So today I was reading a book about a girl with digestive issues who god healed. now I was crying by the end of the book and praising god, but that was not the most interesting thing. Actually the only time I can cry is when I am thinking of god. The thing that I hesitate to confess to is the envy I felt, I mean I should be happy for her right, but the malicious thoughts remain. I mean they say ignorance is bliss, and meeting Jesus would also be very comforting, but I am stuck in that sweet spot in the middle. I used to think this was just physiological baggage, but then why cant I just reason these thoughts away, why do I still have the angry urge to scream at god?