lostandconfused2

I did get a grip on some of the things said here Joi, problem is I get lost in the pain and lose my focus, right now I'm focused again its like a roller coaster ride , some days I can get through it and some days I'm ready to jump on the nearest cliff and am barely hanging on by a nail. Thats how I ended up posting, was having a jump off the cliff days, I thank God for you guys being here. I really do.

From my understanding there was no communication in his family, they just existed, I don't believe there was love or affection given or received. work was always the focus never relationships within the family. I imagine he lived in silence alot, He did not get along with his parents, felt used . I don't know if he even felt loved. I can understand that had to be traumatic in its own way.

I don't think my husband wants to be cold I think he has his own demons he battles, maybe from the way he was raised. I do know he isn't willing to learn new ways, and until he is willing there isn't much hope other then to hang tight. right? thanks for the virtual hug , I'm glad I shared, I was scared to because I wasn't sure I could handle the input I might get, I do talk to a christian lady and she keeps telling me God is character building with me to hang tight. I do talk to the Pastor occasionally and he knows both sides and is at a loss why this continues other then my husband heart is hardened to the point he can't receive the lesson God is trying to teach both of us. and we will continue the cycle til the light bulb goes on. someone want to flip that switch for us? apparently we can't see in the dark to well to find it ourselves. (just kidding, well maybe not)

my husband is emotionally/mentally abusive, in the past it was sometimes physical, now just mentally/emotional, to be honest I would rather be beat up then hear the things he says, wounds heal, words replay over and over in my head. and Thankyou for the scripture, I think I'm going to make it a picture and make it my background screen on my pc for the time being, it was very comforting.

I'm going to work on not owning that sin no longer and letting it consume me, Psalms 103 12 As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us. there is a song that has this in it that just brings me to tears, I often need reminded because I beat myself up all the time over things In your shoes I think I would tell God that I do not trust my husband and what he does, so I am going to trust You [God] for him and his behavior. Then act as if everything is in the hands of God because it is - you just put it there. As long as you grovel at your husbands feet begging for forgiveness is just how long he will hold that power over you. Let it go. God has forgiven you, now your husband must make a decision as to his actions I think I need to do exactly that, Let it go , if my husband can't forgive me, I will need to find away to let that go also, if he chooses to justify his lack of commitment and desire to make this marriage work, I need to let that go also and just give it to God and make sure I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing and following God. I know I will have days i'm weak on this so bare with me if I have a meltdown.

Two questions: How old are your children? Is your husband a believer? They are grown up now, thankfully. Yes my husband is a believer, He knows alot about the bible. I have no family that can help me through any of it, I'm always the one that helps and supports everyone else but alone in my own endeavors, the truth is they all say leave him and stay gone and ask me how do I let him continue to treat me that way , even the kids say he has no love in him, I don't even have to tell anyone what is going on, they see his interaction or lack there of when were together. It was like this before anything ever happened, it is no different now, other then now he can justify his behaviors. as for me, through all of this I've changed, the walls are down that I had built up to survive and adapt and I'm more vulnerable then ever, I have tried to apply what I have learned through counseling to no affect . I know I hurt my husband and can never undo that, I know I will never do that again I would rather die, I hate what it has done to me and my family and my self worth. I even hate going anywhere that I may know people, because all I can imagine is them thinking there is the "cheater" I'll never be able to hold my head up again. I also am aware thats the demons trying to keep me from believing in Gods grace. I continually try to keep in mind on how my husband must feel, yet at the same time i'm being beaten down by the lack of affection and communication that builds a relationship up. I'm trying to live by faith, the emotional pain gets so heavy at times I just want God to take this burden from me because I do believe most days I'm not strong enough to bare it. ​Have you ever gotten so beat down feel so alone and vulnerable that if a someone came up and hugged you , you would just break down because you went without that human touch/interaction for so long that your body just screams for it? Thats how I lived each day before the affair years ago, and thats how I live today. I want to believe this is all going to work out, God has a plan, the only thing I beg for is God to give me comfort and the strength to bare this on a daily basis. I have told God I could not bare it then and because of that I failed, now I'm having to endure it all over again. I thank each of your for your input, I'm grateful for each and every word, I want to grow stronger in my faith and learn from my mistakes, sometimes we cant see what were doing and constructive criticism and input can sometimes hopefully more often the not get us turned in the right direction. Right now I have to work on believing God does love me , he has a plan .

