Jump to content

Pro1728

Members
  • Posts

    73
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Reputation

49 Neutral

1 Follower

About Pro1728

  • Birthday 03/01/1974

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    OR

Recent Profile Visitors

1,518 profile views
  1. To both of you, don't presume that I'm not willing and open to what and wherever God leads. If I wasn't falling completely into His arms right now, I wouldn't be here. (this new state/job situation.) Obviously I'm not making myself clear to either of you. I don't need your approval anyway. I just didn't want Godlovesme to hear this when it sounded like, "Buck up and have more faith." Whispers, you've no idea how much I've grown and strengthen in this as 1 Peter and James 1 would say. I certainly wouldn't make assumptions on what God is saying to you and where your heart is with Him. But never mind. This isn't particularly worthwhile. I really only came here to check on my friend.
  2. I don't think that "For better or for worse, in sickness and in health" includes staying in a situation that is so toxic that it damages mental, emotional, and spiritual health--all effecting physical health. I cannot believe that a loving God would wish someone to stay in that sort of situation. You are implying that this is a matter of "Nah, don't like this. Too much work. Too uncomfortable." Please fully read and understand posts before you reply. I would hope that you would not believe that someone being knocked around should stay. Lost teeth and black eyes are a clear case for most Christians, but they refuse to acknowledge psychological harm. My situation was quite dysfunctional (I've already shared that), but my friend's--the woman who began this thread--is in a very, very toxic situation. RustyAngel, I know you mean well, but this is light year's away from someone just going through a rocky patch in her relationship, someone who is disappointed that her husband isn't a spiritual leader, someone who is concerned about the decisions her husband is making for the family, etc. Reading the Bible more, praying more, and having a little more faith is a pat Christianese answer that is very chilling to someone going through excruciating pain. I know you don't mean it to be that, but, trust me, it's like a slap in the face.
  3. P.S. Perhaps I should clarify. I told my husband that I needed a year. I'm going to live "as if" but if God does lead my to return, I will. I just desperately hope He won't. Since my husband still thinks that there is a chance that I will come back, he is more motivated to commit to counseling. I don't think he ever would have otherwise. I hope he follows through with this. I don't want him to concentrate on "marriage counseling." I want him to examine his own mental health and try to heal from his horrible childhood. Beyond that, I don't know.
  4. I've been praying and praying, begging God to help me in this situation--DO something--set me free. I've spent a lot of time away, first in a visit to my parents, then on an agricultural science trip and a few weeks later, in another visit up north with my family. I just couldn't do it anymore. The stress of work and this unhealthy home situation had pushed me to the breaking point. I was filled with dread at the thought of another year. Over and over in my mind was the thought, "I can't do this anymore." I was so happy to be up here, near my family. It was like stepping back in time before all of this mess ever happened. My parents used to counsel against divorce, but when they learned more about what I'd been through, their views began to change. My dad hadn't said much up to this point, my mom had basically told him to keep his mouth shut! (In her defense, I guess he'd said he kept sticking his foot in his mouth.) But finally, on a fishing trip with Dad, we began talking openly. My dad is his best in a boat. He shared his viewpoint and I was astonished at how clearly he saw the whole thing--even more clearly than I did in some respects. It was a relief to know that it wasn't just me. I had been beating myself up, feeling like a "bad wife" that any time I was in my husband's company I had to divert conversation to "safe" waters, (basically, talking about the weather and...well, yes, that's about it.) I would feel like such an impatient witch to have to grit my teeth and not say anything and he would continue to say and do the same things, over and over again, until he got a reaction. (Not usually a positive one.) It was rather like that obnoxious kid in the classroom doing anything to get attention--negative attention if nothing else. Then my dad shared how exhausting he found my husband's company. It was draining and unhealthy. He began avoiding phone calls the way I avoided my husband's company. A few days later, my dad woke me up at 3:00 in the morning (when we'd planned to get up to go fishing in time for the early tide.) He said he was just too exhausted and hadn't been sleeping well. Neither had I. I suddenly started crying and we talked for three hours. He said, "God doesn't want any of His children to have to live like that." He said he couldn't even began to imagine what it was like to live through the pain I've been through. I've so often felt it was wrong to leave and feared that if I did, my husband would do something drastic. After a scene with a gun in the beginning of our marriage, everything changed. I stopped telling him anything I thought or felt, hid my heart behind castle walls. Lately I just kept begging God to Do something, PLEASE, set me free. One sleepless night a quiet voice said, "God isn't going to do anything. He is asking you to do the brave thing." It was very difficult, but He led me through and I have a new life to create and an openness to grow and change in many ways. I've been getting stronger and healthier these last two years, and out of that situation, I know God will be able to strengthen and heal me even more. To Godlovesme and anyone else in a similar situation, I pray that God will guide your steps in whatever direction He chooses and that you all will also experience the same freedom in peace, however that may take shape. Hugs , prayer and love to anyone out there in this loneliness and pain.
