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I have a problem, and I don't know how to deal with it. That is that I hate my dad and I dunno how to 4giv him, and this hatred consumes me all the time. There's a few reasons why I hate him, the main ones being that he continually shows through his actions (or rather inaction) how much he doesn't care about me and my sibs; and that he's a hypocrite. Basically, he chose to homeschool prolly b4 we were born, but he really limited what mom could do, and he didn't do much himself, we can't even have or use a computer. I have to sneak around just to use this phone. Bottom line, I'm turning 19 in a few weeks, and I have less academic knowledge than a 6th or 7th grader, and same for my sibs. And my dad, it's like he doesn't care what happens as long as we're under his control… and he hardly ever does anything productive, most of the time, unless he has to see someone, he'll just sleep all day, and watch TV and play games on his phone all night. And he says he wants things to change, but he's been saying that for years, and he never does anything, all his guarantees and words and assurances have all come to nothing, his words mean nothing to me anymore. And I say he's a hypocrite coz he claims he's a Christian, but he sure doesn't live like one… but he's got evry1 at church fooled, to a certain degree anyway, I mean, his easily-angerable-ness is obvious, but no one really knows about his life outside church, and of course, that's just the way he wants it. There's this other afternoon church we started going to a couple months ago, and as far as I can see, the only reason we're going there is bcoz they let dad sing upfront on stage no-questions-asked, just coz he has a 'good voice' (and a 'convincing story' about how he came here as a missionary) and that just infuriates me. And whenever he's up, at our usual morning church or this other one, he actually acts like he means what he's singing, all hands in the air and everything… he's full of garbage… There's been plenty of times I just wanted to talk to someone, but I was afraid that if dad found out that I had told someone something about him that he didn't want known, he would make us stop going to that church, coz he'd threatened that b4… and I didn't wanna risk it coz we're homeschooled, so that's the only place where I really know any1 (not that I really know any1 in close way, coz I can't tell them much about myself coz pretty much everything leads back to something about dad)… I'm prolly blaming for a lot more than is due him, but there is a lot that is not being conveyed here. Anyway, I wanna forgive him, not bcoz I wanna, but just bcoz I'm sick of hating, being filled with hate, but I've tried and I just dunno how… I do hate him less now than I did b4, but that's only bcoz there's a person I hate more than him now… myself… in all this time I've been focusing on him and hating him, I haven't seen that I'm becoming just like him, and now, a lot of the things I hate him for, I also do myself… I'm disgusted at myself, I hate myself for every part of me that is anything like him, one of the biggest is that I also have done nothing about the situation. Things have been the way they are for WAY too long, and it just feels like nothings ever gonna change, like he's never gonna change, so now, I'm pretty much living, no, surviving, hopelessly. I'm so sick of how pessimistic and negative I am all the time. And like, nothing even makes me wanna get up in the mornings anymore… I know I should pray about all these things, for my heart to be changed, for my dad, for my family, for the situation, but I feel like its pointless if I don't even believe I am saved. Up until almost a year ago, I did believe I was saved though, but I was deceiving myself, I saw what I wanted to see, but then I started seeing things how they really were. I've got problems just like evry1 else does, but any problems in this life are only minor, they pale in comparison with the major problem that every person starts with, being sinful and imperfect. And I'm pretty darn sure i still have that major problem, I don't have a personal relationship with Christ. And I don't even have a desire to. But I want to have that desire, coz I know that I need Him. And I've prayed the prayer more times than I can count, but I never change, I never let go. Clearly I don't really mean it in my heart. The only prayer i ever really pray now is: 'I need u Jesus, help me surrender to u and let go of everything else." When I prat this, its the only time I feel sincere, like I mean it, but everything else always feels fake and insincere. But I'm such a hypocrite… I tell Jesus almost every day that i need Him and I can't go on living like this without Him, but I never do anything about it… it seems like I know that I need Him, that He is the truth, and the Word is the truth, but I just don't believe it, or maybe i just don't care enough to do anything about it, and every1 knows dead faith is useless… I dunno, maybe I just dunno how to believe, how to trust, how to have faith… I'm such an idiot… I really needa get rid of this unforgiveness, bitterness and hatred, coz I feel like it's (at least seemingly) holding me back from going anywhere with Christ. Apart from Him I am nothing… I need help, I dunno what to do… I hope someone can advise, encourage, pray, correct, counsel, etc.