Whispers

I hate threads that go silent and nobody knows what the outcome was... It's like watching a movie and then the movie ends without letting the audience know what happened

I wanted to add that spouses who refuse counseling usually blame the other spouse for their marriage woes. The purpose of blame is to protect oneself, so anything that threatens to put blame back onto the blamer will be shunned. Most people who blame the other spouse for the marriage failure are aware that they could be responsible for some of the problems, although they do a good job of denying that. But, in front of a counselor, those things are likely to come out into the open. Since a counselor is unbiased and doesn't take sides. People who blame do not want marital counseling because they want the therapist to side with them in blaming their spouse. When the therapist refuses to take sides or points out that they both have contributed to problems, the blaming spouse is threatened and scared of this outcome and therefore refuses counseling. Leaving the problems unresolved would eventually result in the end of your marriage.

I know it's an old thread going back almost one year but I wonder what happened with Pro1728? Did she try Christian counseling to reconcile the marriage? I've seen God heal and restore broken couples so many times. Our God is a God of healing and new creations. The tragedy is when one or both of the spouses refuse to seek Godly marital counseling and just throw in the towel. That's the real tragedy. Luckily God doesn't give up on us so easily as we do on marriages. Otherwise we would be in big trouble. 40%-50% (depending on study) of all fundamental Christian marriages end in divorce. More than 30% of those could have been saved if they had only sought Christian counseling. I emphasize "Christian" counseling since "secular" counseling tells the couple to move on and seek better things. It's such a disposable society today and secularism sadly breeches into Christians when they fall into Satan's trap of; unhappy, just divorce and forget about it.

DISCUSSING YOUR MARRIAGE WOES TO OTHERS As a parent would you discuss your daughter’s sexual promiscuity or your son’s drug use with co-workers? Of course not, why then would it be acceptable to gossip about your spouse and speak about private matters at the workplace or with friends? We have cognitive knowledge that by gossiping and airing a spouse’s dirty laundry it will result in a character attack and a negative reputation will be started. We also recognize that gossip is absolute among people, particularly with co-workers and even friends. It will result in creating “busybodies” who begin to meddle in the private affairs of others. “But let none of you suffer as a murderer, or as a thief, or as an evildoer, or as a busybody in other men’s matters” (1 Peter 4:15) The core of the action stems back down to your heart. One wouldn’t discuss your teenage daughter’s sexual promiscuity or your son’s drug use with co-workers because one knows it is wrong on so many levels. Then why do it to your spouse? God knows the depth of our hearts and we can justify all of our actions all day long but stop, think, pray and follow God’s way, not our own wisdom and worldly advice. Scriptures speak harshly about gossip: “They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant, and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these things but also approve of those who practice them.” (Romans 1:29-33) Slander’s definition is “malicious talk; to spread damaging information; to defame; to speak ill of.” Gossip’s definition is “To indulge in idle talk or rumors about others; spreading of sensational stories.” Gossip is a close cousin to slander, and the Bible places both in the same category as murder and other wickedness. Slander is the work of the Devil. The Bible says that Satan is called the “accuser of the brethren” (Rev. 12:10) “If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight reign on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless” (James 1:26). With decades of ministry experience, I can declare unequivocally that by telling your friends and co-workers they will tell others and will cause severe damage and hurt the Body of Christ. Your dissemination to one or two people will results in multitudes of people knowing and the gossip train is full speed ahead. “The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to a man’s inmost parts” (Prov. 26:22) Gossip and slander have ripped out the heart and soul of many Christians. It has destroyed marriages that could have been saved, created further strife in couples. I cannot warn you enough to not partake in it. “Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down” (Prov. 26:22). It has been said by some who work in the ministry service that “the Church” is the only “army” that kills its wounded. After months of prayer and counseling a spouse reconciled but then later found out that the other spouse had told everyone at work about their marital woes. All it did was reopen a just-healed wound. Gossip or venting always contributes to the problem and never to the solution. It always distorts and exaggerates, and is never a reliable source of truth. The co-worker and friend will tell others about your “secret” and the process will repeat with someone else and disclose the secrets you shared to them. It goes on and on and before you know it, the one person you told, now dozens of people are talking about it. If you want to discuss your marital issues with someone, seek a professional pastoral marriage counselor.

If the other spouse is not willing to seek counseling then you should still seek counseling for yourself. Your spouse’s refusal to go to counseling is a hardened heart issue and a failure to humble themselves before God. Have you ever personally sought competent marriage counseling with a pastor? I am assuming by your responses that you have not attended any counseling sessions on your own. Godly counselors are a gift from God to bring His healing in your life and marriage. The American Association of Pastoral Counselors requires extensive training and most of these people are ordained ministers with full masters or doctoral training. Contact a local church and find a counselor for yourself. Let God work on the heart of your spouse and pray for them that they humble themselves and seek counseling and healing. For now, you must get help for yourself.

LOVING THE SPOUSE Loving our enemies and those who offended us is not easy to do but God calls for us to love our enemies. It is possible to do since it is an abiding gift of God's Holy Spirit. But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you ( Matthew 5:44) At first this behavioral response may seem perplexing. Of all the moral imperatives in Scripture, this remains the most elusive and challenging. Jesus’ call to compassion and selfless love is part of His life, His death, and His glorious resurrection. We are to become more like Him, this cannot be done without loving those who have aggrieved us. Jesus loved those who hated Him. Jesus washed Judas’ feet hours before He knew that Judas would betray Him. Go back and reread the Bible account of Jesus’ love for those who hated Him. Jesus calls us to love and that includes our enemies and spouses who have wronged us. When Jesus was asked what the greatest commandment is, Jesus responded that there were actually two commandments: “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. (Matthew 22) We cannot love God without loving our spouse as well. God’s Word says: “If someone says, "I love God," but hates a Christian brother or sister, that person is a liar; for if we don't love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we cannot see? (1 John 4:20) Divorce represents the failure to hold to Jesus’ greatest commandments about love. In divorce one exclaims that they no longer love the other spouse and God’s response to them is He calls them a “liar” and they do not truly love God. This is a serious statement that carries with it great spiritual repercussions.

