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Circuit

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    Becoming who I must be, rather than who I am.

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  1. This is something that has me worried lately, what with considering school and then the potential income that comes with the job i'm aiming for. How does a guy not get lost in trying to pay off debts? Even if I pay off my debt, what am I to do with such an income? Paying it off would be easy enough, but then i'll just have money gathering up. I have the intention of donating much of my paycheck to charities, but I worry that the access to such an income might be my downfall. Not that I don't wish to pursue accounting - I had a mind for finances even when I was a little kid. It just makes sense to me. I just worry, is all.
  2. Circuit

    Newbie

    I'd like to be a bot. I wouldn't have to eat and I could get wifi anywhere. Welcome to Worthy, Ms Hayes.
  3. I've dealt with family gossip myself, which is funny, considering I haven't seen nor spoken to the vast majority of them since I was still in the single digits. They don't talk to me or invite me to their holidays. Why would you talk about me as if you know me or my situation? I don't want anything to do with my extended family. There are bonds deeper than blood, and I consider them "relatives" rather than family. If I were you though, i'd just let them talk. People can say what they want, but their say-so doesn't make it true. If it does get to a bothersome point though, yeah, you could consider just cutting them out of your life. If they can't mind their own business, then they don't need to be in yours. That's how I see it, at least.
  4. Let me tell you all a story. I was young at the time, and there was this girl I rather liked. We really hadn't had any conversations or anything; it's just that she was cute and seemed pleasant enough. I crushed hard, but as it was, I was far too scared and nervous to approach her, much less talk to her. How could I, without speaking to her, get my feelings out there? According to the movies and the shows, it was a love letter. Looking back, of what little of it I can recall, It was hasty and stupid. I think I wrote something like, "Your eyes are like the deep sea, dark and beautiful" - cheesy poetic nonsense, you know? Of note, I made certain to not sign my name and instead wrote "secret admirer," because I was far too nervous of her knowing who I was; low self-esteem and all that. Then, just as well, I didn't think of what she could do so she could even show interest. I didn't write something like, "if you're interested, pull on your nose twice" or "return this note to locker number ____". So it was basically pointless, a "hey I like you" and nothing more. We had to do a group project, and so she ended up leaving her desk. Seeing my chance, I walked by her desk acting like I was going to blow my nose, but dropped the letter on her chair stealthfully as I passed. The end of class came near, and the last five minutes of class were spent waiting by the door to leave. I got to the door first, as always. I saw her approach her desk, and she picked up the letter and read it. She looked confused, and started flipping it around like she was looking for a name. When she couldn't find one, she holds it up and shouts, "WHO WROTE THIS?" Everyone is class turns around and looks at her. My heart is in my throat. I develop an instant 5 layers of sweat. I could swear I lost color, and I started shaking a little. "WHO WROTE THIS LETTER?" She shouts again. Many of the students are gathering around and reading the letter. My letter. My terrible and horrible confession. A few are laughing and i'm dying on the inside. I was lucky that she didn't find it until the end of class. The bell rang and I was like the roadrunner. Poof! Gone. I didn't even wait for it to stop ringing, I just booked it. I don't know if they ever found out that it was me, and I never heard anything through the grapevine, but do I ever hope they never found out. The embarrassment was enough that I couldn't bring myself to confess to her directly, and it turned out for the best - I realized later that it was a passing fancy; the crush was just a crush.
  5. Don't underestimate the value of advertising/marketing - Getting the name out there can really make or break a new business. Investors can be great, too. Best of luck with your business.
  6. I'm unsure of what I want to do, exactly - I'm going to have to go to the tech school in town though, as I simply cannot afford otherwise. I was thinking programmer, but the job growth rate is vague at best, and one site warned that many companies hire out-of-the-country for that job, so they can pay less. Only fear I have is that a lot of kids get into programming, so even if the rate looked good, i'd probably have lots of competition. Then there's information systems tech which has decent prospects, medical lab techs which seem to be in demand here... I don't think i'd mind accounting, but I don't relish the thought of having to tuck my shirt in, nor crunching numbers day after day (i'm not bad at math, it's just tiresome). I'm unsure of what path to pursue, so I guess i'm just asking for guidance here.
  7. I do not like that my eyes wander. Women are worth more and deserve more. Even if some blame can be placed on a woman if her body is on display, I still believe it wrong for me to look. I have been attempting to train my eyes to "bounce away" when it occurs, but it's like I have magnets on my eyes. I can bounce away, but unfortunately, the eyes often bounce back. I'd rather honestly just not even experience that pull to begin with, you know? As such, I am posting here to see if anyone can offer advice. Thank you.
