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Daughter of God

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  1. Need MASSIVE Prayers to stay on God's Path

    Thanks. I really appreciate the support here. I wish I had better news to report. I don't know why I'm just so relentlessly "unlucky." It's always been this way. Feel frighteningly close to giving up, and I don't want to.
  2. Need MASSIVE Prayers to stay on God's Path

    Thanks, everyone. I don't have the presence of mind to write much today, but I'm doing about the same physically. My head feels like weird, blank. Maybe from not eating enough, I don't know. I'm so worried about everything today -- I woke up and it felt like the devil was there, trying to get me to freak out. God let me know he can't hurt me, but he's still been trying to just unsettle me as much as possible, hoping to prod me into sin. Well, that's not happening, I'm too tired and just disinterested in all the weird thoughts he suggested. But I am worried -- I'm not earning any money, I have to be out of this apartment by the 31st, and I haven't even booked a plane ticket, a hotel, anything. I don't even know where I'm going yet! I've had a few emails and phone calls about jobs I applied to -- sales jobs, mostly, that feel like long-shots or temporary solutions with no job security -- but I'm too intimidated/scared/exhausted/overwhelmed to respond to any of them. I've told myself I'll do it later...but I'm afraid I won't. Procrastinating terribly recently. Feel like I'm caught in an avalanche, getting buried under just too much.
  3. Need MASSIVE Prayers to stay on God's Path

    Thank you. I really don't understand the extreme struggles and trials. All my fervor for a new life is gone. My hope is close to gone, too. I know the devil is at work, but I really don't understand why God doesn't strengthen me more in light of challenges so extreme -- and I don't just mean the flu here: it's been extreme beyond anything I've ever seen in others, my whole life. It isn't just this passing sickness. I also have many severe ongoing health problems, and this is just compounding it all....not to mention the past, the psychological baggage, the external circumstances...more than I have the energy to go into here. I don't know. I just don't understand why God doesn't...do more. If not to heal me, OK, that's one thing. But not to break me out of sin when I keep trying so hard? Not to get me out of a destructive life into a virtuous, (at least spiritually) healthy one? When I keep trying, when I've been trying as hard as I have for as long as I have? And why keep me alone, isolated from ANY outside help? ALL my life??? I don't get it. And I feel very close to despair, more and more as the years go by and nothing changes but only gets worse and worse -- in terms of my own spiritual life, too, not just my external life. In terms of my character and virtue. It's not making me stronger; it's making me worse in every way. Physically, I seem to be better today, but still not well enough to go to church. I wonder if God just doesn't want me to go. Maybe it's the wrong one, I don't know. I slept through the night, but still not enough sleep total, and I don't feel well rested at all.
  4. Need MASSIVE Prayers to stay on God's Path

    This means no church again this weekend.
  5. Need MASSIVE Prayers to stay on God's Path

    ANOTHER setback! God, what is going ON??? I woke shivering at 4AM last night, and my sickness has promptly returned to what it was days ago. This is killing me! At least I got back to sleep...which means I got a total of 6-7 hours of broken sleep, but that really isn't enough for me. Especially in my current state. I somehow forced myself through my prayers this morning, but I read only a couple Bible verses... I feel so discouraged.
  6. Need MASSIVE Prayers to stay on God's Path

    Thank you! So far, so good, 15 minutes a day. Praying I can keep it up. And I'm getting better!
  7. Healing from abusive father

