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A few years ago I was really struggling with OCD in the form of obsessing over worrying about getting HIV. I was worried about getting it even in mundane everyday living sort of ways, like a bug flying in my eye for example. I'd been tested multiple times within a year and was losing my mind over worrying about it. After saying it was the last time I'd get tested so many times, I decided to try to force myself to stop getting tested for stupid reasons. So, I promised God I wouldn't get tested unless it was a real risk and if I broke this promise to send not just me to hell, but everyone I loved too. I actually dared God to do it in a really maniacal way. I think you know where this is going... I had an incident a couple weeks later in which there was some extremely small likelihood of risk and a couple people on forums recommended getting tested. I know almost all doctors would've said there's essentially zero risk in this situation, but I knew there was an absurdly unlikely possibility of it. So, I went and got tested, feeling that it satisfied the caveat built in to my promise that it was possibly a legitimate risk. Fast forward a few months to when I returned to Canada after living abroad for 2 years. HIV was still occupying 1/2 of my waking thoughts, so I decided that I'd get tested one last time and then only allow myself a test once a year from then on out or something. And, at the time I figured since I'd basically already broken my promise I may as well get tested even though there was no legitimate concern I had HIV, just wild OCD fuelled paranoia. So, I got this test and then from there I was able to slowly make my tests more and more infrequent. But in the process of doing so I broke a promise to God in which I dared him to send me and my loved ones to hell. Now I'm left wondering if I should try not to love anyone in my life; no kids, no wife, push away friends and family, etc. Because isn't there now a possibility God will follow through on that? If so, I am literally causing the eternal suffering of everyone I care about. So, isn't it worth it for me to live a miserable life alone & empty inside instead of potentially causing this everlasting harm? What is the best & right thing for me to do in this terrible, stupid situation? What does the bible say, if anything, about this kind of thing? Is God not quite vengeful in the Old Testament? Please no answers just trying to make me feel better, I actually want to do what's right here, even if it means killing myself. Thanks, Terrible Selfish Idiot.

"The Lord said, "I am Jesus whom you are persecuting.......for this purpose I have appeared to you, to appoint you...to open their eyes so that they may turn from darkness to light and from the dominion of Satan to God, that they may receive forgiveness of sins and an inheritance among those who have been sanctified by faith in Me." - Acts:26:15,16,18 Paul had first to come to this time of crying, weeping, contrition, and yieldedness. He had done all he could in the natural but the natural had only brought him to a broken place, to blindness, to helplessness, and this must come out of Paul's life before he could have the life of God. HIS LIFE FLOWING AS A RIVER When we have altogether parted with our own plans, as it were, then there is a possibility of God's likeness, being made manifest in us, of the water of life filling us, and not only enriching our own life but FLOWING FROM US AS A RIVER that will touch others; and no one can tell what a river can do when it is set aflow by God, because when God is in the plan, everything works mightily and harmoniously. The living touch of the river of the life of God is that which brings a celestial glory into the human heart, and speech that meets the kindled desire therein. RECEIVING OUR CALLING IN CHRIST When we are filled with the Holy Spirit we go forth to see things accomplished that we could never see otherwise: First of all, Paul had a CALLING. But CALLINGS are no good to us unless we make them real. Except We claim them as they come, Except we make them our own, And your whole desire is to carry out what the Spirit has revealed to you in regards to your CALLING -- it will surely come to pass. A CONTINUOUS BURNING ON THE ALTAR Many believers lack the power because they do not keep their CALLING in the forefront of their life -- they do not allow the fire which has come to infuse into them to continue to burn. There must be a continuous burning on the altar. Holy Spirit power in a man is meant to be an increasing force, an enlargement. God has never anything of a diminishing type. He is always moving forward. QUESTIONS TO ASK MYSELF: Am I moving forward? Am I stopping in the plains when there are greater things waiting for me on the hilltops? ALBERT FINCH MINISTRY