HikerMom

@Marathoner Thanks for sharing your story. I am glad you have found the blessings and are managing things well. One day we will be in heaven where all the trials will cease. Blessings and prayers and THANK you for your service to our country!!!!!

I am sorry you are struggling and pray you are better soon Saved.

An update that I hope will encourage someone. At this time I am sleeping well. I occasionally have a bad night but it is very rare. I know without a doubt that God had a purpose for this trial in my life. He used it to form me in the way He wanted. My favorite verse relating to insomnia is from Romans 5:5 "We also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us." I think I love this verse because it gave me something to do-persevere. My job was to persevere. I still have some fear of insomnia but it continues to lesson. And I believe every time I do have a bad night it grows me in the way God wants. It teaches me deep inside that it is something I cannot fix or control. It teaches me how much He is in control of it and all things. Sometimes I will feel afraid and yet have a good night of sleep. I can only attribute that to God. Will I ever go through bad nights? I am sure I probably will. I cannot know anything for certain except that God loves me and promises to use all things for good. Insomnia is completely unpredictable as far as I can tell. It is in God's hands, and I will continue to live one day at a time and pray for the strength to handle whatever storms come my way. That is where I believe God has been leading me all this time.

Deleting this entry because it was not something helpful for others struggling with insomnia. I have just posted an update.

Thanks @Repose @Ruth Also and @GandalfTheWise All super helpful responses! Trusting God will show me the way! Good to know that the transition just takes some time. Trying to be the change is important as well. And thanks Ruth Also for your ideas and understanding! Praying we both find the relationships that will help us stay encouraged and grow in Christ! Blessings!

@GandalfTheWise It's been quite a while since I've been on the forums but now am looking for some advice, and I remember that you have a gift of wisdom. So here goes... After worshiping at the same church for twenty years, I made the decision to leave because of struggles with their doctrine and legalism. I don't think I handled the whole thing wisely. My husband didn't want to leave-even though he never really plugs in. His main issue was just disliking change and meeting new people. And now I am wondering if it was the wise decision to leave at all. I feel like I really put myself in the lead rather than waiting on God and also put a lot of stress on my husband in the process. However, I have found a new church where the message challenges and encourages me. The struggle for me is that it is difficult to find community. My former church was really good at community. One of the big differences I see is my former church had Bible classes before worship every Sunday. The classes really helped you to get to know a lot of people. This new church does have classes at various times but they separate the men and women. They also have small groups but the groups are static. My old church mixed groups up every two years so that we got to know many more people. Another problem causing difficulty finding community is that this church is large. It's just so easy to get lost. It's large. It's dark. And you really need to leave quickly to make room for the next service. A friend who used to attend there told me that she and her husband left because they began to feel that the only reason they were there was to serve. I interpreted that to mean they didn't find meaningful community in this church. I think the loss of that long term church community is hitting hard. I wasn't close friends with anyone particularly because I thought so differently. But I miss walking in to church and having a big community that was happy to see me. I miss staying after worship and connecting with that group. Maybe I need to be patient and put some work into this new church. I don't know. Part of me says I should have stayed at my old church and just listened online to messages that encouraged me. Another part of me says that if my kids ever move back here and have kids, I wouldn't want them hearing the wrong messages coming from the pulpit in my old church every Sunday. I recently asked my daughter does she ever remember hearing the message in our church to trust the Lord or was it all about avoiding sin. She said it was always about our behavior-what to do and what not to do. Trusting the Lord was not a message she remembers hearing (partly MY fault and not just the churches' fault). Any thoughts Gandalf or others?

You’re getting some good advice here and I hope you are listening. As for you “speaking truth” to her, you are still trying to be her parent rather than a partner. You can’t be th Holy Spirit for someone else. You need to be more humble. You need to work on your own heart rather than obsessively trying to fix her as you are STILL doing. Give up this control!!

You are caught in legalism. You seem to know nothing about grace. You are missing a huge piece of what it means to be a Christian. Look at how Joseph handled the situation with Mary when he thought she had been unfaithful. You seriously need to learn what grace is.

