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Remorseful

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  1. Hello, I made this account for this one question to get feedback. I don’t know where else to go right now, I’m in tears writing. Please hear me out, I would appreciate it. I will make it as short as possible. I’m a Christian guy who grew up in a textbook Christian home, the rule was simple in my mind, I believed, no kissing or “feeling” before marriage. I was solid on that and is what I believe today. I always knew why it was wrong and steered away from any situation that would tempt me. I ended up in a close friendship at 15-16 and she knew my line in the sand. She said she wanted to kiss, I didn’t want to, she said okay and I told her I’d leave if she tried. Her mom said to do something (after almost two years) or I would become uninterested and leave. She told me this. I always wanted the help her any way I could. She told me about how she gets excited and asked me to help... I crossed my line. In my moment of the flesh, I helped excite her with my hand under the blanket, it was wrong and I knew it. A couple days later I had my first kiss, the moment our lips touched I felt sick, I threw up. I knew I should have waited and I could never get it back, I cried wondering “what have I done” I can’t get back any of it. I wish I could take it back, I’d do anything to take it back. I left her that night. I dreaded the day I’d end up going into a relationship. I’d have to tell my future interest, I slipped up. That brings me to today. 5 years later. I’m 21 and I really like this girl, dare say I love her. She already has my heart after 6 months. We showed mutual interest and I talked to her dad and got the okay. Maybe I have already gone to far with not telling her. Today we set the ground rules just between the two of us, she matched perfectly with my young self, wedding day kiss. I didn’t tell her anything, I should have. I’m crying now because I gave that part of me away, she was expecting it of me, she said she wants to save the first kiss for her wedding day. I know I have to tell her and I will crush her heart more with every fleeting moment I keep this from her. My question to you readers now is how? how do you bring this up? I’m terrified, I never wanted to hurt her. I feel I don’t deserve her, I’m dirty. She is as innocent as it gets. Thank you for any of your comments. I will be reading every one. **I don't know how to reply to your comments so I'll do that here** Debp: you are right, i have confessed and asked for forgiveness for it and prayed id never be in the same situation again. thank you Justin Adams: That's what I'm trying to figure out, i don't know when to discus this, is this to early-to late? I try and look from her perspective, i just know if i was her id want to know early. The big "I want the first kiss on the wedding day" is killing me, i dont want to keep her in the dark at a minimum about that. then be done with all of it. What is the confession of faith you where talking about? Thank you for your response. Billiards Ball: Id say my guilt comes from the her hope for the first kiss at the alter, and I have given away what should be my future wives. Not to mention the other. thank you for your incite. ## To All : I am going to start this relationship the right way, my biggest concern is to not hurt her. I don't want to hold something back she would wish could have been taken care of in the beginning. I don't want to keep secrets from her. I also don't want to tell her unnecessary information that would hurt her. I want to know where that line is. Should I just tell her, "I'm sorry, I have had my first kiss" and leave it at that? Do I dare ever mentioning the other thing? I have been praying about this all day, I will be talking with her again this evening. Thanks for your feedback.
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