Mea kakau

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About Mea kakau

  • Birthday July 6

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  • Location
    Washington State
  • Interests
    Jesus. Talking to Jesus. Listening to Jesus. Listening to praise and worship music everyday. I love to write. God used (uses) it to help me heal. Writing to help others work through their abuse. Color pencil drawing. Baking with whole wheat. Creating new recipes and experimenting in the kitchen. Web design. Logo design. Designing homes.
  1. I asked the mold remediation company what they used to spray on the mold. They told me it was biodegradable and non-toxic and gave me the product name so I could contact the company. It turned out the company who made the spray is located in Australia. I emailed the company and informed them that I'm highly allergic to benzalkonium chloride aka BZK and all of its derivatives which cover about eight products. I listed them in the email. First and last time I was exposed to BZK, my eye turned bright red and my eye doctor determined I was another patient allergic to BZK. The Australia company contacted their distributor in the United States who will contact our mold remediation company and arrange to use something different. So that must be an affirmative that their product contains BZK without them saying so.
  2. Another decent night sleep last night! Going for three in a row tonight.
  3. We've been through a lot in our marriage. Many ups and downs. Times where we thought for certain we would end it. I guarantee me having C-PTSD didn't help at all. My husband had his issues too. We've been married 32 years this September.
  4. Thank you so much Culinary. May God bless you.
  5. Praise God! I had a decent night sleep last night even though the mold remediation crew was here (separate prayer request). My husband closed the bedroom door, and I slept right through all the noise going on below the house and in the laundry room. I need about nine to ten hours sleep each night and I got my nine last night. If I don't get my needed sleep I crabby and my C-PTSD worsens. No nightmares. Thank you all for your prayers.
  6. When it pours...and I'm not dealing with this well considering my C-PTSD. Our son had extra rat traps which he pulled from his motorhome the other day and decided to place them under our home. Well, he discovered a major problem under our home. The rodent barrier was loaded with water and sagging down. Our plumber found one of the reasons for the sagging barrier; a water line eaten through by a rat. Oh rats...I hate those creatures. So now we're in mold remediation through our insurance company. The crew hired by the insurance company was out this morning and discovered more issues; cables left by Direct TV and others, current cables from cable company, water still leaking, and worse raw sewage. It covers the underside of our home on one side, that's about 78 feet long and about 10 feet wide. Please pray for everything to work out for this situation. Thank you.
  7. Still tough going today. Understanding why my father did what he did to me is good and bad. I need to know and now know. He was training me to follow in his footsteps. Thankfully, I did not. Though I was involved in the occult and the new age movement for twenty-five years before giving my life to Jesus. So I was "captured" by my father's evil deeds and what he forced me to do. Now though I am free from that life. That is one thing I am quite aware of as Jesus speaks to me through the Word in songs. I hear the truth about who I am today not yesterday and certainly not what my father tried to instill in me. Thank you all for your prayers.
  8. Going through a lot of emotions. Crying for three hours this morning while listening to praise and worship music. Feel closest to the Lord during those times and songs speak to my heart about my condition, what I went through as a child, and how I'm innocent no matter what happened. Still it's hard. I've considered talking to an online therapist because I'm not seeing someone right now. I quit therapy in September 2015 after 25 years of therapy. I need to find someone with experience in trauma though. Anyway, today is difficult.
  9. I haven't formally been diagnosed with CPTSD. I joined a support forum for that online. When I read the description I knew that it fit me like a glove, sad to say, not good to say. Just more confirmation that the abuse happened. I've yet to find a therapist who is versed in CPTSD or extreme trauma and PTSD. They say they are and then I get the rude awakening that they are not as knowledgeable as they say they are based on their reaction to what I share. More wasted time, money, and energy. About two years ago I quit therapy again because I stated my issues and they went right over the therapist's head. Ugh. Another one. I guess I need someone who's treated military and childhood survivors. Only they would understand and be able to help me heal enough to function better. Though another survivor on a different forum says that I function quite well considering what I've been through. My husband says he's in awe of my survival. He knows by the little bit I've shared with him that it's a miracle I'm here today. If I didn't know Jesus and hadn't allowed him into my life in 1991, I wouldn't be here today that's for certain. Jesus is my lifeline.
