Mea kakau

Thank you for asking, Shel. All itchiness and rashes are gone. Thank God. The friendship is dwindling away. And I'm ready for it to go now. It took awhile for me to accept the loss. I am at peace with where things are going with the relationship.

Hi eileenhat, Great post. Thank you. I came to writing through the Lord giving me the ministry. I did not ask for it. Before that I was in music ministry, playing the flute on worship teams. At the church I was attending at the time, the pastor asked if there was anything we wanted to let go of and to stand. I did. I had no idea what the prayer was about. He asked us to close our eyes and extend our arms palms up and imagine that what we were letting go of was in them. The first thing which came to me was letting my music ministry go. I was shocked that thought would come to me. I imagined my flute lying on my hands, and I offered it to God to do with as He pleased (as instructed by the pastor). I felt lighter as the music ministry was lifted from me. Then the pastor said, "Now receive what the Lord has for you." A heavy weight fell onto both of my hands. It weighed so much that I had to sit in order to hold it on my lap. The Lord showed me it was a huge book filled with many books. As given to me in several dreams, I got the message that I'd be able to read between the lines and derive deeper meaning from that. I heard Him say again and again, "Write." I remember one woman at the church being shocked that had laid down the music ministry. She said that must not be from God what you're hearing. She loved my flute playing. And that is how I came into the ministry of writing. For the first twelve years of writing, I had not sought to publish anything nor had I felt the nudging of the Holy Spirit to go that direction. All of my writing was used for healing from my dysfunctional family of origin and my father's abuse. In 2015, I sensed a change in the direction of my writing through the Holy Spirit. Still I hadn't made the move to publish. I am just now turning that corner.

Thank you missmuffet and yowm. I read that part in gotquestions.org and still wondered about other aspects of those scriptures. Yowm, you helped me understand somethings further as well. I don't feel driven nor that I'm leading the Spirit. Though I feel burdened by all that Lord has given me in terms of talents, abilities, and spiritual gifts. Clearly the Lord has not given me money. And that's okay by me. I used to struggle with that. I've learned to live on what I have and even to pay off my debt. And I've prayed that the Lord would show me how to use everything He's given me. Since I started writing my newest novel, which goes in a direction which is more redeeming than I felt the last one had, I've gotten more revelations about where this is going as well. Previously I wrote a whole novel and was at a loss as to where it fit in the scheme of things. And now I figured out where it goes by following the Holy Spirit's lead.

From everyone who has been given much, much will be required; and to whom they entrusted much, of him they will ask all the more. Luke 12:48 I've been given this prophecy and word of knowledge many times as a Christian. The first time I was a baby Christian, having just given my life to the Lord. My friend said to me that I had been given much and much would be required of me. Not to be bragging, but my friend knew I had many abilities and talents and then God gave me many spiritual gifts. I've always felt this huge burden over my life since my friend quoted this scripture and told me God would expect much from me. Recently I finished writing a huge novel, nearly 1000 pages, and people said they were moved by it and that the novel changed their lives. It was not one I'd publish for the general public as it contained many of the memories of the horrid things I witnessed and what was done to me. Not long after I posted the final chapter, I repented for not using my writing gift to glorify God and further His Kingdom, and asked Him how He wanted me to use my talent for writing. I felt that this kind of story was leading me astray so maybe it was doing the same for those who read it (???). I know for years the Lord wanted me to use writing novels for healing from my abuse. Though now I don't believe that's true any more. I wanted to add that I wanted to continue on down the path of writing more novels like this huge one. However God gave me a repetitive dream. I had it three nights in a row before I knew something had to change. I needed to repent and go another direction in my writing. I dreamt that there was an earthquake in my house (not outside of it). The only place where there was destruction was my office I use for writing. The wall to my left was crumbling, huge bricks falling away. I knew exactly what the dream meant: I was sinning and needed to repent and change my ways. Is this supposed to be a huge burden hanging over me? Do I strive to use all of my gifts, talents, and abilities for God's glory and to further His Kingdom and stop worrying whether I'm doing enough or the right thing or going the right direction? Or always be in prayer for His guidance in the direction I've undertaken? Can I really use all of these abilities, talents, and spiritual gifts? Seems as if I'd need to discern which ones could be used in concert with each other and use those rather than all that has been given me. Seems overwhelming to me is what I'm trying to say. Something which goes with this.... When I attended a church for the first time (moved many times so not church shopping) I used to dive in head long and used as many of my abilities, talents, and spiritual gifts as possible. Then I felt used as I watched others just sit around not participating in their church. As I grew as a Christian, I started to take a different stance. I held back and discerned which ministry God could use me the most. So would that be going against that scripture Luke 12:48 because I'm not using all that has been given to me?