    I'm sorry for how you've suffered. I have a very similar past in many respects, though it wasn't from a sociopathic father thankfully. I have to say, the way you talk about "negative ties" sounds suspiciously New Age. If you've ever had any sort of involvement with occultic practices, please drop that kind of thinking and move as swiftly as you can in God's direction! He is omnipotent; He has already destroyed satan's power. Don't worry too much about inherited or learned traits if you're not willfully sinning: these things are based in genetics and psychology; they're not "curses," and there's nothing wrong with being who you are even if it doesn't correspond to expected/average social "norms." There is no need for you to fear the devil, only to have nothing to do with him and leave him no entrance into your life. Too much fear is definitely an entrance, as I can attest from experience. I'm sorry I can't elaborate any further without triggering myself. If you don't already have one, I strongly suggest you find an able, well-informed pastor (or therapist) to help you through these issues. I think they're more psychological than anything else. If you've chosen Christ, the devil cannot interfere with that (though of course he'll try to trouble you in his impotence because lying and scaring is all he can do). But of course that doesn't mean past abuse magically stops affecting you psychologically. Hatred and fear are not spiritual connections; it's quite natural (though unhealthy) for you to feel those emotions toward a child abuser. Letting go has to involve therapy of some kind, almost certainly. At the very least, you need to work through these things a lot more than you obviously have, with a trusted, empathetic guide who will let you air things out without judgment and without interfering with the natural, sometimes painful and unruly healing process. Lastly, you mentioned your father is a tormented man. I hesitate to say this, and I could very well be wrong, but...sociopaths generally aren't tormented about their condition. Of course, he could certainly be tormented about other things, like external circumstances that prevent him from getting exactly what he wants when he wants it (because sociopaths feel so entitled, etc.), and maybe that's what you meant. And I'm not sure what sort of abuse you're talking about here, either, so that could definitely be another big proof of sociopathy. But I assumed it was primarily emotional and physical abuse, with things being worse than average because of his extreme coldness. If this is the case, are you quite sure he is a sociopath? I know they're real; I've had the misfortune of knowing two, actually. But it's also possible that he might have some completely different problem. Even Aspies can seem extraordinarily cold to ordinary people, though they're rarely as heartless as they can come off. Just a thought...you say you love him, but if he's a real sociopath, he can't love you (because they can't experience empathy). I only say this because I've seen some people reactively label their parents out of extreme (though understandable) anger, fear, pain...sometimes inaccurately. Sociopaths get pleasure out of causing others pain - it's malice, not simply "hardness," and they can use people easily like objects, even little children, because they just feel no human connection with anyone. If they seem to, it's faked to get what they want. They also tend to be irresponsible with money, "never faithful," and self-aggrandizing. If that's him, I'm very sorry, and that would definitely be a sociopath. If that seems beyond his level, though...it may be worth some more study. God bless and guide you.
  8. Need MASSIVE Prayers to stay on God's Path

    Thank you! I slept through the night yesterday and last night, and the night before, I managed 8 broken hours. I've also got my medicine now, and I'm healing, albeit more slowly than I'd like. I've been reading the Bible since yesterday. But I haven't been to church in well over a week, and I do miss that. I don't know, for some reason I'm spiritually weakened. I made some choices even during sickness that I'm not sure of, but I'm praying God will guide me rightly going forward. I'm still not sure where I'm moving on the 31st. No flight or hotel booked yet, even. One job I'm really interested in has a really shoddy recruiter; he keeps not returning my emails, and I wonder if God wants me to push or just let this one go. Without it, though, I have no other real prospects, so I'd just have the online job, which would probably leave me feeling kind of stranded in a new city. I don't even have an address to give my friends yet...I keep putting them off, and it's getting down to the wire here. The job I want, though, is in a more expensive city, so I can't move there without a reasonable chance of getting the job. And with this guy delaying day after day...I can't even get to the actual company except through him, so it's quite frustrating. The boss himself could be great, and I wouldn't know it. Trying not to worry and just trust God to take care of things. I'm afraid of falling into my old pattern of isolation after the move, though, after I've made all this fuss about "turning over a new leaf," etc. I'm afraid things will be exactly as they've been if I only work online. I really have to at least get a dog... Sorry this is semi-incoherent. I'm still not at my best mentally -- I've barely been eating. No idea why. No appetite.
  9. Creative Writers?

