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I have intrusive thoughts and one night, my mind said that I “worship the mark of the beast” and on that same night, my head started tingling. The next day, it was still tingling and now today it feels numb. I am in desperate need of answers as this is scaring me.

Hello, everyone. I am extremely new to this site. I've searched around for various Christian forums just hoping somebody can help me. I don't mean to offend anybody or bring any type of discomfort to this forum. I especially hope I get no violations. This is a really heavy issue on my heart. I am extremely at the end of my rope with depression and anxiety, but what makes it all worse is how the world views me in this dark body God gave me. I have asked God why this color? Why not make me Asian or Native American? I tried telling myself that He made me black because it pleased him. Why should he care what the world thinks, or form me in the matter what would fit society's standards? I've tried convincing myself that God does not cater to how poorly we human beings view each other. Racism wasn't His fault. He is a supreme being over the created. I've tried convincing myself that only his thoughts about me matter. I've tried looking at the big picture that one day, all of us will unite with him and experience the real TRUTH about EVERYTHING. But none of this convincing is working. Deep down, I know there is nothing wrong with my skin color, or the hair texture that I have, or the physical features. If there was no racism or the harsh systems against my people, I would be able to walk down the street proudly. However, when you live in a world where DAILY, somebody is reminding you that your skin color is a problem, it starts to get to you...for years and years and years and years. It's like beating up a dog everyday where the dog will eventually think it did something wrong. Social Media is a terrible and evil tool for people to manifest their true feelings about me and my race. I have seen so many cruel things, such as: 1. African't (word CAN'T) as if we can't do anything. As if it's in our DNA to fail, or that we need extra help, or that we're born to suffer. 2. It is believed we aren't civilized. No matter how nice I am, or how wide of a smile I put on my face, I will always be regarded as another black animal. I know I tend to fool people once they hear me speak or experience my personality. I always hope that the mugshots shown on the daily news about a murder or robbery isn't of my race because what one black person does, the rest of the black people are also at fault for it. We are not individually judged, but judged as a whole. 3. We have dirt and less developed countries 4. Slavery was our fault (and even if we were handed over by our brothers and sisters, that still does not excuse the terrible unspeakable things that happened to us.) And even when it was 400 years ago, traces of it are still affecting us today. My ancestors didn't get to own businesses or have land passed down through their generation of future families. I was never able to relate to white folks who talk about the family lineage or how far down the they count their family ancestry. I can't. My history is silent, yet it screams of blood. 5. I am guaranteed at least once a month to see somebody say I'm ugly (not directly), or black women are the least desired all over the world, that their own men don't want them, whether it's to an Indian man, Asian man, White man, or even African man. Men of various races always obsess and desire a White woman. it is NEVER ever ever ever ever anybody that looks like me. And I'm not saying I need their approval, but, it will just feel nice to know that I may look beautiful to somebody every once and a while. I will never or hardly ever in my life see a man of any race say something decent about me. We're not on billboards. We're not on TV with commercials glorifying our skin or looks. When I was a kid white Barbie dolls were heavily emphasized in commercials. The other minority dolls only showed up right at the end of the commercial. I broke my mother's heart when I told her to take back the black doll she gave me. We're never even in video games where we can enjoy cool characters. And if we are in video games, we have very insignificant roles. In movies, we're always portrayed in a very stereotypical ways. 6. Other black people make it harder to be black. Like the Mugshot I just spoke of. I can name so many problems, like falling into gang relations, or having an obnoxious loud attitude, or have terrible customer service in various employment. Some stereotypes are unfortunately true, but it affects m as well. 7. We have the worst health issues. High blood pressure, diabetes, heart diseases, mental illness, Sickle Cell, Lupus, and STD crisis; one of the least healthiest people on the planet. 8. We are regarded as less worthy. 9. Everything a black person does is a big deal. While I get that our names may sound funny, we can't even create our own names without ridiculing. No one ever questions why Asian people have the names the have, or the Arabs, and Indians, and other races of people, but if it's a black person, we need to just have white names. What about owning a business. Black businesses are perceived as low quality. Mexicans and Asians can whip up a business and people will flock to them like crazy. We're not allowed to have a bad day or express anger because if we do, we're being violent, or it's the 'uh-oh, and angry black man/woman!' 10. We are not welcomed anywhere on the planet. 11. We are a totally misunderstood race of people. 12. Racial tensions drive me crazy. Just the insensitive and lack of willingness to even understand a black person's place or their situations. We're told to 'get over it' or 'it's your fault', or 'stop playing the victim', or 'you're looking at things at a wrong perspective'. I am going mad. Nobody understands us, nor do they want to. We are the loneliness race on planet earth. No matter how much we shout and cry and plead, nobody hears us. Nothing changes. Not even God will do anything. Black people fill up the churches like crazy and can be some of the most God-fearing people, yet we're still severely oppressed I am emotionally tired. I feel like I just want to go sleep and never wake up. My depression and anxiety have gotten so bad that my body doesn't feel the same anymore. Sunday night I cried to God so hard that I could barely breathe. What was He thinking to even create me? I feel so terrible because I grew up with a wonderful childhood to two of the most amazing parents and a high-spirited family, but they have no idea I'm saying these things. Suicide feels really nice, but it will crush the people around me. I'm 31 years old, and suicide has been chasing me for years and it is constantly getting closer and closer. I read the bible and I pray, and it doesn't work, or the healing isn't coming fast enough. What can I do in this impossible world where everyday somebody or something lets me know that my skin color will always be an issue? How can anybody or even God expect me to be sane? What can I do? How can I get out of this struggle? Somebody please help me. How can the bible speak to me with this impossible struggle? A throb is in my throat right now...