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Before I used to be an outgoing kid. I would always be hanging out with friends and just be crazy me. Now I seem to not be as crazy ( at least not if my friends are not with me) and spend time on my phone by myself. I always felt the urge to go outside was never an insider person. But that was when I was a child. Now that I am a teen, it's been hard to be the person that I truly was before. Anxiety, fear and worry has taken its toll on me. I hate it whenever people say why I spend time alone or why I am quiet. I never think of myself as that. Truly speaking since I came from a different country, living in the USA was a hard start considering that I didn't speak English very well. That is also where it all started. Where I started to just dwell inside not as I used to be before always thinking out loud. Of course as I progressed in my English , I started being a bit open to others and started making conversations with people that I never talked to. Sometimes I do have setbacks and just being alone makes me mad because I want to be open and reveal the person that I used to be. Any advice?

Im at the point I just want to give up. Theres no way anyone can survive being a christian alone people are social creatures and those social connectioms help us to weather life's storms. I've tried at church , joined groups and just be apart of things, introduce myself to people, invite people out.( volunteered).I even do this at work. But nothing comes of it And it put me in a state of depressiom because i have no one to share my feelings and thoughts with. I had online friends but i feel im always in their life until things look up for them and they for gwt about me.. Thats happened numerous times... Idk... The loneliness is driving me nearly to suicide becahse there's no end to it.. I try to be personable and i get rejected i dont fit in at church( been to 3. 1 was hurt in a bad way, 2nd too small and people set in their ways, 3rd too big and im just a face in the crowd) or in the world ( coworkers smoke, drink , are drama filled and messy) Its even more painful when God is incredibly silent, not speaking or guiding..just incredibly quiet and not really answering prayers.. Idk its to the point i just pray for others because i dont believe or trust God will help me. Seeing as Ive been praying for simple things, like just a christian friend..for years and it hasnt been met .. The only solace I have is art...it calms me and helps with my depression, However due to it..it kept me from drawing and painting for a long time... But now i feel well enough to paint again.

I have the urge and desire to be married ..in the same way I have the urge and desire to have friends...but... I feel I'm destined to be alone. I dont know how to explain it but I feel ill be alone. I just dont understand why id have the desire to be married and share myself with someone...as well as have the desire to have friends when I dont get the opportunity to have any. ( I've tried) one interesting thing that was said, was that you have no idea if those desires ( for friends and husband ) is from God... However, I feel not having these desires will make me less then human...kind of robotic. Its human to feel.. And it would turn me into a lone hermit. His word says he didnt call us to be alone...but that's where I'm headed to... I just wonder if maybe that's his will for me ...to just be by myself. I dont know ( and foe those who ask, yes I've volunteered at pantries and things like that... I'm gonna try and get back into it) what do you guys think?