    So are you in college now? If so, it sounds like it might be worth your while to try writing for the university paper or lit mag. I've never been a big poetry reader myself, for whatever reason. I think it's because the stuff I was introduced to early on inspired an intense dislike (a lot of "multicultural" public school crap), and though I truly like the good stuff I found later on, it's still hard for me to get into it. There's some kind of automatic resistance deep down to that form of literature. I keep meaning to try to develop more of a taste for real poets like Dryden and Dickinson, but I never seem to find the time. Regarding my characters, it's not that they don't grow into the plot; it's just that I, personally, have trouble sticking with them through the plot: it's too painful a journey. Healing is good, but sometimes it hurts to go through it, if you know what I mean. Best of luck to you.
  10. Porn??? What on EARTH does that have to do with any of this? UGH! I have never used that smut in my life! Mostly because it's filled with degrading, anti-human, usually misogynistic demonic themes - and these days, often sodomy, S&M, and other perversions. I know this far better than I'd like because I was involved with researching its massive HARMS for years. Wish I hadn't been, frankly. Messed me up just knowing about that kind of evil, and I don't appreciate being reminded of it this way as I was participating in it. NO, that is not what this is about, and please don't lump that filth in there with legitimate, mainstream entertainment/art. And for the record, no, that is not what all horror movies are about, either. But I'd already decided I'm better of without those for other reasons already listed, so I'm not going to let this blanket generalization change my decision. As to the rest, this really doesn't tell me anything I don't already know. I'm leaning increasingly toward the conclusion that LOTR, Harry Potter, and the like are fine, and that there are no solid reasons against them, only knee-jerk reactions against inconsequential plot elements and a lot of fear-mongering. If you'd read the first post, you'd already know that I'm well aware that discernment is the only real way to know for sure, and you'd know the purpose of this thread. I won't repeat myself anymore. Too sick and tired.
  11. Need MASSIVE Prayers to stay on God's Path

    Well, back where I started. I couldn't sleep all last night until 6AM, woke two hours later, and have been up ever since despite staying in bed for 6 hours trying to get back to sleep, and just to stay rested. I don't feel as bad, though, as far as I can tell, so maybe it was due to taking my Vitamin D so late yesterday ~4PM. I took in the morning as usual today...which may or may not help. *sigh* I really don't know what to do. I'm painfully aware that I'll neither regain my spiritual strength nor my health without adequate sleep. Yet...I'm not falling asleep! I've tried everything from music, to "not trying," to games...Maybe I should try prayer. I've been asking, of course, but I mean sometimes extended, deep prayer will actually induce sleep. I try not to do that because I don't finish or remember prayers, but maybe I should just allow it to happen. If I can manage to induce it this time. Worth a shot. I'm supposed to have a phone interview today, too. Grr.
  12. Need MASSIVE Prayers to stay on God's Path

    Thank you so much. I got ~7 more hours of sleep! Woke up feeling...SO much better! Not a 100% yet, but some symptoms are much better, and I haven't felt this healthy or peaceful in so long, at least psychologically. There's nothing quite like being well-rested for feeling healthy and peaceful, is there? I feel happy, actually - partly, the "performance anxiety" around sleep is gone. I really do need to start going to bed much earlier, though it might look a little different today (? hope not) since I slept most of the day. Slept right through Sunday services, but I know it was God's will. I was too sick to go anyway, and right now He wants me well. Won't get my medicine till tomorrow, but I'm going to do all I can. Definitely feel more secure in Him and stronger. Feel SO grateful right now. *Contented sigh* I'm going to just keep myself calm and do something very relaxing today. Scripture reading, for sure, and maybe watch some old favorite movies. Very light stuff that won't rile me in any way. Need to recuperate and give myself the space/time to do it. THANK GOD!!! And thank you all for your prayers, I just know they helped!
  13. Need MASSIVE Prayers to stay on God's Path

