Oh, Cuillan, my heart goes out to you. Dear one, every one of us was born in a royal mess. We were already in a mess even before we made bad choices. We make messes because the mess is in us from the start. That is exactly why God sent Jesus Christ to save us. “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life."
I don't know if you are a believer in Jesus Christ, but His Hand is reaching down to you to draw you in, give you peace, and offer you a new start just like He has done with the rest of us. Hear the words of Jesus to you, Cuillan, "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. (Matthew 11: 28-30)
The enemy stands over us to criticize us, but Jesus tells us that "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” (John 10: 10) Raise you head that is bent low in shame, and look into His eyes of love. Let go of your feelings of self-condemnation and receive the mercy of Jesus. He is able and ready to fill you with hope and lead you to abundant life in Him if you will let him.
God bless you. I am praying for you.