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Hello all, I'm new here. I hope you all are as well as can be and I'm also hoping I can get there. I apologize for coming right on out of the blue with complaining. I've been looking for answers to this question for awhile now (Google searches=not helpful) and the question has only gotten bigger and more pressing. I am aware that it may be my current situation at the moment that is the cause of my concern. I look forward to changing it as soon as I can. Here goes, I guess: I am 19 years old. I suffer from social anxiety and depression, and anger is a problem with me as well. I've thought of suicide quite a bit, but I know that I'll go to Hell if I do. I've had suicidal and homicidal ideations and they scare me. As much as I want to tell my parents about it and get help, I'm sure they'll tell me I'm being dramatic (based on 'conversations' I've had with them before). I feel really trapped and sometimes I wish I could erase my entire being from existence altogether. I've been raised in a Christian household since birth. Both my parents, especially my mother, are Christians. Though they aren't perfect and don't have the best way of handling conflict, they are good parents. However, I harbor some resentment towards them and my younger brother. I am still trying to forgive them a bit each time as I feel they were inconsistent and hurtful with the way they interacted with me and each other. We don't sit and talk things out. It's usually a yelling match where the one with the most authority (dad or mom) decides everything and everyone else has to shut up and go with it. As a result, things were/are somewhat out of order and feelings were/are stepped on. My brother, who is the youngest, does things to aggravate me but my parents don't care unless it affects them somehow. He does things that are less than considerate and less than sanitary. It has been this way since he was old enough to walk. He'd destroy my things and get excused because 'he did't know better'. None of my things were replaced and some of those things were one of a kind (artwork I made) . Back then, I hated that he'd destroy my stuff. Now however, I don't think it's the fact that my stuff is gone, but the lack of respect for me that really upsets me. He is now 16 years old, things haven't changed much, and he just does not listen. My parents are tired of my 'complaining'. I can't talk to him and have him take me seriously because he has (indirectly) been taught that it is ok to take everything as a joke, including me. It hurts. I don't like him. I share a room with him. I want to get away from him. I want to move out as soon as I can because I think distance will do me good. I can't take so much of this stress anymore and I'm scared that it will greatly impact my health. I already have digestive problems and get frequent migraines. I'm not interested in college, however because of the fact that it seems to be getting more expensive but the degree one might get from it is less credible to future employers. I've people at my church on my case about it and even random people (who hop right on that subject once they hear my age or when I graduated). I just want to leave and be in peace. My circle of friends is small and shrinking by the moment and I'm sure I'm losing my best friend right now, as we are both on different paths. I feel very alone, though I have been assured that God is with me. I am numb there. I cannot feel him. I cannot feel anything for him or anything I've read in the Bible. I pray and I pray and I end up sobbing because I just can't feel anything but frustration and upset. I am not sure I will be able to make any new friends as I have never been an interesting person. No matter what I do, I never seem to be able to attract others' positive attention. I regret having been the 'good student'. My brother misbehaves and everyone pays more attention to him. He has lots of friends and people who like to be around him. The one time I did feel the least bit important was when I was in middle school and telling 'not so clean' jokes. Lots of people wanted to hang out with me then. When I stopped (I heard that 'coarse joking' is wrong), my 'friends' left me. No one wants to hang around with the 'innocent' Christian girl. People treat me like I'm 5 because they think I haven't heard/seen NSFW things before. I feel excluded and I hate it. I am bored with life. I want to have fun but there isn't much I am able to do until I am able to get a job, save up enough money to move and sustain myself, and find something that I can do as a Christian that is actually fun. I'm volunteering at places right now and that's a nice feeling (seeing others happy because they've received help). I want to be happy too, though. I can't remember the last time I truly felt gleeful. Life has lost it's thrill and I am not sure when or how I will be able to find it again. I apologize that this is so long. Thank you for reading it, though. I will be glad to receive any helpful feedback on this.