Thank you all for your prayers. We received the check yesterday as promised. Thank you Lord!

Well, I am pleased to give all of those who responded to this topic a praise report. My Christian brother who owes me the money just called me and stated that he's sending me the money ASAP. He apologized for not paying the debt in a timely manner. He told me he had intended to pay it, but had forgotten about it and that he never had the money. He does now. Wow! Praise God!

For the most part, the itchiness is gone and the rash has completely subsided. I followed a protocol I used before for the overgrowth of staph. That along with painting my body with iodine has helped it to heal. And of course your wonderful prayers. Thank you all for praying for my healing. Right now on the friendship. An interesting situation has occurred several times. My friend's cell phone voice mail system has failed each time I tried to leave a message. Hm. God at work? I think so. I'm not feeling as alone as I thought I would without having her friendship. Here it is over a month since I've last spoken to her on the phone and I'm not missing it. I've been praying more than I used to and relying on Jesus more. I've prayed about how that relationship has changed as well. When I first sought the Lord I desperately needed a father because both of my earthly fathers were horrible people. I am no longer seeking that need in the same way and so my Heavenly Father and I now have a different relationship. It's taken me going through the friendship loss and the intense itchiness to realize how things have changed. I am grateful for going through a challenge which has brought me closer to the Lord in a whole new way.

Wow JNS! That's my story too. I had an emotionally and physically abusive mother, an emotionally distant stepdad, and a horribly abusive father. I've suffered from the anxiety and codependency as well. And Jesus became my only friend. I saw a Christian counselor who suggested something which became life changing: Confront the abuser and their behavior. The only downfall of this new task was it had to be done every single time and the person could never get away with abuse. That part I wasn't certain I could follow through with though because it required constant diligence on my part. And at the time, I was remembering the horrible abuse suffered by my father. However after several months of confronting my husband's behavior, it became second nature to me. Countless times I thought I'd end our marriage. I even left him two different times. Through the confronting of his behavior, we managed to stay together for 31 years and counting. During this time I confronted my husband I also learned his love language. I know that was a major part of my success with confronting my husband. I had to learn how to confront him so that he'd understand my pain when he was abusive to me. For me that meant saying to him something that would be an example for him of how he might feel if someone said something abusive to him. Sounds complicated yet it worked. So he needed to hear what that abuse would sound/feel like to him. When he realized how he was hurting me, something I don't think he comprehended before I started to confront him, he started to change. The most wonderful part of this was it led to some very deep conversations with my husband about his childhood and mine. And that led to some more joyful times with him. We became closer as a result. We both come from abusive childhoods filled with emotional and physical neglect. I "divorced" myself from my family of origin because they were too abusive. That helped me in my own healing. Note: The counselor suggested the confronting because my husband was never physically abusive or violent with me and therefore he wouldn't be unpredictable. Both my husband and I are Christians.

Thank you for your prayer JesusGivesLifeMeaning. I had the least amount of itching today. Thank goodness! I'm still home.

No problem with the rant. Unfortunately, I've experienced the same problems with friends. Thank you for understanding and the hug and the prayers.