  5. Oh, Sis, I'm so, so sorry. My mom has reminded me more than once, (remember now, this is the wisest person in the world! ) that the Holy Spirit convicts us. He doesn't make us feel guilty. That's Satan's job. I hear all the pain and that you are acknowledging all the pain, but I also hear that underneath you feel like you deserve it. That is so how abuse works. My situation was never that bad but once when he got mad and said he wanted a divorce I begged him not to. (Now that makes me sick to my stomach to think I demeaned myself like that. Bleh.) But the reason I did wasn't because I didn't want to live without him, it was because I had bought into the lie he had orchestrated through all the really really messed up stuff. The lie that it was all my fault. So if we had gotten the divorce I would live the rest of my life believing that my eating disorder destroyed a marriage. Not the gaslighting, or mental/spiritual abuse. Just me. Now I look back and think "That was really crappy. Really? You don't share any of the blame for our marriage being crap? This had nothing to do with being a product of an abusive alcoholic family?" (And moreover, I had been recovered but the marriage didn't help that last very long.) But at the time I believed it. I felt so guilty and covered with shame about e.d. that I took on any blame within a hundred mile radius. I think to some extent you still do believe you deserve it. Yes, you know you sinned, but God doesn't want you to live under the weight of it the rest of your life. Not even another second of it. Jesus died so that we wouldn't have to endure that. God already forgave you. You can't let yourself be enslaved by your mistakes in the past. (HA ha ha. So funny to hear myself telling someone else that when I am doing the same thing. I'm preaching to myself, I guess. ) I think you must just get away. I'm not telling you what to do. I'm just watching someone I care about, like a kitten in a tornado and I want to rush in and scoop it up to safety. I pray for you whenever you come to mind. I love you, sis. ((((hugs))))
  6. Scary. Do you think the kids might have seen their moms talking to him though? If they had, that might be why they trusted him. Still...I'm afraid it is that easy. Even adults respond to dangerous situations the wrong way. My husband used to be a cop, so he would tell me these things. Never ever go with someone even if they are holding a gun or knife to you. They aren't going to do it right there in front of everybody. They want to take you somewhere else, and you pretty much don't have any chances then. He also said that sometimes it's safer to get down. That sounds stupid, like you are making yourself more vulnerable, but your legs have the strongest muscles in your body. It is pretty hard to get control of someone kicking and thrashing. Much easier to put them in a restrain hold with their arms if they are standing.
  7. I agree with the Other One this time. Or maybe sort of a compromise. I wouldn't go all out and try to make it "the perfect date." That probably would weird her out. Save the romantic flair for when you propose to some lady some day. This should be low key, I think. What do you guys usually do as a group? Like hike or see movies, or go for coffee or hang out at the park? Maybe you could just say, "Hey, would you like to go for a hike/movie/etc. just the two of us this time?" Then you could just feel it out from there. If she says, "Yes!" with a lot of enthusiasm, chances are, she's been hoping you'd do just that for quite some time. Otherwise, just enjoy each others' company one-on-one. If it seems right to talk about it directly, just pray God will give you the right words. But don't try to rehearse it or do it perfectly, that would probably be stressful for both of you.
  8. I think that you need more help than we can give you here on this forum. You have some very fundamental misconceptions. I am sure that some members here that live in your area could recommend a church that is doctrinally sound. You need some one on one time with a pastor or leader. If you pray sincerely to God, He will not ignore your desire to find the truth. He will send someone your way to help you understand. You DO need the Holy Spirit to make it clear to you. We will pray that you find the truth. Don't give up in your search for answers. Your eternity is worth it.
  9. Hey Pete, I'm not an ultra-dispensationalist or anything (I married one, so I learned more about that than I ever knew existed.) But it does help to understand that there are different dispensations in the Bible. Think of it like different eras in history. God didn't change, but His plan for His people did. He's not being inconsistent, we are. Think about if you were trying to herd sheep (God calls us sheep because...well, we really aren't that smart are we?) If you need them to go a certain way, but the herd goes too far, you might need to head them off from a different direction. The Jews were sanctified by the law, but that's a temporary thing, and people can only keep up some thing like that for a little while before they mess up again. Jesus' death was a permanent sacrifice that did away with the old law. His sacrifice is the only way. The Jews rejected that and with the stoning of Stephen, it ushered in a new plan that included Gentiles. (Most of us here.) Now, I don't get into the part where they chop the book of Acts into little pieces, but if you look at the Bible through the lens of dispensations, (or God's plan in context), there aren't inconsistencies--with GOD that is. I suppose that is oversimplified and there are many that could explain better than that, but it might help you put the battle of "contradictions" aside for you to look at the whole more clearly. The other things fall into place as you study the Bible more. But you DO need the Holy Spirit to help you understand it. Otherwise, it doesn't make any sense. Think of it like...well, when I am new on a job, everything is so overwhelming, it is all a blur. I'm like a deer in the headlights and nothing makes sense. I'd look at manuals and it's like they are in Chinese. But then when I shake free of that, my eyes are more open and then I think, "Well, d'uh. It's so obvious. What was my problem?" The Holy Spirit is the light bulb for us there. I hope that helps...?
