I am psychotic and I often have odd nightmares which make me take them as reality and my behavior and my actions towards others are influenced by this, leading to much confusion and misunderstanding. Moreover, I do not accept myself, as I am too aware of my miatakes, but trying to correct them through different ways leads to hatered towards my real self, and a kind of feeling that makes me think I have betrayed myself by hiding truth about myself. People are supposed to express themselves when necessary but I stay private. This makes me feel truly deceptive, I did conceal various things by telling people various other unrelated things. Consequently, I feel like a failure, too ashamed of myself and a liar. Even my sentimental confession to the one i belived i had feelings for was something that was not correlated with my real experience. The consequences of my actions makes me regret the way i am, the awareness of sin, yet this inability to correct it is difficult.
It is so hard to differenciate reality from illusion, confusion reigns.
Please, any advice would be appreciated.
