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Redsteel

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  1. The thing I feel is despair. Why even bother living, if everything we do just crumbles to dust. I don't actually believe that, but the feeling is just overwhelming. I have been distracting myself, and taking antidepressants, but the thought of carrying on like this indefinitely is just terrifying. I have also been having near daily migraines these past few weeks. Please God, just wipe away my tears.
  2. So today I was reading a book about a girl with digestive issues who god healed. now I was crying by the end of the book and praising god, but that was not the most interesting thing. Actually the only time I can cry is when I am thinking of god. The thing that I hesitate to confess to is the envy I felt, I mean I should be happy for her right, but the malicious thoughts remain. I mean they say ignorance is bliss, and meeting Jesus would also be very comforting, but I am stuck in that sweet spot in the middle. I used to think this was just physiological baggage, but then why cant I just reason these thoughts away, why do I still have the angry urge to scream at god?
  3. Please pray that I not be lead astray.
  4. well the thing is in the beginning of the year, in February, I was feeling very depressed and on my worst day appealed to god for a sign, anything really. The next day two guys asked me "have you heard of god the mother?". I though wow I must be on to some secret knowledge or something. I spent the next several weeks socializing with the cult of ahnsanghong. It felt so real. what kind of cruel joke was that? when will I get that discernment? I guess I am somewhat angry. Am I really supposed to be that trusting of humans? As for committing myself, I am willing, but considering my trust issues, is a sign too much to ask? do I pray Privately? Go to as many churches as possible? drive to a secluded location and bawl my eyes out?(I'm not being sarcastic by the way).I accept you holy spirit so come in, please! what direction do I go in? Tell me what I'm doing wrong!
  5. I want to call myself a christian, I really do, but why do i still feel so hollow? But wouldn't a real christian be more confident? How long must a neurotic man like me suffer doubts of the father, pessimism, and thoughts of unworthiness? sorry if this comes off as a rant but I really am considering astral projection, new age, gnosticism, and occult if it brings results. I live in North Hollywood California.
  6. Fear of winding up in the wrong place I mean. It seems like an arduous task looking for the right place. I mean when I think back historically, to indulgences, and the origins of the southern Baptist convention, and the puritans, many of the normal people really thought they were right, and many in leadership understood but remained unprincipled. There is so many groups. What if I wind up on the wrong side of history? I know it's probably my ocd/ scruples sowing self doubt telling me that I am not good enough along with my fear of putting effort into something that could be wrong, but what experience do you have with this. How can this generation of Christians be sure they are more right? In worried I might be jumping into a frying pan.
  7. I am new and looking for answers.
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