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gothamvision

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  1. This is a long post, one in which I've given a LOT of thought. Somehow or another, I believe suicide is my destiny. I don't know how or when, but it is inevitable. There's two elements that lead me to this conclusion, both mentally and spiritually. I've always been fairly melancholy; there's always been a deep void or a sense of emptiness. Metaphorically, there's always a dark haze within my consciousness (think Batman's Gotham). I am not now nor have I ever been abused by family, lover, or church. There are friends/family that love me and I'm sure would miss me. Life has its wonderful and beautiful moments. As I speak now, the golden Sun and the autumn rustling wind and aroma outside is wonderful! Yet, it all pales to the void within. In the last decade, I've tried to push past this by seeking purpose, something to be passionate about, and even wealth. So far, to no avail. My business endeavors have failed, cannot find anything to be passionate about, and certainly no purpose. Just, nothing, emptiness. As I get older, my family will be dying off; after a failed relationship I do not have the time nor patience for marrying. As early as age 15, I thought about the mudaneness of life. What is life? You go to work most of the week, come home attempting to savor the few free hours, and on off-days you catch up what you couldn't accomplish the rest of the week, only to repeat the same cycle over and over. For what? To keep the cycle going? Why do it? Suicide is the most logical answer, 18 years later even. Ecclesiastes touches on this very issue, of course, the point being life is nothing without God. However, that is not working out either. As Christians, when we accept Jesus as Lord & Savior, to save us from sin and to give us eternal life, we should gradually be becoming more "like Him", the relationship should become more of a living (maybe even obvious) reality, and our desire should be growing for Him. Frankly, I don't see that as the case with me. When searching my heart, I inevitably see it as self-centered, not really desiring God, and certainly not as a Living Reality. The efforts I have made to have a relationship with God, there seems to be no reciprocation, despite prayers to change my heart/desires, lead me in a meaningful direction, and to make the relationship more of a meaningful reality. Faith has never come easy for me to begin with. Underneath it all (and I'm not proud of it), part of me resents God for not only my creation, but ALL of Creation. Considering God is totally self-sufficient (does not need us), knowing full-well that most of mankind would not choose Him (even if it is by man's own free-will) and most likely suffer for eternity. That may be justice, but how does having that foreknowledge and moving forward with it anyway make for a God of love? Eternal fate aside, even the tamer "God grows us through suffering" line of reasoning, why have us endure it when God was perfectly content without us? It is quite hard to love a Being in that vein, even if He did offer to redeem us. Yes, I may accept His gift of salvation, but why create me in the first place? What's more, at my birth there was the chance I would not be born; my mother had a vision assuring her I would be born and healthy. So, obviously "God formed me in the womb" knowing the state of my future and had ample opportunity not to move forward with me. Why did He do it?? The only thing that has prevented me actually "fulfilling my destiny" is the fear of the afterlife as a result. Theologians can debate on whether or not there's a Biblical basis for suicide as a ticket to Hell or not, but that is immaterial here. Given my take on things above, personally, I wish for non-existence (suicide at the soul level). Unfortunately, I know it's not that easy. Christ is not going to redeem us only to end in non-existence, at the same time, I know the alternative is somehow worse. God will not allow non-existence without payment for sin in this life. So, either way, I lose! This fact only compounds my harsh feelings towards God and about life! I'm sure some here will probably say I was never saved or born again. For those that do think that, perhaps I've hardened my heart past the point of no return? The angst of living, the thought of it going on decades more, it almost makes me want to "weep and gnash teeth" here and now. I want to be redeemed by God, but at the same time I absolutely resent Him! Perhaps, I want redemption from existence itself more. In the end, I don't really know the response I seek in posting this. I know no responses will advocate suicide. Though, the thought of non-existence is absolutely euphoric! Counseling will not help, as I would be shut away in an institution or be doped up on meds and slapped with an outrageous bill to add insult to injury. Not sure if it is possible to see life any other way in a fully conscious and rational way! I welcome feedback in any case; thank you all.
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