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On June 30th my closest cousin died. She lived in NJ and I'm in NY, I hadn't seen her since 2oo5. I did,'t even speak on the phone with her very often. But we emailed every week. I now realize she was the only person I had that I could tell anything to. Even if she got angry over it, she got over the anger. I didn't expect to miss her this much. After all, I'm no stranger to losing people to death. I have 1 other cousin but sometimes talking to her is like walking on egg shells. She gets jealous and envious too easily. And she never admits these things I just feel them. So obviously I can't tell her many things. The only person I could be open with was Margie, and she's now gone. Margie felt certain she would outlive me, but I seemed to know she wouldn't. I just didn't want to believe it. I wish I could talk to Margie tonight. I feel so lonely, much more than usual. I really thought I had learned to deal with death by 21. Even then I had been to more funerals than I can count. Since I can't talk to Margie I'm posting on this board. This is like my church. I got hurt today and I can't sleep. Actually I can't lie down. My pharmacist, a man named Ray, who's kinda a friend went to the Holy Land. He didn't spend much time in Jerusalem because he went for a wedding. Ray is Jewish and quite confused about God. I think Ray wishes he was heaven so he couldn't be tempted by all the sins of the world. He's only 45 and his love of the world really bothers him. Btw, he has a partner who's a Christian. Ray just came back from Israel yesterday and I had told him to be sure he took pics of any famous sites. I was half asleep today but I had to go see Ray. I expected good pictures. So I had to bring my reading glasses, and I had to bring some antibiotic pills that I needed a different brand on. I was so sleepy I forgot my hat (which I never forget) and I still felt I forgot something. Ray went to Israel with his family and he did take about 100 pics. But they're all everyone in his family with the wailing wall in the background. He's Jewish so I didn't expect him to visit the tomb of Jesus, but he didn't even take a shot of the old cobble stone streets. No, just 100 shots of the family with the wall in the background. I was disappointed but I said nothing. It got busy so I left to come home. I live across the the street. I put my hand in my pocket to get my keys and panic started. I forgot my keys. Never mind my hat I forgot my keys and today is Sunday, the landlord isn't there and even the super was in Brooklyn, at least an hour from here. I live in a building with a heavy solid door. I was locked out. Total panic set in. I have 2 windows that face a roof and only 1 other apt has a window to that roof. The problem was the woman had an AC in her window. Ray had very few tools. If he had a drill I'd drill the lock out. Eventually Ray came up here to try and help. He was trying to use a credit card. Meanwhile I convinced my neighbor to take the AC out and I'd climb out her window. But I'm not 35 anymore and with this spinal stenosis I couldn't bend my legs. I tried going out head first and now I see I hurt myself. I'm in pain from the waist up and laying on the bed makes it much worse. I feel like I broke a rib, but It's probably sprained, and my spine is killing me. I finally got out and just then Ray got the door open. HOW??? I went back to his store and he said he got it opened with the credit card. A minor miracle for sure. He tells me, Someone up there must love you. This is why I think me and Ray have a destiny. But being raised Jewish he doesn't like Jesus. He won't even read the OT. Since I've been reading the Bible some 40 yrs it baffles me that other people never read it all. For the past 5 months I'm almost excursively reading the OT. One reason is because I read the OT rather fast. The other reason is Ray. So I didn't have a good day, and now I can't lay on the bed. I just don't want to accept that I'm in bad health. I apologize for the length of this post. And I thank you if you read it. JTC