dodoconway79

Yes, i am doing that, and making slow progress... but then forced visits arrive, and it's a setback. What do I do in the meantime? I feel like if I could just get enough time away, I could heal like I needed to and maybe get to a good place. But right now, it's like a bad burn. And every time I try to heal the burn, I am exposed to the flame again...

Long story short... there was a falling out 5 years ago. Many cruel things said and done, both sides. I have profusely apologized for my part. They have not. Not a one of them. It was between my MIL and me, so naturally, she played the victim and garnered all of their support. Me against them. I still need to work on complete forgiveness. I am getting there, but I do not desire reconciliation. At all. I want NOTHING to do with them. Husband is fine to go alone for Christmas. Problem is, we have 9 kids. So, not only will I be judged for not going, I will be judged for making my poor husband go alone to take care of 9 kids... which of course, is only a woman's job. (sarcasm) I will be judged no matter what I do. I am physically sick over the thought of having to spend hours with them. We have not spoken over the past year. I don't understand why we are getting together now and doing this crap when no one cares if I am there or not. I don't want to be there. They don't want me there. So why pretend? This is the only thing in my life that causes division between my husband and myself. I don't know what to do. The things I am concerned about are: 1. Being a terrible example to my children 2. Getting judged 3. Putting my husband in a terrible position Every time I think about having to go, I start crying. It's that bad. And I do not cry. I am not dramatic or whiny or anything of the sort. So the fact that this is tearing me up like it is indicates how big of an issue it is. Help. Please help. I am sick over this.

I have so many negative thoughts towards my mother in law. I have worked through some, but the simple fact of the matter is... I don't want her in my life. She is a good mother to my son. She is a good grandmother to my children. But she turned on me nearly 5 years ago and garnered support from the entire family... she triangulated every conversation we had and used passive aggressive methods to jab at me any chance she got. She even sent out a Christmas card last year with every single family member but me on it. The photos included all the couples except us. The one picture she posted of my husband was of him eating with herself and husband at a restaurant. It looked very much like we were divorced. Every time I think of her, hate fills my heart. I know this is a sin. I pray daily to forgive her. I know I won't be forgiven by God until I do. It's getting better, but still- I do not want her in my life. I want NONE of them in my life. I get physically sick thinking about Christmas. My husband says he does not expect me to go, but then I feel guilty for being a bad influence on my kids. but then I think "Why should I expose myself to this? It is clear I am not wanted there. And then I get mad at my husband because I feel so totally alone in this and unsupported. I don't know what to do. This is such a wedge between us. But it's not fair for me to insist he doesn't go to his parents' house for Christmas. And if I do not go, it will look really bad on me and look like my husband and I are divided. I just want to be left alone. I don't want them in my life. Ever. Help? What do I do? I am feeling so trapped and sick over this.