  8. It only became a problem on Tuesday, but I guess you could say that it's been going on for a while. Several months ago, whilst I was trying to fall asleep, I suddenly felt footsteps on my bed. I was freaked out, of course, but just focused on what the feet were doing. The feet were walking here and there, kind of walking the perimeter of my bed, though occasionally stopping. I eventually fell asleep, as they didn't seem to be doing anything. It wasn't something that happened every night, but over those several months, the feet would come back. Just walking on the bed. I got used to it enough to where it didn't bother me. It sounds dumb, I know, but I guess I didn't think much of it. However, then comes Tuesday morning. It takes me a minute to wake up, so I was in a sort of half-sleep. I was sleeping on my side, as I usually do. I experienced as sensation almost like vertigo as I tried to open my eyes; the room wobbled and my eyes couldn't focus. I closed my eyes to try and get them focused. I then noticed what felt like rocking. You know how you put your hand on someone when they're asleep, and you give them a bit of a shake to wake them up? It was like that. I thought, "what's going on?" I don't think I felt a hand, though it was maybe too faint for my tired mind to register. As soon as I thought that though, I felt myself being leaned backwards. It was in the process of this that I heard very soft whispering. I couldn't make out what it was saying; it was either gibberish or some language i'm unfamiliar with. However, when I had fully been leaned backwards, I heard whatever it was whisper, "I hope that we can have a dream together, you and meeeeeee" and those extra e's are there because the voice trailed off like that. You bet your backside I was freaked out. I didn't know how to respond or what to do, so I just sat up in bed and stewed in my confusion. Touching me in my sleep, much less whispering creepy stuff into my ear? That is NOT cool. I was paranoid about it all Tuesday, I was paranoid enough about it Tuesday night to pray that nothing touches me or whispers to me while I sleep (thank the Lord nothing did and I got a decent rest), and i'm still fairly paranoid and confused about it now. I'm not certain what question i'm posting here; I guess I just thought i'd seek out advice here. If you can help or lend advice, it would really be appreciated. I don't know if I need to decorate my room with crosses and wear a braid of garlic around my neck or what, man, my bed doesn't seem safe anymore.
  9. There is this guy I once knew, who we will call Steve. Of note, I don't think he was a Christian, but I never knew him too well. He seemed to struggle with being a virgin quite a bit. I got the impression that Steve would often watch inappropriate material and or just... Do what would often accompany that kind of thing. I think it gave him an unhealthy mindset where he was too set on the idea of copulation, and he got to a point where his view on women was really rather worrisome. He disliked women and felt that life was unfair, as he was "too ugly" or "too poor" to get with any women. Worrisome to a point that I thought he might end up in prison or dead if he continued having such hard, violent ideas about women. Then it got to a point that Steve just decided to get it over with. I don't know the details exactly, but he came across a willing woman and did the deed. He seemed like he improved. He was happy, he felt great, his views on women became more acceptable... Despite his lust still being there. To quote him, "I'm just glad it's done with. My shoulders aren't so heavy, my head isn't so cloudy, and it feels like I can really move on and get myself together". This brings us to the crux of this post. You see, being young and unmarried, I too am a virgin. Just as with Steve, I too struggle with it as he did. I wish to do what's right and only do such things after marriage, but often, Steve floats into my mind. Will just doing it get it off my chest, I wonder, will it really help? I want to say that it won't, but Steve's elation and improvement just sticks with me. For me, I wish to avoid any kind of relationship right now due to my struggles. My mind focuses on women far too much and more oft than not, it's really not in the best way by any means. If I got with a non-believer, i'd be tempted and fall into that loose lifestyle. If I got with a believer, i'd still be tempted, and i'd either scare her off or drag her down with me. In honest assessment of myself, I just don't see myself even trying until I can get myself cleaned up enough. Yet still, there's Steve. He viewed having a sex life like most people do, whereas I do not. But he seemed so much happier and lighter, my mind says. He didn't have to worry about his mind or his urges as much, it also says. I know it's wrong, but the idea of just getting it over with does weigh on me, more oft than i'd like. Just get it over with in order to try and move on, or stick to my faith even if my mind fights me? I can wager on what the answers will be like here, but I just thought i'd post to see if anyone here could offer advice. I pray for a healthier mind, and i'm not as troubled as I once was (praise and thanks to the Lord for that), but it still remains an issue. I can go for a time feeling lighter and happier, but eventually the thoughts and urges return, and I just become so heavy and fuddled. I get so tense and restless that I just fall back into old, bad habits.
  10. May she rest in peace. You could try the county courthouse if you want a death certificate, but considering it's so soon, they might not have even finalized any possible autopsies yet. I am unaware of what protocols are in place there when it comes to active investigations, if there is one. Other than that, maybe keep an eye on the obituaries to see if there is a service. You could pay respects and her family might also be more aware of how she passed. There are online obituary searches as well, so it can extend beyond local boundaries. Someone in the same apartment building might know as well.
