Mike83

Thank you, Dusty! I have deleted the pictures. I hope this post will help someone else who is in crisis of guilt make it through knowing they aren't alone in their pain. God bless you for being non judgmental and being kind!

I need to confess the reason that I am going to prison... my brain chemistry was so altered by taking 150-180 mg of opiates taken every day that my perceptions of reality were turned upside down. Unless you have been in this situation it is hard to imagine the changes in a person! I did something that I never thought I would ever do after the horrors of the rape and sodomy that I experienced dozens of times when I was 8 years old! While on opiates I was watching my Step Granddaughter and I loved her with all my heart as a Grandfather should but on several occasions I touched her inappropriately and hurt her and my family deeply. I am in agony over what I have done because it is so contrary to what I am normally! Even though I was changed so drastically by the opiates I have to accept that it was at my hand the damage was done! Now, I am not taking the opiates and am not backsliding so I am in incredible agony from the sadness and guilt of my actions! My life revolved around my kids and Granddaughters- all 7 of them! God blessed me with 7 absolutely precious Granddaughters and now I will never see them again- I am completely heartbroken and hurt every moment of every day over this fact! Last Thursday night I was awake all night long and in crisis being close to suicide over the guilt and pain for what I have done and was on a site called- christianchat.com and was getting ripped to shreds by supposed Christians who were judging me and had me to the point of having a needle full of drano to my arm! Thankfully, I didn't go through with it but was really close. I am terribly afraid that when I go to prison my life will come full circle back to the chance of being raped and sodomized by small groups of men that have nothing to lose. I was told small groups of 'lifers' corner a man with these charges and do terrible things. Since I cannot take it even once more I might have to employ the Krav Maga hand to hand training I received in the military and kill one of them to keep them away- this would kill me from guilt so I really fear going to prison. I am trying not to hate myself but have been unsuccessful at forgiving myself even though Christ has forgiven me!

Thank you for the wonderful reply! God bless you!

I was on Facebook a few weeks ago and read a heartbreaking story that hit close to home! A little 10 year old girl had committed suicide after experiencing some of the horrible abuse that I suffered growing up. I felt like God was moving me to write my story of the incredibly horrible abuse I experienced growing up and sharing the warning signs that I personally exhibited but were all missed. I wrote the story in the hope that parents might recognize the warning signs and stop the abuse from happening with their own children. Here is my story and for reference to an article on the signs of extreme abuse in children. https://arkofhopeforchildren.org/library/signs-of-abuse-and-neglect?fbclid=IwAR2iUlvxvVG3VOMlMoW1ouHqAIgiaEh514D6S5I82e2jJLFByhv7uIAvX2U SIGNS OF EXTREME ABUSE IN CHILDREN: I read something heartbreaking the other day and it reminded myself of what I went through growing up. I read about a 10 year old little girl that had been beaten at home, bullied terribly at school and elsewhere and sexually assaulted repeatedly. She took her own life at 10 years old. I was so heartbroken for her and moved to action to write my own story of growing up and published it last Friday. The whole point of airing my horrible childhood to the public was not to garner sympathy for me but to bring awareness to the lifelong and sometimes life ending effects of assaults on children. I would like parents and Grandparents alike to see and recognize the signs of terrible abuse like the ones I exhibited constantly growing up that were all ignored.I always looked around very quickly and constantly which is called hyper vigilance! I also never wanted to be touched. I was always afraid of my own shadow! My self esteem didn't exist and was so bad I couldn't function in social settings. I remember when I would get in social settings my eyes would water and I would want to run away! I am going to go through my childhood briefly and tell of the signs that I exhibited and also tell of why I couldn't overcome! My life has been a giant train wreck because I couldn't overcome. My earliest memories were when I was about 3 or 4. I had a family member that didn't know her strength and was absolutely broken inside herself. When disciplined sometimes I was hit upside the head and my vision would blank out and all I could see was 'sheet lightning'. I was afraid of my own shadow because of this and was very passive. Kids would pick up on this and would bully and beat on me. When I had just turned 8 years old, two 13 year old boys started jumping me and would drag me into one of their basements. I would fight with all the strength in my little body but they were too much bigger and stronger- they would pretty much pulverize my face, then rape and sodomize me! This happened dozens of times over a year and a half. My Mom just told me that 'finally I was defending myself'. We moved away after that year and a half and the rape stopped but I would still get bullied and beaten until 9th grade when I grew to 5 foot 10 and it pretty much stopped. When I hit 18 I started weightlifting, vowing I would be so big and strong that no one would ever even challenge let alone beat me again! It worked as I became a competitive power lifter in the 80's for a while. The signs of incredible inner pain were ever present as I couldn't finish anything in my life and abused alcohol heavily until my 40's. I was prescribed opiates for back pain and immediately started abusing them right along with the alcohol to mask the pain. I suppressed the memories of the horrible rape until I hit 49 and something triggered it and it came back in VIVID detail just like it had just happened the day before. I remember everything including smells! The smell of that horrible basement and the pain of being pulverized, raped, and sodomized. The signs were these as a child: being afraid of everything and everyone. I couldn't function at school dances or other social gatherings because my self esteem didn't exist! When I was an adult I abused anything that made me feel better like alcohol and eventually opiates! I could never finish anything either like college even though a Professor told me I was intellectually gifted! I am pleading with everyone that reads this- watch your children for the signs of terrible abuse! I beg you to not let them go through what I did! My opiate use was so heavy 3 years ago along with the alcohol it changed my brain chemistry to the point where my personality was TOTALLY different! During that time I committed a crime that I will pay for in one form or another dearly for the rest of my life! I never knew a man could get this sad and I have battled depression my entire life! I am facing 10 to 15 years in prison for that crime that I would never had done sober! I cannot forgive myself and went off the deep end July 3rd after my life was threatened. I was in such despair from the guilt and sadness that I mixed comet cleanser and injected 1.5 CC's of it directly into the main vein on my left arm. The ER doctor told me that only the direct intervention of God prevented my death because that much chemicals should have killed me. There was blood in the syringe so I hit the vein and their was no pooling around the injection site. Again, I am begging you to watch for the signs so your children won't go through what I have! I love Christ and I know he has forgiven me but MY healing is a work in progress. There is peace with the Love, forgiveness, and Grace of Christ Jesus! We should bring our children to him for this love and peace that surpasses all understanding!!! God bless everyone who has taken the time to read this! I have attached photos of the wonderful blessings of God that are my Grandchildren and kids that I will never see again and it is my fault which is killing me inside every moment of every day!! The first picture was of me when I was 4 and was innocent- before most of the horrors began in earnest! Again, I didn't write this for sympathy- I hope to show parents and Grandparents the signs of extreme abuse to watch for.