shoofly08

Thanks Desi, you actually read the whole thing. I tend to write WAY too much and scare people away. haha. Like you mentioned though, it's kinda like journalling for me. Gets my thoughts out there. Prayer is a big issue right now. I am blessed to have so many people praying for me but it's not the same as hearing it. When my Dad was sick I had friends who actually would call longdistance to pray over the phone and then they would pray for me via facebook everynight before I went to sleep, gave me such peace. And lots of people would pray with us at the hospital and then when Dad was at home. I know they are all still praying for us but I just feel kinda lost. I have talked to God lots and thanked him cuz I am sure aware of how blessed I am midst all this but haven't really asked for anything since my Dad died. Even with my brother's marriage falling apart I ask others to start a prayer chain cuz I keep just remembering how hard and long I prayed for my Dad. And when I'm depressed, prayers have never really come for me, I know he is aware anyways which I am thankful for and I know even though I can['t feel him doesn't mean he's not there, it's just the fog of depression which is a lie. But after 2 months going on 3 of depression, I'm really starting to lose hope that it'll go away. I know it will but it doesn't feel like it will. Depression makes me focused on myself and my grief and I miss oppurtunites to help others. And I know the guilt is another symptom of depression I go through everytime but it gets relly tiring not being able to control my emotions. They run wild and no logic can change em. Depression has lasted many months more than this in the past but that doesn't really help give me much hope right now...

When I'm not depressed and distracting myself then I have to deal with the grief. I'm getting there though it still hurts like hell. Got Kris from church signed on now as some sort of mentor for me or something. Counselling is not gonna help right now making it all about me or whatever. Christian counselling on the other hand...I can list all the good things to come outta it and know Dad is completely healed and restored and not in pain. But it hurts so dam much and I prayed so dam hard and if God is as amazing and powerful as I know he is, he could have done these good things other ways. I know I'll never know the answers and trust God with whatever comes in the future. Not worried about anything, even if we have to move. But still mad that he let it happen. Satan and humans pigheadnesses caused all this brokenness but God could have prevented it. I just want my Dad and get very focused on myself. Church has adopted me know too. Apparently I am know administration...Now sure when I agreed to that but Friday mornings I fold the bulletins and make coffee and even do the prayer over the church directory and have me pray for some of the people as well. I'm telling you they are keeping a close eye on me. Father's day I cried the entire church service then slept until 5pm...I was glad to be at church though. it's very comforting now. For a while it seemed normal not having Dad around but my depression is lifting, not quite gone but getting there, and now of course I have feelings again...When I'm depressed it's almost impossible to put my thoughts and feelings into words despite how bad I may want to communicate. Easier to "show" people I guess so they feel a bit of what I'm feeling. https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10151700372136136&l=4357897968039702171 Dad got sick in December, pre-leukemia the doctors think and possible other kinds of cancer not detected. It moved so fast. We cared for him at home, there were no treatments to help and he hates the hospital. He passed away March 2nd so it's been four months today. I struggle to talk to others because I feel guilty for still being mad about it. I have seen SOOO much good come out of it and seen at ;east 5 people come to Christ during his last days. My Dad's cousin Lloyd passed away last month from the same condition. We rent our house which is currently up for sale. My older brother is getting a divorce and has had a kidney stone for the last 2 weeks. Both David and Nicki have lost so much weight from the stress. David has been trying so hard to follow God but Nicki refuses to try and fix their marriage. It's tearing the kids apart the atmosphere is so toxic so David is seeing a divorce lawyer but trying to continue to seek God through it all. Kailey at 17 refuses to have anything to do with her Mom who has pulled away from everyone and faith and spends every weekend partying. I just want her to wake up before she loses the relationship she has with her other 2 kids. Cole 13 is starting to get annoyed with his Mom and Haidyn 9 is constantly in tears and stressed. My aunt who has been doing amazing for years on the same meds is now struggling for bipolar depression. My grandpa is getting dementia and is getting weaker and is miserable with everyone. God blessed me with allowing me to be at my best for my Dad's last months, feeling happy and myself. The bipolar is back is full swing now and lost sight of hope that depression is only temporary. What a year. Honestly cannot see how anyone could make it through any of this without God's strength to stay standing and his hold on your hand to keep your feet from falling, one step at a time. I don't wanna be depressed anymore. I want to feel close to God again without thinking this isn't fair because although I don't understand his ways I really do trust his judgment. Much more reliable than mine when I'm up one moment and down the next. He sent his son to die on the cross and my Dad is now completely healed and restored in heaven. The best thing I could ask for besides one more day with him. Though I know all this and believe all this, I still have all these jumbled up feelings inside. I know being bipolar makes me more susceptible to depression and I'm in the middle of grieving. But I feel like I'm letting God down...

