect, and certainly things like appearance are extremely low on the priotity list. People who are of good character, who both love the Lord first over all, are great candidates for each other. That can take a lot of patience, but to settle for too little, will lead to the people in a relationship, dragging each other down when they should be pulling in the same direction.

A couple like that can accomplish a lot for the kingdom of God, and will have a very fulfilling relationship if they can manage to maintain that focus.

Take some time to familiarize yourself with 1 Cor, chapter 7, and 1 Cor, chapter 13. Meanwhile, I shall pray for you, and suggest that you not be to shy, to ask others to do so as well.


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11 Comments


Guest Myrtle&Palm

Posted

Amen! Thank you for this. As a single woman who is waiting for the person The L-rd wants, this has affirmed my beliefs.

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As a single Christian man who comes from an under privlidged back ground I see a wife as something to be earned. Like a reward for treating women good and working hard. However I don't even have a girlfriend nor could I afford her fathers expectations, so I have been trying to cook up some brownie points by increasing my education and becoming a better artist.. and that's what I am an artist.. Jesus I pray a Goood women is earned by me soon, I need the affection of tender arms and a special careing spirit.. other than my mom... amen...

 

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Shalom,

Yeshua's bride is the church. As believers (Jew or Gentile), 2Thess 5:22 says to Keep back from every form of wickedness. This especially includes allowing oneself to be set up to possibly fornicate. There is a sure-fire way to avoid fornication. Do not allow yourself to be alone with any unrelated adult of the opposite sex. It really is that simple, laughably so. While you cannot go back in time, you can from "this day" forward save your body for your future legal (marriage licensed) husband or wife.  :)

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Hi Omegaman, Blessings. Though I am married, I was still interested in seeing what you had to share. I like the encouragement you give, that marriage is a lifetime commitment. I like what you said about taking the time to get to know one another before getting married, and not just spend time being entertained. Finding out later may just be too late; especially if a person enters into marriage knowing that the decision that has been made, is a lifetime commitment. 

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Yes, the Lord wants us to know Him first and then other relationships!

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