    ~5 hours (?) of sleep. If I'm lucky. *Sigh* At this rate, I won't make it to church today, either. I didn't last night - I tried to go, but I couldn't get farther than the end of the block, with the cold wind blowing in my face, making my fading symptoms flare up again. I knew I had to turn right back around and get back in bed. It would've felt fine if I weren't sick...but I really hate this place. It's the middle of SUMMER: it should be HOT. I shouldn't have to turn the heater on in the middle of August! I can't wait to get out of here. But right now, I just want to recover. And I'm still feeling the setback; my throat is still worse, and I've been having cold sweats for hours. That's what woke me - the unnaturally cold air around me hitting my sweat-soaked skin, chilling me. Miserable and gross. Ugh. TMI, sorry. Everything seems to be wrong. I even have a toothache I can't do anything about. And headaches have been nearly constant since...Friday? At least. I'm really in a state. I just wish my mind would at least clear, get back to normal. I feel feverish all around. And still no medicine. The apt office was locked yesterday afternoon, so I doubt it'll be left open today for deliveries. And if deliveries can't get in - no medicine till Monday. And I definitely can't handle a trek all the way to the store. God, help me! I know the devil is using this illness, too. I always get weaker when I'm sick, averse to the concentration prayer requires. No energy. And no energy to resist, either. I'm weakening every day, slipping. I haven't changed my decision to stick with what I know so far and leave the questions for when I'm better, but it's hard to stick to that resolution now. I keep slipping and catching myself. I'm weary and impatient, wondering why God doesn't just help me - either make me stronger or make some/all of this stop. Even though I know that's irrational, that it's a devil's snare. It's his lying logic, and force of habit. I know I need to pray, read the Bible, and I don't know why I don't. I just don't seem to have the internal energy it would take to focus.
  14. Need MASSIVE Prayers to stay on God's Path

    Thank you! Self-sabotaging in terms of illness, hopefully not prolonging my muddled state, and I've barely read the Bible or prayed today, but I'm not budging in terms of temptation.
  15. Hi, Wayne. Thanks. I completely agree about putting on the whole armor of God. I read Ephesians 6 every morning, so it's funny you mentioned that. I'm trying to figure out what's light and what's darkness here, and I guess I'm just having a really hard time understanding why some people would consider these kinds of books and movies bad. I mean, what's the reasoning behind it? The simple fact of having magic or demons in them, even though Tolkien and Rowling are Christians, and the demons in exorcism movies are never portrayed as somehow attractive? I just don't get it without knowing your reasons for rejecting these things as bad. Of course we should reject darkness, but how is this darkness? What you said about chess and distractions - yes, I think the devil uses anything to induce spiritual sloth. And I certainly struggle without, even though I want to read the Bible and pray, and I know I should. I know that's the key to becoming better with discernment and staying strong. I don't know why it's so hard to do that, but that's another story, I guess. Time for everything is hard to make in modern life, I guess. Nothing actually seems more worthwhile than God to me now that I'm turning back to Him. That's part of why I'm asking about this stuff. I haven't read those books in a long time, actually, or watched those movies in months. But I do want to know how I should behave going forward - I don't want to do anything that would jeopardize my walk with God. But I still don't understand if or why these things would. Do they lead me to wrong thoughts and wrong desires? (Definitely agree that it's important to avoid what does...REALLY hard, though, but other things tempt me more than this allegedly "dark" stuff.) Hm, it's been a long time since I watched/read...I'm not sure. I think LOTR, if anything, led me to good thoughts and desires...or at least a mix. HP...been too long, not sure. The horror movies...actually, yeah, they did scare me and made me remember images of brutality and blasphemies for days afterward, even though those things never seemed appealing. They also tended to make me think of and fear the devil more, and I guess that's not good. And they just tended to upset me...savagery freaks me out. Leaning away from horror, I guess...the rest, I'm still totally confused. I agree with the principles you've put forth - strongly. I just don't understand at all how those principles apply to these specific things in the way you seem to be implying.