Hello. I am a teenager that has been brought up in a Christian family surrounded by Christian people all of my life. I believed in God but could never say I was saved or had what some would call a personal relationship with him. I went to church, prayed, participated in church activities but never had that connection with Christ. I have struggled with this throughout my life. When I was little I used to attend church with my grandmother rather often. I used to love going to church with her until I was about 11 years old. They are the kind of church that preaches “get saved or burn in hell for all of eternity” type. Well, her church holds the belief that until you are 11 years old if you were to die you would get a free ticket to heaven and not have to be saved. After that, however, if you were to die unsaved you would go to hell. So nearing the time I was 11 in their belief my ‘’free ticket to heaven” was about to run out.
They became pushy on trying to get me to repent and put me on the spot a lot. Although it was never said aloud they and my grandmother believed that the denomination of church we go to is “wrong.” So, when their revival week rolled around my grandmother would always try to guilt us into going even though we really didn’t want to. They would put us on the spot often and make us feel really awkward especially concerning salvation. I know they have good intentions and I love my grandmother and everyone there but their type of church is just not for me. I don’t believe that you can make someone get saved but that they have to find Christ when he is ready for them.
Needless to say, however, the whole being saved thing has always been something really awkward for me and something I have tried to avoid mostly due to those experiences. However, if there is one thing that going to my grandma’s church really imprinted into my mind it was that I was lost and really did need to get saved. It was often something I tried to shove away but I did know if I didn’t get saved it was an eternity in hell for me. This has often bothered me throughout my life and this weight on my heart was brought about again when listening to my preacher’s sermon today. I honestly don’t quite remember what it was about but it evoked in my heart the feeling that I have had many times before that I needed to get saved. I once again tried to push it away but it lingered in my heart throughout the day. Later on in the afternoon when I was back home in my room the feeling that I needed Christ and was lacking him was brought into my heart. I decided to close my bedroom door and pray by my bedside in hopes that I would finally gain salvation.
I am definitely not the most faithful person but I repented of sins and told him I was ready to accept him as my lord and savior. I didn’t feel entirely ready but realized that I am never going to be perfectly ready to accept him. I tried to let go of my fear surrounding salvation and after I felt I was finished I said amen and felt that a weight was lifted off of me. That feeling in my heart was gone and I felt light. However, although I felt light I was like “uh, so did I just get saved? This isn’t exactly how I pictured getting saved felt like.” All of my life I have heard that once people get saved they feel peaceful and just know they are saved. However the fact that I was questioning the fact on rather I was saved right after that leads me to believe that that may have not have been salvation. I know it can be different for everybody but I am just kinda confused. I am not really doubting the experience just wondering if that is what it is supposed to be like. It was nice and all but I think if I was actually saved I would "feel it in my heart." It’s been a few hours and I just feel like it’s a regular night. Was I actually saved or not? Some kind of help would be lovely, sorry for the long story and thanks a lot =).
Edit: I wrote this last night and it's now the next morning. I have been thinking about it all morning and can't help but think that was it? Wow so much confusion haha
