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Mea kakau

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About Mea kakau

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    Junior Member
  • Birthday July 6

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  • Gender
  • Location
    WA State
  • Interests
    Jesus. Talking to Jesus. Listening to Jesus. Listening to praise and worship music everyday. I love to write. God used (uses) it to help me heal. Writing to help others work through their abuse. Color pencil drawing. Baking with whole wheat. Creating new recipes and experimenting in the kitchen. Web design. Logo design. Designing homes.
  1. Tomorrow morning bright and early our bathroom floor is getting installed...finally! Today my husband opted to have the flooring company install extra flooring in the bathroom. He was going to do this himself. However due to his foot and calf problems he decided to have them do it. That's such a relief all the way around. I'm so thankful. The only thing remaining after that is the pedestals need to be sanded and painted with waterproofing. Then the fixtures can be installed on them. We've figured out the painting and decorating scheme for the bathroom. That will follow installation of the fixtures. The island cabinets all are lined up and needing to be heightened in order to make room for the depth of the induction cooktop. Next will be the installation of the soapstone counter and with that the induction cooktop. An added counter which houses the grain grinder and the mixer is still undecided for the substrate. Though tonight we moved closer to using a composite which the flooring company carries. I'm looking for something for rolling out pie dough. The vent hoods and beam are ready to be installed along with the lights for down the island. Our son is scheduled to finish his electrical installation this weekend as next week the insulation in the crawl space under the floor needs to be installed. Here are some pictures of our progression, i.e.; where we started from, the next remodel, and then the partial remodel in progress of the kitchen. The first one is the original kitchen when we purchased the house. The second one is our first remodel where we added a pot rack to the island. That's one of pooches with his "don't touch it" gear on. The last one is our current remodel.
  2. Unstable Marriage Worsens

    My husband found a great therapist who is in the process of testing him for several different conditions. Three things the therapist suspects are depression, ADHD, and of course TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury). The therapist said the TBI along with the ADHD could indeed cause many of the problems my husband exhibits in our marriage. I've prayed for our marriage to be restored and I now believe Go is answering this prayer. It's been 27 years in the making since I first started pray for God's will to be done in it. It's proof that faith of things unseen is working in my life. I'm so thankful for the changes I've already seen in my husband since he realized how hurtful his words have been. Even though his attitude has actual medical causes, he's taking responsibility for himself for the first time in our marriage and watching the words he speaks to me. For the first time in our marriage, I see that we're drawing closer on deep levels. This is something I've wanted for years. Thank you God for answering my prayers. God indeed answers prayers in His time and in His way!
  3. Hello fellow prayer warriors! Please pray for my husband and his right foot and calf. The podiatrist sent him for a STAT test at the local hospital tonight to ultrasound his foot and calf regions. The doctor is ruling out thrombophlebitis and deep vein thrombosis. My husband has poor circulation in his feet due to rheumatoid arthritis. Thank you all for your prayers!
  4. Unstable Marriage Worsens

    Someone suggested my husband see a speech pathologist as that would help with getting the right words out. We're going to look into that.
  5. Unstable Marriage Worsens

    I'm a survivor of ritual abuse by my father who was a serial killer and pedophile. You missed the post where she apologized to me. My therapist has more than 25 years experience with ritual abuse. I've been through deliverance and my abuse is about that any more. Thank you for the information.
  6. Unstable Marriage Worsens

    I should probably put this under prayers answered. Yet I wanted continuity here in this topic. Praise God!!! I followed my intuition, my gut feeling, and I asked my husband if he ever had a concussion. Turns out he had a bad one wherein he was taken to a hospital and afterward his personality had changed. He told me about his family telling him they noticed the personality change. However his family chocked it up to marriage which had occurred months before the trauma brain injury (TBI). How I got to this place? My husband has told me he said something to me or denied saying the same thing to me. Usually the words are something he'd never say. He's always saying he'd never say something like that to me; that I must be making the whole thing up. And then I got proof. I got it right on my cellphone. The other day my husband needed to talk to our son. So I got out my cellphone and texted our son, speaking into it rather than typing. By the time I finished the sentence and had sent it, my husband was upset and telling me he didn't say that to me. Then I asked him what he thought he said. It was completely different. We were both dumbfounded. That's when I started putting two and two together. This is a huge revelation in our marriage and in my husband's life. And then my husband started to tell me about more incidences in his life where a similar things occurred. He has problems with both the written and the spoken word, plus a slew of other symptoms as well. I researched frontal lobe traumatic brain injury and then we sat down and discussed that. He had nearly every symptom. His behavior and the disconnect between that and what I really heard became the foundation for a divorce. I never wanted a divorce. My husband and I work will together. We'll find a way to work around or through or over this new hurdle. This morning my husband grasped my hand and thanked me, telling me if I hadn't told him he would've never known what was causing these bizarre disconnects in his brain. And we would've gotten a divorce over it. And all for something my husband cannot change. So now I'm sticking with my husband and his TBI and he's sticking with me and my PTSD. He didn't call the therapist's office on Monday because of our basically all day on and off conversation about the TBI. So tomorrow he'll call him.
  7. Unstable Marriage Worsens