Any tried and tested tips for doing things you know you should be doing because you know they help but don't feel like doing anyways? I need to start exercising again, yoga, eating better, and journalling. Problem is I currently have very little enjoyment, motivation, and concentration. I'm starting to get mad at myself. Help anyone? I need to start brushing and flossing my teeth again too....<embarrassing...>

Just finished summarazing my past few months. Been a while since I've spend a lot of time on here. If anyone is interested: http://perseveranceinhim.blogspot.com/ Could really use prayer. Being asked to do something completely out of my comfort zone at church. I'm so glad God knows what he's doing because I have absolutely no idea! If this is the role he wants to use me though in church to work through I just pray he helps me let go of my former project that I have been so emotionally invested in for the past few years. Always kinda scary taking on new responsibilities when I have no idea how my mood will react. Had a couple crazy months but now its time to start work again. I'm really hoping my anxiety doesn't go up because of it. If it does I might have to consider another job but even the though of resumes and interviews and the unknown is gonna cuz crazy anxiety. Oh well, it's all in God's hands now, His Will be done, because Lord knows I trust his judgement SO much more than mine!!! if you do choose to help out in the church i would let them know that you have a medical condition and sometimes you might have to leave church suddenly because of the illness- they dont have to know you have bipolar- tell them it's personal and thank them for not prying into your personal life well thats what i would do if i were you- i had to do that myself before I don't tell everyone but I have told a lot of people. It can be extremely awkward at first but I feel much more relief after they know, for example my professors, bosses, and people at my church. I usually try and explain that I usually do a good job at fighting my symptoms but I also need them to know some days I can't work and it also helps when they know what I need. For example, short notice can send me into a panic very fast, even if it's something very simple like going to the movies with friends or helping in Sunday school. I need at least a few days warning. Sometimes decisions can be hard for me too, so they also know I like it when it certain situations they just tell me what they need. I have been very blessed, everyone in my life has been very understanding. Most might not know bipolar so much, but almost everyone has experienced or has a partner who has experienced depression. I agree, no one should have to explain what they are not comfortable with sharing, but it does take away a lot of the anxiety when they understand-you have more freedom. At least I used to always wonder at my work-daycare-when I took a day off "sick" what they were thinking. I can just tell them now if I can't make it in and leave it at that. I actually had a problem when I was working at my job at the gas station. I would get overwhelmed and have a lot of anxiety and I wouldn't feel safe. There were times I had to walk outside and go cry in my car. Every since I left the gas station, I am having a hard time finding a job. I even went back to school to get my medical assistant certification and nobody is hiring. I've applied for disability but my doctor is taking forever to fill out the paperwork. In fact I am going to have to go in next week and leave him a note to fill it out. I can't find a job anywhere. . I enjoyed doing sunday school for the 3 year olds. They were such a bundle of joy. Hopefully when I find a new church I can get involved there. Thanks for sharing. =) I really miss my support group in abbotsford when I was going to college there. It was called Living Room- a faith based support group for mood disorders, anxiety, depression, and bipolar. Back home for now in small town for almost 3 months now. Sometimes start to feel very alone and isolated. Not many young people-I'm going to try attending a College and Career at another church during the week=when I work up the guts. I love my small church but no one really close to my age. My friends from college are about 5 hours away and pretty busy with exams and papers. My friends from highschool have pretty much all moved away. I have 1 friend still here but I have not seen him since I've been back. He won't respond right now so I thinl he's drinking again. I have not had anyone I felt like I can explain my week to in a long time. Reading your post reminded me so much of what I have gone through it was sure comforting to feel not alone. I've only worked 4 days so far at daycare-LONG days but I have enjoyed it. I'm still kinda scared though and walking on eggshells waiting for my first early morning panic attack. I hate the driving to work crying, sitting in the bathroom just to get a grip, barely holding it together during lunch, and then finally breaking down the second my car door closes after work and crying the whole way home. 3 years old are so adorable! I hope you get the chance to work with them again-they help me smile even when my skin hurts all over from anxiety. I'm sorry about your job hunt... =( Work is pretty slow here too-my brother got layed off again because it's just so slow. I'm lucky everyone at the daycare is sick so often so I can sub. PLus one of the regulars just retired. I'm only doing 3 days a week right now if they need me. I don't want to overdue it, especially on top of all the time I'm putting in at my church. I don't know if I can work a fulltime job anymore, I mean I could manage for a month or two probably. But then what...I got disability status while at school, got to take less courses and was allowed a few more "sick" days than most students. My exam schedule was also very flexible. I just found out about the disiblity money you can get for not being able to work fulltime so I'm going to attempt to fill it out and see my doctor. It would really help. I don't really have any idea where my life is heading anymore- I used to have plans but not anymore- I figure God knows what he's doing though. That's more reassuring than my plans anyways. Good luck finding a job! I hope you are able to find one that you are able to enjoy most of the time and somewhere with understanding and caring people. <3

