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Daughter of God

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  1. Need MASSIVE Prayers to stay on God's Path

    I'm still afloat, my money draining from hotel stays. I really need to find a nice, safe place ASAP. But I know God is taking care of me, and will take care of me, though it's hard for my PTSD-altered brain/body chemistry to behave accordingly. My gut is writhing with anxiety, and it's hard not to panic. Even after the other night. I don't know how much detail to divulge. I felt the need to praise God at the time, but I actually feel I'm not supposed to really talk about it, so I won't. (I'm not speaking of visions or anything freaky like that. It was very concrete, tangible, and inarguably REAL. An ACT, not a feeling.) It was just amazing, and I swore I'd never doubt Him or give up again. Though, weirdly, my feelings haven't changed a lot -- I'm sure He'll take care of me, yet I still find myself emotionally freaking out. I know I have to walk in faith, and His grace *is* there if I'll let the peace into my heart, willing to move in trust. But God is it hard to do that if you have a lifetime of not being able to trust anyone. It goes against long-ingrained chemical workings in my injured brain... Anyway... I'm stuck with open network wifi at a hotel, so it's a huge task booking anything. I really need to find a place to *live* immediately. Like, within the next week. I can't afford to go on indefinitely this way. I don't have a home or family or...anyone...to fall back on, or turn to. So I'll need to just pick a place in this coming week, and pray God gives me good options. That He opens the right doors, etc. - and closes the wrong ones tight! (I have a terrible panic-impulse to choose those, especially when I fear for my security...it usually backfires. Though I hope I know better after this last move of God's.) Praying this floating ends, and I can finally settle down this week. And find a good local job, or at least an online job with adequate pay...but one thing at a time, I guess.
  2. Need MASSIVE Prayers to stay on God's Path

    GOD IS AMAZING!!! I can't say more, I'm dead on my feet. Have a blessed night!
  3. Need MASSIVE Prayers to stay on God's Path

    I'm really torn between this and a couple other options that have presented themselves...one, I really just don't want, but it's close to everything, and cheapest. The other, cheap, but may be tricky location-wise, getting to places. Both nicer than the $550 place I saw yesterday...now I really don't know what to do. Just praying God will keep working and showing me the way I should walk...although it's been horribly hard spiritually since last night, when my health started dipping again - this time it's the old, chronic issues. All of which have gotten worse over time. I really need to get settled ASAP so I can see a doctor. While I still have insurance, which is only till October. I'm really not in the right physical state to be making all these changes. It's hard dealing with the injustice of it all - the long-term health problems, physical even more than psychological (?) - of others' crimes against me. As a child, no less, mostly. Long story I don't care to discuss usually, but I never recovered from some head injuries, and other injuries later. Partly it's the shoddy travel living that's making me so much worse, maybe. I hope so, but you never know, I've been deteriorating in spurts for years...hopefully this is something that will be fixed by adequate sleep again and edible food. I've barely been eating again, and sleeping late/waking early. Need to get settled right away, so I need to force myself to just pick already. Praying God guides my choices...
  4. Need MASSIVE Prayers to stay on God's Path

    So I saw the place today, and I don't know. I'm very nervous. A lot of things seem to point to its being God's will for me, the next right step...but I don't trust the landlady, I haven't met the roommates - though I have one girl's number, and should call her - and it's awkward to reach by bus. I don't know about the neighborhood, and it's hardly the nicest place. Seems clean, though, and reasonable for the price, I guess. But I've felt, for days, it's the right one, the one God brought me in answer to my prayers. It's not just the price, it's a lot of things going right regarding it, things I somehow felt would happen, and they did. Seems like God reassuring me? Timing, its popping onto my radar without apparent explanation, the landlady picking me up to go see it...I can move in right away, and the bus takes me right to church, from 2-ish blocks away. I'm so nervous, though. I don't like that I haven't met the roommates first, even though my room itself would have its own lock and key, and I don't like how the landlady didn't seem trustworthy...a little too eager about getting me in there, clearly thrilled because she could tell I'd make a responsible tenant. Yet...I do want to get settled already, I hate things being up in the air, floating with my stuff here...and I do feel it's God's will... The lease would only be for 6 months. I could always find a better place by March.
  5. Need MASSIVE Prayers to stay on God's Path

    Amen! I spent most of the day out today looking at places and out by the ocean. I also made it to church, thank God! It all really gave me a lot of peace. And I think I may have found a place! Even cheaper than I'd been hoping for. I still have to see about a few details, and see a couple other places, but I think this may be the right one. Praise God!
  6. Need MASSIVE Prayers to stay on God's Path

    Thank you! This lifted my heart in such a way...can't put words to it, but I'm trying to get into the Word more...lately I keep finding passages that fit my situation so well, and they affect me so clearly, I know it's God talking to me.
  7. Need MASSIVE Prayers to stay on God's Path

    Thanks for all the prayers and encouragement! I'm much calmer now that I'm here. My body is still recovering, and I need to find a place to live, but God keeps telling me He'll make a way. I have several options in front of me now, including one workstay in the rainforest -- the only drawback of which is there's no church access but it would only be for a month until I found something permanent -- and one on another island...I don't know which path to choose, but God is encouraging me to trust Him and follow His lead as He unfolds things. I'm trying. It's so peaceful here, somehow I'm relaxing and unclenching after all these years...I think this is why He brought me here, the reason I need to be here. I think it's the only way I'd ever relax. LOL. Stress has possibly been my #1 enemy for so many years, PTSD, continuing to react to minor things as if they were the major things of the past, childhood, etc. This is the only way I'd learn to let go and let Him. I do believe I belong here, and pray He'll plant me firmly in the vineyard He's chosen. You're all in my prayers, too. God bless.
  8. Need MASSIVE Prayers to stay on God's Path