    The free therapy appointment went well. My therapist apologized for what happened during the last appointment. Then she explained her professional obligations for when someone has threatened suicide. After everything was hashed out, she told me that something good has come from that appointment; my husband returning to therapy and understanding that he needs to work through childhood abuse issues. Some of them I mentioned and she told me those are quite damaging with lifetime problems. We also agreed on a time-out signal for when I still need to talk about something in a different direction than she had been going.
  8. Unstable Marriage Worsens

    Oh forgot to add that I'm finally sleeping normal hours again. With PTSD this is important because sleep helps me stay more stable. Also I found what helps me sleep better hours when I can't seem to eat anything. I make myself a protein shake.

    Praise God!
  10. Unstable Marriage Worsens

    My husband and I are both saved. Salvation doesn't make you not abuse people. Many abusers brow beat their victims with the Bible, using the words to justify their behavior. My husband is seeking counseling and has found someone. If that doesn't work out he's going to line up others. He wants to find out why he would treat me this way when he says he loves me. That's a first for him. My therapist called me yesterday morning and offered me a free appointment to work things out with her. I never expected this scenario. I'm thankful she did and shocked as well. So I'll see her this Thursday. Normally my appointments are every two weeks. Prayers definitely needed for this appointment. Thank you all of those who are praying for me and my husband.
  11. Unstable Marriage Worsens