can read in detail what I've been up to on my blog if interested. HARD week. work for the next 3 days. trying to pull myself together. hard to understand why I can't enjoy things I used to love before all this. oh well, I've made it through before so I know I can. Just wish it wasn't so hard. I used to enjoy work. Didn't have to worry about mini morning panic attacks and shingle-like pain. Blah! dinners ready-gotta go.

I'm slowly weening myself off my laptop to focus on God, spending less and less time online and not really missing it. I love writing though, the old fashioned kind with pen and paper, snail mail, anyone interesting in becoming penpals with a bipolariod who would love some God fearing bipolar penpals or even just God fearing friends. Message me if you are interested. 4 more days of school.

That was beautifully written. I usually write on my college, christ and bipolar post now.

My brother was very dedicated to God when he was young, got baptised at a very early age. He drifted away during highschool, moved out after graduation and made some unwise choices. Started partying with fake ids and drinking, moved in with a girl, got dumped by girl 8 times which usually resulted in him getting drunk and cutting himself. =( Moved back home and spend a year doing nothing-tired of working in all the fast food places, been let go from a few of them becasuse he's opininated, got let go from McDonalds because he slipped on water and his hand went in deep fryer for nuggets! OUCH! They where mad he filed for workers compensation. Spent a lot of times with random girls. Got to the point he couldn't leave the house. Spent all day gaming. He has ADHD. He's not willing yet to see his psychiatrist and be honest or see his councelor. It really affects his life in ways he can't see. He does pot every night and feels that is no different than medication and he's addicted to smoking now too. He got a job at Kal-Tire which he LOVED. Mechanics inspired him. He worked hard, they loved him. End of summer his mustang-his prize and joy he bought from his former girlfriend-caught on fire and blew up. He was popping the hood because it wasn't running properly. I grabbed my 2 dogs and booked it. Damian lost it till evening and then he was doing great-he had just been hired that morning. Bought a new mustang real cheap-a fixer upper that never panned out. Bought another mustang cheap which isn;t running at the moment but is in much better condition and an easy fix if he gets around to it. He crashed the camperized Van into the snow bank yesterday and it shook him up pretty good. Last week he injured himself at work, they wanted him to work anyways, he tried but the finger got infected and doctor told him not to work for a week, they were mad. His 21st borthday was on the 17th. I just found out this morning that they fired him for being unreliable. I'm away from school and having a hard time not crying. When he were kids and my brother got grounded, I cried every time. Please please please dedicate some time to pray for Damian and that God will use ALL OF THIS to get his attention and show him that his world isn't over. That there is purpose in God and that God is with him. Please pray for Damian. I've decided to fast for Damian while I pray for him. He needs God more than ever right now. This whole mess could end up being the best thing that has ever happened in his life if he is able to rededicate his life to God. Nobody can make that decision for him. Damian needs to choose for himself. Damian needs to come to God on his terms. Damian needs to ask for help when he's ready for us to help him. I just want God to do whatever it takes to get his attention-like with Saul-because God has been pursuing Damian his whole life. I want the HS to work in him now and fill him like he's never been filled before. Please, please join me in praying for Damian.