  11. I would ask that you not misunderstand; i'm not posing this question so as to dissuade prayer, but rather merely as a means of seeking clarification and understanding. I have been thinking of late about what the point behind prayer is. Some, I understand. Asking for forgiveness and giving thanks. Other things, these are not so clear. I shall give a hypothetical example. A man I know named Timothy fell down some stairs and broke his leg. The doctor says he will be fine and that there should be no issue in his recovery. From here, one gets the idea to pray for Tim and his leg... But if he is fine and he will recover, what would be the point? It's like walking up to a painter as he paints a room and asking him to paint the room he's in while he's already at it. It is already being done and thus the request is fairly meaningless. Then, as things are God's will, should it not be left to God and his will? Say, for example, Tim's leg takes a strange turn for the worse even after a prayer for his good recovery has been issued. Must one press the issue of a good recovery or simply see the worsening condition as possibly being God's will? I'm just having trouble understanding what the point is in submitting requests by prayer.
  12. My head hurts of late. My thoughts are filled with wickedness. As much as I try to avoid such thoughts, they just grow and grow and it makes my head hurt. The more I fight, the more my mind fights me. The more uncontrollable they become. As it says in the Bible, it is not what goes into a man, but what comes out of a man that makes him unclean. I think of the "woe to the Pharisees" bit where Jesus talks of cleaning the inside of the dish and cup first and accuses them of being whitewashed tombs, pretty on the outside but within are the bones of dead men. I feel that I am not even a whitewashed tomb; I am a decrepit tomb, whithered inside and out. I wish to do better, but I never do. I wish to be better, but I never am. I've tried changing for years, and while it feels like i've grown, I can't claim that i've changed when I look at myself and see much of what I would rather not be. My hope dwindles more often than I would prefer it to. I do not know how to clean my heart. How can a man be good when his noggin isn't screwed on just right? Even if i'm sorry for being how and who I am, I don't believe that's nearly good enough. A good tree produces good fruit whereas a bad tree produces bad fruit. I just wish I were a good tree... Infinitely tired of being a bad one. TL;DR I want to know how to have a clean heart. How to get my mind together.
  13. I've always wondered where the belief that a Christian man shouldn't have a beard comes from, especially when you consider that like 95% of the guys in the bible had beards. Hanun shaved off half the beards of David's servants and David let them sit in isolation so that their beards could grow back, Jesus' beard hair being pulled out... Beards pretty much everywhere in scripture. Little old ladies calling me gross and unclean cause i've got facial hair. Not that it's a super common thing, but still, it seems like many people (both christian and non-christian) frown on beards.
  14. I do not wish to say that I am heartless, but having a heart can sometimes prove difficult for me. I don't think it wrong to pray, certainly not, but I do believe there is such a thing as good prayer and bad prayer. You've got really clear examples of bad prayer, like praying for your neighbor's wife to take an intimate interest in you, or perhaps wishing a painful death on someone you dislike. What I worry about are the more unclear examples of bad prayer. Let me give an example: I feel at ease praying for my older brother's wellbeing. He has had financial difficulties of late, and because I know that I care about him, I feel more open about praying for him. This, I feel, is a good prayer with compassion and meaning backing it up. Someone posts a thread in Prayer Requests saying that Anthony has a fever and the poster would like the viewers to pray for Tony's wellbeing. But... I don't know Tony. I can't say that I envy his predicament, but I don't think that counts as compassion. Would my prayer for Anthony's health be an empty, meaningless one? On one hand, it could be like how people talk about smiling. If you force yourself to smile more often, you will find that smiling comes easy and you are happy much more often. If I pray for people, even without much compassion behind it, perhaps that empathy will foster and grow and I could perhaps claim to be less heartless. On the other hand, I feel as though a prayer that the person praying really doesn't mean is an example of an unclear bad prayer. We are supposed to wish the ones who dislike us well, but if I were to pray for one of my "enemies" wellbeing, i'm just not certain if i'd really mean it. I could say I wish them well, but what does that matter if my heart wishes them ill? What do you think? Do you think prayer helps grow compassion, or should you only pray for something if it is honest compassion behind it?
  15. Could you supply more details? I'm no expert, but i'm rather familiar with eastern religions. An overall theme is typically that of rebirth and the universe. By severing all attachments, one can end the cycle of rebirth and finally move on to whatever afterlife they have in mind, typically becoming one with the world. In this sense, to worship the afterlife is to worship one's ancestors (who have become the collective whole of the universe), which is why many eastern people still build shrines to passed loved ones in their home and regularly offer incense and prayers before them. I'd have to see what you're on about, but that's about the closest thing I can think of when it comes to this "giant thin buddha".
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