Just having turned 40 years old a couple of months ago feels like a huge burden on my shoulders that keep getting bigger and bigger. I feel like the whole world is out to get me. I've been married for the 2nd time for 1 year (my first husband passed away unexpectedly 5 years ago). I feel like I have the weight of the entire world on me; from helping my mom who doesn't drive or speak English, to secretly dealing with my step-daughter who is acting up and getting in trouble with the law, to trying to keep my husband in line and away from his crazy, dangerous past, to dealing with chronic illness and continuous pain; to dealing with not been able to have kids; to all kinds of financial problems. And those are just the things that are going on right now, there are plenty more things I've had to endure in my entire life. All those pains, all those troubles make me feel like I am always chasing an ounce of happiness that will never be attained. I look up to God and I ask, why so much, why all the time and all I hear is silence. Whether He forgot about me or He's giving me the silent treatment, I don't understand. Giving up is all I can think about, but even in giving up I'm letting Him down and doing what He doesn't want me to do, I guess.
But what other way out is there from all this pain, all this suffering, all this craziness? If we are all going to die at the end, why try to avoid the inevitable. How can I learn to live without caring? Without giving a second thought to my mother's situation, to the relationship with my brother, to the relapses my husband continues to have over and over. When there are no shattered dreams only because there's no strength to even dream, how can you find the strength to go on.
I guess all I can ask, is how do I end the suffering when He shines his face away from me all the time.