I don't know where to start this story. It's a long one. Thanks in advance for reading this long post. Back in 2006 I had two medical problems which doctors couldn't diagnose. I met this Christian lady through an online word game. Right from the start she prayed for me to get the correct diagnoses. Then we got separated when the word game's connection got messed up. Meanwhile, one of the medical conditions got diagnosed in the nick of time. Had I waited and listened to this one doctor, who thought I was hysterical and seeking attention from doctors (just the opposite—I avoid doctors), I would have been blind in one eye. I had prayed for the Lord to guide me in what to do and where to go. It took 10 months to get a diagnosis. The other medical condition took much more persistence and 11 visits to EDs at two different hospitals to receive a diagnosis. At one hospital I was essentially called hysterical and menopausal. "Go home and take two aspirin and go to bed." In fact the hospital took an x-ray which proved I was not hysterical, yet they didn't know the diagnosis so they overlooked the major symptom (chest pain) and the sign (x-ray with enlarged heart). Nearly two years after the first symptom appeared in late 2005, I received a proper diagnosis. During my suffering and eventual diagnoses and after that time, I stopped trusting doctors because of their condescending attitude toward me and my suffering. I only found three doctors, all specialists, who I can trust. Though one of them blamed me a couple of times for things which turned out to be not enough medicine to stop symptoms. I've got an ongoing medical condition for which I take daily medicine. The other specialist saved my eyesight through telephone conversations with an ED doctor. And the last one, a cardiologist, prevented lasting problems with my heart from the condition affecting it. My friend from online and I got to know each other from 2007 onward. We started talking and praying on the phone together. It was a healthy sounding relationship from the outside. That is until I actually met her in person and realized she had several serious mental problems which she never fully addressed with a psychiatrist. Her mental issues wouldn't be a problem if they only affected her. She told me about some fraudulent activities she engaged in on a regular basis. And then she committed the fraudulent act with me on the phone. She was speaking on her cellphone and committing a white-collar crime. I was dumbfounded and disturbed. All I could do was pray about her criminal behavior. I've never felt it was appropriate to fully confront her. I questioned her about it and that's it. It's interesting that just this year stores are putting an end to encouraging this type of behavior; buying something and using it for a period of time and then returning it and demanding their money back. My friend used the item on a daily basis for 6 months and returned it in deplorable condition for a refund and a new free set. Apparently, she's done this for many years and the high-end department store never stopped her. It's an item one typically buys more than one set of and changes them on a weekly basis. She purposely bought only one set. Essentially she receives a free set of this item every 6 months. She pays a small return fee for it. And knowing her as I've come to know her, she most likely purchased the most expensive brand of this item. And she's done it with other items and stores as well. She told me about some of those exchanges. After I talked to her about doing those criminal acts, she stopped having me on the phone while she committed them. Sigh. That was a huge relief. I mean when she committed them that's the only time I knew about them occurring. No warnings. Over time her fraudulent activities took a huge toll on our relationship. Even with prayer, I could never stop thinking about her behavior. I feel that our relationship is essentially over. We hardly converse any more. I've met her only twice in person and couldn't tolerate being around her on a regular basis. I've had two therapists warn me to keep the relationship as distant and as infrequent as possible, including phone calls, due to the woman's white-collar crimes. So here I am in the new year friendless and...ill again. I think my dog's cancer could be the final straw in our relationship. Her husband is dying of cancer. She can't handle any more stress. Our friendship last 8 and a half years. I asked for prayer on this forum about my itchy skin, and it's finally revealed itself to be a staph infection, cellulitis. I've never had an infection on this scale before. Yikes! It's traveling all over my upper body. It started with an allergic reaction to blue and yellow food dye. I've had cellulitis twice before in my legs, both times due to allergic reactions to something (which I didn't know at the time). Although even during my last visit to the hospital for treatment, I failed to understand the underlying reason I got cellulitis. A nurse told me it's my lot in life. I refused to take that on as my truth. I vowed to uncover the real reason for these bouts of cellulitis. And now I finally have my answer—allergies. Today I'm going to the ED at a hospital I trust. I know I'll be admitted and filled with antibiotics. In 2015 I was admitted to the same hospital with cellulitis and treated. A doctor on call asked if I had a personal physician. I said I had one. I did but...that doctor had said something really stupid to me. I'm a survivor of ritual abuse, and the doctor told me I should be over it by now. Wow, seriously? The memories came in 2010, originally some in 1988 but not much then. The doctor was questioning my long time on disability (since 1992 due to extreme PTSD). When the doctor realized what I had remembered, he stopped telling me to get over it. Though he never apologized. So now I'm doctor-less again. I prayed for a doctor with compassion and the Lord sent me one and I declined her services. I know this is like the man on the roof in the flood story and the Lord sending him a boat. Please pray that I would ask for a doctor recommendation and that the same doctor would offer her services to me again. The last time she asked me. Duh! As for friends, ugh, not certain I want to go there just yet, again. I need time to heal from this last one. I live on an island. Quite isolating. Before this I lived on a land-locked part of the US which was like living on an island. Only two places like that in the US. Island life is good for writing loads of stories yet isolating for friendships. I live in an area where there's a huge influx of temporary people. And I'm an true introvert and thrive on being alone.

Hi Abby-Joy, He had a boyfriend/lover and sometimes they killed together. That boyfriend also abused me and got me pregnant which made my father furious. After that they never worked together again. My father might have murdered the guy. Anyone who crossed him always disappeared from his life, permanently.

Hi Blue Lotus, I've mostly forgiven myself. I think the worst of it is the haunting images of what I saw and certain words which trigger those images. I pray someday those images will dissipate forever. Yet that hasn't happened yet. I'll continue to call out to God whenever one of those words comes to mind. Sometimes it's seeing a knife facing an odd way. Sometimes it's a knife placed in the dishwasher pointed upwards. Much of the triggers center around seeing knives. I had to hide all of my knives in a drawer because they triggered me too much. My husband respects that trigger and doesn't complain about the inconvenience. Occasionally though he'll leave a box cutter in the open position and I'll see it and get triggered.

