Figure of eighty

So I've come to realize I have a problem. Not talking about the menta stuff but I truly feel I don't have a heart for God and I don't care. I've been baptized twice and I just idk I don't care. I get angry and mad at God. I know I shouldn't but I feel like God doesn't care much about me, doesn't want to see me happy and just keeps me in isolation purposefully. I just know I'm not like other Christians who strive to please God. I'm just mad at him, I also feel afraid of being a mindless bot bc that's happened to my brother and I don't want to give up control. I know I'm in a bad place bc I had a dream last night ( which is prompting this thread) I dreamt I was at church and it was during a sermon-- I was sitting in the pews my aunt that's a pastor said let anyone or thing that doesn't love God flee this place. I got nervous but stayed. After service my aunt confronted me and asked if I had anything I wanted to repent from? So I felt like God was talking to me. So I did repent but I get angry often and quick bc of my mental issues bc I'm struggling with them and I'm alone and I feel like I wish God would help with that.. But yeah, I know this isn't a popular stance to have but I need help changing my heart but I feel a bit lackadaisical about it and I don't want to let go of control. I'm just being honest again sorry if this offends anyone. I just don't know what to do. Also prob my mental issue flaring up but I feel God is mad at me now...

I'm gonna message you.

This is very sweet. I'll try to do this hen I can.

I do have a church. A girl came to my place and everything but it hasn't helped. I just wish God woul literally stop waking me up. My brain is broken and I feel like a failure as a mom and in general. My very last hope is medication. If this doesn't work then I'm truly a lost cause. I feel so angry at myself that I can't suck this crap up and keep going. Others go through much much worse and still able to go on. I'm really mad at myself. I do hope God is really forgiving bc I'm trying not to do "S" but I can't will mental illness away unfortunately. Hopefully he forgives. I'm hanging on a thread.

I feel a slew of emotions from deep sadness to anger that I just can't shake this mental whatever off. I feel I'm too busy. I have kids, I'm trying to study for school but I just feel like crying daily bc I can't get rid of this. These rhoughts,feelings ect. I try to atleast keep myself from crying bc I feel if I'm not crying I'm not crazy and I'm keeping it together. Right now I'm having a hard time. I feel like a failure as a mother, too many intrusive thoughts,I feel hopeless, I feel God won't help. I just feel like a lost cause. I already reached out to my Dr. She Said someone was gonna reach out to me-- hasn't happened. So I tried to reach out to them. Email is messed up. Will call. I just feel like a failure. I'm trying but it doesn't seem good enough. I feel like I'm just a moment of splitting from reality. I'm ashamed I may need meds. I'm ashamed I'm alone and been alone and friendless my entire life. I feel hopeless bc I feel God won't help. I feel he's just looking at me wanting for me to lose then blame me for not holding on. I feel hopeless. I just feel God won't help me. My worst fear is the S word and I feel God wouldn't even try to stop me. I just feel he doesn't care about my life. I just feel small and unimportsnt to most. My brain is broken . I need assistance but I'm. Mot sure where to start. I'm trying though

Yeah thank God for that. I was able to go to church. I was really late but the message was needed, basically the story about Lazarus who died and Martha and Mary were urging Jesus to come as he was sick but instead he delayed 2 days. However when he came he was able to bring him to life again. The pastor said God isn't on our time table but when he does come he's always on time. The message was timely and true but I cant stop worrying about my situation.

I can't unknow what I know too

Aside from losing my job, losing daycare,being robbed,mental health health failing, behind on bills, tax refund delayed, there was a fire situation at my apt. I wanted to go to church today but couldnt.. I need so much help and I feel God is not doing anything. I'm losing faith in him and am ready to just turn away and live my own life if I don't get help soon. Im not asking for riches qnd fortune I just need help.

I've heard God's voice clearest when I'm in church.

It's so funny when I was at church last Sunday well before this one a lady that prayed for me told me to read Psalms as well so I guess I will.