@onedirection The post you addressed to me shows you still trying to control or fix things. Women do not respond to a man "disciplining" them. You are supposed to be her husband and not her parent. That post made me think you are keeping score. Still, you need another counselor I'd say. Your boundaries are not great. You are still very controlling & it will harm your children just as it did your marriage. If you publicly humiliated your wife by revealing something true or not about her, then of course she'd be angry. As I've said before, you are too much in your head and not enough in your heart. I'm not sure I can help much more. You are being led too much by other people. You need to make your own decision. The good news is that whatever decisions you make, good or bad, God can work all things for good. Even the decisions that turn out to be bad. But sooner or later, you will have to make your own decision by faith. You & your kids are the ones that have to live with the consequences either way. God doesn't tell us always exactly what to do. We must walk by faith and trust God to help us with the outcome. And I definitely agree that TD Jakes is a prosperity teacher. He teaches some things that are very unscriptural. Try just spending time alone with the Lord. You will still have to make a decision. but I think it's likely you will make better decisions of you can spend some time being still & soaking in his word. Not for INFORMATION but for TRANSFORMATION & to help you understand God & his love for you and others better. The Bible is not as much a rule book as it is a revelation to us of who God is...of his heart & plans for mankind. Grace Community Church from Clarksville Tennessee has some of the best preaching I have ever heard. Their recent series is about faith, hope & love. It is an incredible series. If you have an iphone, then you can subscribe to their podcast. If not then you can listen online. You are relying too much on fallible human beings to make your decisions. Spend some time alone & try to make your own decision. Prayers...

This just sounds like such a dysfunctional, unhealthy situation for the kids & I wouldn't want to keep my kids in it for long. I am suspicious of your wife's motives in all this. I didn't read the beginning of the thread but you do admit to treating her badly. I am glad you have decided to make changes but I don't see any reason for you to torture yourself or the kids living with someone who is cold as ice & has been neglecting the kids as you previously stated & seems to have no intention of trying to work things out. That sounds awful. When you say that God has "shown me the value of six months & Christmas as key milestones," I just don't believe God works that way. We walk by faith not by sight. We don't know the future. Yes, we should look at all our trials as opportunities to learn and grow, but I don't think that means you are expected to stay in this marriage. Your job is not to save anyone. Your purpose is to love God, to take care of your family & to be a part of His work on earth, to use the gifts that He has given you to help others and to further His kingdom on this earth. But it just seems like to me that your wife has made it clear that she doesn't want your help & that she has no intentions of having a real marriage with you. You can't save or change her. All this energy you are expending trying to figure it all out could be used much better to nurture & take care of your kids, yourself, and to serve God. It just seems like your wife has made it clear that it is over. As I said before, I am suspicious of her motives. Is it possible she is staying just so she has someone to financially support her? I don't believe her when she says she is staying simply so she will not hurt you or the kids. She's been hurting you & the kids almost constantly. I know that you have made many mistakes but you have been willing to go to counseling & to try to make changes. She has not. Henry Cloud has some a great books that might help you see where your responsibilities begin & end. Boundaries. He is a fantastic Christian psychologist. I also think you need a different Christian counselor. I don't believe preachers are usually the best at this. Is it possible that it is really pride and fear of judgement from other Christians that is keeping you in this situation? And by the way, I don't judge you for staying. Ultimately you are the one who has to live with the consequences of either decision. But I do think you are being given bad advice.

I think the advice you are getting is ridiculous. And what your wife is doing is very, very strange. I feel badly for your kids in a home with all this turmoil. You are getting advice to put up with emotional & verbal abuse. From my experience, kids that grow up that way will either learn to abuse or to put up with abuse. Neither is good. This has to be affecting them emotionally. Marriage is MUCH more than just two people living in the same house. I've always been bothered when I hear of Christians counseling other Christians to keep kids in terrible situations because God hates divorce. I'm sure he hates abuse as well.

@onedirection I think you are right. Your kids & you need to be out of this emotionally abusive situation. Prayers....

@onedirection I have been thinking much the same as @Heybro. That she is trying to make you be the one to file for divorce for some reason. You may need to seek a lawyer's advice. My sister's husband did the same to her...not because of a custody issue (he really didn't want much to do with the kids), but because he wanted to play the victim. He didn't want to look like the bad guy for filing for divorce when my sister had just given birth to their second child. Then he was free to marry his girlfriend and say that his wife was the one who filed for divorce.

@onedirection I feel sorry for her as well, but she has choices. Sorry you and the children are going through this. Praying for you all tonight.

@onedirection So happy to hear you are letting go & finding peace. You don't have to wear yourself out trying to please her to get her to stay. You don't have to figure this out. I know it's hard not to know the future but it's in God's hands. I'm glad you are letting yourself off the hook to figure it out. I'm sure you are exhausted, and as you've said, it hasn't changed anything. You can be kind to her without killing yourself to be perfect. It wouldn't be spiritually good for your wife to have you as her slave or doormat. Being kind is one thing, but you will wear yourself out trying so hard to please her. And it's not good for the kids to see you become a slave to her. You can be kind and serve her without killing yourself. It just sounds exhausting how hard you have worked & I am SO happy to hear you are surrendering it to the only one who can change her heart... "Not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit, " says the Lord Almighty. Zechariah 4:6 Keep resting in His great, great love for you--a love so great that He sent His son to die for you!