    This will be a long post as there is a lot going on in my life right now. For years I've been the victim of my husband's verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse. It has contributed to my PTSD which I got from extreme childhood abuse. Two weeks ago my husband decided to threaten me. He's threatened me before about various things. This time he hit me where it really hurts. Anything to do with death triggers me and then increases my PTSD. My husband knows I'm triggered by death. He threatened me with suicide if he doesn't get a puppy by July. I'm not quite ready for a puppy. One thing led to another and I took him to my therapy appointment. The whole session turned out to be all about my husband and his problems. I never asked for my therapist to step in and "take care of" my husband. The point was to address my husband's threatening behavior. Any time I attempted to say a single word, I was essentially told to shut up. She didn't say those exact words. I tried to comment on his threat to take his life and was told that I shouldn't taint our beautiful relationship with the one incident of abuse. When I first started seeing my therapist back in August of 2017 I attempted to tell her several times that my husband was a mental/emotional abuser. However she wanted to see this rosy picture of two vagabonds traveling all around the Pacific Northwest. Once, I tried to explain that I was coerced into moving to one place. My husband harped on me for nearly two weeks until I caved. I started to explain this to my therapist and she shut me down saying she only wanted to hear about my vagabond adventures. Every time I shared something she would bring me back to the topic thus silencing me. She's even told me she thought he was a saint to put up with me and my PTSD. This whole way in which she created a false narrative of my life in her head is what she then based our appointment on this last Thursday, 8 March 2018. Half way through the appointment she sensed something else was going on, and yet she never stopped the conversation between her and my husband. And she continued to isolate me from the two of them as if therapy was now my husband and her. She is my therapist. Period. When the appointment was finished I was left gutted and shocked that I had been cast aside and disregarded. That I had been silenced. I then I had to pay for my husband's therapy appointment. Huh? This is my worst nightmare; another therapist turning on me and a woman. I've had three women therapists become controlling on me, nearly destroying my life in the process. This therapist is one of those three. It took everything within me to see her the first time due to past abuse by female therapists. After this current therapy session I did two things. I told my husband how I felt about what happened. And I called my therapist and told her that she just messed me up big time. That she didn't know what she had done to me. And that I didn't know whether I could ever see her again. On Friday she called and I couldn't keep it together long enough to make it through the whole phone conversation. I started bawling, not just crying, and finally told her I couldn't talk any more. I hung up. I haven't heard from her since. Part of the conversation was her realizing in the middle of the therapy session that something wasn't right. She never stopped things though. She kept going with them. She never apologized to me on the phone. Though she tried to make it look like she had done everything right. Not true. I tried to tell her the real story of my life and she didn't want to hear it. She wanted to believe that I had a fairy tale life as an adult. On Friday I also told my husband that I had had it and wanted a divorce. I felt used after the therapy appointment and livid after his abusive words. I had promised myself back in 2015 that if my husband ever was abusive again that I'd leave him. This was a promise I made to myself. Since Friday and Saturday I've poured out my anger and hurt on my husband, that which belongs to him not the anger and hurt I have toward my therapist. My husband apologized again and again. I've accepted his apology and yet I know this means he'll go right back to doing it again as evidenced by his continued and ongoing abuse. Now he finally understands that his mental/emotional abuse is just like physical abuse, just like a broken bone except on the inside. No one sees it. No one knows that it exists. That shook him to the core getting this part. At the same time he remembered an incident which happened as a child where his father had emotionally abused him and how it hurt and still hurts. And the fact that I forced him into an anger management course back in 2004/5 where he told me repeatedly that he's not like those men in there: He doesn't break bones and send me to the hospital. Anyway he gets it now. It is the same. He is like those men. And he said that he doesn't want to treat me like this any more. He doesn't know why he does it to me. And he's willing to go to therapy. He's been in therapy before and never focused on his issues. Instead he complained about mine and his son's problems. This time he says he's willing to deal with his issues. My husband is 75 years old this year! He doesn't want to lose this marriage. He finally gets that he's got a serious problem. He admits that he's causing most of the problems in this marriage. This is a first. My husband has promised to start looking for a therapist on Monday. So my prayer requests are many fold: For me For him For my therapist For our marriage For finding the right therapist for my husband And who knows what else... and the renovation of our kitchen and bathroom are not finished because of him stalling and putting it off due to him wanting a puppy and refusing to do anything. Right now I can barely function due to the PTSD being completely out of whack from my husband's abuse and my therapist's total disregard for my well being. Thank you for reading this super long prayer request.
  12. Update on My Eyes

    Latest update on my eyes. I suspected for a long time that I might have ocular rosacea. I have rosacea on my face and have mostly healed it through eliminating everything I'm allergic to in the way of food. My apple cider vinegar (ACV) routine has helped as well. Yesterday my ophthalmologist diagnosed me with ocular rosacea. I saw at times that my left eye, especially eyelid, was reddened often even though I judiciously followed my twice daily eye care regimen. At one point, there was a rash which covered the whole area around my left eye. I found it was due to the food coloring annatto. My eye doctor prescribed an antibiotic in order to increase and change the oil level in my eyes.
  13. My father used to call himself by two different names. I always believed it was to confuse me. Maybe there was another reason. So it's interesting what you wrote about your father having a twin. I've got a lot of hints about twins in my system. And I've written several novels about twins being born. Twins are a theme in quite a few things in my life. Plus I had an abortion, once, and they were twins. Because of the abortion a former therapist erroneously assumed I was a breeder in an SRA cult. That wasn't true. The therapist was ill informed about my life and what happened to me specifically. She based her assumptions on a course she took about SRA and thought everything I shared was about that.
  14. I had groups of alters emerge which all contained the same beginning initials. One was all "H's" and another all "A's" and so forth. I don't think there was every letter of the alphabet though it seemed like it. Then I had Control Central 1 and 2. All of those are integrated. My system consisted of a hall of mirrors, a looking glass mirror for integration, and concentric circles. I stopped counting and keeping track of the number of alters/fragments when I reached the 180 mark. It was better to focus on what was emerging memory wise than alter/fragment wise.
  15. I've got a complex poly-fragmented system of alters. The bulk of them are integrated and more have emerged recently. My CIA handler was my father. He did the MC with me and much more. It took me a long time to figure this out and now it all makes sense. Admitting it was just as difficult as remembering it.