Thank you all so much for praying.
It's sort of a long story, but I'll try to explain. In middle school, I had the realization (like most kids do I guess) that I couldn't ride on the faith of the adults around me, and I had to believe for myself, and I didn't think I had my own faith. After that, through most of high school, I ran from God even though I knew I wasn't saved. I was so scared of judgment and hell, and my OCD kind of latched onto that, and I mostly tried to avoid the issue. Finally before I went to college I decided I had better deal with this problem instead of running from it, so I started meeting with my pastor and his wife, but I never could seem to really trust or love Jesus. I was really hung up on having to give up certain things. I went to college and ignored the issue somewhat for a while, but it kept popping up over and over through college, and I would go through these times where I was scared and tried to seek God, but I knew I didn't really love Jesus like I should--I even didn't want him to come back so I could live my life on earth. I had some assurance on and off for a while, but last August or September I realized that I thought there were some things about my life did not seem to look like what a Christian's life should look like. I've been seeking salvation since then. I have tried to believe and at times thought I did, but I have realized I have problems with submitting to God, self-centeredness, and unbelief.