  10. Are talking about PTSD and triggers preciouspearl?
  11. I'm still going through stuff about losing our beloved dog Bailey because it directly relates to what happened to me as a child. Big time PTSD which I now believe is more like Complex PTSD or C-PTSD. Yesterday was the worst birthday I've had as an adult. I woke from a nightmare with a racing heart and breathlessness. Everything went downhill fast from there. Next was the memory of what happened when my father forced me to shoot someone. I was ten years old. The nightmare had those elements in there and more. I've had bits of this memory for the past four and half years during which time we lost three dogs including Bailey (one was a rescue). Death is a major trigger for this memory. I thought I wanted to get another puppy sooner than next year, but now I know that's not a good idea. And thankfully my husband, after last night, isn't pushing that agenda any more. Prayers please. I don't even know what to ask for. Just pray. Thank you.
  12. Thank you for sharing and writing this Patriot2017. I am definitely a loner due to abuse as a child and suffering from long term PTSD. In addition, I'm an introvert. So it comes natural for me to stand back instead of intermingle and participate in a group or groups of people. I do best one on one. Though I found I taught Sunday School classes for children quite well because of my artistic, music, and writing abilities. Many times I learned to combine all of them for a lesson. And because I am a one on one type person, many people come up to me and pour out their hearts with their problems. I've always found this intriguing because I'm suffering as well yet they don't seem to notice. Then I'm drawn to intercede for them in prayer.
  13. My former friend, I can now say that as I blocked her telephone calls on both my cellphone and land phone, said something which enabled me to let go of the relationship, finally. I never expected it from her. One day she called me and told me that she hadn't wanted to call me because she didn't want to hear about my dog's death. Instead of being the supportive friend I thought she was, she was the exact opposite. Her words cut me deep and I couldn't get them out of my mind for days. Occasionally they still haunt me. That's when I pray to Jesus and listen to praise and worship music to stay focused on God not those hurtful words my former friend spoke.
  14. Hi Shel, Sorry it took so long to get back to you. I've been gone grieving the loss of our dog Bailey who died of cancer on May 7, 2017. I would like, and have prayed to the Lord, to use my writing to help others deal with their abuse. The story which I originally began in 2003 has now evolved, through much prayer, into the kind of stories I'd like to write. It's definitely a work in progress as I develop the characters. I have to develop them in my head first where they take on a life of their own. From there, I write down what I hear them saying and see them doing and that becomes the novel. I had been stuck with the novel and not getting the characters to come alive. After much prayer, that's finally happening. I changed the focus for three of the characters and their stories so that they reflected more of a Christian life. One way you can see your novel in print before publishing is to download Amazon's ebook software. You post your story to your own ebook reader. No one else sees it. That's when I see all the grammar and spelling errors which need to be corrected. Like you I have kept a journal since I was young. I purchased my first leather bound, 9 X 12 journal in 1976. There are 12 volumes and also in notebooks on my office bookshelf. I used to belong to abuse support groups through writing before the internet came about. So there are quite a few volumes of letters I wrote back and forth each month in three different support groups. Those are kept in huge binders. Plus I have additional journals and pages on my journal software I purchased years ago from Mariner. It's called MacJournal and comes in a Windows version as well, WinJournal. With the software you can blog, journal, and podcast.
  15. I had a talk with my husband this morning about him wanting a puppy too soon. He had told me last night that he wanted a puppy this summer or fall. Too soon for me. Then I read him a few articles about how to determine when you should get a new dog/puppy after one dies. After he listened he realized he isn't ready to get a puppy. My PTSD got triggered with Bailey's death, and I had new memories from my abuse as a child. So this loss was particularly difficult for me. Though I bounced back from those memories faster than I would have before because of all of the healing I've been through. Before I needed to see a therapist and this time I didn't. That's a huge improvement. I got triggered the same way when another of our Leonbergers, Bailey's half brother, died at only three and half years old from a tick borne disease. Death of any kind is difficult for me to deal with because of all the deaths I saw as a child. I talked to my husband about what I was experiencing as a result of Bailey death. That's something I hadn't done before. I sense we're drawing closer to each other through Bailey's death. At the same time, I'm drawing closer to Jesus and leaning more and more on Him. Thank you all for your prayers.