    Thanks a lot, everyone - especially Noone7, for your inspiring perseverance!!! Sorry for the delay. My flu/infection symptoms are mostly gone, but I slipped back into the horrible old habit of self-harm over the weekend. I can definitely still tell God is trying to pry me out of all this, to heal me. But it's been SO LONG since I walked a healthy road and had a healthy attitude unstained by the world's love affair with destructive psychology...I can't really make out the path at all, so I'm finding it really hard to stay on the path. I need to pack, since I'm flying to Kona on Thursday, but I've been laid up in bed trying to regain my strength (from the self-harm and not eating again). I'm excited about Hawaii, but really worried based on a few people's comments about expense and me in particular somehow not being suitable for the place...I feel God telling me that's nonsense, though, and that I shouldn't let a few random people's comments disturb me so much...my gut is telling me this is the next right move. But I have the bad habit of choosing the path of least resistance, and distrusting the high road God points out to me...I think I always feel I, personally, wouldn't be able to make it, can't really achieve happiness or health with a past like mine...etc. The devil's voice, I'm sure. Sometimes it's hard to distinguish it from my own thoughts or the world's prattling, but God is telling me it's important to identify it so I can avoid his suggestions. I did make it to church on Sunday, thank God. I'm hoping to find a good permanent one in Hawaii, and maybe even try to get involved, though that's never gone right so far...but God knows I'm trying, and I want to follow Him. I pray He lets me see the path clearly now, and gives me the guts to follow it.
  9. Need MASSIVE Prayers to stay on God's Path

    Thank you so much. I've been getting slowly better...was able to wander into a church today. And I finally booked a plane ticket, which has given me quite a measure of peace after procrastinating so long. Nonrefundable, one-way to Hawaii...! At least I've got somewhere to go when my lease is up on the 31st...I'm excited, I believe God will support me, and I'm praying. Haven't been reading the Bible as much, but I am praying, and listening to Christian music. I feel God easing me out of the wrong mentality into a greater faith in Him. Helping me re-learn how to be His child.
  10. Need MASSIVE Prayers to stay on God's Path

    Thanks. I really appreciate the support here. I wish I had better news to report. I don't know why I'm just so relentlessly "unlucky." It's always been this way. Feel frighteningly close to giving up, and I don't want to.
  11. Need MASSIVE Prayers to stay on God's Path

    Thanks, everyone. I don't have the presence of mind to write much today, but I'm doing about the same physically. My head feels like weird, blank. Maybe from not eating enough, I don't know. I'm so worried about everything today -- I woke up and it felt like the devil was there, trying to get me to freak out. God let me know he can't hurt me, but he's still been trying to just unsettle me as much as possible, hoping to prod me into sin. Well, that's not happening, I'm too tired and just disinterested in all the weird thoughts he suggested. But I am worried -- I'm not earning any money, I have to be out of this apartment by the 31st, and I haven't even booked a plane ticket, a hotel, anything. I don't even know where I'm going yet! I've had a few emails and phone calls about jobs I applied to -- sales jobs, mostly, that feel like long-shots or temporary solutions with no job security -- but I'm too intimidated/scared/exhausted/overwhelmed to respond to any of them. I've told myself I'll do it later...but I'm afraid I won't. Procrastinating terribly recently. Feel like I'm caught in an avalanche, getting buried under just too much.
  12. Need MASSIVE Prayers to stay on God's Path

    Thank you. I really don't understand the extreme struggles and trials. All my fervor for a new life is gone. My hope is close to gone, too. I know the devil is at work, but I really don't understand why God doesn't strengthen me more in light of challenges so extreme -- and I don't just mean the flu here: it's been extreme beyond anything I've ever seen in others, my whole life. It isn't just this passing sickness. I also have many severe ongoing health problems, and this is just compounding it all....not to mention the past, the psychological baggage, the external circumstances...more than I have the energy to go into here. I don't know. I just don't understand why God doesn't...do more. If not to heal me, OK, that's one thing. But not to break me out of sin when I keep trying so hard? Not to get me out of a destructive life into a virtuous, (at least spiritually) healthy one? When I keep trying, when I've been trying as hard as I have for as long as I have? And why keep me alone, isolated from ANY outside help? ALL my life??? I don't get it. And I feel very close to despair, more and more as the years go by and nothing changes but only gets worse and worse -- in terms of my own spiritual life, too, not just my external life. In terms of my character and virtue. It's not making me stronger; it's making me worse in every way. Physically, I seem to be better today, but still not well enough to go to church. I wonder if God just doesn't want me to go. Maybe it's the wrong one, I don't know. I slept through the night, but still not enough sleep total, and I don't feel well rested at all.
  13. Need MASSIVE Prayers to stay on God's Path

    This means no church again this weekend.
  14. Need MASSIVE Prayers to stay on God's Path

    ANOTHER setback! God, what is going ON??? I woke shivering at 4AM last night, and my sickness has promptly returned to what it was days ago. This is killing me! At least I got back to sleep...which means I got a total of 6-7 hours of broken sleep, but that really isn't enough for me. Especially in my current state. I somehow forced myself through my prayers this morning, but I read only a couple Bible verses... I feel so discouraged.
  15. Need MASSIVE Prayers to stay on God's Path

    Thank you! So far, so good, 15 minutes a day. Praying I can keep it up. And I'm getting better!