  10. "To be in a loveless marriage between two people calling themselves Christians sucks. I speak from experience." Amen, brother!
  11. I have to say I agree with Tanusha and what Butero said earlier. I can't give advice, but what I can do is tell you what I saw over and over again with kids in my youth group and more specifically, my own brother. It seemed that the tighter Christian parents held the reins, the more those kids rebelled. My brother just got better at lying, but tightening up and confrontations just made it worse. It is reasonable to outline what your expectations are, you could even draw up a "rental contract" and he could either abide by them or leave. But going through his phone or anything personal or delving into his private life...mm...I don't think that ever ends well. I'm not a parent, but I watched a lot of people I care about go down the wrong paths, and some of them still haven't come back. My brother did, eventually, but it took a lot of prayer, a lot of bad choices, and some time in jail. I love my dad and he loved us, but I sometimes wonder if he would have handled things differently... But I don't know. That's one reason why I decided not to have kids. Growing up in this world today and escaping major destruction is more than challenging given all the pitfalls that lay out there. Hats off to you parents. My mom and dad decided to have kids because, as they put it, "We knew we could learn more about God and His love as a Father. Things that only parenting could teach." They certainly did. But it was rough.
  12. Hmm...does Other One have an NRA bumper sticker? He's so subtle...
  13. Hmm...Shield of faith or sword of the Spirit...I guess you couldn't get very far without the faith. But then, like Bopeep, I'm the sort that ducks out of confrontation. Hmm...on second thought, I guess that's what makes easy pickin's for Satan. Tough choice.
  14. No one ever stalked me Shiloh, they were just completely obnoxious. Example: I was on a mission trip and he kept coming over and sitting by me--ALL the time--and even asked me to put suntan lotion on him. (Bleh!!) His friends were in cahoots with him too, (disappointing because I really respected one of them, he was sort of a leader.) So when we were going somewhere, they orchestrated it so I had no choice but to get in their car. And just basic examples, when a guy asks for a girl's phone number and she hems and haws and says something about her parents not wanting to give out numbers or when he asks her on a date she says she's busy...and they don't give up. I was thinking, "Hey, work with me, buddy. I'm trying to help you save face here." I know it's not easy for them to stick their necks out. (One reason I am glad not to be a guy.) Finally it got to the point where I was thinking, "Ok, forget your self-esteem. If I drop kick you off the nearest pier will you finally get the message??" Thankfully, about that time they seemed to finally catch a clue, so I never had to confront them. (I hate confrontation of any sort.) But I never wanted to be their friend at that point. Actually, Augustus, your dad being a taxidermist makes my analogy even more relevant. It's no fun being a lifeless trophy on the wall of someone's perfect house. (I'm not implying I'm a trophy wife--I'm not that attractive.) I don't think you're that type, really. I don't think he knew that he was doing that. I was just in a very vulnerable place...normally that tactic wouldn't have worked on me. I just think he was so focused on his goal and his vision for his life (and other men get that way too) that he couldn't accept anything that messed up that plan. Men are very goal oriented and they might think they are just reassuring her ("It's just nerves/cold feet.") I say, let her take those doubts seriously. If she really belongs to you, she'll come back. But those Hollywood movies where she leaves and he chases her down and plays a stupid song or begs her to stay...that's a bunch of crap. Like I said, I'm just putting it out there (to you and other guys that might happen to be reading this.) But I'll stop blathering. If anybody wanted to read more, they'd look it up themselves. I won't keep inflicting my voice on this thread.
  15. I think we have been talking about two different things. Getting "offended" is a natural response to deliberately hurtful behavior. The other thing you all are bringing up is what happens after that "in the moment response". Yes, if you let it fester, it is really only hurting you. (Not always easy to remember of course.) One can forgive without expecting the other to show contrition or ask for forgiveness. Forgiving is the responsibility of the injured person. (Emotionally/mentally/spiritually, that is. Physically, flee first and get safe, then you can focus on the forgiving part--from a safe distance.) However, I believe that restoring trust falls more under the responsibility of the hurtful person. You can forgive and not open yourself up to an unhealthy person. God doesn't expect us to do that. Not opening yourself up to vulnerability isn't bad, it's just common sense. I'm pretty sure there is a Proverbs that is somewhere along those lines. I'll have to go find it.
×
×
  • Create New...