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MA1NFR4ME

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  1. I've wanted to post this for a while, but I struggled writing it since I didn't know how to effectively explain my situation. It's been hard for me to talk to anyone about this because I keep thinking no one would believe me or people would think I'm insane. Though I've been drowning in confusion, apathy, doubt, and hopelessness for the past few months, I've finally mustered up the courage to write this. I was saved in 2005, fell away for a while, then rededicated my life to Christ at the end of December 2017. I was very excited about God and the Bible for the first three months of 2018, but then began dealing with spiritual oppression in April 2018. I spent my time trying to figure out how to get rid of the oppression, then I began hearing that “still small voice.” Since May 2018, I thought I was in communion with God, until in January 2019, I discovered there is a demon inside of me. It deceived me into thinking it was God, and it even had the audacity to also call itself “Holy Spirit,” “The Father,” and “Jesus.” It spoke to me in my mind, flooding me with images, ideas, and thoughts. It answered prayers, such as if I asked where something was in my apartment, I suddenly received an image in my mind of the exact location. It was able to control my body parts: arms, legs, hands, feet, head, mouth, eyes, lungs, stomach, heart. At times, it spoke out of me: received a “message from heaven” from my deceased Dad, taught me and my Mom tons of error teaching, and falsely prophesied the 2nd coming of Christ. Once my Mom discovered it was a demon, it spoke out and told her that I would never find Jesus, and I began convulsing when she took authority over it. That same night, it caused me to vomit two disgusting substances, changed the pitch of my voice to an unnaturally high and disgusting tone, and at a different time, I heard growling come from my throat. While under its influence, it made me get rid of my video games, movies, and certain bits of clothing. It taught me scripture so it could use it against me. It convinced me to pray tons of false things, such as for Jesus to forget me. It deceived me into doing a 3-week water fast that put me in the hospital, nearly killing me. It convinced me I committed the unforgivable sin, that I was the Anti-Christ, constantly deceived me into thinking I would die in my sleep, and constantly condemned me to hell. It caused me to have constant nightmares of me being condemned to hell, one where I was involved in witchcraft, one where I supposedly received the mark of the beast and was separated from God forever, and one of Jesus Christ forever abandoning me. I feel completely violated because not only did it rupture the relationship I thought I had with the real LORD, this thing helped me come up with book ideas, movie ideas, a future ministry, improved my drawing skills, and even helped me come up with names for my future kids, all under the guise of “God.” I've essentially given up writing and anything creative because I'm not confident whether the ideas truly come from me. As of now, I have a constant anxiety towards my hands moving on their own; sometimes as I'm falling asleep, either a few fingers start to move or one of my hands will violently shake for a few seconds. I can’t even pray without hearing a mental response from it. I’ve noticed strange physical abnormalities, such as my pupils dilating irregularly no matter how much light is present and an occasional putrid smell coming from my nose and mouth. I can’t effectively concentrate, constantly dealing with tons of confusing thoughts. I feel irritated / an aversion towards the Word, along with tons of accusatory thoughts about my salvation and how God is mad at me (which isn’t true). If I do manage to read the Bible, I get flooded with tons of doubtful thoughts about how I don't understand anything I read and how God's forgotten about me (which isn't true). This spirit has put me through so much hell, and I have no idea how I even accepted it to begin with. I'm ashamed that I was able to be so terribly deceived. I can't even effectively follow Philippians 4:6 about praying if you are anxious because I'm anxious about praying because something else answers. I want to overcome the confusion, apathy, doubt, and hopelessness that all torment me on a daily basis. Where should I even begin with recovery? How do I recover from all the deception I've endured? How do I get past the constant irritation towards anything God related? Also, thank you for taking the time to read this. Even if you can't figure out a reply to this post, could you P L E A S E pray for me? I desperately want to be delivered of this.
  2. Thank you all for the advice!! 😁
  3. Hey all, so what's you're perspective on when it gets hard to trust in God about important decisions + certain circumstances going on in your life?
  4. Hi there! I'm MA1NFR4ME. I was saved at 6, ended up becoming a prodigal but rededicated my life to Christ back in Dec. 2017. Hope to have great discussions on this platform :D
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