storybook

Your post is so illuminating. I'm a christian-under-construction, not new to faith, but new to the understanding that faith is not so much about religion but a relationship with God. Your words that, 'we should endeavor to grasp the intention, context ....' is - although sometimes challenging - so profoundly true. I pray that the Holy Spirit will give me greater clarity and understanding as I read the bible. Thx for your post Shiney4uJesus

Oops, yes that was a typo - he does not follow Jesus. I am believer. Many thx for your post BK1110, it helped clarify things for me. Thank you for your post as well, Rick_Parker - I feel comforted by your first sentence.

I agree, it is easy to hide when courting, seeing someone 1-4 times a week it's easy to be 'on' when you're with them, but when you're married one can't wear the mask. Yes, he was hiding something with shame attached to it - insecurity, low self-esteem, bouts of depression ... he stopped inviting me to his place, I took it he was just being thoughtful coming to my place to see me, after we married I found out he was dealing with depression and his place showed it. He was ashamed and didn't want me to see the clutter and mess that consumed his place. I felt like he undermined my trust by not telling me. May he doesn't believe he's able, but then why doesn't he seek/initiate help? *Deidre* may be right - he may not be capable of change. Yes, I have told him things I appreciate, but sometimes I think his low self-esteem gets in the way of believing it.

Thank you both Cobalt1959 and Ezra for your helpful, informative comments and providing clarification. *heavy sigh* now I have to sort out my plan to move forward. I would be so grateful if you could pray for God to bless me with an extra dose of love, support, guidance during this time. Again, many thx.

In hindsight I don't think is was an act, it felt honest and sincere. Yes he is showing his true colors in shutting me out, he's showing me he can't be there for me emotionally, that he has a hard time loving himself so he is unable to feel and show love in return. I still think he loves me but is unable to show it. That said, I agree with you last statement Ezra, but how will I answer to God for my actions if I move on? missmuffet said my pastor is wrong, so how can he be a teacher of God's word and go against what the bible teaches?

I wouldn’t say he comes across as grandiose, perhaps somewhat self-absorbed, but he does not exhibit signs of a narcissist as stated in the website you provided. He is someone who has buried his true self-expression in response to early injuries and has compensated by replacing it with a highly developed false self. His communication is often object- tied and logical, discussing facts and details with little or no feeling attached. He does avoid feeling, which stems from his past – he was bullied and has told me he would stuff down his emotions, which has resulted his inability to mature emotionally and feel or express emotions in a healthy way. It’s evident that he hides behind a mask and fears being vulnerable. Perhaps I did see this tendency while dating, but viewed it as shyness rather than insecurity and his inability to think and cope with the challenges of life. I have told him I felt deceived that he didn’t share this with me, but he said he was so shut down from avoiding negative feelings that he wasn’t even really aware of this himself – hence it wasn’t forefront in his mind to share his internal struggles with me. Once we marriage I guess without realizing I challenged him in these areas which probably intensified his insecure feelings of himself. He has said he feels stuck with no way out. He only sees 2 options – stay and suffer (which would involve further avoidance behaviors) or I should leave. Our last therapist highly recommended he go for individual counseling. After a year of me prompting him to follow through on this, along with reminding him I have a free 6 session deal through my work benefits, he started going. He has 2 sessions left and it’s hard to say if he will initiate further counseling after this. I have given this to God and do pray a lot. I also talked to my pastor, but he basically said I'm to stay in my marriage because the bible and God does not believe in divorce. This is hard to hear, I was rejected by my past church when I left my first husband who was abusive, I don't feel my current church would condone a possible separation. I wish the bible was more clear on such a grey area within marriage. Thank you for your prayers.

From what I understand God can not be present around evil and sin. If this is so, what happens if I am living with a non-believer who does follow Jesus and is seeking in other areas that is not of God. Can God be with me in our home and protect me from what someone else brings into the home (books on Buddhism)?

I grew up going to church, but in the past several years I've come to know that faith isn't so much about religion and going to church every Sunday, but about a relationship with God. My husband did pray to accept Jesus into his life, but it stopped there. He'll occasionally pray, saying he believes in prayer but that's where it stops.

My marriage is profoundly empty and I’m trying to find clarity on what to do. My husband and I are both in our 50’s. We met in our 30’s and dated for 9 years. I was married before but left that abusive marriage and became a single mom, one reason why we dated for so long. Our dating relationship was incredible, he was attentive, respectful, he was always there for me when I needed to talk things through and I felt like part of his life, like he had my back. We got engaged and married just over a year later. That’s when things drastically changed. I thought I knew him, but once we married and moved in together he was like a different person. As one does when they begin a life with someone you bring up conversations that need to be had, like plans for our future, how do we divide chores and of course the topic of money. Every time I initiated one of these conversations he refused to talk about them, he would leave the room or close the door in my face in the room he was in. I became so confused wondering why was he being so disrespectful and not honoring me as a wife. Where was the man I dated? As time progressed I fought to resolve this, initiating many counseling sessions which he went to but nothing would ever be resolved. It’s been 12 years, we’ve gone through at least 6 different counselors; and there’s been some clarity just recently but no significant change. Just over 6 yrs ago he withdrew so profoundly that it felt like an emotional divorce. I am living like a single person within my marriage which is so painful. He acts like he doesn’t want me in his life, and really, I don’t think I should have to fight for a spot, as his wife I should be one of his top priorities. I feel alone even when he’s in the room; he uses his computer, i-pad, phone as a constant escape. He has said he feels trapped, shared that he thought of leaving and that he feels foolish to think he could do marriage. He’s even said he thinks I should leave because he can’t give me what I want. My needs are basic – companionship, open honest communication, affection … I feel betrayed by his disengagement. Even to this day he doesn’t talk about plans for our future. I thought he was just shy and quiet when we were dating, but he’s shared that he’s insecure and has low self-esteem and he feels he can’t overcome this. When I try to talk to him now I just get this blank stare which I’ve come to realize is his way of telling me he doesn’t want to talk, occasionally he verbalizes this then plays the man-card stating guys don’t talk. I’ve been told by counselors that he is very emotionally disconnected, and his avoidance behavior is abusive and disrespectful, that I should stand up for myself and set boundaries. I have done this, but when I and say for example, “I feel disrespected when….” he reacts with feelings shame and guilt which feeds into his low self-esteem. A year ago I got a concussion; he was not there for me, showed no compassion and even told me he thought I was faking it to get time off work. Recovery was hard due to our marital stress. I have to work so hard to continually strengthen my emotional and mental health; it’s like trying to dry off while still in the shower. Any insights would be greatly appreciated. Many thx, Storybook