Hello Blue Lotus, My father was never caught. I have no contact with him. I doubt he's still hunting and killing, but who knows. He kept himself physically fit. He'd been in his 80s. Statistics show serial killers either get sloppy and get caught or get too old to perform the tasks required to hunt/kill or die of old age. I think my father is the one who will never be caught and die of old age. I've reported him to the cold case division in the state where the crimes occurred and never heard back from them.

I know that is true for me and all the things I suffered with my father. God kept me sane during the abuse and being forced to watch the abuse of others. I had several psychotic breaks without permanent damage. Even though I had physical injuries from my father's abuse, I'm able to write and type. Eating is still a problem though as I was originally left handed until my father broke my left arm. I know God can heal that too. The Lord used drawing to help heal my hand and my heart. I was able to draw the words I couldn't speak. So yes, anything is possible with God.

Hi Abby, I'm still praying that someone reaches out to him. I don't live in the state where he lives.

As a child my family never went to church until I was a teen. It was an interfaith church without any real direction. Basically a bunch of mishmash rather than anything beneficial and blending different religions into one more religion. Confusing. For the next 25 years I became a full-fledged New Ager, delving into every aspect of it. Deep down inside I kept asking "what more is there?" I never found it until the day I came to the end of myself. I literally wanted to end it all on that day. Instead I called the number on a business card a friend, who was a Christian, had given me. The day was February 16, 1991. I'll never forget how much my life changed since accepting Jesus as my Lord and Savior. From that day forward, the Lord has given me visions, dreams, words of knowledge, and wisdom on a regular basis. Things I couldn't possibly know any other way were given to me. I couldn't read the Bible because of how I was abused and yet the Lord revealed His truth to me, speaking to me audibly.

After reading everything you all wrote and discovering this man owes a company nearly 100 times more than he owes me, I've completely let this go of this debt and decided to not contact the man's senior pastor.

Thank you Openly Curious. After purchasing my newest Bible I realized why I liked the other I had. It's an inductive study Bible. I'll have to literally dig my other one out from under my monitor. It never elevated it enough anyhow.

Thank you Rare Bird. This is my line of thinking too. I know my father as well. Though he hasn't had a formal diagnosis from a psychiatrist, doubt if he'd ever go to one either because there's nothing wrong with him, my therapists have confirmed that he is a psychopath. And this is why I wonder whether he can surrender to the Lord. I seriously doubt it. It wouldn't be a genuine repentance because he never once had remorse or empathy for anything he did to me or others. And not every serial killer is a psychopath. Though I'd love for my father to come to the Lord. I just don't think it's possible for him.

Thank and bless you Retrobyter and woundeddog, those are words I needed to hear/read. Loved the Bible references. Something to study and read again and again.

That's not what I meant. More along the lines of a psycopath lying. He'd look me straight in the eye and lie to me. Make sense? I guess though God would be the only one who could see the man's true heart.

Can it be genuine though? I doubt my father would confess his sins as he never once admitted to me that he had done anything wrong. He believed he was doing God and the world good by ridding them of these despicable children. I guess I need to do some in depth Bible study to come to terms with all of this. It's confusing to me. It's not that I don't want my father to be saved. I know one is saved by the grace of God. Maybe there's no reasoning that reality. I don't know if I'm making sense.

The thing which concerns me is that my father was a psychopath and a narcissist (a given with a psychopath), and as such he's incapable of remorse. So how does a person who doesn't feel remorse for his criminal acts ask Jesus Christ into his life? It's obvious, according to the Bible, that Paul had remorse for murdering Christians.

I hope this is the right place for this. My father was a serial killer. He murdered homeless children. He abused and tortured them first. He forced me to participate and watch. I was abused and tortured too. I've forgiven him for what he did to me. I've forgiven myself for participating in the deaths of those children. I'm still coming to terms with forgiving him for what he did to those children. If my father accepted Jesus as his Lord and Savior would he go to Heaven? Does he still have to answer for what he did to me and those children? Would that be called purgatory? (Note: Many serial killers have also been Christians, believing they are ridding the world of filth, etc.) And what about those children he murdered? Most likely they were too young to come to Christ. They were involved in the the sex trade. What happens when they die? Heaven? Purgatory? What exactly is purgatory?