So I know I definitely need to get right with God. I just feel busy and overwhelmed with work and kids but after dealing with my mental issue I definitely feel I need to dig a bit deeper. I wanted to just pray and wait on God to tell me what to read. Is that OK? I really want it to apply to my life and what I'm going through now instead of just reading just anything. You know?

Right. I will try to do that.

It depends. If I can still have him then yes but I feel bc I wasn't ready I may have messed things up.

I realize I don't have alot of holy spirit conviction in my life. How do I gain that?

Thank you got the background info on her.

I see people reference Corrie alot. Who is she? That story was very nice to read. Thank you. Also what does that mean turn it into his love.

I dont speak of my kids bc they dont cause me distress. I just vent about the things that distress me. My kids are healthy, happy and well.. still I just don't know how to trust God. I know blaming is bad but if I'm trying and doing the best I can and need a little extra help from God and help doesn't come it just creates that cycle of distrust. What keeps you from not blaming God? I'm genuinely wondering bc I do have an issue with this only bc God is capable. If he couldn't do everything then I would understand.

Some people trust God easily after setbacks. I'm going through alot from possible eviction,health issues and a break up. My heart is so thoroughly broken. Why would God bring someone who is everything I wanted but knows I'm not ready. I'd rather God wait yrs to bring the guy instead of show me and it's not time. I feel heartbroken and upset about everything. I'm anxious..and nervous.

I've been saved for as long as I can remember. I have a few experiences with God but I feel I'm missing God's conviction in my life. I feel I'm one of those Christians that are asleep. I also feel I have too many responsibilities to pursue God and while listening to a podcast.. for women that were on fire for God and talking about discipleship.. I felt in my heart I wasn't ready.... like I'm okay with giving God some pieces of my life but not everything. I Also feel God is far off but I know he's not. I feel bored reading the Bible. Praying is easier for me.. The best way I can describe this is I'm a battery thats close to being dead that needs to be recharged but I also don't want to do this lol.. I'm just being honest. I definitely need a new heart. Advice please.

Yeah. I have anxiety I'm always afraid of breaks in and stuff. I have tried therapy.. I feel the therapist wasn't much help she made me look within for answers instead of giving helpful suggestions. I may try therapy again and like someone said, melatonin to put me to sleep lol.

I feel I got what I prayed for. A place of my own for my kids and I but ... my anxiety always spikes at night. Idk what to do. I can't sleep.

Yes. God is awesome. I'm thankful for his foresight and provision.

Hello all, it's been a minute since I've checked in bit after what I'm about to tell I had to tell someone about this because God is truly truly good. Okay, so at work everything was fine atleast in the beginning. There was a set of women I was cordial with but eventually everyone's true colors would show. So at my job there's a production to meet and I'm not the fastest person. ( I'm going to give little names for the people I worked with. A, B, C, T and Anny) One day me and A were left together to work and one box I had had alot of pieces I had to scan up to 1600.( I did a few more but not as much as her bc my box had more volume whereas hers didnt..maybe 300 pieces ) A complained they did more boxes. So T is close to A and A told T how she complained to rhe supervisors about me and how slow I was and why they left her with me bc I'm slow and management responded that they'd get rid of me as soon as another employee got brought on board. ( I also wasnt the only person A would say was slow. )One day when it was just me and T she told me everything bc she knew I was a mom and said if I'm not looking for another job now is the time.. So I appreciated the heads up so much. Fast fwd..management is tightening their belt and firing people left and right and I saw the employee they brought on and my heart kinda fell bc I was nervous of being let go. Along with noticing how barren the work place was.. I noticed.. A wasn't here. That person missed 2 days in a row. And I asked T and she asked around what happened to A from a supervisor ...and they said.. They fired them. When T told me that I was so astonished. Now someone losing their job is never a good thing but it'd thr simple fact that person was digging a ditch for me and fell in their self. And I had no idea A was trying to fire me. I'm so grateful to God and thanked him many times.

I agree with you about that.

Wow. You are amazing to get through all of that.