SeraTaru

Hi! Thanks for your post. My original post that you saw was my knee jerk reaction! The sanitised post was the one that was meant to slip by the moderator lol. I don't feel a need to PM you as I'm not about to rant - maybe one person might learn from my post in that case it's good I suppose. The most annoying part of your post is where you say Jesus LOVES me. I've never got that TBH. I could tell you a whole lot of theology and experience but I think my biggest issue is that at 51 years old I've never had a father. I was adopted at 2 weeks of age and then lied about who I was until I found out at 16. When I *thought* I found out, it was still only a half truth. It took me into my 40's to discover about my parentage - my "mum and dad" were really my aunt and uncle and my "aunt" was really my natural birth mum and I was the product of a rape. This may sound very complicated and it is - there is much more to the story - it's a whole "northern Ireland protestant vs catholic thing". Bottom line - "Father" means absent, or else someone that beats and abuses. So "God" loving me? Forget it. At times I have maybe gotten a little bit, but most of the time if I am honest "God" hates me. Please don't quote verses about being "fearfully and wonderfully made" - I honestly know the word more than most Christians. But the journey from head to heart is so hard. I read the story of the prodigal son so much, but in my understanding I don't see that love - I see "bastard - product of rape". Please mods don't edit this out - it's a word from the KJV and a valid word ok? I long for some "experience of Gods love".....it never seems to come. But thank you so much for your reply - nice change to not be crucified for being at heart angry or hurting.

Hi LFTC, Thanks for posting a detailed reply. I do indeed appreciate the way it came across and you're very right - about being particularly hurtful to those I want to reach out to. I'd posted a long reply then realised it will be moderated before "approval" by some other random person as equally sinful if not more so than myself but for some reason deemed "worthy" to judge my post. Irony - maybe this is the wrong place for me to be altogether...maybe I should search for an "unworthy Christian forum" or a "desperate sinner needing a doctor forum". Yep that's it - I want to post there. Thanks Dave

Yes I tried this for years. Indeed many years ago I got up at 4am and prayed for 2 hours before I went to work. At the end of the day (with hindsight) I question why....two years later my marriage was over, I was thrown out with the clothes on my back, bankrupt and ultimately with a 20 year old daughter whom I've not seen in 5 years because I'm blamed for things I didn't even do. I was a youth pastor by the way. I appreciate your reply - thanks for taking the time to post.

Thank you!

How can I forgive when I don't know who to forgive in terms of some memories? In terms of the ones I can remember - the naked canings at 4 years of age, the fists and the threats...not sure. With my will I have forgiven (since at over 50 years of age I still visit the ageing parents who meted this out to me). But then I was told that "unless I've wept over the sin of unforgiveness I've never forgiven from the heart I have not truly forgiven" then I guess not. More interesting to me is why you turn child abuse immediately back on the victim and ask "Have you forgiven?".

Thanks for your post - yes I was down and struggling with things that I can't seem to overcome. I'm glad you don't have this struggle - it's a horrible feeling waking up, checking emails and posts and then realising "O no....another bad post or email". You're so fortunate - maybe one day you may be able to respond with grace and mercy instead of....well - something else. Did you spend more time choosing funny emoticons or praying for me or others that struggle with substance abuse? Always remember Christ came to call the sick, the healthy don't need a doctor. Luke 18 : But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’ I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.

When will my posts be allowed without approval from a moderator? Am I earning brownie points? At which point am I deemed ok to post and have banked enough points? I can simply create a new account with an IP filter to bypass this nonsense so what's the point? When I come here on the back of an apology and ask forgiveness and still have to sit at "the back of the church" until I'm approved it's hard to take. Doesn't forgiveness mean a fresh start? I guess the apostle Paul wouldn't have been able to post either for quite a while given that he slaughtered the early church? So seriously should I wait weeks for man's approval, or just create a new account and post away? Thanks

Yes without a doubt. I have memories of being smothered as a child - and worse. These were not "suggested memories" but things I remember. Not to mention an abusive upbringing by strict Christian parents who beat the life out of me at every opportunity - hands, fists, shoes or whatever else was close at hand. Give my Father credit - he really did subscribe to the verse about "spare the rod and hate the son". Memories of being bent over and caned as a four year old...I suppose that was "love" then.