kbrown2013

Just a quick update: text convo just now is answered prayer: Him: Pray for me. Everyone but me has a tv, all walk ups, easy sales. And I have had billing issues all morning, just trying to remain positve Me:Praying now. God provides...which should take the pressure off of you, just work as if you are working for the lord, and he will honor that. Thanks for your hard work and allowing me to be home with the kids. Him:I miss u guys, I don't see or spend time with u or our kids enough. Darn retail. Me:I know. We miss u too. :-( Him: Realized I hadn't seen Averly or Aiden for like 2 days. God is good.

The way I FEEL right now is that I am no different now than I was as a single mom except I am taking care of more people... And I am working on changing this mindset to see my OPPORTUNITIES in caring for more people, but I fight resenting a husband that won't lead us or stand by my side in life. I am here because I want to seek God's will for my family but feel that my partner is holding me back instead of being equally yoked and seeking the kingdom with me. I have enjoyed reading each encouraging and challenging response. I have faith that God is growing me, and that He will take care of us. I just want better for us. I don't know if that's right or wrong but it feels like it's right when I see what power we could have for God's kingdom if we were healthier happier and cared for as a family. We could change peoples lives. I want my ceiling in life to be the floor my kids stand on. And I want to serve God alongside my husband rather than listen to him complain about the life he has, feel that I'm not enough for him...and try to serve God with a heavy, guilty, and broken heart. I will be praying for him continuously and I appreciate the testimony of each of you. I am committed to my own change like lady C...so admirable what you did. I plan to try my own "fast" in saying anything other than encouragement although it's not lent ;-) And I love the words used by prodigalson...so I pray I would be so wrapped up in the glory of the Lord he has to fight through it to get to me. Its weird but after something he once told a counselor, I feel like I need to show more flaws. I don't mean to sound egotistical at all because I know just how flawed I am...but My husband told our counselor that the things that drew him to me are what now drive him away...he said I am so independent and smart and loving and dedicated as a mom. He said that in marriage, it makes him feel small because he stands in my shadow and thinks I don't need him... I never thought those compliments could sting so bad. Maybe if I could change how he feels about that...he would feel needed and step into his man of the house shoes. I would love any advice to that also. Thanks to ALL who have taken time to advise: bopeep, butero, fresnojoe, cog, ladyc, prodigalson... It means a lot to me that you are concerned for our situation. And cog, I hope you don't feel any negativity for my disagreement, it is enlightening to hear from the other point of view.

Lady c...I so appreciate your response as it was much less emotionally charged than the one I originally wanted to write. Cog, My initial reaction was to defend myself by laying out the ways my husband has sinned against me. I won't fall into that though. I can only assure you that I am seeking biblical advice for more than just feeling "unloved" or unappreciated or not getting attention. I can do a marriage like that and did for years. I am really not one to nag. I am one to get frustrated when my husband is pouting or frustrated that he is the way he is without any efforts to change that. I also disagree on the role of the father. Jesus didn't simply teach and die. He LOVED. and our earthly fathers should be a sliver of the image of our heavenly father. I also believe as a parent that we teach in the teachable moments like Jesus did and that would require us being in our kids lives actively. If you tinker in the garage and wait for your child to approach you for advice...they might not give a rip about your advice because they don't know you care about them or what's beat for them. I never sought my fathers advice. But he was there to give it when I didn't want to hear it because it was his job to teach me and love me and be an example of a godly man. Be an example of a selfless hardworking man. The bible does not excuse laziness. It does not excuse being too busy for God. We see Jesus up at the crack of dawn and praying through the night frequently. He made his relationship with god first. And ultimately that's all I'm wanting for him and for my kids. Parenting is a scary responsibility because we will be held accountable for the lessons we teach our kids. I dont want my son to learn a temper or learn that he is an annoyance with the things he tells his dad. Or my daughter to learn that she has to bug her dad if she wants attention. She needs to Learn that she should be actively pursued the way Christ pursues us. No one should wonder if their dad loves them. And I personally don't think I should have to tip toe around asking him to fulfill responsibilities like shoveling the driveway when I was pregnant. I have never asked him to be homemaker. I count myself lucky when he helps me with dishes so I can tend to the kids after dinner. But I think his role as dad and husband is far more important than a dish scrubbed and a paycheck. When I was a single mom and did get assistance that was only a dish scrubbed. Why would I marry if it was to get financial help from a person instead of the government and nothing else? For the counsel you say men are for May be,,,but if you read my posts he isn't offering counsel or leadi g our home or actively seeking God eight now which is why I am concerned for him and my family. And we do not receive financial assistance. In a commission job, if one paycheck,is $1.00 over the qualifying income for assistance, you do not qualify. So while 11 months out of the year we qualify, his high sales month in retail...usually December...puts us over that limit. He has not hit 60% of his sales goals for a couple months now and without hitting 60%, he gets no commission. Back to $10 an hour to support 4. I have never been mad or nagged when he tells me he didn't hit goal. I know he is upset with himself enough as it is. But he also sees the fear in my eyes while I try to make our budget work for the month...usually pulling from a savings I established before We married.