My exams went GREAT!! I'll let you know when I get my grades back. Last few days have been hard. Able to do some homework slowly today which is encouraging. =) [The councellor here at school didn't work. I don't have deep childhood issues I need to discuss. She has know idea how to answer my questions about bipolar. I don't talk a lot and she is unable to read me. She doesn't pray with me or give me scripture to read. I stopped going. She felt she wasn't helping me either. My counsellor back home is not Christian but he's fantastic. Without me saying a thing he can read my body language. He gets me to write a lot which comes much more naturally to me and he knows a lot more about mental illnessess. He can pinpoint what's bothering me too-even made me cry once...While I'm at school I have Worthy Christian and I email my parents everynight. It's my journalling, sorting thoughts time and plus it lets other in. My mom has been researching bipolar like crazy and has known me my whole life so she is pretty good at getting right down to the heart of the issue as well. Knows what to say to make me cry. Haha.]

Been working for 2 years on finding right combo of drugs....Long long long process.....But it is getting easier, slowly but surely. I'm making a new thread in "Have a problem? Looking for Advice?" titled "College, Christ, and Bipolar." Please send me a personal message or post on the mentioned new thread if you wish to speak to me. Shalom!!!

Thanks everyone! Bill, I pray your daughter finds some true friends where she is! Part 1 of my exam today at 1:00. 86 MC questions. Anything from Joshua-Esther is fairgame. Took Ativan yesterday in the morning and was actually able to enjoy my day studying. I find everything I am studying and learning about fascinating. I'm not nervous about the MC. I'm not expecting to Ace it. There are only so many kings I can remember at one time but I'm ready to see what I know. I have to write a short book report paper tonight on Foster's, "Simplicity." Once I start typing words on thr page my anxiety should go away over that as well. Tuesday I have classes. Thursday I have my major OT exam. Stages 5-13 (Exodos-Foreign takeover). We get 13 sheets of blank paper to write out what I remember. Intense but it`s also my favorite class. Thanks everyone for the prayers and words of encouragement. I feel good-stable today, with exception of anxiety but I`m hoping that will go away soon.

Thank you very much Marc! How has your week been going? HAHA! Thanks nChrist! You made my day. And yes I agree, I'm gonna knock those exams outta the ball park!!! =D

Thank you all so much for ALL the prayers!!I feel fantastic today! I have a few threads going when I first started but I'm mainly connecting with all the same people so it seems silly to be updating my status on each one. I'm therefore going to consolodate them all... I'm making a new thread in "Have a problem? Looking for Advice?" titled "College, Christ, and Bipolar." Please send me a personal message or post on the mentioned new thread if you wish to speak to me. Shalom!!!

Thank you all so much for ALL the prayers!!I feel fantastic today! I have a few threads going when I first started but I'm mainly connecting with all the same people so it seems silly to be updating my status on each one. I'm therefore going to consolodate them all... I'm making a new thread in "Have a problem? Looking for Advice?" titled "College, Christ, and Bipolar." Please send me a personal message or post on the mentioned new thread if you wish to speak to me. Shalom!!!