PASTORAL COUNSELING & SELF-DIAGNOSIS “Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety" (Proverbs 11:14) Seek professional pastoral marriage counseling. Many churches offer trained, well-qualified professional marriage counselors at no cost. Professional Christian counseling should never be viewed as a waste of time. If the other spouse is not willing to seek counseling then you should still seek counseling for yourself. This cannot be emphasized enough. Experience shows that people can create their own narratives and suppositions of what is wrong in a marriage. Marriages are complex. It’s not always black and white. This attempt to self-diagnose a marriage always results in a one-sided skewed analysis. The spouse typically seeks verification of their flawed analysis by seeking an audience for enforcement and consolation which can easily be found in co-workers and friends. A professional pastoral marriage counselor will not take sides, unlike co-workers & friends. Most Christian couples will seek counseling when asked to. Some couples don’t even attempt counseling and this is a tragic and sad mistake. God is for marriage; He hates divorce. The first step a couple should take is to ask God to guide them and find the right professional Christian counselor. If the other spouse is refusing counseling then pray and ask God to change your spouse’s heart but seek counseling for yourself. Counselors know what it takes to turn your marriage around. It will take effort. It will take time. But it is worth the energy because God will truly bless those who never quit on their promises before God.

After 30 years of marriage counseling: DO 1 – Gently tell your spouse the issues and feelings you are having. 2 – Seek professional pastoral marriage counseling. 3 – Ask God in prayer to heal and repair your marriage. 4 – Do continue to love your spouse. DO NOT 1 – DO NOT discuss your marital problems with co-workers and friends. 2 – DO NOT attempt to self-diagnose your marriage. Looking through a prism of your own biases and misunderstandings will not result in a proper analysis. Marriages are complex. If you have a neurological problem do you ask Suzy at the work water cooler on how to proceed or do you ask a professional neurologist? 3 – DO NOT fixate on your spouse’s sins and flaws. Contempt in the heart is created when one fixates on a spouse’s sins and flaws. This contempt eventually turns into sinful hate against the spouse. 4 – DO NOT seek a divorce. God hates divorce and all attempts should be made to reconcile.

I cannot stress enough that you must seek professional marital counseling through a qualified pastor. This is not up to debate. You must seek counseling immediately. Do not attempt to self-diagnose the marriage and issues you are experiencing. Talk to a qualified marriage pastor. I promise it will help you tremendously to seek wise counsel. “Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety" (Proverbs 11:14)

We bear children who later in life do things to hurt us. From rebellious teens to acts of sexual immorality and even criminal acts of violence. Our own children hurt us as parents. Our own children can become the greatest source of pain and suffering in our lives. They can hurt and sin against us in ways that cut so deep since they are our own flesh and blood. God allows for pain and suffering in all aspects of our lives. From the young child in the cancer ward dying a painful death to acts of total evil depravity committed upon innocent women and children throughout the world on a daily basis. Pain and suffering is part of life and there is not one patriarch in the Bible that did not experience pain and suffering in their lives. Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." (Matthew 16) What some people fail to understand is that all aspects of our lives including marriage is part of that suffering and part of denying oneself and taking up their cross. As Children of God we not only will experience suffering but God says it is an absolute guarantee. “Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted” (2 Timothy 3) God calls for us to suffer as His beloved Son did while on earth. “For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in His steps” (1 Peter 2). Suffering throws a hand grenade into our self-centerdness, blasting our soul to the core. But by doing so we can be better bonded to the Savior. Our afflictions help make us holy. We become more like Jesus.The suffering we experience in raising children and in our marriage should mold us to be more like Christ Jesus. God knows and guarantees that we will suffer pain in all aspects of our lives. In the raising of our children, in our marriage, in our daily lives, in all areas. What God is concerned about is how we react to life’s persecution and pain, including marriage. Our sanctification will grow or regress based on our responses. Responding in divorce is not God’s Will. “and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” (Mark 10) Responding as God call us to respond is God's Will. The response is laid out in God's Word. If the spouses seek Jesus and His healing and His guidance, God will heal and grow that marriage in ways that are unfathomable. God is capable of healing, restoring and renewing any marriage if you let Him.

A word of caution: Marital relationships are never black and white and it would be impossible to analyze and diagnose a marital problem on the internet. There are always two sides to the story and the other spouse is not represented here. A one-sided narrative is not fair nor an accurate representation since two people are involved in a marriage. Nothing wrong with discussing issues but a disclaimer needs to be made. God views marriage as a sacred covenant and the Bible is clear: Malachi 2:16 "I hate divorce, says the Lord God." The Bible discusses marriage from Genesis to Revelation. From the garden "the two shall become one" to Revelation and the "marriage supper of the lamb" God views and symbolizes marriage with His people and His Body. Marriage and especially divorce is not taken lightly by God and so it should not be taken lightly by us. God is capable of reforming and changing any person. God is capable of healing, restoring and renewing any marriage if you let Him. Denying this truth is denying God's power and His abilities. God's healing and restoring power is greater than all of our sins and inadequacies. Divorce should only be entertained in instances of repeated and unrepentant heinous sin and the spouse is completely unrepentant and unwilling to let God change them.