mrunk1975

I feel very lonely. I got to work today and I was fine. Then when I got up to my post I just sunk in to this utterly depressed sense of loneliness. To point where felt heavy and weighed down in my soul. It so bad that I was thinking of killing myself. I wouldn't but the thought is there. Mean while there is another part me telling me to stop worrying about that. That I need to let God fix me and trust in him to put people right for me in my path when he feels I'm ready(if that makes any sense.). Its in my head cause I dont really know God and dont know how to talk to him nor does he talk back to me. Yet I'm so conflicted and torn up inside. I wish it would stop. I really wish God had not made me. I'm sick feeling lonely and sad. I bury my head in games and work and Tv to escape cause other wise it would engulf me completely. All I do is take up space. I'm utterly worthless.

Where to start first lets me start by saying I do believe in God and in Jesus as my savior. However I have not been a good follower; which will become evident by time you get done reading this. As of recently I have found myself with a deep desire to have a relationship with God. However I feel like a giant ball of yarn all knotted up. I have all these issues and sins and guilt that's not even funny. I don't even know how to fix myself. I don't know how to talk to God. To be honest I don't know God nearly as well as I like. So I feel stuck and don't know how to lay everything out to God when I don't understand myself or what is wrong with me completely. I also have another problem and this is the main reason I have come here. So up till a few weeks ago I was in a 9 year relationship with a married women. I ended that relationship a few weeks back. I still love and care about her but the relationship was wrong and due to her circumstance and mine we where never going to be able to be together so I ended the relationship. I was hoping we could be friends but well things didn't work out that way and I choose to walk away. She called me selfish, not capable of love, unstable. Maybe she right if so walking away was right thing to do. She did apologize for saying it as she was angry but I never responded back. I am not angry with her nor do I blame her for anything. I just feel that walking away from one another is best all around. The problem is I know that I said hurtful things to her. I did just as much damage as she did. I feel guilty over it. Part of me wants to go to her and apologize but I know if I do that I will be right back where I started. I don't want to end up right back where I started. I don't know if I am doing the right thing by not apologizing to her or if walking away is the right thing to do. Any way like said I am a big mess. I hope god can fix me cause I don't even know how to fix myself.