LivingOrphan

I have sought out counsel from many so far, most has been pretty void of an action plan mostly just telling me to wait it out and to pray. I have reached out to my ex and her family and have apologized but none of them are willing to forgive me or speak to me at this time. Also her parents were divorced when she was 3 and half and I'm fairly certain she hasn't told her father that she is pregnant yet... She lives with her mother. Hope things will get better. This is awful....

(Below is an edited version of a letter i sent to an older wiser couple in the christian community.) Dear ____ and ____, Some time back I met a gal. Her name is (girlfriend). We met working together as CNA's for a program that aides elderly adults. After some time we started showing some interests in one another. We liked each other. The thing that we liked the most about each other was that the other was a Christian. We got along well and I personally admired her work ethic and loved her heart and how she served those that we were taking care of. Things seemed to fall into place and before we knew it we were dating. As boyfriend and a Christian I failed (girlfriend) as well as the Lord. We eventually ended up having sex with one another. As time went on the effects of this became apparent. It was hurting our relationship and was weighing on my conscience. We both became convicted about what we were doing and one night we decided to pray about it together and confess it to the Lord. After a long drive around town discussing the current state of our relationship and our plans to move forward, we found ourselves parked on the side of the road and we prayed sincerely for the first time together in our relationship. We confessed our sins and asked the Lord to forgive us. We asked the Lord to protect our relationship and asked Him to be apart of it. It was a special moment. Two days later all hell broke loose. (girlfriend)'s temperament and disposition towards our relationship has suddenly changed. He called me and confessed that she was wrestling with some stuff from her past and that she simply wasn't "happy" with me anymore. She said she loved me but would need to take a "break" to take some time for herself. While stating this she was extremely mean and over the course of the next 3 weeks of us being on a break the conversations that I had with her on the phone consisted of her verbally attacking and mocking the personal things that I confided in her over the course of our relationship. In her defense the angst in some of those conversations stemmed from me wanting to rekindle things. My application of trying to make things better and be there for her was making things worse, she felt infringed on, but was also giving me mixed messages. She hurt me very deeply during this time, and I made things worse by trying to pursue her. Something in my gut tells me that some of the origin and influence of this was nothing less than spiritual warfare. On Christmas Eve it all came to a head when she told me she wanted to end things for good and never wanted to see me again. A few days later I received a text message from her saying that she might be pregnant. Once again I dropped the ball. Instead of being edifying, I lashed out in a text message back and said some things that I deeply regret, everyday. A few minutes later I recanted and apologized. I asked her to forgive me and that what I said was wrong and sinful. Honestly what I said isn't truly what my heart is towards (girlfriend). I love her dearly. On the 29th of December (girlfriend) texted me that she was indeed pregnant. She explained recently that she want to have no contact with me whatsoever, that she doesn't want me in her life or our child's life. She said that she wants me to not be present for the birth of the child, to not sign the birth certificate and that I should consider terminating my parental rights. I love (girlfriend) dearly and I know deep down she has some love in there for me too. I know the she is absolutely terrified, she is having a child, at 20 years old. Currently her and her family feel that this is the wisest option. Honestly I know that I have made mistakes but I don't think anything that I have done warrants the measures that she is trying to take. I have never hit (girlfriend), I have never threatened her, I don't use drugs or alcohol... I still love her and want to be apart of our child's life. This terrifies me. This hits me in a part of my soul that has been wounded since my childhood. I was adopted and my father and mother were abusive drugs addicts and form the age of 4 years old I vowed that I would never let my children experience what I have experienced. There has been a hole there for many years. My convictions are to one day marry (girlfriend) and to be present in my child's life. (girlfriend) currently wants nothing to do with me. Her family reviles against me. I feel like a bull being stuck to death. It seems that the enemy is winning. Gods silence crushes me and opposes me. How do I fight with wisdom for a woman and a child that I love dearly? How do I fight when two-thirds of my heart are being stripped out of me? How does a young man, who loves Christ, who falls more often than one should think, win back and warm the heart of the mother of his unborn child? My heart is grieved. The only hope that I have is in the Lord. My testimony rests in His hands, the future of my heart is at His mercy. Any wisdom, encouragement, and advice will be greatly valued. If you are willing to spare a moment please pray over this situation, (girlfriend), her family, our child, and I. I hope the Lord can restore this.