I know that, he refuses the counseling, how do you get near a resolution when the other party don't participate,or even wants to reconize his part in the marriage breakdown, I went but the pastor basically told me without him the counseling isnt going to work. It takes 2 people to make things work. I feel hopeless , been on my knees until my knees are sore. I truly feel hopeless. He wants the marriage to work but no participation on putting it back together. or take any responsibility on putting it back together. I've begged, cried, yelled screamed, prayed and prayed some more. I want to keep my vows, make things right with God and seek his will but having difficulties with the obstacles. its emotionally wearing me down.

I'm new, well new to posting been reading for a bit now. I'm going to put this out, I am not proud of what I'm about to share and I am very ashamed. I don't even know where to begin to be honest with you. I have been married for many years, I loved my husband ever so much but from almost from the beginning he had lost my trust, from the things he said to the things he would do or say and belittled me to the point I lost my confidence in myself . He is not a evil man but was not a very nice person at times and it effected me deeply. Through out the years we just basically lived in the same house with really no relationship, I took care of the kids, He took care of himself. I grew resentful and angry and felt betrayed everytime I caught him with porn. I felt cheated on as if he actually did the deed. I would forgive but it left a hole so deep in me that I could never fill. I could never gain his favor. I gave my life to God a few years ago and I tried with all my might to believe and continue, but the emotions over took me and I failed, and gave up believing God didn't really love me, tried to going back to church and had this wall I could not get through, felt like I lost my chance at God and gave up again. I felt unloved in so many ways that I don't even think I could even put it in words if I tried.This is where it gets bad, I ended up becoming friends with someone and he gave me the attention that I so craved, finally someone believed in me, cared about me was interested in what I had to say, treated me like I was important. , and I had a affair, I separated with my husband and believed it didn't matter, he never needed me anyway he would be happy without me, he didn't really love me anyway, if he did it was the best kept secret ever. I did realize later that I had made a mistake, I was convicted from God and worked on straightening my life out. At one time my husband wanted me to return, I tried but wasn't ready, had alot of emotional scars and he wasn't willing to do counseling, He has said he has forgiven me but when any conflict comes up its thrown in my face. I have been honest with him and I keep trying to be the good wife. I'm failing all over again. I don't want the life I had with him before, it was lonely so unbearable lonely. I'm trying to do the right things make better choices, turn the other cheek , seek God daily, but the man has me close to tears regularly, I realize theres alot of healing that needs to take place, trust rebuilt, but what do you do when I'm the adulterer and I will never make that mistake again ( I haven't even forgiven myself quite yet) and he is known to not tell the truth and continues to not always tell the truth make things look deceptive to this day, so trust has to be built on both ends. I can't do nothing right , never could , from the beginning the money was his money or my money, he made the important decisions and I'd be considered lucky if he even let me in on it, usually found out about it after, its still that way. I do feel God led me back because this is part of his plan, but its unbearable and the pain inflicted on me keeps taking my eyes off God and I am getting angry and resentful all over again. Im going to be honest here , since I have been back I am dealing with major depression its a daily battle to overcome it, and he will do something that sends me over the edge with no concern for how or what he does affects me. I wished I had the power to not let any of it affect me, but I don't. and I'm finding myself at a struggle again . I understand if some of you want to say I deserve whatever I get, at one time in my life I would of felt the same way. I never set out to be someone that had a affair, the loneliness overcame me , I believe everyone wants to be loved and cared about and I fell for the devils lies because now I don't even feel worthy of Gods love, and I'll probally never gain my husbands favor again, who I have always loved but truly felt he didn't love me by his actions and his deeds. so I went from the unlovable one to the really unlovable one who can't be trusted. I know I can be trusted now, I learned alot from my experience, but don't ever expect him to believe that, and now uses it as justification to treat me poorly, I think I would understand better if he wasn't like that before it all happened but its just like before it happened but now he has a reason. I'm at a loss on how to continue without it destroying whats left of me. I want to do the right thing but I'm afraid the damage being inflicted on me could cost me my soul in the end.

Thanks! I'm going to check it out.