Thank you SO much for your input. Although I see characteristics of the "cycle of abuse" theory (which is just did some research on) in our marriage...it is on BOTH of our parts. I think my husband genuinely hates that he is like this and Kinda pouts because he feels it's unfair that he has these tendencies and has to fight them so hard every day. It is heartbreaking to see him beat up on himself. Most of his anger is inward at himself. I know he feels incompetent is many ways as a man because unfortunately...I am leading our home in many ways. I know this isn't biblical and it is likely causing some of the damage. I was a single mom for so long that I was comfortable working, managing our calendar, budgeting, providing...doin it all. So when we married and he was used to being a bachelor...not a dad and husband...we just fell into these rolls. He felt I was better at them than he was anyway. But one sermon stood out to me...when the pastor said MEN...don't allow yourself to not be the head of your home. I do wish he would step up and make some decisions. He says he is easy going and just doesn't care but I wish I had a little help in calling the shots...I have to beg for some input from him usually. I think it's just easier for him to let me handle things but I also think it has killed his confidence and trust in himself. Also...the job change is dead on. We had a professional counselor recommend that sales is not for his personality because a bad sales day totally effects his mood or a good one makes him happy but for some one who's mood shifts so easiey by outside forces...a performance based income may not be a good fit. I AGREE. I will not be separating unless there become signs of real abuse. I do not consider myself abused right now although some people would consider neglect abuse I just don't. Im sure I've unintentionally neglected to love him the way I should also. Every time I think about separation my heart just stops...it would ruin everything. I do love him and hate this battle he faces and seems to have to face alone. I can't abandob him and may need to abandon my own needs for a time and rely on God alone to meet My needs for this time. Sometimes being a wife may be painful, and I think I will feel that. I do make our own baby food and cloth diaper not because of health reasons but money reasons. It was our deal when I stayed home that I would look for cost cutting opportunities while home with the jids. He sees that work and seems to appreciate it. He works hard to help with things around the house when he sees things to get done, the laziness is more prevalent during family time or when I would love to see emotional effort...conversations with our son or maybe asking about my day and participating in conversation. He is TOTALLY a person who needs time to himself, and I will need to work on seeing this. It frustrates me because he says he needs to read the bible and spend time with God to get right and that's why everything isn't well in our home... But then plays on his phone or video games instead of making god priority. He prays with me but only when we face hardship or when he sees I am truly at a loss or worried over something. I know he wants to be a good husband. Just can't seem to follow through with the actions to change because he refuses to believe they will work...

Thanks so much for these responses. I never really thought about it but I am scared we would have to separate for him to realize this isn't something he can do until I get angry,enough,and blow,up and then he says he is sorry,and,will change,for a week and the cycle continues. Its also getting harder and harder to overcome resentment when we try to repair things. He forgets instantly and I just can't. I sometimes cringe when he touches me intimately because I don't trust he is changing for the long haul and will break my heart again. As far as HOW to separate, I have no idea how. After my 2nd baby was born 6 months ago we decided I should stay home with the kids because the cost of childcare for 2 kids was what I made at my job. I don't know where I would go that wouldn't overturn my kids lives...my oldest is in school and all. I can't afford to rent a place and if he gave me child support there's no way he could pay the mortgage...we would lose our home. I suppose the only solution I see would be for him to stay on a friends couch only if it were free. I could look for odd jobs like babysitting or cleaning to pay for the extra cost of him having to eat meals out while separated. I can't decide what is worse foe the kids...having a miserable dad or the fear of us divorcing. To give you more background that complicates things...this is my 2nd marriage. My first husband went to Iraq for a year. He came home with ptsd and left my son and I. I was single for 4 years when my current husband came along. I and so many others prayed a Christian man would come along and fall in love with my son and I. We have only been married 2 years and have a 6 month old baby together. He loves her like crazy and I do know he loves my son and I too. He hates himself for being a disappointment but he also manipulates my sympathy for all his failures. I'm not sure what I could have done to prevent this. I felt clearly that God wanted this man for me and vice versa. But until we bought a ho use and had a baby and dealt with the stresses of life that no one deals with during dating... I had never seen this side of him. Sorry this is so long.

Trying to put a giant issue in a nut shell: my husband has admitted to his issues with anger, laziness, and selfishness. He either says that's the way he is and can't change or he tries reading a book, praying,or a devotional for a couple days...then says he is just this way...something is wrong with him and he can't change. We have done counseling where he listens, actively engages, agrees to the problem and solution but just won't take the steps. We can't afford counseling anymore. Especially if he refuses to do his part...it's worthless. I see my son getting his dad's anger. My husband says He doesn't have time for his devotional as he plays on his phone all night. Our kids need his love And encouragement but he seems to hate coming home and says he just can't wait for them to get in bed (I sometimes relate but after a full rough day with the kids). We have a great life but he doesn't seem to to think so. He seems miserable but not miserable enough to DO SOMETHING TO CHANGE IT. how can I submit or consider him head of our home? How can I respect him and not resent him? We struggle financially because he is in a commission job and Just has a lazy bad attitude about it. So we have very little money now, and he knows he needs a New job but has no motivation to look for one. So I do it and suggest some and he shoots them down. I have tried the encouraging approach and he thinks all is well and stays lazy. I try to motivate and he shoots me down. I try telling him how I feel and how this affects me and kids...he says I just make him feel like crap and it's not helping and loses his temper. Its just impossible...but I'm bound to him. Pray for me. I will take any advice.