I came to Christ when I was almost 24 years old but it is too late for me.
Ive made so many mistakes that I can’t clean them up and neither can God.
I dropped out of school at 20 and never went back.
When I tried to go back at 22, it was too late and they said I had to come back at 24 when I’m not under my parents info.
Everyday is the same for me. I wake up in the same apartment and do the same stuff. Go to work. I barely have any friends.
By now, I’m supposed to have a multitude of friends from college, but I don’t.
For years I chased the wrong things thinking I would find my answer. I was a stripper so I cried to god hoping I could become a bartender or a waitress. I never got any bartending Jobs. I got a waitressing job at a hookah bar and I actually left and was rude because I didn’t even know how I was going to pay my rent with 250 at the end of 2 weeks. I was actually super rude at that job. The guy said he was going to increase my pay and add in my tips, but that place didn’t get any business anyway, but still I should have been more grateful. Even little moments like that I was so ungrateful for and didn’t count my blessings, but I didn’t know what to do! I had moved out at 18 and now had rent to pay so I was constantly stressing over that.
An atheist has had more of a god than me. I’ve just mad bad decision over bad decision. I have tattoos I don’t even want anymore that I’ll have to remove now. I already started the removal process, but it’s a pricey and long process. I have a flower on my arm. A tiny star on my pinky, a tiny moon on my right pinky and the pyramid sign on the dollar bill is in my left wrist and I have a large tat on my leg that I’ve been trying to remove
I have dreams every night of what could have been and what should be of my life. I woke up from a dream seeing myself happy, smiling with other kids in their 20s or maybe I was with my husband being normal.
Not to mention, I was also heavily into psychics, tarot cards and other sorcery, but I didn’t think it was “bad” because it was “white magic” such as crystal use. I can’t tell you how many times I visited the occult store and bought a certain crystal to help in a certain department of my life. Last night I read old journal entries from middle school and high school and I had Wicca symbols written everywhere Why is it so much easier for a kid to find/think of occult symbols than to just solely depend on prayer??? I even became friends with a psychic. BIG mistake. I also just recently realized that you can get a counselor for FREE through health insurance. There’s no need to pay a psychic and that’s why I hate myself cause I literally have lived under a rock for years with the mentality of you live and you learn which is DUMB because why not research and be SMART? And then you don’t have to fall into the traps of the world but again growing up I never considered myself evil and never understood the battle going on that we can’t even see. Speaking of my journal entries, I found an entry I wrote when I was 11. I wrote that my grandma thinks I’m mental and she thinks I’ll commit suicide one day. I wrote this at the age of 11! That entry actually makes me want to hold on a bit longer cause I wouldn’t even want her at my funeral. I wish I kept up more with my journals I totally stopped writing in them😞
I live with my mom now whom I was taken from at the age of 4. I can’t even sleep in because she’s always fiddling with plastic bags and opening zippers. She’s been working at the same retail store for 13 years. I wouldn’t call her a role model or anyone to go to for advice, but I was adopted and was ungrateful for everything I got because the family didn’t show me the love that I really wanted like acknowledging my existence by asking me how my day went. I always felt like the black shee. The lady who adopted me was old and all her kids were old enough to be my parents. Anytime I said anything to her, she would go back and tell everyone. I never had a mom to talk about important topics such as virginity, marriage,boys, college.
I lost my virginity at 18 and then went on a rampage till like maybe 20. I got “over it” after a while but in the moment I remember talking to a friend and it was something about me I didn’t like but I didn’t know how to control my flesh. Of course at that moment, I didn’t use that terminology because then I definitely would have brought out my bible or started praying, but still I never actually REPENTED. I didn’t repent until just recently so now all my pay sins are just coming up like VOMIT and recently i’m thinking of things all over again feeling bad ALL OVER AGAIN.
lately I am an emotional wreck. I’m not as bad as I was a couple weeks ago, but I’m pretty bad still. I went on YouTube and saw a couple who’s my age (24) and they are still virgins and that made me upset.
I’m at the age where I realize everyone is getting married, has kids, or has a degree and had a career they like. I went to college for fashion, but that was really dumb of me because I should have just went to a BIG college and maybe just minored in college and majored in English? Idk I just jumped thinking I knew what I was doing and “god had me”. I was never the type to stalk the internet like I do now. The way I am now is how I wish I was then.
I don’t talk to the family who adopted me anymore and they don’t talk to me cause they don’t have my number, but I don’t want to talk to them anyway. My sister married and got pregnant by my childhood bully.
My life wasn’t bad, but once I became a stripper it’s like the world got into my head and I got used to things going wrong where I said inside “idc” so I kept moving forward until I smacked into a tree and I’m looking around like wow this is what I’ve done! Actually it’s more like Jesus turned the light on and I see all the mess I’ve made.
I can’t even picture myself marriaged. I didn’t keep myself pure. I have tattoos on my body. I thought I loved myself until Christ showed me I had 0 respect for myself. Granted yea I know Jesus can fix everything but he can’t go back in time. The timing is all off now. When a person goes to college, that’s when they start their lives. I’m TWENTY FOUR. The age people are graduated or are ALREADY graduated and this is when I’m starting my life???? Come on dude I couldn’t have messed up anymore. I may not have committed suicide yet but I certainly crushed my spirit which is almost the same thing. When I go back, everyone will be 17,18,19... It’s not even like I’m morbidly depressed about everything. I accept it but I just don’t want to live with this anymore!!
Why is it so hard to find Christians in real life other than the church? I already met a lesbian who basically said she doesn’t believe in god at work. Another 55 year old atheist and she even has a 25 year old daughter who is an aethist and has a career working with special needs kids. Like come on! That would give me even more of an incentive to believe in god😫