Thank you for posting your thoughts. I find in grieving times, sharing experiences help.
I do not know if this will help you, but this is my experience.
for 3 years I was mentally ill and blamed it on God. I could not fathom why God would allow me to become so restless, 24/7. I Pushed God away, yet deeply, I knew without him life wouldn't have much meaning.
within those three years of restlessness, I prayed hard many times for God to take my restlessness away from me. I found myself praying more and more often about it, then.. eventually applying more of Jesus' teachings into my daily life. I began to love Jesus and centre my life around him. I gave up some worldly ambitions, fleshly desires and now, my mental illness is no longer with me because of this, and I am thankful for that every day.