I used to be filled with the joy of God so much when I was younger in my 20's people would say they could feel it with me just complete strangers I was so happy but in my 30's I don't feel it anymore. Things have just gotten worse and worse until all I feel is sad and angry. I live in Australia and most people are athiest here but I have believed before I even had words to describe God. I just always knew he was there loving me and that made me feel special and happy but I spent most of my life with undiagnosed ADHD so from the point I was about school age the only feedback I have had from people in my life is that I am lazy, can do better, what I could achieve wasn't good enough and I am a terrible mother and person. Until I finally got diagnosed but by then it was too late I was damaged somehow. I lost my joy and it was replaced with sadness and anger. It feels like all the nastiness people throw at me about my weight and about me as a person just build up in me like a black bile and it comes out of me as nastiness and anger. I am literally sabotaging myself. Everyday I am fighting thoughts of suicide and its never been this bad. I suffer from ptsd and the anxiety has me so crippled and exhausted I don't make it to church or out of the house to do anything. The light that used to fill me is gone I have just suffered so much hurt and disappointment I can't find it and I am with a man who doesn't believe or trust God will provide so everything in our lives is just we can't do that we don't have money! I used to make the plans and the money would turn up whether its by picking up unexpected shifts or someone paying back money owed or I would literally find anywhere up to $50 notes around the house and I knew God was bringing me abundance so to be with someone who can't trust that and live like that it hurts me. I feel like I need help I need to find that again I have made a lot of mistakes that have gotten me here the top one being moving in with someone before marriage quickly followed by sex before marriage. When you are older its actually easier to fall prey to that and regret it later. Now my partner takes that gift for granted and only sees marriage as a piece of paper. I want to move out over it but the thought terrifies me :'( . I am more ready to advise not having sex before marriage than when I was younger that's for sure!